5 yr relationship ended,

[Brent07]

My x-gf and I had gone out for 5 and a half years. Over the last year or so we've talked about eventually taking a break from eachother because we started together when she was 15 and I was 16. We are now currently 21. over a month ago she came forward with the idea that we should break up now, saying it was better now than 4 years from now. The difficult part in all this is that she said she wants to do this to experience life on her own without me so she can get to know herself without me. The worse part is that she says she wants to marry me and knows and feels that we will end up together in the end and that we need to experience being apart from one another to make us stronger in the end. She has no idea on how long it would be, all she said was that she knows she does not want me be with me right now and that its possible she could maybe even get another boyfriend eventually. I find this a little weird that shes so sure shell end up with me but she says "maybe" to having a boyfriend in between that. When she ended it, i texted her for the next couple of days saying I miss her and all and she would be the one to say we have to stop talking now and cut communication. Yet the day she ended it she also wondered if we should ever go clubbing together or maybe even study together. I talked to her out of weakness for the first 6 days we were broken up either by text messages, phone call, e-mail and in person. Now it is over a month we are broken up and over 3 weeks we havent talked in any way. I will not initiate any conversation in any way unless she does. I will not wait for her to come back to me. I am however extremely heart broken, depressed and confused. I am having a hard time moving on because of her "i want to marry you statement" and "i know we will be together in the end" statement but yet she says its possible she gets another boyfriend.

 

also, just this weeked it was one of my friends b-day on saturday but they knew from 2 weeks ago that i was not going to come because i had an exam on the sunday morning after. What happened was that 2 weeks ago they asked me if they could invite my ex-gf to the b-day. I told them they could do what they want but if she comes i would like to know because i may not. But when they told me the date i knew i couldnt go cuz of my test the next day so i told them you matters well invite her i wont be there anyways. So that party was saturday and she eneded up going, it was at a club. I have asked all my friends never to give me updates on my ex and never to tell me if they see her anywhere including with another guy. I made an exception for this since i already knew she would be going. My friend told me she didnt do anything bad and enjoyed the night like she would have as if we were still together. She didnt go crazy or do stuff with other guys etc but still seemed happy and all. She did however talk to my friend about me and her for a couple of things. She didnt talk to him about it once, but brought different things up about me and her throughout the night. but its like she only talked about us, she still enjoyed the night. She asked him how i was doing and he said i was doing good. When he said this to her she said "really because he hasnt called me" and apparently had a mad/disappointed look on her face. He told her it was tough in the beginning for me but that now i am better. Because she seemed to have wanted me to call He told her "well isnt that the point, that you guys not talk" and she told him "i guess your right". She also asked him if i was dating. He said no and asked her the same thing and she said no. She even retold him the story of how she did this cuz weve been together since we were young and knows she will marry me and get back. SHE ACTUALLY SAID THE MARIAGE THING TO MY FRIEND. she also asked him if she thinks id be her friend because she thinks i wouldnt want to. My friend just said well maybe eventually but for sure not now cuz its too early. She again said "i guess your right". She even asked two of my friends if they hated her now and even asked one of them if he is taking my side. They both told her no they dont hate her, and of course they are going to take my side. (i didnt even know there was a side to take, so i dont know what shes talking about there). My friend also said hes on the side of us getting back together lol. She also told one of my friends shes happy hes there for me. Also, in the beginning of the nite she asked my friend if i was comming and he said no, and she told him "ya cuz he has an exam", so i guess the b-day girl told her when she invited her to come. The final thing is when my friend asked her "how are you" she didnt give the usual "good you" answer. I forgot what it was he said she answered but i think it was something like she said shes ok but she wasnt like supper natural or comfortable when she answered. she didnt say i miss him and its been hard but basically she didnt give the usual answer and hinted that theres something different. So incase anyone thinks NCR wont work, it does cuz im getting a reaction out of her and im slowly being better, although still far from it. Thats also because im trying to get over her for good and am trying to ignore that shes so sure we will get back, so thats also why its harder. When she broke up with me i told her shes risking us never getting back cuz i told her i dont think we would and she told me thats the risk shes willing to take.

 

please, if you have any advice from experience or anything i would love to know. this is very hard

[gavinus]

She wants to go...so let her go! how can she miss you if you are always there? Let her go, be strong, it will pay off in the end for you. She does not want you in her life...so give her what she wants, set her free and pour all your time and energy into you as you deserve it the most. It is hard but you guys are sooo young, thats a good thing. Stay strong you can do it

[amien]

I was in a very similar position a few years ago. My boyfriend and I dated in high school, when we were 17 and 18. It lasted nearly three years, until we were 20-21 in college. We went to two separate colleges, about an hour apart, and so we only really saw each other every two weeks. There were no serious problems with the relationship, we were very much in love and happy, but after three years it started to feel stale and it was hard to maintain the relationship long-distance, and I was trying to figure out who I was in college. At the same time I was so confident that we would eventually get married (and we had talked about this) that I decided we should take a "break" so that we could experience at least a few months to a year of college as single individuals. I felt like my identity had always been attached to this relationship, I felt that if I just always stayed with my boyfriend until we were married, I would regret it. I would always wish I had known what it was like to be single, date other guys, and so on. But I really did love him, and it was my mistake to just blindly assume we would end up together no matter what.

 

I knew I didn't want to be with him at the moment, but I didn't want to let him go forever, I just wanted to take some time off to see what it was like to be single. I talked to him about this and he agreed completely. We decided to take a break. We could still spend time together and even have sex, but we could also be free to casually date other people, but we would not be in a relationship and if we ever started to feel like we didn't want to get back together we should say so immediately. These were dumb rules, and I know it in retrospect. We should have kept no contact and made deadlines. It worked okay for the first 2 months, because we had very limited contact, but once I started seeing him again he wanted to get back together but instead of just talking to me about it, he started calling me every day, showing up at my dorm, sending me gifts, begging me to spend time with him, saying "I love you", and so on. He acted like nothing had happened. I was extremely angry that he had no respect for my personal space and it was a total turn off that he acted so desperate without me. I started ignoring his calls, trying to avoid him, telling him to back off, etc. Neither of us handled this well. We both should have sat the other down and had an open talk about what we wanted, but our communication was terrible.

 

He finally stopped bothering me for about 1-2 months. I felt better, but towards the end I started to miss him. Then I discovered (from facebook) that he had a new girlfriend. I was livid. I was so angry that he found a girlfriend without telling me, and of course I was jealous and hurt as well. I confronted him about it and after a series of talks he broke up with the girlfriend and we tried to get back together but it was an utter disaster. We first began our break in October 2007, he broke up with his girlfriend in May 2008, and basically since that May we have been viciously fighting, trapped in an on again off again cycle. It's finally over now, two years later.

 

I don't know your ex-girlfriend but it sounds similar to how I felt. The problem is at the time I wanted space and freedom, but I also wanted my boyfriend to be there for me when I felt ready for him. The truth is you can't have both. I took him for granted. If the relationship wasn't working for me anymore, I should have just ended it, and without assuming we'd magically get back together in the end. If I wasn't ready to break up with him, we should have talked about how we could improve the relationship. Feelings get hurt during a break, sometimes beyond forgiveness. It's unlikely both partners will be on the same page: it's more likely that one person will start to want to make the break up permenant while the other won't. It just prolongs the pain. I would tell her that you can't be her safety net for the future, there's absolutely no guarantee you will get married. And you should definitely stop contact. I know how hard that is, especially if you love her and don't want her to leave for good, but if you stop talking to her, it's possible she will realize what it's like without you and want you back. If not, at least you're on a path towards healing from the relationship.

[stace79]

I think her saying she thinks you could end up married some day is a comfort to her, because even though she broke up with you it's still a shock. I also think she's trying to soften the blow. It's likely she does really care about you -- you guys have grown up together somewhat.

 

I agree with the other posters about moving on. Don't hold on to things she's saying. Look at what she's doing. If she's not calling you, she broke up with you, etc. you should move on. Don't plan on seeing her again. Try to make yourself better, but not for her, just because that's life and you should always try to self-improve.

 

I think she also has a point -- you two are very young and have not experienced dating much. You sort of need different perspectives to know what you really want out of life. Trust me, I didn't even start getting a clue about what I wanted until I hit 30 years old!

 

It will be hard, but you can get through it. Good luck.

[Brent07]

It's unlikely both partners will be on the same page: it's more likely that one person will start to want to make the break up permenant while the other won't. It just prolongs the pain. I would tell her that you can't be her safety net for the future, there's absolutely no guarantee you will get married. And you should definitely stop contact.

 

Thanks amien, i was hoping i would find someone who was in m situation so i could know how things ended up for them. You said i should tell her i cant be her safety net for the future, i wont be able to tell her this because its a month i havent talked to her and i wont be. Even if she calls me i wont bring up anything up about me and her. But i have told her that i dont think we will get back especially once other people are in our life in between. She even said she "maybe" will get another bf eventually. I told her i dont see how we would get back especially if we she gets another bf. She would just get mad at me and say "well are you going to have sex with other girls" lol. I think i may know why she would want another bf, tell me what you think of this (and anyone else who can weigh in also). Shes not the type who will have sex or do the other big things unless the guy is her bf. She would make out with someone just for fun but for the bigger stuff it would probably have to be her bf. At the same time she wouldnt just go out with anyone and because i was her first long and serious relationship (she had mini non-serious ones before me) she doesnt really have much to compare me to. Shes also never had sex with anyone else. I was wondering if its possible she would eventually get a new bf (someone she at least likes) just to at least have something to compare me with both emotionaly and in bed lol? She did tell me she feels like she doesnt appreciate me anymore and thats why she wants us to experience this. I also know her sister and her sisters husband did the same thing. They broke up when yong, then had other people, then they got back at a later time and are now married with a kid so im sure this is in the back of her head cuz she saw a family member do it. When you said things are over for good with your ex-bf, who was the one to end it for good? Do you think its more likely she will be the one to want to get back since she ended it with me? Its been very hard for me cuz i havent talked to her in a month and i know i wont be initiating anything, but the consequence of that is that it makes this alot harder on. What do you think of all this?

[Brent07]

i also forgot to mention this,

 

when i told her i dont think i would accept her being with someone else in between once she would want to get back, she told me it sucks that i think like that and that if i love her i should not let that get in the way of being together when the time comes. I know people might say well if she loved you she would stay with you, but i dont think going straight from 15 years old to marriage was the best idea for us. I also told her theres a good chance that this is it forever and that thats what i believed. She told me thats the risk shes willing to take because we need to experience this.

 

Do you think shes missing me now and crying like i am still lol. its been over a month were broken up and 1 month we dont talk. I do know that a week before we broke up, we said wed take a week break (i didnt know she was planning on ending it lol) and not talk to eachother. She ended up texting me she loves me soo much and calling me on the phone sounding completly dead, no energy. She would tell me this is so hard in a very low and weak voice which is not very like her to do. Maybe she did her grieving and weakness there so now shes good?

Edited October 14, 2009 by Brent07

[hellothar]

I don't feel that if she really believed you two were meant to be together she would be thinking about dating other people. Sure she might want some independence, and that could be done still in the confines of a relationship with you or on a break apart in which you both take some time to be independent in life, but not in love interests. I feel that she is trying to spare your feelings some and keep you upbeat, but does not realize she also may be stringing you along as you wait for her to come back.

 

You are familiar to her, you are someone she knows she can trust, and she sees you as someone she could spend the rest of her life with but is not ready to make that commitment and wants to see what else is out there. I would not contact her, let her off to live her life, and you live yours without expecting her to come back.

[amien]

Again, the situation sounds similar. This guy was my first boyfriend - we started dating when I turned 17, and we were together up until my second year of college when I was about to turn 20. I had never been with another guy. I had crushes and flirted when I was in high school, but it was never anything serious emotionally or physically. Part of my desire to break-up with my boyfriend was simply that I had only ever been with one guy, and now that I was nearly 20, I felt like I was maybe missing out. I think I just felt self-conscious because most of my friends were single and hooking up with lots of guys. I wanted to know if I could do that too, I wanted to know what else was out there, so to speak. But I am not comfortable being physically serious with anyone unless I know them pretty well, so I didn't really end up doing anything. But the thought of only ever being with one guy my whole life was unsettling, because like I said I really thought I'd marry this guy.

 

I totally understand what you mean about really loving someone, but you've been together for so long and you're still so young that it doesn't seem healthy to just commit to them for the rest of your life without experiencing being single or dating other people first. A break sounds like a good idea, which is why I did it myself. But other people warned me and I didn't listen.

 

I think she does love you, and it's possible she may even try to come back to you. But she may only come back because she feels lonely or doesn't like the other guys she has met. Is that really what you want? I think it's best to act like the relationship is over, and maybe after being independent for awhile, in the future you may reunite if you stay in casual touch. The idea of having another boyfriend or girlfriend "in between" getting back together doesn't work. Why would you go into a relationship knowing that in the end you really want to be with someone else anyway? It's not giving the new person a fair chance. And this will often complicate things. Perhaps the new boyfriend or girlfriend will be around for years. Who would want to wait for that? What if your girlfriend decides she wants to marry her new boyfriend, while you're expecting her to break up with him? It's ugly.

 

This is what happened to me. My boyfriend got into a rebound relationship within a month or so of realizing I wanted to be left alone, and once I found out I wanted him back. I thought it would be as simple as him breaking up with the new girl (they had only dated for a month anyway) and getting back with me - but it wasn't. We got back together, but he still had leftover feelings for the rebound girlfriend, and I think his anxiety that I would leave him again or that I only wanted him back out of jealousy caused him to secretly continue talking to her in hopes that if I left him, he would still have her as a back-up. This is what destroyed our relationship. I found out that he was still talking to his ex-girlfriend, and that he even asked her to get back together with him - while we were together. It was even more horrible because I was actually studying abroad in Africa at this point and bought him a $1500 plane ticket to visit me, and I found out while he was visiting that he had sent her an email begging for her back. This effectively ruined our relationship for good because I could never trust him again. I gave him several "second chances" to stop lying and cheating on me, but he never did, so I finally broke up with him in March. We started hooking up again this summer. I actually just found out this weekend that he has had a girlfriend for months and he's been cheating on her with me. So, basically, he turned out to be someone I didn't recognize, but I think a lot of it has to do with our poor communication, mistrust, and pain from the break. It would have been far better to make a clean break.

[Brent07]

thanks again for the advice. But where my situation is a little different from yours is that, its over a month were broken up and we havent had any contact since over 3 weeks and wont be having any. Unlike your situation, we have no arangement to hook up sometimes, talk sometimes and date other people. Its just a simple were out of eachother lives (for now i guess?) and she doesnt expect me to wait for her and wants be to live my life as a single for now lol. I have also told her i dont think we will get back but shes willing to take the chance. Another difference is that I dont have a rebound relationship and i wont have one either. I will eventually hook up for fun, but definatetly no gf stuff for a very long time. I had even told her if shes serious about getting back with me, she wont hook up for the next 5 months and to stay away from guys i know of or know. She actually agreed to do this (although i highly doubt she will stick to it lol). I told her the reason i said this was because id be more willing to accept what she does from now till when we get back if i knew she waited a respectful amount of time before getting with another guy and if its a guy i dont know of it would be easier to be ok with it. She thinks for me shed be able to accept it, (im not so sure she will find it that easy) and i told her for me theres no guarantees i will accept anything, but that this way theres a higher chance i do. I did tell her i probably wont accept anything regardless and for me this is it forever, and she would just say im stupid to think like that.She would say the point of this break is to be apart, not because she wants to meet other guys, but she did say if it happens it happens and it probably will not just for her but for both of us. When i asked her about getting a new bf she said i dont know and then said "maybe". Keep in mind that all these conversations i had with her took place within 6 days of breaking up, because after that we havent talked since. You do make a good point on if she gets a new bf and they break up, how would he simply leave her life? i also brought that up with her, i told her if you know your going to end up with me but get another bf whats the point if you know it will end anyway? she didnt really have an answer but pretty much saw it to be more as an experience as opposed to it being to spend her future with him. like i said before, her sister having done something similar is probably in the back of her head. Another difference between us is that even if she does get another bf or wtv, and same thing for me with a gf or hooking up, we wont be talking to eachother anyways. So wed only know if we hear about it second hand, which wont change anything for me cuz i wont confront her or anything about it, i dont know what she would do. It would only be once shes serious about getting back, wed have to hear eachother stories and see whats what from there. But wed only get back into contact 2 ways 1) she contacts me or 2) we bump into eachother somewhere which leads to further contact. We are basically doing what you said you should have done with your bf and that is to make a serious clean break in every way from eachother, which means eventual other people in our life without contacting eachother or antyhing. Im aware we both might find someone better. So keeping in mind these differences, what do you think that means for us long term? i say long term because short term nothing will change, we wont talk, were both single and will live our life as single. but with your experience and if your situation was different and it was what you said you should have done (which is what i am doing), how do you think this all ends? Keep in mind that i do think 2 to 4 months will at least go by before other people are in our life. Although that doesnt mean that we will hear about it. I even asked anyone close to me not to give me updates about her even if she has a new bf. I dont have facebook or anything and even if i do, i would block her so i dont see nothing of her. So how do you think all this ends?

Edited October 14, 2009 by Brent07