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Discovered that my "hubby" is posting ads on a craigslist-esque site for gay sex

Odetta Dean

By Odetta Dean
in Infidelity

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RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

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She can't do that exactly. The lease is in her name. She just needs to get him out of there. If it takes the police to do it, then so be it...

 

She can leave and find a safe place to live, have him evicted from the home and then go back when he's gone.

He's not going to leave quietly. Besides, she's going to have to find a new place to live because he sounds like a nut!

 

Leave, tell the landlord you need to leave, sublet your place and find a new place

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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She can leave and find a safe place to live, have him evicted from the home and then go back when he's gone.

He's not going to leave quietly. Besides, she's going to have to find a new place to live because he sounds like a nut!

 

Leave, tell the landlord you need to leave, sublet your place and find a new place

 

Those are really good suggestions. And, yes, he is a nut. The problem is, she has a child with him. This is where it gets complicated. That's why she needs to talk to an attorney. But, in the short-term, which is of the most immediate importance, your suggestion to leave is a good one.

Thornton Established Member

Thornton

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You need to print out all of those emails and keep them, because they provide very strong evidence of him being an unfit parent. He was prepared to bring a stranger of uncertain character into your home and have sex with him while your child was in the next room! I think a judge would take a very dim view of his actions given that someone who trawls the internet for anonymous no-strings sex is perhaps not the best person to bring into a home with a child... in fact your partner, being such a person himself, is not the best person to have custody of a child either.

 

You could build a very strong case for him being an unfit parent, and prevent him from gaining even partial custody, which imo is in the best interests of the child. If it was my child, supervised visitation is all I'd feel comfortable with allowing this man to have, given that he's violent and obviously prepared to put the child at risk in order to have a sexual thrill.

JamesM Established Member

JamesM

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I saw this is in his email.....

 

 

To let you know I have been with many men when I lived in the city, so this is nothing new to me, I am very comfortable with this and would love to do it again.

Get back to me, tonight if you can (I know this sounds strange) but could you send me an e-mail after 5:00 as to belay a fear of mine?

 

I haven't gone back and read, but did you know this? This should be of concern. Have you been checked for STDs?

 

I agree. Drop the fake emails and begin moving out...or at least plan to move out.

Thornton Established Member

Thornton

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Does nobody else see the bigotry in the OP?

 

I don't see any bigotry... which part in particular suggested bigotry to you?

 

If it's where she said he might catch HIV... well surely that's a risk if he's picking up strangers for casual sex, whether gay or straight? The stranger probably makes a habit of doing such things, and so does the OP's partner, so who knows how many complete strangers either or both of them have had sexual contact with? Promiscuity carries a high risk of HIV, whatever the sexual orientation of the participants.

 

OP, I highly recommend that you do not have sex with this man again, and also get tested for STDs. I was saddened to read that you already caught STDs from him... I would think that would have put you off him immediately. Please ensure that you haven't caught any more; don't put yourself at risk by sleeping with him again, and get tested asap so you can receive any treatment you might need.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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.OP, I highly recommend that you do not have sex with this man again, and also get tested for STDs. I was saddened to read that you already caught STDs from him... I would think that would have put you off him immediately. Please ensure that you haven't caught any more; don't put yourself at risk by sleeping with him again, and get tested asap so you can receive any treatment you might need.

 

This whole thing is sad. When I win the lottery, I'm going to develop courses that will be taught in every school to educate kids so that people stop getting into these insane relationships. They're nothing but soul-destroying and complete and total waste of life.

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Odetta Dean Member

Odetta Dean

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You need to print out all of those emails and keep them, because they provide very strong evidence of him being an unfit parent. He was prepared to bring a stranger of uncertain character into your home and have sex with him while your child was in the next room! I think a judge would take a very dim view of his actions given that someone who trawls the internet for anonymous no-strings sex is perhaps not the best person to bring into a home with a child... in fact your partner, being such a person himself, is not the best person to have custody of a child either.

 

You could build a very strong case for him being an unfit parent, and prevent him from gaining even partial custody, which imo is in the best interests of the child. If it was my child, supervised visitation is all I'd feel comfortable with allowing this man to have, given that he's violent and obviously prepared to put the child at risk in order to have a sexual thrill.

Yes, I've done that. I finally got ahold of my councillor and i have an appointment with her today. I'm going to show them the her and ask her to help me make a plan. She said i could get a child protection order of some sort i want to get more info on that. She told me he is at his peak, even beofre this all happened, she said that this is the time in controlling abusive relationships where he's willing to go to new heights to keep or get that control. She's scared he'll take the baby, as am i. The appointment will get the ball rolling on my plan to get him out.

 

But~ In previous sessions, I've told her i had a keylogger on my computer because of his cheating in the past. She told me to get rid of it because if anything ever went to court it would look real bad for me so I got rid of it.

 

These emails, won't they look bad as well? I'm invading his privacy isn't that a crime? Or does it only apply when it isn't MY computer? I'm confused about that one. Does anyone know?

 

I saw this is in his email.....

 

 

 

 

I haven't gone back and read, but did you know this? This should be of concern. Have you been checked for STDs?

 

I agree. Drop the fake emails and begin moving out...or at least plan to move out.

 

I knew that he was bi, yes. But he's told me time and time again, that he's done with that. That he has all he needs with me, and he doesn't ever want to be with another soul as long as he lives, man or woman. I was a fool to believe (somewhat) that he was being true when he said he found the one he wants forever. That he's done it all sexually and he doesn't crave it anymore. That i'm his wife and that blahhhhhh what ever... it was all bull from the beginning. All his words. What a fool i was to hang on for so long.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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I knew that he was bi, yes. But he's told me time and time again, that he's done with that. That he has all he needs with me, and he doesn't ever want to be with another soul as long as he lives, man or woman. I was a fool to believe (somewhat) that he was being true when he said he found the one he wants forever. That he's done it all sexually and he doesn't crave it anymore. That i'm his wife and that blahhhhhh what ever... it was all bull from the beginning. All his words. What a fool i was to hang on for so long.

 

You can keep on beating yourself up but there is absolutely no value in that at this point. You did it. You can't go back. It's what it is. Just move on and learn from it. That's all any of us can ever do when we make mistakes. If you don't do that, and if you keep beating yourself up about it, you won't move forward.

 

You're handling this well by developing a plan with your therapist. I don't recommend giving 'hubby' any warning or any reason at all to suspect that you're leaving him. If you do, he is very likely to become violent. It may be wise at this point to just leave and then later contact your landlord about what you're doing and why you're doing it. Chances are, your ex will stay there and pay the rent. If he doesn't, he'll get thrown out. How much longer do you have on your lease?

 

Yes, those emails are evidence. They are solid proof that he was willing to put your child in jeapordy and the courts will not like this even a little bit. It doesn't matter how you obtained the information. You were living together so it's not a big leap that you would have access to his computer. Btw, once you leave, be sure to take every single thing that you value because you'll probably never see it again.

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Odetta Dean Member

Odetta Dean

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You can keep on beating yourself up but there is absolutely no value in that at this point. You did it. You can't go back. It's what it is. Just move on and learn from it. That's all any of us can ever do when we make mistakes. If you don't do that, and if you keep beating yourself up about it, you won't move forward.

 

You're handling this well by developing a plan with your therapist. I don't recommend giving 'hubby' any warning or any reason at all to suspect that you're leaving him. If you do, he is very likely to become violent. It may be wise at this point to just leave and then later contact your landlord about what you're doing and why you're doing it. Chances are, your ex will stay there and pay the rent. If he doesn't, he'll get thrown out. How much longer do you have on your lease?

 

Yes, those emails are evidence. They are solid proof that he was willing to put your child in jeapordy and the courts will not like this even a little bit. It doesn't matter how you obtained the information. You were living together so it's not a big leap that you would have access to his computer. Btw, once you leave, be sure to take every single thing that you value because you'll probably never see it again.

He can tell that something is wrong, because i'm just not myself. I can manage my temper and not outing him and blowing up. But i'm having a heck of a time, being loving towards him and because of that, he asks me what my problem is. He doesn't know that i have an appointment today or anything else though. So far so good.

 

Btw, it's not his computer, it's mine. I bought it... he's been in and out of our house so many times his past year that i consider everything i've purchased to be mine and not "ours" there is no "ours" when he helps by giving me the bare minimum of his share of half the bills, then running up those said bills, and gives me shyte for purchasing new furniture. :mad: I have so much disdain for him.

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Odetta Dean Member

Odetta Dean

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My dear god i'm getting so nervous. I have butterflies in my stomach and my limbs are weak.:(

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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My dear god i'm getting so nervous. I have butterflies in my stomach and my limbs are weak.:(

 

Please try to calm down. I know it's a nerve-wracking situation but you need to get control of yourself. You can do it.

 

Does he work? Is he there during the day?

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Odetta Dean Member

Odetta Dean

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Please try to calm down. I know it's a nerve-wracking situation but you need to get control of yourself. You can do it.

 

Does he work? Is he there during the day?

I'm trying :) But i just went to my appointment only to find out that she and the secretary are sick. So i never got a call that my appointment has been rescheduled for monday :( Looks like i'm going to have to put on an even happier smile for the weekend. Surley if he doesn't get any replies from the "guy" he'll know it was me and confront me on it, and i'll have to go out into the battlefield with no game plan. &*#@ I needed that appointment today. I tried to get someone else, and guess who the only councillor available was? HIS. Also, he has an appointment with her in the afternoon today. I couldn't go see her.

 

Yes he works, so do i. We work the same hours during the week. thankfully he works tomorrow, so i have the afternoon alone.

 

I am just so messed. How do you put on a loving smile and give affection when you don't mean it and it's the last thing you want to do?

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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Then do what someone else here suggested - get some friends together and have them at the house when you tell him that you're breaking up with him and you want him to leave. I don't think you should go another day in this situation.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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....also, just because he doesn't get any calls from the 'guy' on craigslist doesn't mean he'll know anything. That stuff no doubt happens all the time on sites like that - people talk and then they disappear. It's not a big deal.

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Odetta Dean Member

Odetta Dean

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Then do what someone else here suggested - get some friends together and have them at the house when you tell him that you're breaking up with him and you want him to leave. I don't think you should go another day in this situation.

I don't want to. I'll think hard about who i want to bring into this mess. I don't want to bring ANYONE into it. I've lost touch with all my friends, and seeing that this is such a huge ugly favour i don't want to ask any of them being that we haven't talked in so long.

 

It will have to be my brothers. They hate him, and won't hesitate, but it won't be the first time they've had to escort him out of the house because of our arguing and him not stopping... It sucks that they have to go through something like that because of me. But they'll do it again i'm sure.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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If he confronts you with his suspicions, he'll have to explain to you what he's been doing - I really don't think he's that dumb. But if he is, you can quickly change the subject by saying, "Now tell me again - you're on a site for WHAT???" Get my drift?

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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I don't want to. I'll think hard about who i want to bring into this mess. I don't want to bring ANYONE into it. I've lost touch with all my friends, and seeing that this is such a huge ugly favour i don't want to ask any of them being that we haven't talked in so long.

 

It will have to be my brothers. They hate him, and won't hesitate, but it won't be the first time they've had to escort him out of the house because of our arguing and him not stopping... It sucks that they have to go through something like that because of me. But they'll do it again i'm sure.

 

Then ask your brothers to do it this one last time and tell them that you'll never ask again because you promise this is the last time - and make sure that it is. You have to be done with this relationship and cannot keep going back over and over again.

 

Your other alternative is to go talk to an attorney today but that may be difficult. You may be able to get a quick consultation over the phone if you want to ask what's the best way to get someone out of your house who refuses to leave. Or do a google search - there are answers all over the internet it seems for everything. Your other choice is to suck it up for the weekend but in order to do that, you're going to need to pull yourself together.

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Odetta Dean Member

Odetta Dean

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If he confronts you with his suspicions, he'll have to explain to you what he's been doing - I really don't think he's that dumb. But if he is, you can quickly change the subject by saying, "Now tell me again - you're on a site for WHAT???" Get my drift?

 

That I do :D

 

Then ask your brothers to do it this one last time and tell them that you'll never ask again because you promise this is the last time - and make sure that it is. You have to be done with this relationship and cannot keep going back over and over again.

 

Your other alternative is to go talk to an attorney today but that may be difficult. You may be able to get a quick consultation over the phone if you want to ask what's the best way to get someone out of your house who refuses to leave. Or do a google search - there are answers all over the internet it seems for everything. Your other choice is to suck it up for the weekend but in order to do that, you're going to need to pull yourself together.

 

a) have him out this weekend

b) talk to an lawyer

c) suck it up till monday.....

 

Definitley somethings to mull over this afternoon.

 

Thanks so much Angel for walking with me through this :love:. You have helped me with the reasonable & logical part of my thinking that i lose when i'm under pressure and scatterbrained in times like this, this is probably going to be the biggest change in my life, and the pressure and stress of just that alone is overwhelming, nevermind what i have to do beforehand..

 

You've already helped me stay in control more than you know.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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That I do :D

 

 

 

a) have him out this weekend

b) talk to an lawyer

c) suck it up till monday.....

 

Definitley somethings to mull over this afternoon.

 

Thanks so much Angel for walking with me through this :love:. You have helped me with the reasonable & logical part of my thinking that i lose when i'm under pressure and scatterbrained in times like this, this is probably going to be the biggest change in my life, and the pressure and stress of just that alone is overwhelming, nevermind what i have to do beforehand..

 

You've already helped me stay in control more than you know.

 

I'm glad. I know this is an emotional situation but that's the last thing you need to be focused on right now. I remember when I left my ex - it was after a particularly bad night where he yelled and threatened and threw things. The next morning, I told my son that were were moving, that I'd get him at the place he went to after school, and I let him know we were going to live. Then I called the apts that I already had lined up (because I was moving out anyway) and asked if I could move in a week early. They said yes. I next called movers and asked if they could do an emergency move. That was it. I was gone. I didn't even have a full-time job and had no idea how I was going to make ends meet. But I figured I could flip burgers at McDonald's if I had to. I was willing to do whatever it took to get away from him. And I did.

 

In your case, it would probably be best for you to just leave. Take your most valued stuff, take the kid, write a goodbye note, and vamoos. End of story. You can figure out the rest later.

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Odetta Dean Member

Odetta Dean

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I blew up lastnight. Not exactly, just showed my anger a little when he snapped at me. he knows at least i'm pretty sure. He is sleeping in the basement and not screaming at me like most times... it's an indication he's guilty so i'm pretty sure he does.

 

Time for call a lawyer on monday/ i told him to leave and he just went down stairs. Any sugestions?

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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I blew up lastnight. Not exactly, just showed my anger a little when he snapped at me. he knows at least i'm pretty sure. He is sleeping in the basement and not screaming at me like most times... it's an indication he's guilty so i'm pretty sure he does.

 

Time for call a lawyer on monday/ i told him to leave and he just went down stairs. Any sugestions?

 

Great. He is absolutely mortified at the possibility that you have stumbled on this piece of information about him. And rightfully so. You have absolute power over him - at least this is what he's thinking right now, and he doesn't like it one bit. But let him think it, because it actually is true. Right now, he's afraid that you could tell his friends, family, co-workers, boss - anybody - about his little secret and he's cursing himself for the incredibly huge indiscretion of putting ads on craigslist. Again, let him wallow in his misery. And don't believe one syllable that comes out of his mouth from this moment forward. Because trust me when I tell you that once he gets over the shock of you knowing, he'll begin formulating more stories and lies in his head than you could possibly fathom. Just be watchful and don't spill the beans. Keep him guessing. He's still a very loose cannon.

SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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Hey, if you like PM me the his/your e-mail addys (after all I imagine both are e-mail addresses set up for CL so they don't give away any private information) and I can e-mail him at the set time so that he doesn't suspect it's you. Ugh so sorry to hear about this mess. I think that any female should make it a standing rule to never get involved with gay men, bi men or married men.

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