Flavour Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I am going to meet him on the 30th of October. But I am so sad now. It is not the first time this happens. Every time I show him how much I love him and I need him, every time I write a particularly warm email or do a warm phone call.....he seems to withdraw. You would expect your SO to be pleased if you show them your love. I have tried to think of many things: different cultures, very different ages..maybe he is feeling nostalgic or having issues of his own...I have tried to clarify but he says it is always in my mind. Uhm....it's always in my mind? I know it is not. You know that nagging feeling? Maybe I don't want to admit, even with myself, that I chose the wrong guy another time. I am so sad I cannot tell. I wonder if it is the case to go on that airplane. If it will be worse. I don't know what to do. I want to stop any contact...now. I am so hurt. Why not being clear? Why?
Rollercoasterr Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Sweetie, maybe you're having this nagging feeling for a reason. Deep down inside you know something isn't right. If you feel like you want to stop contact, then stop it. No one knows better than yourself in a situation like this. People just don't want to up and stop contact for no reason. Whatever you decide, we'll all be here.
hoping2heal Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I am going to meet him on the 30th of October. But I am so sad now. It is not the first time this happens. Every time I show him how much I love him and I need him, every time I write a particularly warm email or do a warm phone call.....he seems to withdraw. You would expect your SO to be pleased if you show them your love. I have tried to think of many things: different cultures, very different ages..maybe he is feeling nostalgic or having issues of his own...I have tried to clarify but he says it is always in my mind. Uhm....it's always in my mind? I know it is not. You know that nagging feeling? Maybe I don't want to admit, even with myself, that I chose the wrong guy another time. I am so sad I cannot tell. I wonder if it is the case to go on that airplane. If it will be worse. I don't know what to do. I want to stop any contact...now. I am so hurt. Why not being clear? Why? Flavour is this the same man that told you he was a man and could not be held responsible if he were unfaithful because another woman pushed herself on him? If so, I can understand exactly why you're having that feeling and I think meeting forces you to confront what you know deep down is what you need to do. If this is someone else, then listen to that nagging feeling.
TaraMaiden Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Flavour....interesting signature..... ever thought of following your own advice? Italy is the Land of romance. Shakespeare set the greatest Love story ever told, In Italy. France is not the place of Love, Italy is. Romeo and Juliet will attest to that. Italy is the Land of passion. Look at Dante, look at the Arts - Lock at the Godfather..... Italians live life to extremes. It's all or nothing. It's either loud or quiet. Italians are driven by sunshine, good food, comfortable living, fast cars, style, glamour..... the very country itself is shaped like a thigh-length stiletto boot.... how much sexier can you get? Find a man who can come up to your expectations. This one sounds like a damp flannel you found behind the lavatory. Suvvia bella - vivi la tua vita - non ci sarà un altra, sai!
Author Flavour Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Sweetie, maybe you're having this nagging feeling for a reason. Deep down inside you know something isn't right. If you feel like you want to stop contact, then stop it. No one knows better than yourself in a situation like this. People just don't want to up and stop contact for no reason. Whatever you decide, we'll all be here. Thank you dear Rolercoasterr. Yes I know something is not right but I cannot exactly pinpoint what. The distance is really a BIG distance and I understand it can create a lot of misunderstandings. He has apologized one million times, he says that it is not absolutely true that he is distant, that he has been quite clear and solid with meThis is true, he was the one to propose plans for the future, he is arranging our future life together and this meeting is to discuss the details. He was the one to talk about marriage, in this meeting I will meet his parents, his eldest son and his family and on Christmas he is here to meet my family. He is not a romantic type maybe, maybe he is just different from me in the way he expresses feelings.....but why do I feel in this way then? I mean, I am VERY perplexed. When I expect a kind of reaction I get one completely different, it is weird. Maybe also I am very suspicious because of my past experiences, or that I just feel unsecure, I don't know. He is begging me to stop with insecurities because he cannot take this rollercoaster of emotions. He? I think that age has a big impact on that. I mean, we are 15 hours of flight away so of course we cannot talk by phone every day, maybe twice a week or so. So I expected he would have relied on emails on MSN and Skype. But it has been a nightmare, as he is not so computer oriented ( my God he is 60. I mean a very good looking 60 yrs old, but.....60 yrs old.) I suppose he has not been able to fix the microphone ( oh I know that's hysterical) but please call a technician and fix Skype! I did not tell him because ....because I thought that HE should think about that, and he did not, and somehow I resented him for it. I love writing and he is not very much on it too. But I know that when we are together he is able to make me feel at the top of the world. Oh, I don't know.....I just hope I find out when I see him.
Author Flavour Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Flavour is this the same man that told you he was a man and could not be held responsible if he were unfaithful because another woman pushed herself on him? If so, I can understand exactly why you're having that feeling and I think meeting forces you to confront what you know deep down is what you need to do. If this is someone else, then listen to that nagging feeling. Yes hoping2heal, he is the same man. He has apologized with one thousands emails so I had to forgive him. Probably he just wrote something stupid. But also in that case, OMG why don't you keep your mouth shut? I have to go and I have to see clearly who is this man. And I would like to know what exactly I should pay attention to...
Author Flavour Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Flavour....interesting signature..... ever thought of following your own advice? Italy is the Land of romance. Shakespeare set the greatest Love story ever told, In Italy. France is not the place of Love, Italy is. Romeo and Juliet will attest to that. Italy is the Land of passion. Look at Dante, look at the Arts - Lock at the Godfather..... Italians live life to extremes. It's all or nothing. It's either loud or quiet. Italians are driven by sunshine, good food, comfortable living, fast cars, style, glamour..... the very country itself is shaped like a thigh-length stiletto boot.... how much sexier can you get? Find a man who can come up to your expectations. This one sounds like a damp flannel you found behind the lavatory. Suvvia bella - vivi la tua vita - non ci sarà un altra, sai! Tara, please don't come to Italy or you are going to get very disappointed :-) I am living my life and I try to live it at best. I am really in love with this man. I just seem unable to understand what exactly is wrong here. please keep your fingers crossed for me until I find out
hoping2heal Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Yes hoping2heal, he is the same man. He has apologized with one thousands emails so I had to forgive him. Probably he just wrote something stupid. But also in that case, OMG why don't you keep your mouth shut? I have to go and I have to see clearly who is this man. And I would like to know what exactly I should pay attention to... He wrote you 1,000 apologies so you have to forgive someone who told you they are going to be unfaithful to you? Ok. No one is telling you not to go, they were suggesting there is a reason why you have those nagging feelings.
Author Flavour Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 No, I am not going to forgive unfaithfulness, not at all. He told me that it was a stupid statement, that he was not thinking, that it was just a stupid macho thing to say, that I have to understand that sometimes he too feels unsecure about his age and so he tries to reassure himself even if in stupid ways. I can understand that. Or I can try to.
AnnPod Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Leaving aside all those issues about (un)faithfulness etc.: Maybe he is just not this kind of person who responds to "warm emails" and so on, maybe he doesn't care, doesn't understand, and doesn't wanna hear. Yes, this exists, and doesn't necessarily have to mean he doesn't love you. And according to my experience, people don't change the way they are. So maybe you imagine him to be someone different, who gives you the warmth you need, but he in fact might not be the person to do so. So ask yourself: Do you want to be with someone like that? Are there other things about him you like so much that you can cope with that?
TaraMaiden Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Tara, please don't come to Italy or you are going to get very disappointed :-) Unavoidable. I have family in Piemonte and in Umbria. Italy is my heart, and I love it. I am living my life and I try to live it at best. I am really in love with this man. I just seem unable to understand what exactly is wrong here. please keep your fingers crossed for me until I find out I'll tell you what is wrong here. you love too much, in an effort to compensate for the fact that he loves you too little. he cannot love you the way you want, so you have a choice: Either to come to terms with this fact, and stay with him, despite the 'deficit'. Or, abandon this heart-aching existence, and live for yourself, entirely. Then, someone who can love you to their fullest, will surely appear.
Els Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 What I usually do (God, I've been through so many LDRs it isn't even funny) if a visit is coming up, is just wait and see for a bit. Sometimes, people are just horrible at distance for various reasons (bad with words, inane phobia of phones or video calls, adopting the mentality of 'we can't do anything so far away so let's just immerse ourselves in our own lives and keep in touch like once a week', stuff like that), but they are really great bfs/gfs who could turn into great lifetime partners if the distance wasn't there. While I have my suspicions about your guy (your other post left me seething at him), you know him better than us, and everything that we say is based upon your words, which may or may not misrepresent him. Add that to the fact that his true self is already being misrepresented by distance, and we have a very... convoluted picture. So, just wait and see what happens when you see him on the 30th before you decide, is my advice. 2 extra weeks can't hurt unless he's being evidently abusive, which he isn't really. Then you can refresh yourself on how he is in real life, and make your decisions with that in mind.
Author Flavour Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Leaving aside all those issues about (un)faithfulness etc.: Maybe he is just not this kind of person who responds to "warm emails" and so on, maybe he doesn't care, doesn't understand, and doesn't wanna hear. Yes, this exists, and doesn't necessarily have to mean he doesn't love you. And according to my experience, people don't change the way they are. So maybe you imagine him to be someone different, who gives you the warmth you need, but he in fact might not be the person to do so. So ask yourself: Do you want to be with someone like that? Are there other things about him you like so much that you can cope with that? Ann, I can tell you that when we are near he is PERFECTLY capable to make me feel ALL the warmth I need, more than anyone else, is like a wave, is like a sparkle, is something that make me feel completely loved and protected and cared for......it is just this horrible distance! I hate it!
Author Flavour Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Unavoidable. I have family in Piemonte and in Umbria. Italy is my heart, and I love it. I'll tell you what is wrong here. you love too much, in an effort to compensate for the fact that he loves you too little. he cannot love you the way you want, so you have a choice: Either to come to terms with this fact, and stay with him, despite the 'deficit'. Or, abandon this heart-aching existence, and live for yourself, entirely. Then, someone who can love you to their fullest, will surely appear. I do not think he loves too little. He is planning our marriage it ivolves a major cahngement for him too, a home move, a lot of money, and introducing something really, really new in an already established life, in the life of his children, and he is not so young. OMG you have family in Umbria and Piemonte and you think that of Italians? What would you do if you go a bit south? It would drive you crazy;)
Author Flavour Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 What I usually do (God, I've been through so many LDRs it isn't even funny) if a visit is coming up, is just wait and see for a bit. Sometimes, people are just horrible at distance for various reasons (bad with words, inane phobia of phones or video calls, adopting the mentality of 'we can't do anything so far away so let's just immerse ourselves in our own lives and keep in touch like once a week', stuff like that), but they are really great bfs/gfs who could turn into great lifetime partners if the distance wasn't there. While I have my suspicions about your guy (your other post left me seething at him), you know him better than us, and everything that we say is based upon your words, which may or may not misrepresent him. Add that to the fact that his true self is already being misrepresented by distance, and we have a very... convoluted picture. So, just wait and see what happens when you see him on the 30th before you decide, is my advice. 2 extra weeks can't hurt unless he's being evidently abusive, which he isn't really. Then you can refresh yourself on how he is in real life, and make your decisions with that in mind. Yes I can be misrepresenting him, unaware of course. He jokes really a lot, but believe me, a lot. When I was with him, in the evening my face was HURTING because of all the laughs. This is one of the reasons why I love him. He can say stupid things at times without realizing it. It is the distance, the fact that on emails things are written black on white, and there is no immediate opportunity to clarify, that make them so important and so final. Yes I think he is just horrible at a distance but great when he is near me. He is a wonderful person. He hates computers and hates writing emails and they are short and often they create a lot of trouble. But every time I can hear him on the phone for a while, when we can get really in touch, I can feel his sweetness and his strength and all the other reasons why I love him so much.
AnnPod Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I think I get what you mean Flavour, but just think that it's easy to blame the distance on everything. Someone else here mentioned it before: some people are terrible for LDRs, but good partners for the 'normal', I always feel tempted to say 'real' life. Writing, calling, no sex, no physical contact, no activities and experiences together - is not for everyone to find creative solutions to deal with this, and I wouldn't always say that means they are bad partners in general. But a part of the LDR is the R - means you are together now (!), even though you are apart, and this time is not an endless waiting line, but a part of your relationship, a time that needs to be used together (!) in some way. So I would ask myself, can you stand being like that? Because if he's not good with this, can you stand all the waiting that you do on your own, because he is obviously not that great with comforting you... Well just my thoughts. Some people here previously wrote they are having wonderful marriages with partners that were not that great for distance, so yeah, everything is possible. Just you have to know how far you can go.
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