Odetta Dean Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Mine were right. But I think the more i let on that i was suspicious, the more sneakier he became. From what i learned, he's getting his sex on the side at work, he doesn't have any friends, so he can't do it at night. He really wouldn't even be able to think of an excuse that wouldn't leave him looking completley guilty. The computer is his worst enemy. He isn't computer savie in the least. I am, and he's ALWAYS got caught through that. Whether it was constant contact throughout the hellish 5 years with his ex, or his recent attempts to cheat. The computer has always let him down. Let the dust settle, and then do some looking around. I'd wait awhile first though, because if he is then I guarantee that he put a pause on his affairs for now until this quiet down with you and him.
Sparta8 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 My wife has suspected and accused me, off and on during our 25 years of marriage, that I was having an affair. She has always been wrong. I never suspected that she had an affair. I was wrong too. She had two.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 in my A as the wife became more suspicious we became more savy. we were quite good at it. even planting bits of "fake" evidence that would lead us to appear like just good friends. every time we changed and evolved but still continued what we were doing.
2sunny Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 so put a voice activated recorder in his office or car or pocket of his jacket. they look like a lighter or a pen. also put a keylogger on the computer. if my H was getting up early to check the email before work (and this was "new" behavior) i'd be wanting to know what he was so anxious to check... if i had access to his email - i'd be getting up earlier than him to check it out before he signed on. when someone constantly wipes out the history - they must be trying to cover up "something."
2sure Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 A person bound and determined on cheating is going to cheat. Hiding it from you may in fact be part of the pleasure of the affair. Having a secret and being able to keep it. If he tells you , here are all my passwords and doesnt change them, if he hands over his cell phone records every month...but you still know... He has a secret phone. A track phone. No bill. Pay as you go. Count on it.
Devil Inside Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 A person bound and determined on cheating is going to cheat. Hiding it from you may in fact be part of the pleasure of the affair. Having a secret and being able to keep it. If he tells you , here are all my passwords and doesnt change them, if he hands over his cell phone records every month...but you still know... He has a secret phone. A track phone. No bill. Pay as you go. Count on it. When I had my A...I did.
tami-chan Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Have you had ever had that gut feeling...and you were WRONG When I am very "into" the person I am sensitive to the subtle changes, and I try to understand where it is coming from or where it might lead and I am usually right. But sometimes I want to be proven wrong just because being right sometimes hurts.
aeh Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 My H did all of his correspondence with his OW through his work cell phone and work email/office phone. I guess there is no way to get any of those records?? It is frustrating to me because he has always checked up on me, calls me a zillion times a day to see what I'm doing, didn't want me going out my girlfriends, and here he was conducting his A with the MOW from work. Of course, he pays the cell phone bill and sees every call I make, checks my personal email but yet he could still be corresponding with his OW through work phone, etc.
Fallen Angel Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 My H did all of his correspondence with his OW through his work cell phone and work email/office phone. I guess there is no way to get any of those records?? It is frustrating to me because he has always checked up on me, calls me a zillion times a day to see what I'm doing, didn't want me going out my girlfriends, and here he was conducting his A with the MOW from work. Of course, he pays the cell phone bill and sees every call I make, checks my personal email but yet he could still be corresponding with his OW through work phone, etc. My MM and I originally started coresponding through his work cell phone. Until his company got upset, then he was paying "our portion" of that bill, til they finally said NO MORE. So he got a track phone. When he got tired of having to run out to buy minutes and couldn't talk to me for hours without having to stop and add more time, he finally started using his personal cell. Keep watching personal cell bill. It will likely eventually creep over.
RedDevil66 Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 This thread makes my stomach turn, because no matter how much my BF swears he's not or has not done anything, I still feel in my gut he has. But him and I were on really bad terms for a long time and he always ALWAYS thought I was cheating or about to leave (leaving yes, cheating NEVER) so I think he was out looking for someone else in case I did leave. I did the keylogger and checked his cell and like I said, didn't find much and when I checked these, he didn't know I was suspicious. The surest way to catch a cheater is to hire a PI. You'll have answers in days!
moaningmyrtle Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 When I had my A...I did. I'm just wondering where the secret phone is kept or hidden so the BS doesn't find it?
Author No first names Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Now I know I have to trust my instincts. Everyone of these scenarios has crossed my mind...including many others. But I do hope this thread has helped someone else see the light. I am so confused at this point. Confronting him without evidence again isn't the answer. He will continue to deny it. I've seriously considered a PI on many occasions, but fear the consequences if I'm wrong. Plus he's probably being very careful right now. He's quite technically adept so I'm sure he would detect a keylogger in a heartbeat. So what to do? I've never felt so powerless! I would also like to know where to look for a hidden cell phone. For months now I've felt like a mad woman hearing a phantom phone vibrating...even ringing on a couple of occasions. But each time I convinced myself I was imagining it. Maybe I just need a good therapist! LOL!!!
Devil Inside Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I'm just wondering where the secret phone is kept or hidden so the BS doesn't find it? I hid mine primarily in two spots. I had a spot in my car that was really hard to find...the other was in my work bag...again in a hard to find spot. During the day I had it on me. If I could talk it was on...if I couldn't it was off and locked. Where are your guys hiding their phones? Well if they are smart it would be somewhere you would never go. Some do the car because that way they can sneak out to the store or something and make the call. Some keep it at work. You never know.
Leelou Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I had that gut feeling when my H was cheating, but he denied it. Later it all came out. So, yes, I was correct about sensing he was cheating and he was. As for my affair, my H never ever suspected me at all. I think he's too arrogant, number one, but also, it is simply so unlike my character that I would have ever cheated on him, so anyone who knows me would not expect it from me (even my shrink was surprised) except for the part where I felt it was unfair what he (my H) was doing. So I did it back to him. Inequity is not a good thing in a marriage. Especially not when it is so very one-sided, and one partner is doing, over and over again, what he should not be doing. Reap what you sow, buster.
Feelinthedark Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Are you in marriage counseling? If so, bring it up and see how he reacts there. I am thinking of pushing some buttons there to see what happens. It is frustrating. I would really like to know how he feels and why he feels the need to lie, among other things.
RedDevil66 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Are you in marriage counseling? If so, bring it up and see how he reacts there. I am thinking of pushing some buttons there to see what happens. It is frustrating. I would really like to know how he feels and why he feels the need to lie, among other things. this is a great suggestion. I went with my BF to couples therapy a few days after I went into his email and found some questionable stuff. It was right at the end of the session and when we left, we fought and he said he never wanted to go back. We never went back, I say because he's guilty, he says it's because he can't trust ME, YES ME, I cause I snooped! Humans are funny creatures! But I agree people tend to feel safe in therapy and may be able to talk easier
Author No first names Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 (edited) MC is a good suggestion, but I really don't think he would open up to a counselor either. I don't know...I guess I have to give it more consideration. What's the consenses out there on MC in my situation? The way I see it if he's crossed a line, then he's lying to himself about it. And if he can't be honest with HIMSELF, how is a counselor going to help? My understanding of the purpose of counseling is to lay all your cards on the table, and take a hard, honest look at yourself. I don't know if he's capable of doing that. I'm so, so confused! Mostly about how I could go from adoring everything about him for all of our married years together, to suddenly suspecting some of the worst character flaws in him imaginable. How is it possible to have two drastically different opinions of the person your supposed to love and honor 'til death do you part? Edited October 16, 2009 by No first names
misternoname Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I also discovered my ex's pay as you go phone she had hidden after she agreed to no contact. Cheaters are very clever but betrayed spouses become very good detectives.
Devil Inside Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 MC is a good suggestion, but I really don't think he would open up to a counselor either. I don't know...I guess I have to give it more consideration. What's the consenses out there on MC in my situation? The way I see it if he's crossed a line, then he's lying to himself about it. And if he can't be honest with HIMSELF, how is a counselor going to help? My understanding of the purpose of counseling is to lay all your cards on the table, and take a hard, honest look at yourself. I don't know if he's capable of doing that. I'm so, so confused! Mostly about how I could go from adoring everything about him for all of our married years together, to suddenly suspecting some of the worst character flaws in him imaginable. How is it possible to have two drastically different opinions of the person your supposed to love and honor 'til death do you part? MC can help. For some it is really hard to lay your cards on the table because of your defenses. MC's can help navigate past them. IF anything...it would help you to feel validated.
NoIDidn't Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I've never had my gut feeling about there being someone else in any relationship be proven wrong. I've suspected that I was the "other" and been right about that too. Trust your instincts - especially when they try to turn it around on you and respond with anger. Just be careful with the snooping. Be sure that any computers you decide to snoop on are legally yours and you have the right to know what information is being transmitted on them. Cheaters have us beat in this area - but there are workarounds. Check out the snooping thread for legal ideas. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
wheelwright Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Just to say I had that gut feeling and was wrong. But I was right in a way - my H had the beginnings of feelings for someone, but didn't pursue. He left it alone. I got the instinct just as clear as if they were lovers though. Horrible not knowing. You have to find out.
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