Discovered that my "hubby" is posting ads on a craigslist-esque site for gay sex

October 15, 2009

You don't have to do anything, until you're ready. Most of the listings on CL or BS anyway. If you never reply back, he will be none the wiser. See and attorney... get your ducks in a row, and have a male family member or friend there when you tell him to leave. Your LL should be happy to change the locks if you pay the fee. Its not that much to have them rekeyed.

October 15, 2009

I wish it was that easy. His name isn't on the lease, so if they found out i could get evicted too.

When is your lease up? (you don't have to really answer that here) Can you look to move out yourself? Is your landlord a hard@ss who would put you and your baby out if you confessed to making a bad decision and asked for help? It's soooo much easier to get away from someone who wants you hurt you when you go somewhere else, rather than stay put and ask them to leave. BTDT. And there are a lot of compassionate people who will help a woman who has been the victim of violence, especially one with a child. IF you can either get out of your lease early, or take advantage of a coming-up, DO IT. Your child does not need a mother stricken with whatever disease he brings home from this mess.

October 15, 2009

When is your lease up? (you don't have to really answer that here) Can you look to move out yourself? Is your landlord a hard@ss who would put you and your baby out if you confessed to making a bad decision and asked for help? It's soooo much easier to get away from someone who wants you hurt you when you go somewhere else, rather than stay put and ask them to leave. BTDT. And there are a lot of compassionate people who will help a woman who has been the victim of violence, especially one with a child. IF you can either get out of your lease early, or take advantage of a coming-up, DO IT. Your child does not need a mother stricken with whatever disease he brings home from this mess.

Yes, I'll make up some excuse and have them change the deadbolt for me after I get him moved out. ~ when that will be, i do not know. Hopefully sooner than later.

That whole process is going to be hell. I have an appointment with my councillor tomorrow.

October 15, 2009

Yes thats what i did. I got two more messages from him after that. here is the worst one.

Gave it some thought, and I'm in. Just let me know what your friend looks like, I'm not into "the large ones" but other than that just let me know. I am becomming increasingly interested in this. ~ and it goes on after that.

I felt a little better lastnight knowing that he wouldn't touch any woman. But now i find this? It hurts, but it was my own fault for probing. At least now i'm positive what he is.

How am i suppsed to end this "phony" plan? Should I give him a fake house & street number and see if he goes through with it? Ugh. I feel so awful.

I just have to ask - why would you feel better knowing he wouldn't touch another woman? I mean, seriously - the guy is attracted to other men. Is that not enough to knock you on your butt? As someone else pointed out, I'm not bashing gay people, but what I absolutely cannot stand are these fake marriages designed to hide someone's gayness, so that they can do things behind your back. It hurts so many people. In the future, if a man ever tells you he's bi, run - don't walk - away as fast as you can.

You really don't have to respond to him on craigslist again. All you have to do is disappear. He can sulk about the great deal he missed out on. I like the idea of sending photos of someone he knows because it's really funny, but the reality of that is that he's going to know that someone's on to him and you're going to be his first guess. Just be prepared for that. Personally, I'd just disappear. And then I'd get him out of my house. If he runs away with your kid, he'll get put in jail for it. If he tries to cross the borders, he'll get stopped. Anyone leaving the country with a minor must show proof that the other parent consented to taking the child out of the country. Don't let him put you in fear. It puts you on the defense and it gives him the advantage.

October 15, 2009

I've dug myself into a hole. I could send him a picture of me, but he's violent. I think it would send him over the edge if he knew it was me. He'd probably lose it and beat the shyte out of me again. (It happened a LONG time ago)

I can't help but feel guilty because of what i did. Snooping is one thing. (but , tell me honestly, if you found an email on a computer that only you and your partner use with an email like "wantsomec*ck etc.." wouldn't you?)
But posting and finding out if he'd be with women as well was a whole different thing. I feel like i've trapped him in some way. I hate that i feel this way. I wish i could just hate him.

The worst part of it all is that i'm alone. Also when people ask y i booted him what, what the heck do i say? I broke into his email and found out he was looking for sex with men and women? *sighs* I would feel guilty about outing him in a small town such as this. He'd probably be beaten up a few good times. God I wish he wasn't the father of my baby.

Seriously, hon, you need to develop some serious boundaries. This man has lied and cheated on you and you feel guilty??? Wake up, please. As far as what other people want to know about why you left him, that's none of their business. Stop letting other people control what you do. You have good instincts but you end up second-guessing yourself and that's where you get into trouble. Stop putting up with crap from people. And stop thinking that the whole separation thing is going to be hell. You're just creating one bad reality after another. It might be hell for him, but that doesn't have to affect you. It's all about how YOU choose to view it. Ok? Find your real self and stop letting other people manipulate you. You're not a victim.

October 15, 2009

Personally, I like the idea of sending photos of someone who it may DISGUST him to know that they troll CL looking for free meat. If it is disgusting enough to him, it may be disgusting enough FOR him, which will serve him well in the future even though his future won't be with this lady.

I'm all about being helpful as you walk away.

October 15, 2009

I need to get him out of my house. Everything is in my name and if the landlord found out that he was in there and i wasn't he'd be evicted anyway. So i have to find a way to get him out after all this.

Should i print off the emails, including my "fake" ones and show him? Or should I just tell him i want to break up? He never takes no for an answer any other time we've broken up. I've always let him back. I need to leave him this time for good.

There are lots of attorneys who will give free consultations. Because you have a child with this guy and because he's in your house, you need to talk to an attorney. Considering that he's violent, I don't think you need to tell him that you know about the craigslist stuff. I personally think police need to be onsite to remove him.

October 15, 2009

You don't have to do anything, until you're ready. Most of the listings on CL or BS anyway. If you never reply back, he will be none the wiser. See and attorney... get your ducks in a row, and have a male family member or friend there when you tell him to leave. Your LL should be happy to change the locks if you pay the fee. Its not that much to have them rekeyed.

These are great ideas.

October 15, 2009

Seriously, hon, you need to develop some serious boundaries. This man has lied and cheated on you and you feel guilty??? Wake up, please. As far as what other people want to know about why you left him, that's none of their business. Stop letting other people control what you do. You have good instincts but you end up second-guessing yourself and that's where you get into trouble. Stop putting up with crap from people. And stop thinking that the whole separation thing is going to be hell. You're just creating one bad reality after another. It might be hell for him, but that doesn't have to affect you. It's all about how YOU choose to view it. Ok? Find your real self and stop letting other people manipulate you. You're not a victim.

Your right! I know i do that way too much. It's been a habit especially after staying with the shmuck for 5 years! Thanks for this.

I'm going to cut it out and stick it in my journal so every time i start to think this way i can read it.

October 15, 2009

Your right! I know i do that way too much. It's been a habit especially after staying with the shmuck for 5 years! Thanks for this.

I'm going to cut it out and stick it in my journal so every time i start to think this way i can read it.

Good! You see, you don't necessarily have to get angry or come to hate him. I mean, if you choose to do that, then that's ok. But those emotions take a lot out of you and usually anything negative that we direct at someone else, will also be directed at ourselves. Believe it or not, this isn't about him or who he is. As long as you focus on how little control you have over his actions and how you wish he would treat you, the more you lose yourself. You become a victim. Instead of doing all that stuff, just decide that YOU will only be with someone who treats you like a valued human being. But before you can do that, you'll need to learn to value yourself. Most people don't realize this but the person we're with is a direct reflection on us and our emotional health. It tells us how we feel about ourselves. Look around you and you'll see evidence of this everywhere.

A big part of that is developing strong boundaries for yourself - this means with your spouse, your kids, your parents, friends, strangers, whoever. If you don't work this out, then the next person who's going to challenge those boundaries is your daughter. Kids are great at this. So, if something annoys you in any situation, then step back and think about it. Believe in yourself and believe that if something doesn't feel right, there's a reason for that. For the longest time, I vowed to myself that I would stop giving quick answers to things that I was unsure about. So, my stock answer became, "I'm not sure. Let me think about it." I would become clearer on it when I had time to think. Then I didn't have to go back and undo something I did, or agree to. This did wonders for me to develop stronger boundaries, instead of being Ms. Agreeable all the time.

As far as what to tell other people, remember that you don't ever have to tell the truth when people are asking you something that is personal to you. So, although I'm not a good liar, when people ask me something I don't want to answer, I will lie. Or I'll just say something generic. In your case, if people ask why you left him, you can say, "Oh, it just wasn't working out." And smile and walk away. I wasn't trying to say that other people's opinions don't matter - because we all care about that - but you've got to learn to not let that run your life. You know why you're doing what you're doing and you know it's the right thing to do for you. That's all you need to know.

October 15, 2009

He's on to me! What should I do? Heres what he wrote in the last email. He wants "him" to email him while i'm at home with him. what the heck should i do? Just not reply?

Also, does this person live in town? there could be trouble for me if she does. If my lady were to find out (even though I would have no feelings for this person) it would be the end of us and I do not want that at the cost of a night of sex. I love my lady dearly but the draw of this is quite strong. Perhaps we could meet prior to us getting together, you could come to my work and we could have coffee or something, let me know. It would also give you a chance to see me w/out me knowing who you were.

I have not been w/a male for a very long time and the draw is overwhelming, I don't want to pass this up.

To let you know I have been with many men when I lived in the city, so this is nothing new to me, I am very comfortable with this and would love to do it again.

Get back to me, tonight if you can (I know this sounds strange) but could you send me an e-mail after 5:00 as to belay a fear of mine?

October 15, 2009

Right, don't reply. This particular piece of drama is over. Time to start the much more important work of extricating yourself from this mess of a relationship. You've already gotten some good advice on how to do that.

October 15, 2009

If there is a history of domestic violence, you can contact your local Domestic Violence Shelter, they can help you with any legal advice you may need regarding your child with him, also they can send an advocate with you to file any court documents (such as filing for a restraining order to get him out of your home and keep him out).

You do not have to confront him with what you know if you think it may lead to violence, just get a restraining order, and have him served immediately. A judge will usually grant you a temporary order within minutes of you filing. You can then pack him a bag, and take it to the police station where he can pick it up after having been served.

As to telling people why you separated, it is none of their business. If you feel you MUST answer just tell them that you had a difference of opinion as to where you wanted your realtionship to go, and leave it at that.

Good luck, and above all, be safe.

October 15, 2009

OD I have to parrot what others are saying...just stop with the emails. Especially if he is violent it will not end well.

October 15, 2009

No, i'll stop. It was a stupid idea anyway. I can't help but feel like i trapped him or something.

October 15, 2009

No, i'll stop. It was a stupid idea anyway. I can't help but feel like i trapped him or something.

You would have trapped him only if you forced him to do something he didn't want to do. That's not what happened here. You didn't trap him into anything.

October 15, 2009

No, i'll stop. It was a stupid idea anyway. I can't help but feel like i trapped him or something.

Trapped him?

Look, I have no desire to have sexual contact outside of the relationship I am in right now, so it wouldn't matter if I got 300 emails a day from people offering me "no strings attached booty"... I have no desire to stray out of my relationship, so just because it is an option doesn't mean I would take it.

How is that a trap?

Did you threaten to harm him or someone he cares about if he didn't agree to meet for sex? Because the way i see it, that is the only way this is not ALL HIS FAULT!!!!

Besides, you stated he had already posted on craigslist, you just responded to HIS ads, right? Sounds to me like he set the trap himself, you just came along and released the spring that caught him in his own trap.

October 15, 2009

Trapped him?

Look, I have no desire to have sexual contact outside of the relationship I am in right now, so it wouldn't matter if I got 300 emails a day from people offering me "no strings attached booty"... I have no desire to stray out of my relationship, so just because it is an option doesn't mean I would take it.

How is that a trap?

Did you threaten to harm him or someone he cares about if he didn't agree to meet for sex? Because the way i see it, that is the only way this is not ALL HIS FAULT!!!!

Besides, you stated he had already posted on craigslist, you just responded to HIS ads, right? Sounds to me like he set the trap himself, you just came along and released the spring that caught him in his own trap.

Yes you are indeeeeeeed correctomundo. He started posting ads on Sept 22. I discovered them on thanksgiving. I didn't resond to one of them until yesterday. He was already emailing some dude and was ready to "blow" him in our house

October 15, 2009

1. Yes, married black women do contract it at a higher rate because many black men live the gay life while never acknowledging it due to its stigma.

2. I think NID was not saying that Odetta was black, but she was using it as an example. Being that NID is black and being then at some greater risk statistically, she may have felt it was a relevant example. I think so, too.

Sorry, no bigotry with NID either.

Odetta, anything different today?

Thanks, that's exactly what I was doing. Using it as an example. What I think is a relevant example, regardless of her race.

October 15, 2009

No, i'll stop. It was a stupid idea anyway. I can't help but feel like i trapped him or something.

Can you give the logon info to someone you know and trust and have them respond while you're at home?

October 15, 2009

No, i'll stop. It was a stupid idea anyway. I can't help but feel like i trapped him or something.

The way you always turn this around on yourself is amazing. I really wish you would stop doing that - for your sake.

If you act guilty while you're at home tonight, he's going to know you know. Cool it. You don't know nuthin. Right?

October 15, 2009

Can you give the logon info to someone you know and trust and have them respond while you're at home?

To what end? She's got all the information she needs and to prolong the game is exactly that -- a game. She shouldn't stoop to such measures when it will not benefit anything.

October 15, 2009

To what end? She's got all the information she needs and to prolong the game is exactly that -- a game. She shouldn't stoop to such measures when it will not benefit anything.

Good point.

October 16, 2009

this is just crazy! You must be in shock! Never mind that he's cheating or that he wants sex with a man, think about that he wanted to bring a stanger home while your baby was there.

This is simple, pack up and leave. Who cares how you tell him.

October 16, 2009

this is just crazy! You must be in shock! Never mind that he's cheating or that he wants sex with a man, think about that he wanted to bring a stanger home while your baby was there.

This is simple, pack up and leave. Who cares how you tell him.

She can't do that exactly. The lease is in her name. She just needs to get him out of there. If it takes the police to do it, then so be it...

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Discovered that my "hubby" is posting ads on a craigslist-esque site for gay sex

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