KSSDallas Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 My boyfriend...if he still is my boyfriend hasn't made any contact with me since last Thursday following a couple of emotional text conversations back and forth on that Thursday and on the preceding Tuesday. I feel like he had a meltdown. We have some issues...but I honestly don't think they are anything insurmountable. I know that he has issues of his own as well. His estranged father is back in the picture and for the first time is finally stepping up to the plate and being the man he should be in the family. This is causing my bf a lot of stress because until now he's seen himself as his mother's protector and companion...now Dad's back and my bf doesn't exactly trust him, but he wants his mom to be happy. He was talking a lot about this leading up to 'the meltdown' and (I believe) projected all his anger and frustration on to me. Since then we've only had text conversations where he's saying he's mad at me and unhappy in the relationship and I'm saying we can work it out. It's been since Thursday and I've heard nothing. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to push him away. I don't want to be a doormat either. We definitely do have our own set of problems...but I really feel like this last episode has less to do with me and more to do with his world in general. Any thoughts, encouragement, advice would be very appreciated. Thanks!
wizardof7 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Well hes certainly messed up about dad being back . And there will be dominance wars between them . Sometimes people say things that are not true when they are angry . Hes angry . He needs to be in his cave for a while . Alone with his thoughts to try and figure out how to handle it . All you can do is wait till he calls you . . Did you ever ask him specifically what hes mad at you for ? I know a guy when he gets mad , the whole word can f off and after he cool down hes fine . But it depends on what your bf's problem really is Don't wait to long . You deserve to keep yourself intact . Follow your heart and do what you think is right . That way if it is a permanent breakup you know you did everything you could .
Author KSSDallas Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Thanks for your insight wizardof7. As to what he's mad at me for...I really think he's mainly projecting his frustrations from other areas onto me. The whole struggle with his family is reaching a boiling point. He came to my house in a bad mood on Sunday and then decided to leave. He made a big deal about 'you're not going to hold this against me later are you, like in a week or month?' and I said 'If you're not happy here and you think you'd be happier at home, you should probably be there.' He left, and when I tried to contact him the next day he said i slammed the door on him and that he doesn't deserve that or want that for himself. I don't think I slammed the door...and even if I did, that doesn't warrant a weeks worth of silence. I really think he's just looking for a scapegoat. We do have issues and problems...I'm not saying the relationship is perfect, but it was far from doomed in my opinion. I'm doing good in not contacting him...its almost embarrassing to think of doing that. He's made it very clear he needs to think things through. The last thing I'm gonna do is push him more..but..its becoming more and more difficult for me to keep a level head about all of this. I feel really disrespected. I'm thinking that if I haven't heard from him by Sunday I might call him just for my own sake. I'm really sad. We had tender, sweet, fun times together all the way up to and including that last day. I don't understand why he's willing to quit on us so easily. Thanks again...
littlebittle Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Blah, that stinks and it's confusing. If he says he needs time, I guess all you can do is respect that. But you should also be able to speak for yourself and say how you feel. He's not the only one in that relationship. He probably feels overwhelmed right now and just needs some space. Give him some more time, but when you do talk to him, be honest with him. Don't be accusatory when you speak to him. Try to be understanding and supportive of what he's going through, but don't let him walk all over you. I hope he will get his head straight and do what's right. Good luck.
Author KSSDallas Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Thanks littlebittle~ It does stink, and it is confusing. Tonight it will have been a week since our last communication. I haven't made any effort to contact him, and I'm trying to stay strong...but I am wearing thin. I really am having trouble understanding why it would take this long to get his thoughts together...and the alternative it seems to me is that he's just fully walking away from the relationship...and that's really hard for me to make sense of. We were together for 8 months...he told me he loved me at 2 months and then everyday until this. How does a person who says they love you just walk away? If he calls I will do my best not to be accusatory. I'm just losing hope that he will.
wondering_girl Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 hi girl, how are you doing today? i'm sorry we're all going through this, my bf or i guess i can say ex now? i'm not even really sure of 4 years after a petty argument has given me a month's worth of silence - now, i don't know if he's going through some stuff... maybe he is, maybe he's not..... but like you said sitting in slience makes you question things over and over again - just wanted to let you know you're not alone......... mine is pretty much over because there has been no contact well, 1 when he asked me to go to a party two weeks ago but that's about it... i'm just trying to keep my sane.. hang in there i hope he turns up soon....
Solear Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 my girlfriend broke up with me on the 14 september, she went about itvery cold and devoid of emotion. she text me tonight hey, how you doin? this is the first time she's instigated contact i havent replied
Author KSSDallas Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 So its been a week and a day since I've had any contact with him... I'm actually feeling better because I had a really long conversation last night with one of my best guy friends. I don't necessarily know or think that our relationship can be saved, but I feel like I better understand where my bf has been coming from. With this new found hopeful clarity I'd like to contact him on Sunday or Monday if I haven't yet heard from him. My idea is to call him and humbly say that I'd really like to sit down and listen to how he's feeling and try to really understand his frustrations. My impression is that he thinks I react before I digest information and he may be right. I'd like the opportunity to show him that I really want to understand him and work through our 'issues'. I don't know how he'd receive this offer at this point, but after not hearing from him for over a week I feel like it can't hurt. Any thoughts, suggestions, warnings???
Author KSSDallas Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Update~ He texted me on Saturday. It was a very generic, simple exchange. Him: Hey. How are you? Me: (30 minutes later) I'm o.k. How are you? Him: I'm good Me: (another 30 minutes later or so) That's good. That was it. Kinda like he was dipping his toe in the water just to see. I haven't heard from him since. I feel like the clock has been reset and I'm as ancy as ever. Any thoughts on this? I know its not that much info...but I'm really wanting to hear from him again. Thanks.
Ms. Joolie Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 (edited) A week is a long time to have your girlfriend worried on the sidelines. It seems like he wants to be left alone, but you can't accept that attitude for too long as his girlfriend! How do you feel about giving him an actual phone call and checking in? Call him as a friend, but let him know that as his girlfriend you don't want to be shut out like that. Let him know you care. But, yeah, sounds like he's dropped the ball on you, and you may need to take the initiative to clear the air. Unless you rather just wait and see. Edited October 19, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
Author KSSDallas Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Thanks Ms. Joolie. I was leaning toward calling him...but he ended up calling me. He seems very discouraged in our relationship and I would say is 90% convinced to break up. It didn't happen...and I think I gave him a lot to consider and think about, but in the end its up to him. We left it unresolved and he told me that he doesn't know when he'll call me again. He has so much anger. It's so bizarre to me. I'm doing all I can to be open and honest and willing to listen...why the anger? I guess this has just been brewing under the surface for a while. He needs more space. This is very hard on me. He won't break up, but he won't commit to starting over and working on our relationship. I think his anger is paralyzing him. Does anyone think that a guy like this can come to his senses and be reasonable?
Author KSSDallas Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Thanks for that JaggedRoad. I don't want false hope, but I do want to know if hope is at all reasonable. I was just looking over my saved texts from him...and just two weeks before the 'meltdown' he was texting me the sweetest most sincere things. I'm really hoping he'll remember how good things were...despite the bad. I hope he hasn't turned this corner permanently.
Ms. Joolie Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) I think the most you can do right now is be friendly with him about it and try to understand, but if he's not open to a romantic relationship right now you will have to accept that. Not that it's right or wrong, but he's letting his personal life absorb his time and energy right now. In the end, you just can't let your own time and energy go to someone who is not giving you a return of your investment. Not that your relationship has to end right now. Maybe keep in touch with him because you care, but maybe keep in touch so that it leaves an opening for him to renew your relationship. At the same time, yeah, don't have false hopes. Use the opportunity of an occasional text/email/call, but maybe as a way to wean yourself off of it all. Maybe you need a heart-to-heart email. I love those. They help me out so much to unload and get my message across and for closure. So what are you going to do? Is it over then or are you going to hold on? Edited October 20, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
Author KSSDallas Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Thanks Ms. Joolie. I don't know what will happen next. I'm just really in shock over his about face. Its hard to know that at one moment he's making plans for the future and the next he's just done. He thinks I slammed a door in his face...well he's done the same and more. It amazes me that he doesn't see that. I'm leaving him alone right now...but its exhausting. I don't want to pull the plug. I want him in my life...but I feel like he's a totally different person right now. He had so much anger in him last night when we were talking. I'm afraid he would respond negatively to any contact I make. If I do make contact I'm thinking of being more direct and saying something along the lines of 'Maybe you're right. Maybe this won't work out. You've been very inflexible and unreasonable about my actions and my point of view. It hurts that you wont even try to be optimistic. I need to think about whether or not I want you back. I'll talk to you later.' Maybe I haven't stood my ground for fear of losing him...but at this point it looks like I might lose him anyway so why not? I dont know. I'm sick, and sad, and feeling abandoned. I'm not done yet...but obviously if he is, what choice do I have.
Ms. Joolie Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Well I love your attitude about it. It's inspiring and beautiful. When I read that you want him "in your life", and that you're "not done yet"... I really feel the emotion behind that, and the love you have for him. He should be more open to sharing what he's going through with you. I hope you can let him know how this is hurting you. I hope that things will clear up for you and next week will be better than this one. I'm really sorry that you are hurting right now. Who knows what's around the corner... even ten years from now. But you know what? I think if you just keep fighting for what you love, and for your happiness, and the happiness of those around you, you'll be all right. Best wishes.
Author KSSDallas Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Thank you Ms. Joolie. I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement! He just finished texting me. It doesn't look good. He said 'We need to talk. I can't do this anymore.' it got a bit heated after that because when I asked what he suggested (meaning as to when and where to talk) he said 'that we don't see each other anymore). To which I replied 'We do need to talk...and honestly I deserve to see you face to face. I have been very patient. Breaking up with a woman you have loved via text is cruel.' then he said 'I JUST said we need to talk and don't worry, you won't have to be patient with me..and dont tell me about cruel.' then I said 'Why are you so angry with me? This whole time I've been trying to see things from your perspective and give you the space and time you need." then he said 'Nevermind, writing you was a bad idea. I'll just call you later this week and follow your format." and I said "What, What format?" and he said "Nevermind, I'll call you later this week." and I said "I'm not the enemy. It makes me really sad that you seem to think that I am." Then he said "I have no reply. I don't know what you're talking about. Seriously. I'll call you later this week. Sorry to bother you...another stupid move on my part." then I said "You're not stupid!!!" then he said "I'll call you this week. Goodbye for now. I guess plan on meeting me somewhere soon." then I said 'Okay. Talk to you soon.' I guess it really is over...just like that.
Author KSSDallas Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 We're officially breaking up tonight at 7:30. We're meeting at a Starbucks. I'm terrified and feel so sad. I know I can't let him see me sweat...but I have a really really hard time with negative confrontation. Any advice...or last minute shreds of hope??? Thanks!
Author KSSDallas Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 So...we didn't break up. We didn't even meet. He texted me right after work and asked if we could postpone the meeting til the weekend. I agreed and said that I was busy on Saturday...he was too, and he said 'maybe Sunday'. I said ok. Then he starts texting me all this nice stuff 'Have fun at yoga ' 'How's Elroy (my dog who was sick last week' and other inside stuff. Then, Sunday came and he didn't even contact me! I broke down and texted him today and asked if he had tried to contact me and he said 'No. I didn't'. I get the impression that he's just gonna walk away. How do you do that to someone??
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