FeelingLonely98 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 OK - I won't rehash my "Divorce and Seperation" posts ... Long story short: I was heartbroken and blindsided by my STBXW 6 & 1/2 weeks ago. D is now inevitable. I'm going out with my Sis, her BF, & a some friends to a rock bar this Sat. There are always a lot of nice single women there. NOW PLEASE KNOW THIS --> I am not looking for a GF or companion at all!! I would just like to talk to some folks (M & W) and have a little fun. I am worried --> after 16 yrs. of 1,000,000% commitment and faithfulness to my STBXW that I will not even know how to talk to someone if she shows a little bit of interest in me. Laugh at me if you want ... but I foresee this. I am very confident generally, deal with the public a lot. Folks seem to like me. I'm told I'm attractive for my age. People seem to place 8-10 years younger than I actually am. Not sure how I will do Sat. though. If I did like someone at what point do I tell them I am going thru a D? What if a woman likes me and tries to get closer? I don't know, ... just confused - I guess I sound like I'm all over the place. I just want to fit in and have a little fun and not look like a fool. (I don't really have any close friends though - maybe I can make some starting this weekend ? (male & female) - all old friends were the STBXW's - and I devoted my world to my STBXW for 16 years so I never really formed close friendships.) Advice? THANKS !!!!!
lucy9216 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Just have fun! it is too soon to be looking for a relationship as you already said, but you will know down the road if you have a connection with someone. But like you said you are just looking to meet some new people and have fun, so go out with just that attitude and if people already seem to like you because you are in the public alot then you should not have any problems making new friends, just be yourself.
EcstasyX6 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Please forgive me. I'm still a 'noob' here or is it 'newb'(my kids say it), but what's a STB(I get the XW)? Anyway, I'm just out of a 17 year marriage, but I already have a bf. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm done with the bar and club scene, except for simply sitting and having a drink and listening to music. I go with my gfs sometimes though who are still trying to throw out baite(we're in our 40s), but I think it's ridiculous at this stage(for me that is-if others still enjoy that scene..no judgment from me). Most of all, relax, and be yourself. Get into enjoying the atmosphere and really, have a good time. If you're self conscious you won't have fun.
lucy9216 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 STBXW, Soon to be ex wife.... I know I am learning it myself hahaha....
seibert253 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 It's like riding a bike. You think you forget how, but once you get back on. Have fun, enjoy yourself, be smart, and be safe. We're all rooting for ya! Peace,
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Thanks Lucy, Ecstasy, and Seibert, ...!!!
stepka Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Ah, you'll be fine--you'll even start to see that being single won't be so bad after all. If you can talk someone else into driving, you might even enjoy tying one on, and that will certainly loosen you up--you gotta do it once. So sorry to hear about what you're going through--it happens to the best of us. 23 years here. Have fun!
EcstasyX6 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 You're welcome. Please let us know how things turned out. (Thanks for the translation Lucy. I have many more to learn. )
sumdude Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Sucks what you're going through. Been there about three years ago. It's hard not to worry about what to do, try your best just to be in the moment. No expectations, don't force yourself to do anything. Even if you just sit there and enjoy the music that's OK too. You don't HAVE to meet new people right this second but it's cool if you do. Don't be surprised if some heavy emotions hit you too.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Ah, you'll be fine--you'll even start to see that being single won't be so bad after all. If you can talk someone else into driving, you might even enjoy tying one on, and that will certainly loosen you up--you gotta do it once. So sorry to hear about what you're going through--it happens to the best of us. 23 years here. Have fun! Actually I'll be crashing at my little sister's place and she's driving me - I'm going to do my damndest to have fun.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 ... Don't be surprised if some heavy emotions hit you too... You are right SD - I'll try to keep them in check. Maybe a few drinks'll help with that. But sometimes alcohol can let the emotions out even more. Wahtever, I need to try to party a little for the first time in 2 months. THANKS EVERY1 for your advice. I love all the posts ... I'll let you all know how it goes ...
sumdude Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 But sometimes alcohol can let the emotions out even more. Oh yeah it can... make sure to have a getaway plan in case the night ends up going in a negative direction.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Oh yeah it can... make sure to have a getaway plan in case the night ends up going in a negative direction. My sis and her BF are gonna be with me ... I'll be ok in that respect..
phineas Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I've been there. I occasionally went out. But I was tending to mope a little when in large groups & really wasn't interested in the women trying to strike up conversation. it just takes time. You'll be ready when you are ready.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 I actually think I'm ready. NOT for a serious fling or a GF or anything likke that ... just want to have some fun. My stbxw has been so cruel thru all of this while I have been dignified and nice to her (all while having a broken heart) --> that my heart is EMPTY of any feeling for our M anymore. I would have never believed this on the bomb-drop day or even 2-3 weeks ago - but here I am ... Later PEACE!
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 OK - Last night was a lot of FUN - sorta. Closed the place down. The bar band we went to see was actually pretty good. Had plenty to drink. :-) Talked to a lot of cool nice folks. The issue was while talking to some women I felt very uncomfortable. I felt like I shouldn't be talking to them (I am still married!) and also that if I wanted to be a little "friendly" (I don't know - maybe flirt a little or whatever) that I wouldn't really know how to act. It's been 16 years since I've actually done this - and THAT was with my stbxw!!! :-| Also, I guess I still feel like I'm in my 20's instead of mid-40's because it feels to me like that women 10-15 years younger than me were on my par. (Hope that doesn't sound bad - not sure how to explain myself - hope you understand what I mean.) I've been told I look like I'm in my 30's so I think I'm youthful looking. Down the road I don't want to not give a chance to a great gal that might be more my age because of this feeling?!?!? Anyways, I didn't drive - crashed at my sisters, woke up at Noon and came back home to continue cleaning and fixing the house the way I like it!! Can't wait to get out again. (Making plans for a 3-4 day trip to Vegas in a month or so.)
stepka Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Glad to hear it went well. You'll be back in the game in no time, but then you'll probably have some bad times too when you don't want to do anything. But this is a good sign that you're going to make it on your own. Sounds like you have a great sis.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Glad to hear it went well. You'll be back in the game in no time, but then you'll probably have some bad times too when you don't want to do anything. But this is a good sign that you're going to make it on your own. Sounds like you have a great sis. Actually I've got three great sisters who have all stepped up to the plate to help thru this extremely difficult time. (Mom has been great too!)
stepka Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Actually I've got three great sisters who have all stepped up to the plate to help thru this extremely difficult time. (Mom has been great too!) Ah, lucky you.
seibert253 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Feeling, Dude, you've come a long way. Personally, I'm proud of how far you've come in such a short time. Especially after the hand you've been delt by your STBXW. Women, (not girls, there's a big difference), dig the confidence a mature man portrays. "This is who I am, this is what I want, and I will settle for nothing less", brings them running. Keep up the good work, chin up, and put this phase to memory, "forward, not back". Soon they'll come running. But, remember, you're still very vulnerable. Take your time, be selective. Don't get caught in the rebound effect. Keep this path and eventually your STBXW will be jeolous and envyous. It's a great feeling when she comes back and you can say, "sorry my dear, you had your chance, and I've moved on". Peace and Good Luck
D-Lish Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Also, I guess I still feel like I'm in my 20's instead of mid-40's because it feels to me like that women 10-15 years younger than me were on my par. (Hope that doesn't sound bad - not sure how to explain myself - hope you understand what I mean.) I've been told I look like I'm in my 30's so I think I'm youthful looking. Down the road I don't want to not give a chance to a great gal that might be more my age because of this feeling?!?!? ) None of that sounds bad. It will hit you one of these days when you meet someone that catches your eye and when you find out their age- you'll have thought they were much younger. Going out and getting back on the scene is a crazy time. I did it when I was 32. I'd been with the same guy for so long that I didn't know wtf I was doing. I'd have to tell you that those times were both the best and worst years of my life.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Feeling, Dude, you've come a long way. Personally, I'm proud of how far you've come in such a short time. Especially after the hand you've been delt by your STBXW. Women, (not girls, there's a big difference), dig the confidence a mature man portrays. "This is who I am, this is what I want, and I will settle for nothing less", brings them running. Keep up the good work, chin up, and put this phase to memory, "forward, not back". Soon they'll come running. But, remember, you're still very vulnerable. Take your time, be selective. Don't get caught in the rebound effect. Keep this path and eventually your STBXW will be jeolous and envyous. It's a great feeling when she comes back and you can say, "sorry my dear, you had your chance, and I've moved on". Peace and Good Luck Thanks Seibert - Great words of advice. I have only gotten to this place so fast b/c the STBXW has been so mean and cruel thru all of this. I swear if she had been nicer or whatever, I'd probably still be where I was a month or so ago. (It's only day 53 since D-day!!)
stepka Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Lonely, I don't want to burst your bubble or anything, b/c it sounds like you're doing great, but there will be stepping back times when you think you're fine and then it all comes back to hit you in the face. I was doing so much better after my stbxh moved out and I immediately started moving on, and was doing great for months, and then a couple of weeks ago I got so angry and depressed that I thought I was going crazy. It's better now, but I'll not be lulled into thinking it's going to ever be as easy as it seemed like it was going to be. I read your divorce posts and your stbxw sounds like a real piece of work, but I can't say whether that makes is better or worse. Better b/c it's obvious she's crazy, so it can't be you, but worse b/c you'll probably not be able to salvage a friendship out of it, as I hope to do with mine. Anyway, hang in there--and check in with all of us when you need to. And while you're healing, write a book--you've got the material.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Lonely, I don't want to burst your bubble or anything, b/c it sounds like you're doing great, but there will be stepping back times when you think you're fine and then it all comes back to hit you in the face. I was doing so much better after my stbxh moved out and I immediately started moving on, and was doing great for months, and then a couple of weeks ago I got so angry and depressed that I thought I was going crazy. It's better now, but I'll not be lulled into thinking it's going to ever be as easy as it seemed like it was going to be. I read your divorce posts and your stbxw sounds like a real piece of work, but I can't say whether that makes is better or worse. Better b/c it's obvious she's crazy, so it can't be you, but worse b/c you'll probably not be able to salvage a friendship out of it, as I hope to do with mine. Anyway, hang in there--and check in with all of us when you need to. And while you're healing, write a book--you've got the material. Thanks for the words of advice Step - - - I had one of those "moments" last night where it really hit me!! The fact that she is "crazy" like you said has helped to get me where I am now... probably much sooner than most do. Anyway, the last sentence made me smile. I needed that. (Maybe I will write a book!!!)
seibert253 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Thanks for the words of advice Step - - - I had one of those "moments" last night where it really hit me!! The fact that she is "crazy" like you said has helped to get me where I am now... probably much sooner than most do. Anyway, the last sentence made me smile. I needed that. (Maybe I will write a book!!!) I swear sometimes that aliens have invaded their bodies. My FWW was a complete opposite of herself during and right after her A. When she was still deep in the fog and fencesitting I actully put that quesstion to her; "who the fu#k are you and what happened to the woman I married and spent the last 12 years with?"
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