No first names Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 My H and I are at a stand-off so to speak. I have strong suspicions that he had/is having an affair. I can't prove it, and he vehimently denies it. I refuse to resort to any level of spying on him because I keep thinking...what if I'm wrong? That would be the proverbial final nail in the coffin, and I'm not OK with that. He is already furious with me for accusing him. After 15 years of knowing him, I know he will never admit any wrong doing if he's guilty, not to me, not to himself, and certainly not to a counselor. At this point I feel like I have to go against my instincts for the sake of our family. The problem is I can't. It would help if I knew there were others who found out they were wrong after they had that gut feeling.
2sure Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Urgh. I know its tough. You dont want to be the crazy wife. Have you always been suspicious? Or is this something new? I'll tell you something I learned recently that really surprised me, but if you think about its true - Transparency never hurts a marriage but privacy does. Transparency does not have to be about disrespect or suspicion or accusations. Might as well be honest and tell your H : I am having anxiety for a reason and it would make me feel a lot better at this time if you would be open with me, set my fears at ease. I need you to give me this, and if I'm wrong - which I think I might be - we can move on together in addressing the problem in the marriage that is making me anxious. Any spouse not defending themselves and hiding something should be able to accommodate this.
Thornton Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 The fact that he's furious suggests to me that something is going on. If nothing was going on, he'd be more likely to react to your accusations with genuine bewilderment, and would want to clarify that nothing is going on. If he's furious, he's most likely furious at being caught, and he's refusing to answer your questions because he doesn't want you to know the truth. It's called gaslighting - he's making you feel like it's your fault for accusing him, rather than his fault for making you suspicious. Whenever I've been suspicious of a guy, my suspicions have been correct. Imo, you wouldn't be suspicious if there wasn't something for you to be suspicious about! What you need to decide is whether your suspicions have a reasonable basis, or whether it's just paranoia - if your suspicions have a reasonable basis then I think you're justified in snooping in order to attempt to verify them.
misternoname Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Trust your instincts or at the very least take steps (very discreetly) to prove yourself wrong otherwise these feelings will haunt you for a long long time. IMHO...gut feelings are usually there for a good reason!
whattodonow12 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 A woman's instincts are typically correct. I regret having been involved with a MM myself (but that is another long story in itself). I do know that in my situation, the MM has completely lied to his wife and convinced her that nothing is going on. He actually painted me as the persuer and trying to draw him in...that we were just friends. We are on opposite sides of the country and we have had a EA and a PA (not often due to proximity). But, daily emails/chats/videocams were happening. So, it is very possible. I am sorry that you are having to live with suspicions. I know in my case, he would never admit it....never. He is too afraid of what others will think of him and of losing his 2 children... his home. I have often wondered what is worse.. knowing or not knowing I am so sorry that you have to live with that (not knowing whether it is really true or not). In my case, he was actually in marriage counseling the whole time too. I just think that most of the time that women have great instincts. I know that I do, and that they have turned out to be true the majority of the time (if not all). I hope you find the answers that you need.. Good luck to you.
Fallen Angel Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I was ALWAYS right, he was ALWAYS cheating. *sigh* That is not to say that it is true in your case, it is just that in my experience, when a woman thinks something is going on, it usually is.
Devil Inside Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Urgh. I know its tough. You dont want to be the crazy wife. Have you always been suspicious? Or is this something new? I'll tell you something I learned recently that really surprised me, but if you think about its true - Transparency never hurts a marriage but privacy does. Transparency does not have to be about disrespect or suspicion or accusations. Might as well be honest and tell your H : I am having anxiety for a reason and it would make me feel a lot better at this time if you would be open with me, set my fears at ease. I need you to give me this, and if I'm wrong - which I think I might be - we can move on together in addressing the problem in the marriage that is making me anxious. Any spouse not defending themselves and hiding something should be able to accommodate this. This is great advice. Put in that way he should allow you the access you need to feel secure. Or, if he tries to hide...the answer you are fearing.
RedDevil66 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Both my ex's cheated on me and I suspected both and both times I was right. My current BF I've got the same gut feeling the last few months so I installed keylogger on my pc (he uses my pc when he's at my place) and I got his passwords. I told him before I read his emails I was having a feeling he was talking to other women and he could tell me the truth. He swore on his kids he was NOT talking to anyone. ! Turns out, he was talking to another women for over a month. A little flirting and some cute talk, but nothing serious. He still lied. I went into his FB and email and logged into his "web tracker" which there was 2 yrs of emails, msg'es and web sites he hit and found nothing really. Him signing up to on line dating sites when we broke up etc. I confronted him and he was REALLY defensive. I actually confronted him in couples therapy. He denied he was doing anything, but yet my gut still says he is. IS he? Or am I wrong because my last two ex's did cheat on me and I think all men are cheats? I trusted my BF the 1st 3 yrs were we together and not snooped or questioned him once. He was actually watching Dr Phil with me yesterday, now he's a very quiet guy and was making loud commments at the women on the show who were mistresses and who justified their douchbaggery. My Bf's ex wife of 20 yrs cheated on him for a whole year then left him so he's really against it. BUTTTTTTTTTTT, I still have my gut screaming he may be lying!
seibert253 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 my gut feeling was always correct... Second that. BTW, I made the mistake of confronting w/o evidence, and my W lied, lied, then lied some more. Got mad, blamed every ill in the world on me, I didn't trust her, yada, yada. On the second confrontation that all went up in smoke, when I threw the emails and photos in her face. Bottom line, if there's no there, there, your H should welcome transparency. A couple of years prior to my W's A, she accused me of having a relationship with a FF. I laughed at her, didn't get mad. I gave her the passwords to my email accounts, told her she could check my cell phone and any time, even told her she could come to my work and check you computer as she wished. Put that dog to rest real quick. It's kind of ironic, because after my initial confrontation with her, she didn't offer the same transparency I did. I asked her about it. She complained that this was a violation of her privacy, Yada, yada. It was then I KNEW something was going on. Bottom line, if you gut is telling you something is not right, it isn't. Investiate, snoop, spy, do whatever you need to do to prove or disprove.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 My AP's wife convinced herself that her gut was wrong for 3 years. Then she found out but only got part of the story, and here she is now still convincing herself that her gut is wrong and he admitted it all. So even if you think youre wrong now, the truth may take a very long time to reveal itself.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 A women's instincts are typically correct? What kind of crap is that? Completely unprovable to anyone but yourself. Most suspicions are based on some type of behavior change, so you could chalk it up as observations of your spouses behavior, but not instincts. We humans have very few.
2sunny Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 A women's instincts are typically correct? What kind of crap is that? Completely unprovable to anyone but yourself. Most suspicions are based on some type of behavior change, so you could chalk it up as observations of your spouses behavior, but not instincts. We humans have very few. My AP's wife convinced herself that her gut was wrong for 3 years. Then she found out but only got part of the story, and here she is now still convincing herself that her gut is wrong and he admitted it all. So even if you think youre wrong now, the truth may take a very long time to reveal itself. JJ - at times behavior changes... but i tend to work from a person's energy they give off and body language... a truer reading. brown eyes - this is often referred to as denial... it serves a purpose for a woman in his W position - it allows her to stay married to him without acknowledging the truth - which - IF she were to acknowledge the truth of her situation - she may have to actually DO something about the M... denial is a very precarious place to be...
whattodonow12 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 JJ, I do see your point. My statement was completely based upon my personal experiences and those women around me. Usually it is sparked by some change in behavior, no matter how subtle.... call it women's intuition? I am not sure. But, I do agree with what you have to say.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 2sunny - Precarious: what a great choice of words. Precarious affording no ease or reassurance; "a precarious truce" parlous: fraught with danger; "dangerous waters"; "a parlous journey on stormy seas"; "a perilous voyage across the Atlantic in a small boat"; "the precarious life of an undersea diver"; "dangerous surgery followed by a touch-and-go recovery" not secure; beset with difficulties; "a shaky marriage"
jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I am having the same problem right now. I thought to myself if nothing is going on then he should be more than willing to show me, but he didn't. Told me he has been giving me what I want for years and for right now he wasn't going to try and prove something he has already explained. Actions speak louder than words, remember that. I want to tell myself every day nothing is going on and that he is telling me the truth, but we have two children together and IMO he probably doesn't want to tell me so that when things fall apart with this other girl he can come back to his family. I think it is just an EA but who realy knows, only him. The real question you need to ask yourself: Is he worth going through all this uncertainty for? It's hard feeling like you're being taken for a ride, but only you can put an end to it. Only you can tell him enough is enough. You can run the risk of snooping, just be prepared to deal with whatever information you find OR don't!! Either way this situation is hurting your relationship !! Hope you find whatever it is you are searching for
2sunny Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 2sunny - Precarious: what a great choice of words. Precarious affording no ease or reassurance; "a precarious truce" parlous: fraught with danger; "dangerous waters"; "a parlous journey on stormy seas"; "a perilous voyage across the Atlantic in a small boat"; "the precarious life of an undersea diver"; "dangerous surgery followed by a touch-and-go recovery" not secure; beset with difficulties; "a shaky marriage" that is what you experience when not accept the reality of a given situation...
Author No first names Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 I've been dealing with these feelings for months now...the feeling that he was hiding something. I can't pin-point the exact moment I realized the "something" was an affair, but it's been well over six months. I have checked the usual places, cell phone records, computer, and bank statements, but when I didn't find any undeniable proof I had to stop before insanity set in. In the last month, he has told me to let him know what I need access to to put my fears to rest, but I don't know where else to look. H is as sharp as they come. He wouldn't leave a paper trail, and he deletes browsing history. It was definately a change in behavior that started me down this path, but he denies that too. Doubts and suspicions aside, we have an amazing relationship. The one that all of our friends and family envy. What I don't know is if it's real, or if its all a lie! My gut is telling me the latter, but it's not enough for me to break-up our family. I really hoped there would be more stories of spouses who found out their gut was wrong in the end. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I know I have to let it go. Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts on my situation. Wish me luck!
Lizzie60 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 My 'little voice' is always right... trust your gut feeling.. if you have suspicions.. there is a reason why... and that reason is probably what you fear most.. but don't let it consumes you... Good luck..
1Angel Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 You said you've looked and found nothing while not 100% foolproof, it says a lot. So from here try to let it go.
scatterd Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I am thinking the same thing about my husband.He said he is not seeing someone but why would he tell me.I have not said anything else because I think hes being careful right now.He still is coming home late and is on the computer for a couple of hours everynight,He started checking his mail before he gos to work.My eyes are wide open but I hurt really bad.
FreezorBurn Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 My gut feeling about this subject has NEVER been wrong.
Feelinthedark Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 As you can tell from my name, I feel in the dark too. My H is very saavy. We have a great relationship as well aside from the doubts and suspicions. Now that my suspicions are out in the open, he is on the complete straight and narrow. So, I am not sure that I will ever get the proof that I need. He deletes browsing history and uses his computer at work the majority of the time. But, I still feel as if something isn't right. I think it is a lie too and that is just afraid of losing everything.
scatterd Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 My husband started showering before and after work he hated going to the store now he goes alot he comes home late,cut his hair tons of things I want to know but im like you how?He was so defensive before I said I was wondering if he cheated.I am having a hard time feeling normal around him.In all the years we have been together I never did not trust him just the past couple of months.He put everything back on me.I am hoping I am wrong.I know something has changed though its hard to deal with.
Devil Inside Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 To answer the original question...anytime I suspected a GF or the W of cheating...I was right. Maybe it is because I cheated..and I pick up on the vibe. Maybe because I read people's emotions for a living...but either way...if I have a gut feel...I usually follow it and try to back it up with info..and it is always right.
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