Is it too little too late?

[runrocket]

Hello,

 

New to this forum. Trying desperately to make the right decision for myself and my family. I've been married to my husband now for 5 years. We have 2 beautiful children together.

 

Neither one of us has cheated. Neither one of us is abusive. I just don't care anymore. For the last 5 years he has not helped me with anything around the house besides mowing the lawn. He hasn't helped with the children. He treated me as if I was a burden when I was sick or on bedrest while pregnant. He ignored me and the children and acted as if we were nothing more than an irritation when we wanted to do something with him.

 

When I spoke to him about it (sometimes rationally, sometimes not) he would try to be different for a few days then go right back to being a selfish jerk.

 

Six months ago I asked for a divorce. We've seen a marriage couselor. I've seen an individual counselor. He's made a concerted effort to change over the last 6 months. The problem is I don't care about him anymore. Everything he does irritates me. I'm not attracted to him. I don't want to have sex with him. When we do have sex I don't orgasm. Even worse, I don't want to make eye contact or kiss him on the lips.

 

I feel like I spent the last five years of my life begging him to engage with his family and it's all fallen on deaf ears and now that I have hit the wall or turned the corner or whatever, he suddenly wants to make a change but I've gone past caring. Is it too late? If not for the children I would have left years ago.

 

In many ways we're good for each other. He's trustworthy. He can still make me laugh but we have nothing in common. He's a good provider, but he thinks that is all there is to the husband/father role. I don't believe this change will last. I know he's trying now but he went away for a few nights on a business trip and I didn't want him to come back. Help!

 

Any insights would be helpful.

[TaraMaiden]

if this really is broken, and you really don't think there's any love, hope or desire left within you, then you need to both go back to the counsellor and tell him.

 

The reason I say 'go back' is because you will be able to put your side rationally, in a controlled environment with the opportunity for discussion, as opposed to it possibly becoming a slanging match.

 

Many people think Marriage Counselling is there to help repair a relationship, but it's not.

MC is there to provide a level playing field for all concerned to be able to discuss things rationally - even if it means separating.

 

At least with a counsellor present, you will have a sounding board and be able to speak more freely and with some courage.

Tell him: I want a divorce, and there's no other way or avenue for me to pursue any longer. I don't want to do this any more.

 

Speak your mind, acknowledge his efforts, but be honest and tell him it's gone beyond saving.

You can't sail in a sunken ship.

 

Is all the advice I can offer.

[Logik]

This sounds exactly like my situation, well, from the info I have received from my wife. If it is the same, I'll tell you how I feel as the husband and what my wife has done.

 

I'm guilty of what he has done and my actions may have come across as uncaring or ignoring but they weren't that at all. I have a problem with dealing with my emotions because I'm an extremely logical person, as you can get from my handle. The everyday pressures of life piled up inside and made me loose site of the ball. I know this is no excuse for my actions and I have taken full responsibility for them. They made me act out and release as frustration and anger, mostly with the ones I love there, showing them what I don't want to show them. I even said things that were not true. I also used things from the past that I didn't like against my wife. Things like when I didn't get what I wanted in the past, now when she needed these things, I would be reluctant to give them to her, even though I desperately wanted to. So yes, being selfish and vengeful because my ego was bruised in the past. Yes, I look at it now and do think it's pathetic.

 

These things piled up and it came to what's happened now and it's too late for me to go back and work on them to make the family unit stronger. I have to work on these undesirable traits by myself and for myself, alone. Yes, I regret doing these things, but the lack of communication between the two of us lead us here. Me not communicating my frustrations, allowing them to be bottled up and coming out the wrong way and not listening to her concerns. I never really thought that her concerns were so great and were marriage ending but then again, my not really listening is what the big problem was. I adore my wife intensely, but failed to show it.

 

I really do love my wife and I am willing to work on the marriage 110%, but she's gone past the point of wanting to. She seems to have been in a position similar to yours and has made the decision not to carry on with the marriage. Although, she has said that she does still care for me.

 

I do understand that she needs to do this for herself and I am allowing her to do so without my interference or pressure to stay with me. So, we have now been separated for 3 and a half months and are on the way to divorce. I cannot really give you any perspective from my wife's side, but I thought that maybe a bit of perspective from a husband's side might help you in your decision. Now your husband may have not had all the same problems I do, I'm just trying to get you to understand that maybe his actions were not reflecting his true feelings about his marriage.

 

If you decide to separate, your husband will try and convince you otherwise in the beginning, but like myself, will come to accept your decision eventually. I might not be in the "fully accepted" phase, but I'm a lot further than I was 3 months ago. What I have also learnt from this experience is that if you are to save your marriage, both of you will have to want it. You can't go in half-heartedly because it will be a lot of work. I personally believe that you need to try everything to save a marriage before you part ways, but it sounds to me like you've already left the marriage in your head, and any trying from your part would just be going through the motions, just to say you tried.

 

One thing I've heard that I really like is this. Someone asked and elderly couple who have been together for like 50 years what the secret to a lasting marriage is. They said that there were numerous times that each felt that they had fallen out of love with their spouse. But the love does return and it returns stronger. The secret is, not to fall out of love at the same time. The one that has the love will hold them together.

[Logik]

Another thing. Your post has actually helped me understand more about how my wife feels. Thank you for posting.

[trippi1432]

This sounds exactly like my situation, well, from the info I have received from my wife. If it is the same, I'll tell you how I feel as the husband and what my wife has done.

 

I'm guilty of what he has done and my actions may have come across as uncaring or ignoring but they weren't that at all. I have a problem with dealing with my emotions because I'm an extremely logical person, as you can get from my handle. The everyday pressures of life piled up inside and made me loose site of the ball. I know this is no excuse for my actions and I have taken full responsibility for them. They made me act out and release as frustration and anger, mostly with the ones I love there, showing them what I don't want to show them. I even said things that were not true. I also used things from the past that I didn't like against my wife. Things like when I didn't get what I wanted in the past, now when she needed these things, I would be reluctant to give them to her, even though I desperately wanted to. So yes, being selfish and vengeful because my ego was bruised in the past. Yes, I look at it now and do think it's pathetic.

 

These things piled up and it came to what's happened now and it's too late for me to go back and work on them to make the family unit stronger. I have to work on these undesirable traits by myself and for myself, alone. Yes, I regret doing these things, but the lack of communication between the two of us lead us here. Me not communicating my frustrations, allowing them to be bottled up and coming out the wrong way and not listening to her concerns. I never really thought that her concerns were so great and were marriage ending but then again, my not really listening is what the big problem was. I adore my wife intensely, but failed to show it.

 

I really do love my wife and I am willing to work on the marriage 110%, but she's gone past the point of wanting to. She seems to have been in a position similar to yours and has made the decision not to carry on with the marriage. Although, she has said that she does still care for me.

 

I do understand that she needs to do this for herself and I am allowing her to do so without my interference or pressure to stay with me. So, we have now been separated for 3 and a half months and are on the way to divorce. I cannot really give you any perspective from my wife's side, but I thought that maybe a bit of perspective from a husband's side might help you in your decision. Now your husband may have not had all the same problems I do, I'm just trying to get you to understand that maybe his actions were not reflecting his true feelings about his marriage.

 

If you decide to separate, your husband will try and convince you otherwise in the beginning, but like myself, will come to accept your decision eventually. I might not be in the "fully accepted" phase, but I'm a lot further than I was 3 months ago. What I have also learnt from this experience is that if you are to save your marriage, both of you will have to want it. You can't go in half-heartedly because it will be a lot of work. I personally believe that you need to try everything to save a marriage before you part ways, but it sounds to me like you've already left the marriage in your head, and any trying from your part would just be going through the motions, just to say you tried.

 

One thing I've heard that I really like is this. Someone asked and elderly couple who have been together for like 50 years what the secret to a lasting marriage is. They said that there were numerous times that each felt that they had fallen out of love with their spouse. But the love does return and it returns stronger. The secret is, not to fall out of love at the same time. The one that has the love will hold them together.

 

 

Wow Logik, a lot of what you said sounds very much like the road my H was on with the holding things in until frustration hit.

Thanks for posting that.

 

Trippi

[Logik]

Wow Logik, a lot of what you said sounds very much like the road my H was on with the holding things in until frustration hit.

Thanks for posting that.

 

Trippi

 

It's also made me realise why men feel "blind-sided" by their wife leaving them, and never saw it coming. It's because our actions don't match our feelings. We feel the marriage is ok, so why are they leaving us? It's because of our actions. The actions aren't a true reflection of how we feel, but it is taken at face value. It really boils down to misunderstanding due to a lack of communication.

 

Sorry to thread-jack. Just want to give a bit more perspective of what might have gone wrong.

 

PS. I've just seen TaraMaiden's signature and it's exactly what I'm trying to say.

Edited October 14, 2009 by Logik
PS

[runrocket]

Logik - Thanks for posting. That is exactly what is happening between my husband and I. I've always known that he loved me but his actions never showed it. It's more than not getting a card on my birthday. It was the everyday things that made me feel like I was doing it all alone. Working on the marriage. Caring for the children. Caring for myself. Caring for our household. Caring for him.

 

I always thought marriage was supposed to be a partnership. That's what my parents marriage was. I felt more like I had 3 children than a husband and 2 children.

 

I'm trying to find my way back but I feel stuck. It's not even that I'm angry or resentful anymore. It's just that I can't seem to make myself CARE about him. I know he's been crying and I don't ask why. I'm just numb.

 

Great song. Give it a listen someday.

 

Broken Strings - James Morrison & Nelly Furtado

 

Let me hold you

For the last time

It's the last chance to feel again

But you broke me

Now I can't feel anything

When I love you,

It's so untrue

I can't even convince myself

When I'm speaking,

It's the voice of someone else

 

Oh it tears me up

I try to hold on, but it hurts too much

I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

 

You can't play on broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh the truth hurts

But the lies worse

How can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before

[Logik]

Have you tried anything to reconnect with him? Like making a date night once a week. Just for you two. No talking about current problems or the kids or work, just being together like you used to before the children. You can do it at home after the kids are in bed or you can get a sitter and go out for a night on the town. Go to a movie. Anything that you used to do with him. Make it special. Make each evening like it's the first date. You wouldn't discuss any of your problems at a first date, you would be there trying to impress the other person, keep this in mind. It might take one or two evening before you can actually do this without talking about the wrong things. It might be uncomfortable at first.

 

This could help you see the man you fell in love with. Kids, work and stress always gets in the way. Trust me, I know. It makes you think the same thoughts continually and those thoughts become your reality. Trying to put those thoughts out of your head and truly looking for what you lost can help you with your decision. You might find that you never lost anything, but just hid it underneath continual thoughts and feelings of being trapped and alone.

 

Near the end my wife tried to make some evenings for us. It was usually the next evening, but when it came around, she normally had a headache or felt under the weather. If we did have a night for us, I could tell that she wasn't really interested and just going through the motions. We never really did it properly. I wish I had done it properly now. Even if she was just going through the motions, I could've jazzed it up and made it enjoyable for her. I look back and realise what an idiot I was. But as they say, what's done is done.

 

My next relationship will benefit from what I've learnt. Who knows, the next relationship could be with my wife. Now I say next relationship because that's what it'll be. A new relationship, because the old one is broken. That's what you need to build from these evenings together. A new relationship.

 

This is only if you really want to try.

[FredMerc]

One thing I've heard that I really like is this. Someone asked and elderly couple who have been together for like 50 years what the secret to a lasting marriage is. They said that there were numerous times that each felt that they had fallen out of love with their spouse. But the love does return and it returns stronger. The secret is, not to fall out of love at the same time. The one that has the love will hold them together.

 

Logik, good post, and thanks for earlier.

 

The above reminded me of something I had read from a Buddhist monk. This is my interpretation of it:

 

In Vietnamese, the words tinh and nghia both mean love. Tinh contains a lot of passion. Nghia is calmer, more understanding more faithful. You are not as passionate, but your love is deeper and more solid. Nghia is the result of sharing difficulties and joys over a long period of time.

 

Nghia is like a plant, in that it needs care and watering, but it will grow long after the passion has ebbed and died.

 

It seems in our culture, with all of the unrealistic media portrayals of sex, romance and passion that would be impossible to maintain over the long term of our actual day to day lives, many come to think only of tinh as love, and they disregard nghia. Nghia is the love that will allow you to remain bonded even when your hair turns white and your teeth begin falling out.

 

We are a society of tinh addicts. People moving from one quick fix to another….

Edited October 14, 2009 by FredMerc

[runrocket]

Have you tried anything to reconnect with him? Like making a date night once a week. Just for you two. No talking about current problems or the kids or work, just being together like you used to before the children. You can do it at home after the kids are in bed or you can get a sitter and go out for a night on the town. Go to a movie. Anything that you used to do with him. Make it special. Make each evening like it's the first date. You wouldn't discuss any of your problems at a first date, you would be there trying to impress the other person, keep this in mind. It might take one or two evening before you can actually do this without talking about the wrong things. It might be uncomfortable at first.

 

This could help you see the man you fell in love with. Kids, work and stress always gets in the way. Trust me, I know. It makes you think the same thoughts continually and those thoughts become your reality. Trying to put those thoughts out of your head and truly looking for what you lost can help you with your decision. You might find that you never lost anything, but just hid it underneath continual thoughts and feelings of being trapped and alone.

 

Near the end my wife tried to make some evenings for us. It was usually the next evening, but when it came around, she normally had a headache or felt under the weather. If we did have a night for us, I could tell that she wasn't really interested and just going through the motions. We never really did it properly. I wish I had done it properly now. Even if she was just going through the motions, I could've jazzed it up and made it enjoyable for her. I look back and realise what an idiot I was. But as they say, what's done is done.

 

My next relationship will benefit from what I've learnt. Who knows, the next relationship could be with my wife. Now I say next relationship because that's what it'll be. A new relationship, because the old one is broken. That's what you need to build from these evenings together. A new relationship.

 

This is only if you really want to try.

 

Thanks for the suggestions. I've been trying for the last 6 months. I call it the fake it til you make it approach. We've gone on mini vacations. He took me to ATL to stay at the Ritz to see Coldplay. (I love live music in case you couldn't tell, my final straw was when he made his brother take me to the Dave Matthews Band concert. I thought, how far have we fallen that you can't be bothered to take me to something I was so looking forward to?) I've tried spicing up our sex life. I've turned off the TV and banned the Playstation so we can ust talk about stuff some nights. We've gone out to dinner and met for lunches once and week. You know where all this has gotten us? Broke. Yep, now we are in debt up to our eyeballs. It's not just lip service for me. I'm not just going through the motions to make it look like I tried. I really am trying to find my way back.

 

He recently called me out on my "approach." I guess he could see the distance in my eyes and hear the insincerity in my voice. Now I'm back to crisis mode. Feeling like I have to have an answer when there is no good answer.

[runrocket]

Logik, good post, and thanks for earlier.

 

The above reminded me of something I had read from a Buddhist monk. This is my interpretation of it:

 

In Vietnamese, the words tinh and nghia both mean love. Tinh contains a lot of passion. Nghia is calmer, more understanding more faithful. You are not as passionate, but your love is deeper and more solid. Nghia is the result of sharing difficulties and joys over a long period of time.

 

Nghia is like a plant, in that it needs care and watering, but it will grow long after the passion has ebbed and died.

 

It seems in our culture, with all of the unrealistic media portrayals of sex, romance and passion that would be impossible to maintain over the long term of our actual day to day lives, many come to think only of tinh as love, and they disregard nghia. Nghia is the love that will allow you to remain bonded even when your hair turns white and your teeth begin falling out.

 

We are a society of tinh addicts. People moving from one quick fix to another….

 

FredMerc, I understand what you are saying and I agree with you. I'm not looking for the early passion of our relationship to return. I just don't want to feel like I'm lying when I say "I love you" or turn my cheek to him when he tries to kiss me. I'm tired of feeling like a fraud.

[Logik]

Thanks for the suggestions. I've been trying for the last 6 months. I call it the fake it til you make it approach. We've gone on mini vacations. He took me to ATL to stay at the Ritz to see Coldplay. (I love live music in case you couldn't tell, my final straw was when he made his brother take me to the Dave Matthews Band concert. I thought, how far have we fallen that you can't be bothered to take me to something I was so looking forward to?) I've tried spicing up our sex life. I've turned off the TV and banned the Playstation so we can ust talk about stuff some nights. We've gone out to dinner and met for lunches once and week. You know where all this has gotten us? Broke. Yep, now we are in debt up to our eyeballs. It's not just lip service for me. I'm not just going through the motions to make it look like I tried. I really am trying to find my way back.

 

He recently called me out on my "approach." I guess he could see the distance in my eyes and hear the insincerity in my voice. Now I'm back to crisis mode. Feeling like I have to have an answer when there is no good answer.

 

I really do admire the commitment that you have for your marriage. I hope your husband appreciates everything you're trying to do. He's getting the chance that plenty husbands on this forum didn't get and wished they got.

[tnttim]

I hope my wife will give me that chance too. I found out in the last month though, the less you want something the more you'll get it. Also doing the opposite of what you want gets what you want. You want him to talk, don't talk to him. You want to go out with him and he won't, then go out without him, spend the night at a friends house. Let him think he's losing you, that's what my wife did, and now I want her more than ever. The less she talked to me, the more I wanted to talk to her. Less time she spent with me, the more I wanted to spend with her. You see the less I felt she loved me the more I loved her. The problem I want her back and she doesn't want me back. Maybe we can help each other. I want to do what she's doing to me right now, not out of venegence, but so she can feel like I do right now. I love her, and I want a happy family. She doesn't know what she wants. I'm scared though, it's hard to not want to talk about us. It's really hard when she's away from me, I wonder what's she's doing. It's hard to face all you have ripped away from you. But you have too. I think you can fall in love again with him or someone else. I also know it takes 2 to tango, so you should work out your problems right now. If he won't let you, leave and do it on your own. If you don't fix yourself also, you will doomed to another loveless realtionship. Hope this helps. If you want to know how the other side feels, please just ask me.

[Gunny376]

Hello,

 

New to this forum. Trying desperately to make the right decision for myself and my family. I've been married to my husband now for 5 years. We have 2 beautiful children together.

 

Neither one of us has cheated. Neither one of us is abusive. I just don't care anymore. For the last 5 years he has not helped me with anything around the house besides mowing the lawn. He hasn't helped with the children. He treated me as if I was a burden when I was sick or on bedrest while pregnant. He ignored me and the children and acted as if we were nothing more than an irritation when we wanted to do something with him.

 

When I spoke to him about it (sometimes rationally, sometimes not) he would try to be different for a few days then go right back to being a selfish jerk.

 

Six months ago I asked for a divorce. We've seen a marriage couselor. I've seen an individual counselor. He's made a concerted effort to change over the last 6 months. The problem is I don't care about him anymore. Everything he does irritates me. I'm not attracted to him. I don't want to have sex with him. When we do have sex I don't orgasm. Even worse, I don't want to make eye contact or kiss him on the lips.

 

I feel like I spent the last five years of my life begging him to engage with his family and it's all fallen on deaf ears and now that I have hit the wall or turned the corner or whatever, he suddenly wants to make a change but I've gone past caring. Is it too late? If not for the children I would have left years ago.

 

In many ways we're good for each other. He's trustworthy. He can still make me laugh but we have nothing in common. He's a good provider, but he thinks that is all there is to the husband/father role. I don't believe this change will last. I know he's trying now but he went away for a few nights on a business trip and I didn't want him to come back. Help!

 

Any insights would be helpful.

 

Ahhhhhh Hell!

 

This was me!

 

Eighteen or twenty years ago!

 

I thought in so long as I wasn't a wife beater, a drunk, a drug addict, a gambler....................fill in the blank? I was a good husband?

 

But the Corps consumed me! My every second, my every moment! My every thought!

 

I was trying to survive the Corps! Make the Corps! My life became the Corps!

 

I did twenty years in the Corps for my Family!

 

The Corps cost me my family!

 

The Corps cost me my wife!

 

Heartbreak Ridge.

 

The toughest job in the Marines?

 

Is being a Marines Wife!

[runrocket]

Ahhhhhh Hell!

 

This was me!

 

Eighteen or twenty years ago!

 

I thought in so long as I wasn't a wife beater, a drunk, a drug addict, a gambler....................fill in the blank? I was a good husband?

 

But the Corps consumed me! My every second, my every moment! My every thought!

 

I was trying to survive the Corps! Make the Corps! My life became the Corps!

 

I did twenty years in the Corps for my Family!

 

The Corps cost me my family!

 

The Corps cost me my wife!

 

Heartbreak Ridge.

 

The toughest job in the Marines?

 

Is being a Marines Wife!

 

True, true.....as an army brat myself and a veterans wife I understand what you are saying. Nothing like moving your whole family cross country every six months while your old is stationed over seas. Bummer.

[runrocket]

I hope my wife will give me that chance too. I found out in the last month though, the less you want something the more you'll get it. Also doing the opposite of what you want gets what you want. You want him to talk, don't talk to him. You want to go out with him and he won't, then go out without him, spend the night at a friends house. Let him think he's losing you, that's what my wife did, and now I want her more than ever. The less she talked to me, the more I wanted to talk to her. Less time she spent with me, the more I wanted to spend with her. You see the less I felt she loved me the more I loved her. The problem I want her back and she doesn't want me back. Maybe we can help each other. I want to do what she's doing to me right now, not out of venegence, but so she can feel like I do right now. I love her, and I want a happy family. She doesn't know what she wants. I'm scared though, it's hard to not want to talk about us. It's really hard when she's away from me, I wonder what's she's doing. It's hard to face all you have ripped away from you. But you have too. I think you can fall in love again with him or someone else. I also know it takes 2 to tango, so you should work out your problems right now. If he won't let you, leave and do it on your own. If you don't fix yourself also, you will doomed to another loveless realtionship. Hope this helps. If you want to know how the other side feels, please just ask me.

 

Hmmmmm, and this is where the disconnect is between men and women because when we women get to the point where we don't want to talk or spend time with you....you guys are already in big trouble.

 

I definataly understand what you are saying about the less she wants you the more you want her though. I'm going through the opposite of what you are right now with the old man. I don't want to be anywhere near him and he follows me everywhere. He would never do things with me so I started doing them without him and it drives him bonkers. He's taken me to 2 concerts since I asked for a divorce. We haven't gone to anything in the last 5 years. I went to visit my parents out of town for a long weekend and I thought he was going to lose his mind. He's frantic because he's afraid. He see's everything he has slipping away and he's trying deperately to hold onto something and smothering me in the process. I've tried to tell him to let go a little but he won't. Honestly, he's doing more harm than good. I call him at work to ask him where something is and he immediatly wants to start a conversation about our relationship. He wants re-assurance from me or at least an answer about what is going to happen in the future and I don't have one yet. I'm like your wife. I don't know. The decision is too great when you have kids inolved. Something has to come clear.

 

My suggestion if you want your wife to start seeing you in a different light? You want her to feel how you feel? Go out and live your life. That's what she's done to you. Instead, this time, you be the one with plans and adventures and friends (platonic of course). Make her wonder what you're doing and make her think to herself....that would have been fun to do together. Why didn't he ask me? Learn to play the guitar or something. That's what I did. I reminded my husband that I am an intelligent, articulate, talented, human being and not just his wife and mother of his children. Unfortunately, I still see him as a jerk. Ah well, it is what it is and I just keep swimming.

[Luke21]

Red, your husband sounds like he is in the same boat as a lot of us guys, but maybe not quite as bad. I think of some of the things I said and did to my wife and it makes me sick to my stomach (never physical of course). I was so selfish and ugly that it is amazing that this has not happened to me sooner.

 

Your husband is trying so hard now because he is scared to death of losing the woman he loves and the mother of his children. Change is scary as hell for some (me included) and he can not imagine living his life without you. It is putting you off because he is trying so hard, but as guys we dont know what else to do. When we want something as bad as this, we go to any length necessary to get it. You ladies are wired so differently then us, and we can not understand how you feel and think, we can only attempt (which we usually screw up). Cut him a little slack, tell him to quite trying so hard. Tell him to give you the chance to miss him. That is what my wife is telling me. Just being out of the house has not been enough for her in my case. We still spoke everyday.

 

The bad thing is, is that it seems like you might be waiting for your husband to get a little grounded again to see if you can possibly love him again and actually desire his companionship again. He is not going to be able to do this until he sees you doing the same. It is a double edged sword. If I ever get the chance to move back in with my wife, I am afraid I am still going to be too clingy and smothering, because I envision us being better then ever right off the bat. I know that is not going to happen though and I have to prepare myself for a long battle (this is me being super positive and optimistic!). I bet your husband is feeling a lot like myself. Scared as hell, lonely, destroyed etc. etc...

 

For the sake of your marriage vows and for the sake of your children, just give it some more time. Think of the things that you like and love about him instead of the things that pushed you to this point. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt instead of focusing on his deficiences.

 

I hope I am not over stepping my bounds here. I know your husband loves you, and if he is as dedicated to you as I am to my wife, then he IS capable of making changes, whether you believe it or not. He sounds like a good man who's priorities may have been a little out of wack.

 

Also, if I am missing some key parts of the story, I apologize. Fill me in on anything I might need to know.

[runrocket]

Red, your husband sounds like he is in the same boat as a lot of us guys, but maybe not quite as bad. I think of some of the things I said and did to my wife and it makes me sick to my stomach (never physical of course). I was so selfish and ugly that it is amazing that this has not happened to me sooner.

 

Your husband is trying so hard now because he is scared to death of losing the woman he loves and the mother of his children. Change is scary as hell for some (me included) and he can not imagine living his life without you. It is putting you off because he is trying so hard, but as guys we dont know what else to do. When we want something as bad as this, we go to any length necessary to get it. You ladies are wired so differently then us, and we can not understand how you feel and think, we can only attempt (which we usually screw up). Cut him a little slack, tell him to quite trying so hard. Tell him to give you the chance to miss him. That is what my wife is telling me. Just being out of the house has not been enough for her in my case. We still spoke everyday.

 

The bad thing is, is that it seems like you might be waiting for your husband to get a little grounded again to see if you can possibly love him again and actually desire his companionship again. He is not going to be able to do this until he sees you doing the same. It is a double edged sword. If I ever get the chance to move back in with my wife, I am afraid I am still going to be too clingy and smothering, because I envision us being better then ever right off the bat. I know that is not going to happen though and I have to prepare myself for a long battle (this is me being super positive and optimistic!). I bet your husband is feeling a lot like myself. Scared as hell, lonely, destroyed etc. etc...

 

For the sake of your marriage vows and for the sake of your children, just give it some more time. Think of the things that you like and love about him instead of the things that pushed you to this point. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt instead of focusing on his deficiences.

 

I hope I am not over stepping my bounds here. I know your husband loves you, and if he is as dedicated to you as I am to my wife, then he IS capable of making changes, whether you believe it or not. He sounds like a good man who's priorities may have been a little out of wack.

 

Also, if I am missing some key parts of the story, I apologize. Fill me in on anything I might need to know.

 

Well, there was that time he chunked a chair in my general direction. I know he wasn't REALLY trying to hit me with it but I made sure he knew that if he ever did that again I would have his arse.

 

No, actually he sounds quite a lot like you. Reading your story has actually helped me to understand him quite a bit. Thankfully you are a little more articulate than he is.

 

I'm feeling more optimistic today. We had a good honest talk this morning about things. He can't understand why I won't just let it go and get back to business as usual (I think he actually told me to get my head out of my arse) and I can't understand why he thinks something that took 5 years to de-rail would only take a few months to fix. I've lost my trust in him because he has told me so many times that he understood why I was upset and that he was going to change and he would for a while then go right back to being a tool. My fear is that when the fear is gone and the smoke clears I'll be left with the same problem that I have now. Anyway, we have a catch 22, can't win for losing situation and at some point I am going to have to make a leap of faith. I know one day soon I'll make my ultimate decision. Today I'm leaning more towards keeping the family together but he's done a good job of keeping out of my hair for a couple of days. Whew, sometimes you just need that space to breathe you know? Like if you play the same level on a video game for 50 tries and you go to sleep and get it the first time around when you wake up. Sometimes you just need to give your mind a rest from it.