After way too fast start, is there enough interest for her to come back

[groedy]

Ok, I will cut out the details leading to the break up unless someone asks, so here are my questions, note, this is long distance relationship that she initiated

 

We had big argument because her friend "stumbled" into my computer history and found I had eharmony account. When confronted, I told her the truth, that I did have an active account, which I had before we started dating and I go in and close matches with the reason "Pursuing another relationship." Offered to close the account and promise that I did not maliciously do anything to hurt her. I apologized for making her feel bad, but not for being unfaithful at all because I wasn't. What else could I have done to make her believe me? I know it was stupid to be on there at all, but my account almost became force of habit, like checking email. And I did suspend it that very night.

 

Later in arguments she says that her grades are slipping, that she has done nothing but stress (my first time hearing this), and that she had been in 2 LDR before this and they are really hard and she doesn't know if she can handle it.

 

She breaks up with me a week later but sites school and overall stress. She says she kept trying to convince herself that it could work but didn't think it was a good decision right now. Also that now is not the right time for us. Is she leaving the door open for future possibility? Is it really the eharmony thing and she just doesn't want to say it? In a relationship like this that only lasted 2.5 months but she introduced me to all of her friends and family have enough of a lasting impression for her to think twice?

 

Thanks for any feedback.

[Angel1111]

I think that she was pretty wounded by the eHarmony thing and felt that you didn't feel strongly enough about her and that's why you kept the door open. It's hard to say if she's hoping for something more down the road but given her past with LDRs, this may not be a situation that will work out for her.

 

If you really want her back, you'll need to pursue her.

[groedy]

I will have to do the pursuing? Needless to say like everyone else on here, I am fighting every urge not to contact her because I was the one that got dumped. Before she made her official decision, I told her I would make all accommodations for coming home to see her and she said that wouldn't work.

 

Also, based on other advice, I am trying to date again, but I am afraid that is only confirming her suspicions that I had backup plans. Which, again, I did not while we were together.

 

Also, the first time I messaged her since the breakup, about 2 weeks after, I just sent a quick little running joke that we used to have. She responded within minutes. Good sign? Bad sign? Just being curteous?

[Angel1111]

If you're willing to let the relationship end, then go ahead and forget her and date other people. But if you're not willing to let it end, then dating other people is the absolute last thing you should be doing.

 

Yes, she ended the relationship but look at why she probably did that. So, yes, if you want her back, you'll need to pursue her. If you just accept it and start seeing other people, you will confirm what she already suspected. Just be sure this is what you want before you try getting her back. Are you that serious about her? Will an LDR really work?

 

Yeah, it's a good sign that she texed you back. It means she's still open to talking to you.

[New_Life08]

I would guess that she has had some issues with deceit and/or infidelity from past relationships; this time could seem like more of the same.

 

Like someone else said she likely feels that the relationship was not a priority to you to continue in the online dating thing. Even if it was to look out of curiosity...says something about your readiness to commit to her.

 

Most people who find the one they want will make a conscious effort to close the door on other prospects.

 

My bf and I met through an online dating site. Within a month I closed my account. I just wasn't interested in anyone else, and I am not one to date multiple people at the same time. I knew we hit it off, and that was that! However, he did not close his account so swiftly and I questioned whether he felt the same. We talked about it and I think it had to do with a lingering curiosity, and the fact that he just wasn't thinking about how I perceived it. Whatever the case, I wasn't cool with that at all.

 

Needless to say, he closed it and we have been together going on 7 months.

 

I don't know how long you two have been going out, but I would like to ask if there has been anything else in the relationship that you kept from her? Has she been deceived by you in any other way whatsoever? How long have you remained on this site?

 

I can see her being concerned with the dating site, but if you closed it and apologized (for your lack of consideration for the relationship), I don't understand why this would be a deal-breaker for her; unless there is more to it.

 

?????

[groedy]

If you're willing to let the relationship end, then go ahead and forget her and date other people. But if you're not willing to let it end, then dating other people is the absolute last thing you should be doing.

 

Yes, she ended the relationship but look at why she probably did that. So, yes, if you want her back, you'll need to pursue her. If you just accept it and start seeing other people, you will confirm what she already suspected. Just be sure this is what you want before you try getting her back. Are you that serious about her? Will an LDR really work?

 

Yeah, it's a good sign that she texed you back. It means she's still open to talking to you.

 

I am that serious about her. I just didn't want to come off as moving so fast and scare her off (how ironic this is now, seeing how it played out). I think the LDR can work since we are only 3 hours apart and she lives in the town where I grew up, so even if she is unavailable all weekend, I can spend time with friends and family in the meantime.

 

Other thing that is probably killing my chances is this girl I used to know called me not long after and then put on my facebook "how was your weekend, let's keep in touch more." So if my ex saw this, she probably thinks I initiated it and went right out to meet someone.

 

So my next question is do I contact her and readdress all of these old things or rebuild focusing on the positive times?

[groedy]

I would guess that she has had some issues with deceit and/or infidelity from past relationships; this time could seem like more of the same.

 

I agree, and she did mention in our arguing that she'd "dealt with the dating sites before." She would not say to what capacity and if she was really cheated on.

 

Like someone else said she likely feels that the relationship was not a priority to you to continue in the online dating thing. Even if it was to look out of curiosity...says something about your readiness to commit to her.

 

You're probably going to think I'm lying, but believe it or not, I actually enjoyed being able to go into the thing and close matches saying "pursuing another relationship". I know, not the most noble thing to do, but that was the main reason.

 

Most people who find the one they want will make a conscious effort to close the door on other prospects.

 

My bf and I met through an online dating site. Within a month I closed my account. I just wasn't interested in anyone else, and I am not one to date multiple people at the same time. I knew we hit it off, and that was that! However, he did not close his account so swiftly and I questioned whether he felt the same. We talked about it and I think it had to do with a lingering curiosity, and the fact that he just wasn't thinking about how I perceived it. Whatever the case, I wasn't cool with that at all.

 

As I mentioned, I offered the same and did the same the very night we argued.

 

Needless to say, he closed it and we have been together going on 7 months.

 

I don't know how long you two have been going out, but I would like to ask if there has been anything else in the relationship that you kept from her? Has she been deceived by you in any other way whatsoever? How long have you remained on this site?

 

About 2 months. Only thing is she would always tell me about all of these guys hitting on her and past bf's. I would never respond to that, I am not about jealousy. But it was like she was trying to get stuff out of me about past relationships, which I didn't offer. Nothing to hide, I just think that it is rude to tell a current gf all about an ex, at least that early in.

 

Question: She would also post pictures of her and her sister at bars when I wasn't in town with guys with captions "This guy kept insisting on buying us drinks." I never said a word. How does that compare to dating sites?

 

I can see her being concerned with the dating site, but if you closed it and apologized (for your lack of consideration for the relationship), I don't understand why this would be a deal-breaker for her; unless there is more to it.

 

My family thinks that she was checking out beforehand and used this as her excuse to get out. The other spat of the weekend is she told me 3 hours before she arrived at my place that her and her friend wanted to leave at midnight that night for the beach. I stood my ground at first since I was tired from work and wanted to go to the bar with my friends, but I caved and made the drive that night.

 

?????

 

Answers above.

[leap83]

How about you try talking with her about this and open up that communication line instead of guessing? Yes. She was probably hurt by the eharmony account (speaking from experience). But, you should talk with her. She replied to you, so she's open to talking. I would try to meet up and talk in person. Gauge what is really bugging her and if she's still interested in working things out.

[groedy]

How about you try talking with her about this and open up that communication line instead of guessing? Yes. She was probably hurt by the eharmony account (speaking from experience). But, you should talk with her. She replied to you, so she's open to talking. I would try to meet up and talk in person. Gauge what is really bugging her and if she's still interested in working things out.

 

Yeah, I guess this needs to happen. I just don't want to bring up the past if she has already moved on and it will do nothing but make it worse. Another weird couple of things, when she sent me the final message saying she couldn't keep up school, work, family, friends and me, It took her another 2 days to change her relationship status on facebook. In that time, I initially responded with I wanted to talk on the phone and see if we could modify our schedule to not interfere with her school rather than breaking it off. But the next day, per the advice of family, I sent her a text saying no worries that I would respect her decision and to let me know if her schedule would ever allow us to give it another shot.

 

She also left me tagged in a photo labeled "Most likely to make out with." Again, at urging of my family, I removed myself from the tag about a week ago. More thoughts?

[leap83]

This is called "playing games." Why would you put yourself and her through that? If you really care about her, honestly sitting down and talking with her is the way to go. If you don't see a future with her, then just let her go. Ultimately it's your decision and not anyone else's. You might be hurting her through your actions which causes much more pain and confusion than actually sitting down, saying how you feel, listening to her and then going from there.

[groedy]

Ok, Ok, I will. Good news, yesterday was her birthday, so I sent a quick note wishing her a good one. She, again, responded within the hour. I also had some of her stuff to mail back to her, so I wrote a quick letter telling her that now that I have calmed down, I do know that I just want her to be happy. After venting with you all and getting some things down, I really do think I am in a good place to let the ball be in her court. So I go home in a couple of weeks and will see if she might want to have a quick lunch. Wish me luck!

[DustySaltus]

Ok, Ok, I will. Good news, yesterday was her birthday, so I sent a quick note wishing her a good one. She, again, responded within the hour. I also had some of her stuff to mail back to her, so I wrote a quick letter telling her that now that I have calmed down, I do know that I just want her to be happy. After venting with you all and getting some things down, I really do think I am in a good place to let the ball be in her court. So I go home in a couple of weeks and will see if she might want to have a quick lunch. Wish me luck!

 

 

When you say the ball is in her court understand that means that you should not be the one to contact her. You apologized and said all that you can say. Either she believes you and believes in you enough to give things a second chance or she doesn't...but you need to let HER make that decision. Right now you need to focus on YOURSELF and learn what you can from this situation.

 

My situation was a lot different then yours. My EX was snooping around my account and any trust issues or "how much I loved her" issues should've been resolved when I went to her country (7000 miles away) and asked her to marry me. But you know what, it wasn't enough. Either someone believes in you or they don't and there is NO ONE more important than someone who believes in you (besides yourself).

 

Let her go for now, as you said..the ball is in her court.

[groedy]

When you say the ball is in her court understand that means that you should not be the one to contact her. You apologized and said all that you can say. Either she believes you and believes in you enough to give things a second chance or she doesn't...but you need to let HER make that decision. Right now you need to focus on YOURSELF and learn what you can from this situation.

 

My situation was a lot different then yours. My EX was snooping around my account and any trust issues or "how much I loved her" issues should've been resolved when I went to her country (7000 miles away) and asked her to marry me. But you know what, it wasn't enough. Either someone believes in you or they don't and there is NO ONE more important than someone who believes in you (besides yourself).

 

Let her go for now, as you said..the ball is in her court.

 

First, let me say excellent profile pic.

 

You're killing me here ! I think I have done the whole self reflection. I've changed a few things and gotten more involved in my band and volunteering. I've also gotten closer to my family and more fully understand what I have been raised to hold as important.

 

If I just let her go without confirming where we stand, I'm nervous like the others say, that letting her go will only confirm for her that it was easy for me to walk away and that I wasn't that vested in it to begin with (kind of an actions speak louder than words).

 

I guess I am really just looking for closure. If she tells me no way no how ever, at least I can get back out there and start dating with no other "what if" thoughts. I've got numerous friends trying to set me up with other girls because they think I need to move on, but I don't want to do that and that be the thing that becomes the death nail.

[groedy]

Update, in case anyone is checking this out. She should receive my letter today. Basically in it, I say that I have come to accept that she either is going to trust me on the eharmony thing or she's not but that I would like to understand if that is really what is bothering her or if it is really school, or if she just lost interest. The good news is I was at least able to express how I felt, so even if I don't get a response, I think I will feel some sense of closure and know that I can go out an date again knowing I did all I could.

[Sailnet18666]

Update, in case anyone is checking this out. She should receive my letter today. Basically in it, I say that I have come to accept that she either is going to trust me on the eharmony thing or she's not but that I would like to understand if that is really what is bothering her or if it is really school, or if she just lost interest. The good news is I was at least able to express how I felt, so even if I don't get a response, I think I will feel some sense of closure and know that I can go out an date again knowing I did all I could.

What is happening now? Did you date again?

[groedy]

I've got friends trying to set me up on a handful of dates. I have been dragging my feet. I think I will give it this week to see if I get any response and then will see what else is out there I guess. Honestly, I don't expect a response, but I felt like I had to try something.