turnstone Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 An update, I followed 2Sure's advice to see a therapist just to get my head straight if nothing else. I've seen him twice and its very revealing. I'm discovering how I've been manipulated and why I've allowed it, as well as what sort of person I appear to be dealing with in the nearly ex. Has anyone else's therapist/counselor been of use to them in a situation like this? There has been one discovery that's been a disappointment, it seems very unlikely that unsticking from the 'repentant' nearly ex will be anything but very difficult and I need to get all my ducks in a row and be extremely careful about everything I do to achieve what I need. I find myself hoping and praying that one of the other women, or someone new, will appear and capture his interest and then I feel guilty wishing him on someone else.....
bentnotbroken Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 :bunny::(Unfortunately, I have been where you are. It is hard, my therapist showed me things that I never would have believed. Even if they find a new person of interest, for the most part their tentacles still hang on to you in anyway possible. They still try to manipulate and harm you. I call it "Oh so you think you're going to leave me....not syndrome". The best way that my therapist and I found was to not in engage them or to give in. An example: Him: "you are a horrible mother"....Me: "you're right. you have always been a great parent" Then turn around and walk away. What can he do with you agreeing to it? Don't let his words sink in to your soul. Look at him and see him for what he really is...a vampire. A soul sucking vampire. The only way he can survive is to live of the souls of others. He needs to fee on negative emotions to build himself up. He needs to destroy you in order to feel like he has accomplished something in life.
boomboom63 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 my counsellor helped me to see when I was being manipulated - before that I was so confused as to why I had said/done whatever. It has definitely helped me to not be a part of the "game". For me having no contact is probably the answer - the difficulty is in achieving this because life is always so complicated. Hoping that they will move on is a double edged sword (guilt for pain the next victim will feel is very real) , however YOU can't control the narcissist. They will either continue making your life hell or go and play with someone else. It ain't fair but... I hope you manage to extricate yourself with the minimum of damage
torranceshipman Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I don't know your backgrounds here, but do remember that you need to take responsibility for all your actions too - someone can be a manipulator and a narcissist but if you've cheated on a partner to be with this person, then you still carry a high level of culpability and can't absolve yourself of any of your bad decisions. Regardless of whether they are a narcissist or not - if you've cheated then you've cheated-it was your choice and no-one forced you to do that-you lied by your own free will and continued to lie as long as the affair continued. Not saying this is the case with the posters here as I don't know your individual backgrounds! If people are all single then of course, it is great for the therapist to open your eyes to the narcissistic qualities of another person and to help you understand how to run away fast and effectively!!
TwoForgiving Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Leaving a narcissist is really hard and painful. Not just in starting over but in also realizing what was happening during the relationship - seeing that you were nothing but narcissist supply to him. I've been seeing a therapist for a while to deal with having left a narcissist. He is still helping me deal with the damage that the narcissist did to me. The only way to leave a narcissist is to break off completely - absolutely no contact. While some narcissist will continue to terrorize their previous NS most will immediately start looking for a new NS. There is no point in trying to imagine that he can be helped or that there is any true genuine feeling there - there isn't. Do not feel guilty about any new interest, unfortunately, Ns are extremely amazing con artist and the new girl will never believe anything you experienced until she has gone through it herself. And to tell the truth, the best way to get rid of the N is if he finds someone new - he'll be gone like the wind.
New_Life08 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Oh wow, I can't type fast enough! LOL. I was married to a narcissist for 14 years. I read every self-help book about marriage known to man. Everything I was experiencing went straight to narcissist. I went to therapy and found my own issues with this was insecurity, and not being assertive enough. Not that it would have changed much, but maybe I would have gotten out sooner had I not felt so defeated. Your therapist is right, when you do get away, have your game plan in place for any and all attacks. My ex husband pulled out every stop to belittle and damage me as a mother when he and everyone else knew I was anything but a bad mother. It was about money...when you get between a narcissist and their money...look out. What they don't have on you...they will make up along the way. Divorce is just another competition they plan to win; they do not care who it hurts in the cross-fire (even their own kids) they will do what they think it takes to win. It seemed to me he thought..."the law will be on my side because they will see I am perfect in every way, and she is just trying to screw me over." Then when his little plans didn't pan out, OMG! He was on a mission to degrade and belittle me at every turn. He would come to pick up the kids, and waltz right through my house and talk down to me...like he did when we were married. I had to tell him to stay outside when he comes to get the kids. He was offended as if I was taking away his constitutional right or something. lol It was something I do not care to repeat. If I sense narcissistic behavior in a man now, I run as fast as I can in the other direction. Good luck with all of this, you will be fine, just stand your ground and stay on the ball. If it is a divorce you are wanting...don't worry, the law is all too familiar with this sort of behavior and will see straight through it. If it is a bf/gf break-up you need to do a lot of ignoring his behavior. Leave him to it. He can't hurt you unless you allow him to. It takes a lot of strength and self respect to get past the uncertainty. Put your worries in the hands of your therapist and close friends....you will get through just fine. Hang in there...
Athena Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 An update, I followed 2Sure's advice to see a therapist just to get my head straight if nothing else. I've seen him twice and its very revealing. I'm discovering how I've been manipulated and why I've allowed it, as well as what sort of person I appear to be dealing with in the nearly ex. Has anyone else's therapist/counselor been of use to them in a situation like this? There has been one discovery that's been a disappointment, it seems very unlikely that unsticking from the 'repentant' nearly ex will be anything but very difficult and I need to get all my ducks in a row and be extremely careful about everything I do to achieve what I need. I find myself hoping and praying that one of the other women, or someone new, will appear and capture his interest and then I feel guilty wishing him on someone else..... Turnstone, would you mind sharing what insights you got from therapy? I think that would be helpful to others here... Also, did you see the book that I recommended to you on your other thread, about divorcing a N? Called After the storm?
Devil Inside Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Turnstone You are in for a battle...I am glad you have the support of a therapist...you will also need excellent legal representation. One thing you need to keep in mind is that your H truly believes that he is special, better than everyone else, and entitled to his behavior. When you approach him for divorce this will be perceived as an attack to this idealized self...and he will come out guns a blazing. One thing to keep in mind is that his perceptions are severely distorted. He will do hurtful things. You will wonder how in the world he could treat you this way...but don't because you will be wondering that from your frame of reference...he is using his...which is much different. Do this with support. Good luck.
2sure Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 TS - as you know, I'm dealing with the same kind of H and also in therapy. The one thing that I have going for me regarding leaving my Narcissist , you may have also. It is not difficult for them to believe they are in control, even when they are not. It is not difficult for them to believe you would ever/ could ever defend yourself against them. They are so clouded in their perception of themselves and reality, that it doesnt occur to them that you see it differently. Smart as they are, as underhanded and cold as they may be...its not hard to surprise them.
Author turnstone Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Wow! So many women, so many narcissists. Thank you all so much for your posts about this. 2sure, yes I knew, I'm sorry if this thread seemed to be aimed solely at you agan, it really wasn't. What you say is really relevant and something I haven't considered at all, I'm still locked somewhat in the dynamic of feeling that he is omnipotent, the thought of 'getting one over him' is pretty alien. I need to address that. I am still reeling over your discovery of the insurance policy and I wish I could steal you away. Having read much of your story, I am devastated about your position. Athena, I'm so sorry I didn't reply to you after you suggested that book. I have ordered it, it looks excellent. Thank you so very much. I will surely share the therapy and lessons learnt so far from it, I just need some time to formulate my thoughts so I don't end up babbling anymore than I'm already doing. Bentnotbroken, yes, I can see how that would totally take the wind out of his sails. Fortunately I'm away from him, I left a couple of weeks ago and although he hasn't stopped pursuing me in one way or another, I've been able to avoid him totally the last few days. A large, intimidating dog has helped with that, and its also great that I am totally in love with her. Thanks for the positive wishes boomboom. Newlife08, thank you so, so much. Yes, its a divorce and although I left as soon as I found out about the numerous affairs, the lies - oh my God, the LIES! and the manipulation, he can't, won't leave me alone. You are so right about the money, he is ALL about the money, but I am fortunate enough to be financially independent, so will not ask for any contribution from him, at all. Although, as you know, he still needs to 'win' and I'm sure he will drag my name through the mud to achieve that. Or worse.
Athena Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I will surely share the therapy and lessons learnt so far from it, I just need some time to formulate my thoughts so I don't end up babbling anymore than I'm already doing. . eh, just feel free to muddle through your thoughts... by writing surely you will get clarity? Not the other way around, necessarily... c'mon... wanna hear what the counselor helped you with, regarding this <I'm discovering how I've been manipulated and why I've allowed it, as well as what sort of person I appear to be dealing with in the nearly ex.>
theBrokenMuse Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I don't know your backgrounds here, but do remember that you need to take responsibility for all your actions too - someone can be a manipulator and a narcissist but if you've cheated on a partner to be with this person, then you still carry a high level of culpability and can't absolve yourself of any of your bad decisions. Regardless of whether they are a narcissist or not - if you've cheated then you've cheated-it was your choice and no-one forced you to do that-you lied by your own free will and continued to lie as long as the affair continued. How do you suppose this canned response helps in this situation?
Author turnstone Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 eh, just feel free to muddle through your thoughts... by writing surely you will get clarity? Not the other way around, necessarily... c'mon... wanna hear what the counselor helped you with, regarding this <I'm discovering how I've been manipulated and why I've allowed it, as well as what sort of person I appear to be dealing with in the nearly ex.> Athena, apologies for not getting back to this sooner, I have been somewhat busy. You may well be right in that writing may help me find clarity, however I think I've now read enough of loveshack to realise how important it is to be scrupulously clear and leave no room for ambiguity, there's not much tolerance here. And yes, I include my own stance in that. I shall give my thoughts when I am able to focus on them, right now I am in the midst of moving my life.
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