Discovered that my "hubby" is posting ads on a craigslist-esque site for gay sex

[Odetta Dean]

My question is, how do i bust him?

 

I was shocked when i found this, but when i found this in one of the messages "I have a wife. Well, she's not really my "wife" i just call her that to keep her happy. THAT was what almost made me puke. He's going to come home carrying HIV. After reading everything, I wondered if I wasn't horribly hurt because i was in shock. Then I realized that it's because i don't love him anymore. I don't want him in my life anymore.

 

I don't want him to bring our daughter up being mean and racist like him. I. Don't. Want. Him.

 

So, what should i do? In the last message, he actually told the guy that he might be able to have him over AT OUR HOUSE, today while our baby is sleeping. Should I call in sick? Should I go home when they are in the middle of it?

 

My god I really am physically sick. I think I'm going to puke.

[whichwayisup]

Print out what you've found, leave it out on the kitchen table for him, with a note saying "Since I'm not really your 'wife', I guess it shouldn't matter to you that I'm leaving you, I want a divorce" then, pack up a suitcase, take your daughter and go stay with your parents or a good friend.

 

Let him stew in this ALONE for a while. If he tries to contact you, BE STRONG and tell him that he MUST seek counselling, figure out what is going on inside of him. Is he gay? Bi? Curious? Reguardless of the outcome, you two STILL have to co-parent together, somehow..

 

Anyway, yes, take the day off. Why bust him on the spot! That will do more damage to you. Talk to him and let him know what you've found and that you are not putting up with it.

[2sure]

Why do you need to "bust" him?

You have the all the proof and knowledge you need to know what the reality is.

 

Because he is A-OK with having sex with a stranger while caring for your child...I would consider him unfit to care for your child at this time.

[Odetta Dean]

Why do you need to "bust" him?

You have the all the proof and knowledge you need to know what the reality is.

 

Because he is A-OK with having sex with a stranger while caring for your child...I would consider him unfit to care for your child at this time.

I agree. That's why i'm wondering if i should call in sick this afternoon. I CAN'T have that sick prick having sex with a stranger he's never seen before in our hoome while baby is sleeping in the next room

 

He won't take no answer for an answer. He will also deny everything until he is red in the face. He'll scream in my face for not having any trust and faith in him. Proof is the easiest way to go.

[Odetta Dean]

Print out what you've found, leave it out on the kitchen table for him, with a note saying "Since I'm not really your 'wife', I guess it shouldn't matter to you that I'm leaving you, I want a divorce" then, pack up a suitcase, take your daughter and go stay with your parents or a good friend.

 

Let him stew in this ALONE for a while. If he tries to contact you, BE STRONG and tell him that he MUST seek counselling, figure out what is going on inside of him. Is he gay? Bi? Curious? Reguardless of the outcome, you two STILL have to co-parent together, somehow..

 

Anyway, yes, take the day off. Why bust him on the spot! That will do more damage to you. Talk to him and let him know what you've found and that you are not putting up with it.

 

He IS in councilling. and yes he's Bi. He said he would never touch another human being so long as he's with me. I was a fool to believe him.

 

Yes i think i will stay home this afternoon.

[turnstone]

Does nobody else see the bigotry in the OP?

[hopeful1980]

Does nobody else see the bigotry in the OP?

 

Umm, yeah. But that's not the issue here and people say crazy things when they are upset. I try to give the benefit of the doubt.

[Odetta Dean]

Does nobody else see the bigotry in the OP?

I have nothing against Gay or Bi sexual people. If u found out your bf/gf was trying to mess around wouldn't you be angry?

 

He is cheating, or looking to cheat. In our home. While our baby is in the next room. I'm not allowed to be disgusted and upset?

[GorillaTheater]

I have nothing against Gay or Bi sexual people. If u found out your bf/gf was trying to mess around wouldn't you be angry?

 

He is cheating, or looking to cheat. In our home. While our baby is in the next room. I'm not allowed to be disgusted and upset?

 

You have every right. And I didn't see any indication of "bigotry" at all.

[CarrieT]

I'm not sure you want to catch him in the act. That is how I found my husband 20 years ago (but he was with several men). NOT an image you want to have in your head - trust me...

 

You have enough proof with the email. You want it to go further for what purpose? Don't go there...

[Odetta Dean]

You have every right. And I didn't see any indication of "bigotry" at all.

 

 

Thank you.

 

I'm not sure you want to catch him in the act. That is how I found my husband 20 years ago (but he was with several men). NOT an image you want to have in your head - trust me...

 

You have enough proof with the email. You want it to go further for what purpose? Don't go there...

 

Yes true true. I don't think i'd want that. I'm sorry you had to go through it god what a shock that must have been! It was just erratic thinking.

 

Bottom line i need to put a stop to it though. I'll call in sick this afternoon he can't do that while me babe is there.

 

I just want to call him and scream at him. He's messaging me right now trying to pick a fight, looking for a reason to get mad at me, and it's taking all that i am not to tell him to f*ck right off!

[JamesM]

You have every right. And I didn't see any indication of "bigotry" at all.

 

I agree. Maybe saying that he will come home with HIV could cause some to think so, but when HIV is more prevalent in the gay community (let me finish) that is promiscuous, then I think she is listing a valid concern.

 

Odetta, with statements like his, I think you have evidence. However, catching him in the act may be what he needs. It may not be a pretty picture, but it may be necessary. If you are at work, then I guarantee you that the pictures in your head will be worse that seeing him in person.

[Odetta Dean]

ok, so now they've put it off until Saturday. He wants him to come to his work so he can "blow" him.

 

I'm calmer now and the pain is starting to set in. I don't know how i'm giong to handle all this. Let alone survive financially as a single mom.

 

How do i approach him about all this?

[JamesM]

Curious question...ho do you know this already?

[Fallen Angel]

Ouch! I am SO SORRY for your pain.

 

The anger you feel right now is a good thing. Use it to your advantage. Take the steps you need to take to ensure the safety of yourself and your child.

 

I don't see bigotry at all, either.

 

I see a woman who has found out that her husband is a cheater and who is willing to risk the safety of their child to meet his desires. That would be the case if it was a woman instead of a man who he was planning to bring into your home.

 

I would take off work, head home, and confront this head on while you have your righteous indignation working for you. If you wait too long the anger turns to despair and you start to weaken your resolve.

 

((HUGS)) to you. Keep us posted.

[Odetta Dean]

Curious question...ho do you know this already?

I was going to check my email yesterday and there was a new email address up (he must have forgot to click forget me) in messenger and it was a dirty address (if u know what i mean). I tried his password that he has for his regular email and it worked. He's been posting ads since September 22nd.

 

I had to check. The email address was too obvious with the intention it was being used for. He knows that i have his other email pword. I wonder if he wanted to get caught? He's cheated in the past and knows that i check in from time to time because i've had a very hard time gaining trust back. We just got back together lst month on the 20th, and this time, i really felt good about it. I deleted the keylogger before he moved back in, and didn't check up on him until i smacked into that email address. ~ I know the keylogger was wrong, and that's why i deleted it. My councillor told me that i needed to "fool" my mind into thinking that he is trustworthy so i'd eventually trust him again. All for this. I was afraid that once i let my wall down i'd get hurt.

 

Now he's getting suspicious of me. He just accused me of chatting with another person this morning while he was on mesenger with me. He checked the redial button and asked what the # was. He tried starting a fight.

 

My worst fear is that he'll try to take my girl. Not go for custody but try to leave the state with her.

[Devil Inside]

I am so sorry. It really hurts to read the messages that a spouse writes to a lover...especially the way they discount us.

 

You said that you were worried about how you would get through this...get a support system together. Do you have a good friend or family member that you would trust for support?

 

You are also going to need an attorney. He will have to pay you child support and maybe alimony..until you figure out how to make it on your own...and you will.

 

Oh...I'm sorry...good luck.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i dont see any bigotry. introducing another partner into a marriage is inviting in things like HIV be it staight/bi/gay or whatever.

 

and i know im wrong for saying this because im a WS, but if i caught my husband with a woman i'd probably let a few unkind words fly about her and if i caught him with a man it would be MUCH worse.

[Athena]

Sorry but this must be a troll

[Angel1111]

Print out those emails and keep them for proof, or save them somewhere electronically. I hope you will divorce this guy and when you do, you will need these emails as proof that he is willing to jeapordize the safety of his child by bringing a total stranger into the house with the child present. That is so totally ridiculous I don't even have words for it. The guy from craigslist could be a killer for all he knows.

 

I would put a separation in effect immediately. Talk to an attorney first, though, and tell him the circumstances. Just be very careful about you being the one who leaves the house with your child. The courts don't favor children being disrupted from their homes so, if I were you, I'd have him leave. Ask the attorney what you should do if he refuses to leave.

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It would repulse me in every way.

[NoIDidn't]

I didn't see any bigotry either. Married Black women are contracting HIV from their "down low" Hs at record rates. It is a REAL concern for the OP.

 

OP, if you don't love him anymore and are *just* afraid of being a single mom (I put it that way because I know that is no small concern, its HUGE), go to lawyer anyway. You need legal advice. You also need to get info on the possible places he could go should he try to sneak off with your (as in, both of yours) daughter, in case you need it.

 

This scenario is becoming so common nowadays. A late friend of mine found his W in a multi-woman orgy in the same way. He was devastated. You do NOT want that image in your mind. Believe me.

[turnstone]

I'm surprised, totally.

 

I wasn't aware that married black women are contracting HIV at record rates, infact I wasn't aware that the OP is black nor can I see where it says so.

[JamesM]

I'm surprised, totally.

 

I wasn't aware that married black women are contracting HIV at record rates, infact I wasn't aware that the OP is black nor can I see where it says so.

 

1. Yes, married black women do contract it at a higher rate because many black men live the gay life while never acknowledging it due to its stigma.

 

2. I think NID was not saying that Odetta was black, but she was using it as an example. Being that NID is black and being then at some greater risk statistically, she may have felt it was a relevant example. I think so, too.

 

Sorry, no bigotry with NID either.

 

Odetta, anything different today?

[FreezorBurn]

Print out what you've found, leave it out on the kitchen table

 

This is what I did when I caught my wife in a emotional affair. She was like a deer in headlights when she saw and read the note.

 

Don't mention "Divorce" so easily. I think that work should not be talked about untill the very end. the word "Divorce" should not be just thrown around like that.

 

He loved you and you touched his soul at some point. So what he wrote could have been just reteric or he was just angy at you at that moment.

 

So, your husband is Bi. you can make your marriage still work. He must want it to work if he nevery told you anything. He just wants to fufill his Urges.

 

The only thing that matters is what you and your husband agrea to. Screw the public opintion or what other people and religon tells you is morally right. When it feels right for You and him then it is right. Maybe try a lifestyle change. Have sex with your husband and another guy that might be just all he wants.

[Odetta Dean]

Sorry but this must be a troll

 

:rolleyes:Stuff like this happens. I'm no troll. I've been here for longer than 3 years.

 

Print out those emails and keep them for proof, or save them somewhere electronically. I hope you will divorce this guy and when you do, you will need these emails as proof that he is willing to jeapordize the safety of his child by bringing a total stranger into the house with the child present. That is so totally ridiculous I don't even have words for it. The guy from craigslist could be a killer for all he knows.

 

I would put a separation in effect immediately. Talk to an attorney first, though, and tell him the circumstances. Just be very careful about you being the one who leaves the house with your child. The courts don't favor children being disrupted from their homes so, if I were you, I'd have him leave. Ask the attorney what you should do if he refuses to leave.

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It would repulse me in every way.

 

I've printed them out. Also I'm sorry if i confused anyone into thinking we were legally married. I was so angry when i put htis thread up, that i put "hubby" in quotations like i did because he calls me his wife..

 

He got me a ring and said "baby we don't need any piece of paper to tell us we are married, you are my wife. forever." He was just trying to blow sunshine up my butt. Keep me happy so he could hang around and have his supper cooked, someone to clean up his mess. Someone to take care of his baby while he played with her and helped raise her.

 

I know now he doesn't love me. After reading that, and the way he treated me yesterday for no reason (and i was sick) just drives another nail in that coffin that was once our relationship.

 

After all he's put me through, after all i've put him through. It's over. He doesn't even know it yet. It was so hard yesterday trying to calm the waves while he was trying to start a fight. I so just wanted to let my steam blow. But i didn't and i have to hold on a few more days. Gotta get my ducks lined up.

 

I didn't see any bigotry either. Married Black women are contracting HIV from their "down low" Hs at record rates. It is a REAL concern for the OP.

 

OP, if you don't love him anymore and are *just* afraid of being a single mom (I put it that way because I know that is no small concern, its HUGE), go to lawyer anyway. You need legal advice. You also need to get info on the possible places he could go should he try to sneak off with your (as in, both of yours) daughter, in case you need it.

 

 

I was thinking about this lastnight. He was telling me that his niece was getting married in January. That he was going to go. Then the other day he emailed his friend in another state, saying he was going to try to go see her in January. He knows i know about the wedding. but not about reading that email. So i started to wonder if maybe that was what he was planning? I don't know. I can't trust my mind right now. It's probably just paranoia on my part.

 

My counscillor at one point, was worried that he'd try to take her. She described him as being at the "peak" and was ready to do something drastic. That he was all about control. ~ I'm going to take her advice and go and get a protection order from the court office that will protect my baby from being taken out of state by him. After i do this, is when i'll drop the bomb on him. Does it sound smart to wait? Or should i do all this after i ask him to leave?

 

1. Yes, married black women do contract it at a higher rate because many black men live the gay life while never acknowledging it due to its stigma.

 

2. I think NID was not saying that Odetta was black, but she was using it as an example. Being that NID is black and being then at some greater risk statistically, she may have felt it was a relevant example. I think so, too.

 

Sorry, no bigotry with NID either.

 

Odetta, anything different today?

 

My feelings haven't changed, i still want to kick him where it hurts. But I won't let my anger get the best of me. He's making it hard though. He was so cold and mean yesterday.

 

I need a plan. A solid one. Anytime we've ever broken up he's gone to his BIL's and he's always been adamant on keeping a key to the house. He's never moved his things out. I'm worried he'll do this again, or just refuse to go like he's done in the past as well.

 

This is what I did when I caught my wife in a emotional affair. She was like a deer in headlights when she saw and read the note.

 

Don't mention "Divorce" so easily. I think that work should not be talked about untill the very end. the word "Divorce" should not be just thrown around like that.

 

He loved you and you touched his soul at some point. So what he wrote could have been just reteric or he was just angy at you at that moment.

 

So, your husband is Bi. you can make your marriage still work. He must want it to work if he nevery told you anything. He just wants to fufill his Urges.

 

The only thing that matters is what you and your husband agrea to. Screw the public opintion or what other people and religon tells you is morally right. When it feels right for You and him then it is right. Maybe try a lifestyle change. Have sex with your husband and another guy that might be just all he wants.

 

He's cheated with women in the past, given me an std, beat me, you name it. This is just icing on the cake. My breaking point. Nothing can stop me from leaving him. I have realized that i'm wasting my life, all these good years have been wasted on a narsassistic, decietful, heartless sexual deviant thug. Sure he had his good points, and coupled with the fact that I loved him, i stuck around, but there isn't enough good anymore.

 

Should i see my councillor before i go to the courthouse? Do you think she would call them for me and explain what it was exactly she was talking about? I didn't know you could get a "child protection order" without the other parent knowing? She said it is all hush hush, and he wouldn't have to know. I hope she knows what she's talking about.

 

Should i tell him first? Or should I get this "CP Order", pack his things, and then drop it on him? Should I even tell him that i know about the craigslist ads?

 

Can someone offer me some advice?