dudemansir Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) May as well use the interwebs to unload the recent crap. Will try and make it short. Been with my girlfriend for 4 years now. first 2 years were great. She lived an hour away but we saw eachother regularly. We got along fantastically, had fun, were silly, stupid, all that good stuff, and tons of sex. I know i know its normal to fool around a lot at the beginning and it levels off. But it was like this for the first 2 whole years! 2nd year it was like we just met and were still having just an amazing time. Than she went abroad in Italy for a semester. which was fine. I wanted her to experience life. I even visited her there. But when she came home things were different. She's the nicest, sweetest, most loyal girl in the world. She swore nothing happened there, i even told her it would be ok if it did just to be honest, that she was away and its understandable. but she swore over and over she didnt. After she got home we just werent having sex very much. What before was like 3-5 times a week became like once every 2 weeks. and it stayed like that for a while. we talked about it over and over as time passed but she had no explanation. She simply said, "i dont know what is wrong with me. it's like someone flicked a switch off." it upset her so much. she genuinely just felt awful. Like she was letting me down and that something was wrong with her. She didnt understand why she didnt have any desire to get off. Its been 3 years since she came back. Things arent much better. We fool around occasionally. But its really irregular. I would say 2-3 times a month. its hard to talk about with her now b/c she gets so upset like she is letting me down. once a year she'll just get in some weird mood and she'll want to fool around like every day for a week. then bam!! nothing. its gone again. i'm just so confused and trying so hard not to resent her. in the end i do love her and love being with her. after 4 years i'm still as attracted to her as i was when we first got together. that is rare for me. And not having that level of intimacy as a constant in our relationship really hurts me. I feel so freakin unattractive b/c she doesn't want to go out of her way to please me like i do for her. she insists she's attracted to me and i tell her just to tell me if she has lost the spark for me b/c it is very common in long term relationships and if she doesnt feel the same its something we need to work on. But she insists she is. So i'm just so confused. It's been so long since there has been consistent intimacy. I notice myself looking at other women like i shouldnt be. More so than is normal for a grown man (I'm 28). Its been going on for so long that more often than not i contemplate what breaking up would be like and all the annoyances that go along with it, but i'm thinking about stuff like that a lot these days and of course it scares me. This was the girl i thought i was going to marry. Over the years we've spoken about it and i def think its where we're headed. But the thought of going further and further in a relationship (and into marriage) without the intimacy scares the hell out of me! Are my expectations too high? is this something everyone deals with in their relationships? am i too sexually charged? Edited October 14, 2009 by dudemansir
Skump Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Are my expectations too high? is this something everyone deals with in their relationships? am i too sexually charged? No, no and no. A healthy sex life is an important part of a committed relationship, and frequent sex is a perfectly reasonable expectation. It's essential to building intimacy and important to a man's emotional health. Moreover, in the absence of ill health or other obvious mitigating circumstances, a partner's choice to withhold sex is often an act of hostility, whether overt or passive. A 28 year old guy being expected to subsist on sex 2 - 3 times per month in a committed relationship? Sainthood may be in your future my friend. You certainly have the patience of Job. Men need to be a hell of a lot more direct and explicit about their expectations in this regard early on in relationships, IMO. At this point, I would be direct with her: Were I in your position, I would tell your GF that I couldn't envision myself staying in a long-term relationship that chilly. Perhaps the prospect of losing what she values most will reignite her ardor. It certainly wouldn't be the first time. From some of the content of your post (e.g., "I even told her it would be ok if it did just to be honest, that she was away and its understandable. but she swore over and over she didnt."), I'm worried that you've encouraged underappreciation on her part.
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) Aw, this is unfortunate, because you are doing everything right and seem to be a very caring and supportive boyfriend. So don't blame yourself! I wish I had an answer for you. Has she started any prescriptions over the past few years? I only ask because I am a very sexual person (i.e. 2x a day) and I was on a medication for a while a few years back that caused me to have a very low sex drive (it was Lexapro - an anti-depressant - which I was taking for the treatment of migraines). So there is one possible explanation...and if this is the case, all she has to do is go to her doctor and ask to be switched to another med. If she's not on any meds to speak of or not one that causes sexual side effects, it's a psychological issue. This is going to be hard for you because you are going to have to figure out if she is actually having a low sex drive problem in general, or if she is just not sexually attracted to you anymore. I know that sounds hurtful, but even if you love and care about somebody, sometimes that sexual attraction fades. As you said she insists that spark hasn't gone, but I have been in this exact situation before. I was with a guy for 3 years, and for the latter 2 I rarely wanted sex because I was no longer attracted to him. However I cared deeply for him and told him and tried to reassure him that this wasn't the issue. I said similar things that your girlfriend is saying, in fact I might have even used the "someone flipped a switch" analogy. If this is at the heart of the problem there might be almost nothing you can do to get it out of her because she loves you, and will be determined to protect you from hurt. So it's a very tough situation. For me and my ex, it continued until I *almost* slept with another guy, and that made me realize that the charade needed to stop. It was plainly obvious that I still had a high sex drive, just not for *him*. Of course, you don't want to wait for that to happen, so I guess just try to keep talking to her. There is always the possibility that there really is something physiologically wrong with her to cause a decreasing libido, so maybe you should suggest going to a doctor, couples' therapy, or even her going to a therapist or psychologist on her own. Because this is a serious problem, and it will only escalate as you guys get older if you don't take care of it now. And to answer your final question, no, you are not too sexually charged. It would be one thing if you wanted it multiple times a day, but a few times a week is nothing unreasonable. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Edited October 14, 2009 by kiss_andmakeup
Author dudemansir Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 thanks for the response! i love you peoples already! Skump. Your response is understandable. But keep in mind the things i've said to her are over the course of like 2 years. after endless conversations trying to figure stuff out things went to the 'are you not attracted' and stuff. kiss_andmakeup. No medications other than birth control (the pill). in her defense we've been in tough living situations though. but also not in her defense, desire is desire, and passion is passion. If you have a boyfriend and you want to get off you can get off. But we also lived with other people when things were beyond amazing. I'm just so confused b/c i'm thinking about so much stuff all the time. i feel like i've exhausted all my options. Yes i have even asked her if she'd consider going to see a therapist that i'd even go with her. i feel like talking to someone would give her so much insight. thats another thing. she has no one to vent about this. she's not close with her parents like that and doesnt open up that deeply to her friends. I wear my heart on my sleeve. if something is bothering me i have to get it out there. And now when i think about breaking up i get sick at the thought of hurting her, but also kind of excited at the thought of being naked and intimate and passionate with someone. and than that makes me feel awful! at this point its like going to the doctor for me if i was sick. i dont care how bad it is, i just want to what is wrong with me so the doc can fix it you know? i hate being told, "well im not really sure what it is." so whatever it is i just want to freakin know already
Skump Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Skump. Your response is understandable. But keep in mind the things i've said to her are over the course of like 2 years. after endless conversations trying to figure stuff out things went to the 'are you not attracted' and stuff. That's rather the point: Why are you letting this drag on? Have you made it clear that you will not stay in a relationship with someone who is not enthusiastic about being sexually active with you? (assuming this is true, of course...) Do you think she believes that you'll leave her if things don't turn around? Do you think that's a serious concern in her mind? Because it should be if you indeed demand intimacy, and if it isn't, she may just not have enough incentive to change.
Author dudemansir Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) To be honest i'm just terrified to hurt her. leaving her, or hell, just telling her i can't do this if things dont turn around....it will just crush her and the thought of that destroys me. When we argue if it gets heated and she ends up crying, i just cant stand seeing her upset. and what makes it even harder is how great she is in every other aspect of our relationship. caring, loving, goes out of her way for me. When i think about breaking up i think of all the things i'd miss but also about her family, which i love, and how i feel like i'd be letting them down. i just dont know how to even get into it with her. like say that i cant do things like this forever and that if there is no change we need to break up. Like most people i want it to be as painless as possible. i dont want to go about it in a way that will sour the relationship rather than give it a chance to get better. i just dont want it coming off as a threat or ultimatum ya know? Edited October 14, 2009 by dudemansir
Lilwystynyra Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) Well I think I can solve your problem. Coz I think I'm the same way I'll try explain it the best I can what I think it is... Prob the same thing as me. It's all emotional. Girls are very emotional creatures. EG: A girl in love with a really ugly guy is often still attracted to him. Why? The right emotions. I've found myself that when I'm not exactly chipper I have NO sex drive. There's not even any gratuitous groping. However when I'm happy? Well... lets just say my partner rarely gets to sleep. There may not even be any real issues causing the low moods. It's likely not even your fault. I myself often just lose my zest for life sometimes. Can be little things that cause it and little things that bring it back. Unfortunately for me because my main issue is self esteem... it's usually finding out that someone is interested in me that sends me bouncing back. Hopefully its not the same for your girl! Even though you two get along so great, have a wonderful relationship etc. You did say you'd previously had a few stresses. And all the issues happened after she went away. So she's gone away, had a wonderful time in some new and fantastic place and come back to the plain old everyday world. Not that it's a bad thing but... sometimes normal is hard to tolerate after extraordinary, you know? Added with stresses like money, jobs, places to live. I can totally understand if her bubble levels have dropped and she's lost her libido with it. And then finally... If this is so... You're likely not going to be able to fix it yourself. You've already tried for years, right? So obviously not working. Like I said, the zest! Another thing that gets me out of my slumps is meeting some new and wonderful friend, or reigniting an old friendship (nonsexual ones!) can cheer me to no end. It's a new ear, someone you can blurt all those bottled things to that for some reason you just dont feel you can share with your partner or other close friends. My recommendation is any great change from the norm may just bring the spice back. You also mentioned sometimes she gets her libido back for a few weeks at a time... This could be a sign that in her head she knows whats going on, and what is needed to change it. And every now and then she succeeds, and she feels great and happy and horny, but the determination and euphoria only lasts so long. It's the whole "Well, I'm sick of being depressed. I want to be happy so damnit I will be happy! RAAWWRRR!". Unfortunately... mind over matter isn't always permanent! Sometimes you just need other people to lean on to stay happy with your life, but it's not always the person you would expect that does it. Hope that this helps!! Edited October 14, 2009 by Lilwystynyra
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 OP - you said she's on birth control. In my experience with birth control I've lost the sex drive I had before. Perhaps she could try another type of bc?
Bleeve Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 OP - you said she's on birth control. In my experience with birth control I've lost the sex drive I had before. Perhaps she could try another type of bc? This could be it. My ex-wife went through the same issue. Her extremely large sex drive went to nothing at all while on the pill. A month after getting off it, it was back. She should speak to her doctor about this.
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 To add on a bit.. I used to be on the shot when I was younger. I went off of it for a while. I got into a serious relationship and decided to get back on b/c. When I got the shot again is when I lost my drive. I ended up with a good months visit from my female friend, then after that I just had no drive to have sex. I'd go through the motions or push him away. It was really tough because we started out with having a great sex life when we got to that point. I had problems with it for a year, we broke up (for other reasons aside from the lack of sex) and even for about six months past that, I had no sex drive. I chose the pill after that and had little problems, but I think each type of b/c will affect each girl differently. I agree with the above - go talk to the doctor!
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Are my expectations too high? is this something everyone deals with in their relationships? am i too sexually charged? First... your a lucky guy because this happened to me AFTER we got married. So, now you know not to make this mistake. I'm telling you right now... if a girl doesn't want to have sex with you... it means she is not in love with you anymore. You will get all kinds of BS responses from women saying the opposite... but it's just a pile of crap. Bottom line, if she is cutting you off... she doesn't love you. It sounds like you have a pair of balls... use them. Dump her and find someone who DOES love you.
Author dudemansir Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 thanks to everyone for responding. i really appreciate everyone's feedback. Shehas tried many different birth controls and even no birth controls for as long as this has been going on. No my penis is the same as it always was. the penis she fell in love with! the penis she adored for years! I do agree that she could use a new friend. one that perhaps she would feel comfortable to open up to. Hell... why not try a forum or something just to get stuff off her chest like I am doing. i know there is stuff going on in her head that she just isnt letting out. and yes i'm not ruling out that she has lost her deep passionate feelings for me, i just need to know instead of just hoping things will get better. we're going to have to have a huge talk very soon. a crossroads is approaching that is for sure. i've put a lot of effort in and wish iwould at least feel like she put some effort in as well. I def think there is some underlying depression in there. While there are smiles and stuff I just see something behind her eyes. really wish she would go talk to someone!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 The original poster's story is disappointing and unfortunate. The only crazy guess I could venture based on what was shared is that perhaps she went abroad and spent lots and lots of time wishing/imagining what the time there might have been like were she a single, unattached woman. Indeed nothing "happened" while there, but a significant amount of resentment toward innocent you might have arisen. Just a wild possibility.
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