rozziebaby Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) I have been married for 6 years. My husband goes out everynight. He takes care of home and me, and believes that this is what is most important. We rarely do anything together unless it is some party or event of his choice. We have no common interests. He goes to many after hour clubs and comes in at 5 sometimes 6 in the morning, i know he is at the clubs because he says I can come anytime I want and I have before, but its not my thing. I met someone else, a younger guy. Sexually he satisfies me completely, financially he cannot provide what my husband does. We have a great time together, and I have fallen in love with him and he with me. He tries to be understanding of my marriage and respectful, but its getting harder and harder for me to want to go home at night. Recently we got an apartment together and I have keys, but I am afraid I am going to lose him and I have become very jealous. My husband hasn't stopped going out, but has taken interest in what I am doing with my free time now. I am no longer attracted to my husband physically, or sexually, but mentally I still care for him and he for me. He did admit he had sex with someone else, but blames me for lack of sex in our relationship. If I go with my boyfriend, I am unsure of my future, If i stay with my husband my future is financially secure, but I will be unhappy. What should I do? Edited October 13, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
allhopelost Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Married women should not have "boyfriends" - period. Grow up and leave. If you stay only for the money - I believe they have a name for that... Sorry to be so blunt - but as a recently betrayed spouse, I don't really care.
boldjack Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 AHL, It's good to see you taking an interest in things. You are definitely doing better.!!:) OP, you are a cheater, you need to tell your H about it and see if he still wants you, or go with your younger man and take your chances. Try to act like an adult. If you stay just for the money, you know what you are.
bentnotbroken Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I have been married for 6 years. My husband goes out everynight. He takes care of home and me, and believes that this is what is most important. We rarely do anything together unless it is some party or event of his choice. We have no common interests. He goes to many after hour clubs and comes in at 5 sometimes 6 in the morning, i know he is at the clubs because he says I can come anytime I want and I have before, but its not my thing. I met someone else, a younger guy. Sexually he satisfies me completely, financially he cannot provide what my husband does. We have a great time together, and I have fallen in love with him and he with me. He tries to be understanding of my marriage and respectful, but its getting harder and harder for me to want to go home at night. Recently we got an apartment together and I have keys, but I am afraid I am going to lose him and I have become very jealous. My husband hasnt stopped going out, but has taken interest in what I am doing with my free time now. I am no longer attracted to my husband physically, or sexually, but mentally I still care for him and he for me. He did admit he had sex with someone else, but blames me for lack of sex in our relationship. If I go with my boyfriend, I am unsure of my future, If i stay with my husband my future is financially secure, but I will be unhappy. What should I do? Grow a pair, either man up and work on your marriage or leave and take care of yourself financially. If you are big enough girl to cheat, then you should be big enough to take care of your other needs, financial needs included.
MistyK Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 RB, You and your H are both cheating on each other. You don't have a marriage. I think it's time to face the writing on the wall here. Money isn't an excuse to use someone (your H). If you lack your own financial independence, go get it - you shouldn't be relying upon either of these guys to take care of you.
NowhereToHide Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 You both have cheated. You never spend time with each other. He is out almost every night without you doing God knows what. You have an apartment with another man who you say you love. Are you kidding me? Can it really worth staying in the marriage just for the money?
boldjack Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 NWH, I dunno, there are posters, who have done the same thing, for years.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Married women should not have "boyfriends" - period. Grow up and leave. If you stay only for the money - I believe they have a name for that... Sorry to be so blunt - but as a recently betrayed spouse, I don't really care. Great to see you show some backbone!
Author rozziebaby Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 I have been married for 6 years. My husband goes out everynight. He takes care of home and me, and believes that this is his sole responsibility as a husband and what is most important. I work and have recently started my own party planning business. In the beginning we did everything together now we rarely do anything together unless it is some party or event of his choice. We seem to no longer have any common interests. He goes to many after hour clubs and comes in at 5 sometimes 6 in the morning, I have begged him to stop, to go to counseling, to stay home with me, I have cried many nights and spent many lonely holidays alone. He invites me to come, "follow behind him if I want" but its not my thing to do that. I had a surgery about a year ago to currect a problem that would enable me to possibly have children, as a result, I have been reduced to only having children through IVF. Initially we were seeing a doctor to go through with the procedure, but now, it seems my husband has lost interest. He was against it from the beginning, he said it wasnt natural, but it was my only chance. Now that I am approaching my 40s my chances are diminishing. In bed one night he even told me he planned to have a child and bring it home for me to raise, at the time I thought this was some kind of joke, but now???? It appears that he blames me for my sterility and has said things like "There is nothing wrong with me" " I can have 50 children", "Its not my fault", "I didn't do it to you". These words cut through me when I hear them and the pain is inconceivable. I dont have many friends, and many times he tells me thats not his fault either. He sometimes just gives me money to do things on my own, or find a friend to go with me he says. My best friend is a 75 year old woman, who I play bingo with. Well I met someone else, a younger man. He and I connected. We are able to talk about everything. He listens and understands me and my pain. His only downfall is his financial status is not stable, financially he is cannot provide the same stability as my husband does. Now please dont label me, because I have gone through a great deal with my husband and for him to put him where he is today, and frankly find it quite difficult to just walk away from . However I find myself falling in love with this younger man and he with me. He tries to be understanding of my marriage and respectful, but its getting harder for both of us. I constantly battle with my infedility and what should I do. Recently my friend got an apartment and I have keys, but I am afraid I am going to lose him if I dont make a decision. My husband hasnt stopped going out, but has taken interest in what I am doing with my free time now. I have not been attracted to my husband physically, or sexually for quite some time, and this did not seem to bother him. He sometimes comes home in the wee hours of the morning, badgering me for "Service" as he puts it. He says its my duty to "service" him. This is not normal is it? It seems so cruel to say that to your wife. However in some weird way I still care for him and he for me. He recently did admit he had sex with someone else, but blames me for lack of sex in our relationship. I dont know if this was a test to see how I would feel, or if he was being honest. If I go with the other man and leave my husband, I will be starting all over again and am unsure of what the future will bring... If i stay with my husband, well I have a future to look forward to, much like the past 4 years. As long as I cook, clean, wash and service him, he will continue to take care of home. What would you do????
Author rozziebaby Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 You misunderstand I think. Things did not start out this way. I did not find out about my infertility until about 2 years after we were married. It was then that my husband started changing. I have been trying to work on this marriage even before then, but I now feel as if I was the only one trying to fix it.
carhill Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 How about divorcing your husband, establishing a healthy relationship with your other man and building a family with him? Unless you have a prenup you will likely get a substantial settlement and perhaps alimony, so finances should not be an issue. Then there's gainful employment. No worries. Shouldn't take more than a year. Get started today
misternoname Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Your frustrations with your H are completely understandable and valid however your solution is inappropriate at best. Engaging in a full blown affair isn't fixing anything. On the contrary, it's only exacerbating your problems. Your marriage appears virtually unfixable...your husband is carrying on like a single man and you in turn are doing the same. Your only hope of reconnecting is SERIOUS counselling and a ceasation of ALL nonsense (on both accounts). Unless both of you are 100% committed to that scenario I think you're wasting your time. I'm willing to guess your H has no interest in doing such. As far as being "in love" with the younger dude, please consider the circumstances. It's nothing but a fantasy. He makes you feel alive again, wanted, attractive, etc. but what if you had met him as a single, available woman? Would he be in the same place? I venture to say no. Most likely he's enjoying a carefree sexual relationship with someone that provides exactly what he's looking for at this point in his life...sex without committment. Ask yourself this...if he REALLY was looking for a serious relationship would he be engaged in a relationship with a married woman? I know my post may seem harsh but from a disinterested third party it all seems crystal clear. Your best bet is to get out of your sham of a marriage, do some introspective thinking about what you really want in life and move on with an appropriate mate. A philandering, partying husband and a younger "boy toy" are both wrong on many levels. Time to think with your head and not your heart. Good luck.
misternoname Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Keep in mind that most of us on this form have either cheated or been cheated on (I'm the latter). We bring a different perspective than those suffering through it presently. I'm sure my fellow posters will agree that time makes things appear much more clearer. Like yourself, I started posting a couple of years ago in the midst of the discovery of my wife's affair. I ignored a lot of the advice...treating it as tripe from bitter people. Presently I now see the validity of the advice I was getting (and unfortunately ignoring). My way of showing appreciation is to share my thoughts post D day and try and pursuade folks in pain to listen...it may not all be exactly correct but there is a lot of wisdom being shared. I hope you take their (and my) words to heart.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 If I go with my boyfriend, I am unsure of my future, If i stay with my husband my future is financially secure, but I will be unhappy. What should I do? you should get a divorce and go with the other guy. You both cheated in your marriage, therefore it isn't a marriage. so divorce and move in with young guy.
Author rozziebaby Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 You are right in soo many ways........ Yet I still feel that you may be a little off track with the other man. Its not sooo carefree as you say. We are together everyday and night. In fact I sometimes feel he is more committed to this than I am or can be. And thats what makes me crazy. It is like I am the woman he has been waiting for, and he tells me quite often that he realizes and accepts what he has gotten himself into, but is willing to wait, because its worth it. I believe its a bit more than a fling, although I wish it were not. Something he has done that I know for a fact, is not in the pattern of a fling, is that he has introduced me to his mother. Which she so bluntly put, is not something she condones from her sons, unless the person they are bringing home is someone they wish to marry.
bentnotbroken Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 No matter how many explanations you bring to the board, the end is still the same....leave and take care of yourself financially.
Lizzie60 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 My advice... I don't know your whole story... but.. since there is no children involved and you are very unhappy with your husband.. you should divorce and start fresh with this young guy... I know I would.. If you stay in this M.... you will never be happy... I can understand the financial part.. it's not that easy... but methink,.. in your case.. it's much better to have a little bit less money but to be free to love the man you'd want to spend many years with... Good luck...
seibert253 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 You've cheated, your husband has cheated, you both are miserable in your marriage. It's really simple. D you husband so you can live you live with your OM. There, done.
boldjack Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Whatever you do, OP whether you get a d or not, you shouldn't come here and try to bu**sh*t us. You said that you were the only one working on the marriage. HOW? By screwing a younger guy. Yeah, that really shows how much you care, don't it. Another poster told you that most people have either been the cheater or cheated on, I was a serial cheater, and have heard all the excuses. So just tell us the truth, and you will get a more positive response.
Author rozziebaby Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Look, I have read the responses, and I appreciate the honesty. I tried for many years to make this work, I still try. I did not just go out and start screwing around with another man. I was lonely, and this person found me. It took time to develop the friendship and bond. So for those of you out there thinking this was a solution to my problem, no it wasnt, no it isnt, its just introducing a new problem. Am I wrong for allowing someone to love me, to spend time with me, to give me attention??? If my cheating husband would have listened or paid attention, this would not have happened. Is that honest enough for you?
Author rozziebaby Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 My husband came home early last night, 3:30 am (lol) I was up, I had cooked dinner for him and could not sleep, so I was downstairs watching a movie, we talked for a bit, lil ol me still trying to communicate and fix the problem. I am torn between these two men. And money has nothing to do with it. My husband never had to take care of me, He chose to. I guess its part of his culture. He is from Jamaica. Before he had money to take care of me, I took care of him. I moved him in with me and helped him with his education, and to start his business. I helped to send money back home to his kids and mother. I am not the gold digger here!!! Honestly I invested quite a bit into this whole thing because I saw where I was needed and filled in. I believe thats what has happened. There is no need for me anymore. I cannot have children naturally, and there is no need for me anymore. Perhaps he feels he has paid me back and the only thing holding us together is that he feel obligated to complete some duty to me. I wish he would just open up and be honest, it would help us decide whats best for us.
Author rozziebaby Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 These are two different relationships. perhaps i should open another thread about my younger man?? He has issues as well. We have issues as well should I say. I have never caught my husband cheating, but the feeling has been there. Thats why when he told me he slept with someone else, I just felt he was saying it to get a reaction from me. Women have this thing called intuition. And mine was not saying he cheated. It was saying he blames me for not being able to have kids. He resents me and this is him punishing me. Its saying he is unhappy at home, and finds happiness while out with his friends, or at the bar.
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