outdoorx Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I need advice on what to do. I found out my wife of 6 years has had an affair with one of my supposed best friends. I hurt her in the past by not making her a priority. She also caught me looking at pornography on the internet after my daughter was born. We talked about it back then and told her I wouldn't do it again. That was about 6 years ago. It was a difficult time for me and didn't know how to deal with my emotions. A few months ago she was working afternoon turn and I was on days she caught me looking at photos and using a webcam but I hadn't done it since the last time she caught me until that month. In her eyes she saw it as cheating. I was missing something from her but I never meant to hurt her and want to find a way to get her back because I love her very much. Here is the rest of the story. I was gone for a weekend a few weeks ago and came back and she was acting funny. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she couldn't do this anymore that she was leaving and that we should separate. I stayed at the house that night by myself and she and my daughter went to stay at her parents house. The next day she wanted me to leave so that she could come back and stay there with my daughter so that it would be easier for my daughter. I agreed and stayed at my mom's house that night. I went to work the next day and picked my daughter up after work before I stopped to get her I bought some flowers to give to her. We talked for a little bit then I left with my daughter for a while. When I brought my daughter back my wife and I sat down and talked for a while about everything. She said maybe we can work things out and that is when she told me that if we were going to try to work things out that she had something to tell me. That is when she told me about cheating with my friend. She said she wanted to hurt me back for hurting her. She said she doesn't love him but he was able comfort her and give her the things I had been lacking for some time. I told her that I still loved her and still wanted to work things out. She let me sleep on the couch that night. The next day she told her mom on the phone what she had done and her mom came and got her and my daughter. I stayed at my mom's house that night. I told her I wanted to go to counseling. At first she told me to go for myself that she didn't want to go. A few days later her mom and dad told her that we need to work on our marriage. She called me up and told me to go to her parents house so we could sit down and talk. She agreed to go to counseling. She told me to come back to the house so that we could work on our marriage. We went out to eat the next day with my daughter and went to the jewlery store so that I could get my wedding ring sized that I had not wore in a long time in fear of loosing it because I almost did 3 times but luckily found it each time. It was a pretty good day. The next day we took my daughter to a movie. I think I was trying to hard and fast to fix things. About 4 days later she came home and didn't seem to be happy. She asked me what I was trying to prove and that she needed time to be alone and thing. I know she still talks to my friend and told me that she still talks to him. She said that her head says yes to getting back together but her heart says no. We haven't gone to counseling yet but the appointment is in a few days. She said she will still go to counseling so that she can say that she tried everything. I am trying another approach of no contact but it is hard. We still live in our house. I stay in the bedroom and she sleeps downstairs on the couch. Either of us leave so that we are not there for long at the same time. The no contact thing is hard because having a daughter in the mix. I want to show her that I am the man that she fell in love with and want to change myself for the better and be there for her needs. What should I do? I don't want to loose my wife I love her very much. I need to find a way for her to fall in love with all the things that she fell in love with me in the first place. Please help.
2sure Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 The MC will help both of you individually in dealing with your own feelings & behaviors and also with understanding those of your spouse. If the MC doesnt have a direct approach or specific process for dealing with infidelity , then this may not be the MC for you. That being said, the fact that your wife is still having the affair is going to be huge issue.
Author outdoorx Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 She said she still talks to him because he was both of our friend. She says she doesn't love him but has feelings because he was there for her.
Logik Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 It sounds to me like she's only trying to save your marriage because her parents have asked her to do so. It will not work if she doesn't make the decision to do it herself. She also mentioned that she would go to counseling so she can say she tried everything. Counseling won't work if she's only there to exhaust her "trying" options. You said you hurt her by not making her a priority. Start being the husband you wished you were in the past. Don't tell her what you're going to change, rather make the changes. You need to find what the root of the problem is. It'll take a lot of digging and maybe accepting things that you don't want to accept, but until you find the root and remove it, the problem will keep growing back. Good luck. I hope she stays through the process.
lkjh Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 how can she respect you if you don't respect yourself. She cheated and looked for excuses, instead of making her pay for her actions you are chasing after her. Dude, you need to man up
Auroracoladybug Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I think you need to set your limits now...tell her absolutely no contact with him not even as friends...deal with this asap...My H let me be friends with my ex boyfriend that I had admitted to him that things had gone too far with while we were engaged (mind you 3 years before the wedding)...He said he forgave me, but just a couple of months ago that was his basis for leaving me. I wouldn't have married him if I wasn't committed to him and would have done anything to prove it to him. If she is not willing to make changes then she is not yet committed to making the marriage work...I know it can happen and even though I am getting divorced there is still that part of me who believes that we are meant to be together and will come back once we have grown individually and want that commitment I feel that I am proof taht the line "once a cheater always a cheater" is bull.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 You need to tell her him or me, there's no halfway in. No matter what you did, an affair is all hers to own. and to have done it and still be doing it while in your prescence baffles and enrages me. You need to man up, kick his ass, expose the affair and file for divorce. Why are you taking this laying down, reading what you wrote your blaiming yourself. Stop! until the affair truly over you will NEVER fix your marriage! She should stop or leave, those are the only two options choose one. You should not tolerate what she's doing just because you love her. Porn or no porn. You didnt F someone outside of your marriage. She did this to hurt you, realize that! Vindictive bitch... Why the friend!?? WTF?
FredMerc Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 One of the things I learned real fast in my situation is: In a long-term relationship if you are looking for reasons to leave; you can find them. If you are looking for reasons to stay; you can find them. No one is perfect. No relationship is without flaw. Not always making her a priority and looking at porn is not an excuse for her to cheat on you (with a friend of yours!!!). The two of you should have worked on the issues together, and if it didn't work and she couldn't stay: then you divorce. There is no excuse for what she has done. I am sure she has flaws. Can you imagine using one of them to justify screwing one of her friends and leaving her? I doubt it.
thelostsoul89 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 So, basically at the start of the relationship you were caught watching porn and not making her #1 priority. I really don't understand why watching porn is such a big deal to some women. You watching porn is not cheating. Her saying that you watching porn and not making her a priority is no excuse for her to cheat, especially with a "friend" The fact that she is still "talking" to the guy she CHEATED on you with just proves that she really has no intrest in saving the marrige. You need to set boundries with her, tell her she is to end all communication with the other guy. And I find it really odd that shes making you leave your house and sleep on the couch because of something that she did. She should be the one sleeping on the dam couch. Really though you need to man up, stop chasing her around like a little lost puppy dog. Stop letting her walk all over you.
boldjack Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Dude, She's the one who cheated and YOU'RE the one apologizing?? WTF? Just because of looking at Porn? Get real, she was looking for an excuse to f**k your "friend", pure and simple. BTW you still call him friend? You need to grow some, and take control of your life. Stop being weak and man-up. Don't ask or beg, TELL her how it's going to be, then do it.
Author outdoorx Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 One of the worst things is that I work with this ex friend and we are basically back to back I could turn around and reach out and touch him. He works that close to me. I wish I could think of something to play mind games with him. I don't see how the affair is going to turn out to be anything more. How is he going to trust her for doing what she did while we are still married and on the other hand maybe she will think the same things later about him because he gave in.
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