flower45 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Hello everybody. First of all, I am sorry to post such a long message. I need your advice! I am since a year and a half with a boyfriend. We meet via meeting websites, and we begun dating each other immediately. I had just end up a long time relationship that was rather nice (except for the fact that my ex cheated on me). When we meet, I took everything very light. I did not want to engage so quickly after such a recent break-up, so I took my time. He felt in love pretty quickly, even if I made very clear that I was not in the search of a steady relationship right in that moment. Months passed and we became more and more closer. I must say that I am highly educated and independent economically. So I had my own housing, salary, friends, etc. At some point we were staying together all the time, in his house, or in mine. We were going to parties and outings always together and little by little I was considering him more and more as a steady boyfriend. But everything was of course not that perfect. Probably because of the circumstances on how my last relationship ended I was pretty insecure of me and him. I was still in the stage "all men will cheat at some point". He was very patient with me, explaining me that the only girl that he wanted to be was me and that he will not run with that beautiful girl sitting in the bar that was making me nervous. It took me a long time to stop thinking in the 'unavoidable fact' of him running away with some girl. From his side everything was not perfect neither. He had a problem of temper. He could go upset very quickly at something or someone, in circumstances that did not justify that over-reaction. A couple of times he got mad at me and I explain him that I did not need and do not deserve that treatment. I stated very clearly that I will not tolerate such behavior and that he could go elsewhere to misbehave. Time passed. I was fighting against my insecurity, he against his temper. Then he asked me to move together. I was not really sure to leave the security of my house. It is true that we were already leaving 80% of the time under my roof, and that we were having great times together, so nothing will really change, but I am a freedom lover, so I hesitate a lot. He then came with his proposition: he wanted to buy a flat for him and me, to offer me a new fresh page of life, a place without past, a place that we could build together. That idea seduced me, since I was still haunted by the souvenir of how my last relationship ended and the horrible things that I had to overcome alone. This new guy was offering me his life and a new start. He was not perfect, but well... who is perfect?. He wanted to buy the house alone, to dont put me in financial trouble. I must say that if in one hand I was very stable financially, he was not. He had old debts that he was still paying and we have to admit that his financial skills are pretty bad. He earns a pretty good salary and work his ass a lot, he does not have expensive hobbies, or is spending money on whatever. He is just not skilled to balance a monthly budget and with his debts the situation is not arranged. He then consulted a financial advisor which proposed him to put all the debts in one loan. This will cut interests considerably. He then bought the house. We moved together. With the stress of the moving and the weeks of works and renovations that we did by ourselves, we fought a lot. But when I went for advise, everybody told me that is common that couples fight (and even break up!) in the stressful stages of buying and renovating a house and moving together. We survived. After 3 weeks of tears, blood and sweat, we had a beautiful new house. But we were both very weak emotionally after such a stressful experience. He is not the only one to blame. I also have a strong personality (to no confound with strong temper) and have tendence to control everything around me (typical successful woman - control freak syndrome). We spent weeks healing each other wounds and after that we enjoyed a pretty stable nice time. We were very happy with each other, I then begun to get this weird feeling when he was putting his hand on my belly. You should maybe know that I never dreamed on kids, family or whatever. I have a satisfactory life (putting aside the fights with Ms. boyfriend), full of friends, trips and a great career. But this feeling was getting stronger. Why now, why with him!? Were the questions I asked myself. Days later, he confessed me that he dreamed about being with me forever, to have kids with me, to build a life. I knew that even if I had the same in mind, this was a completely bad idea. We were both still fighting with our personal problems (his temper, my insecurity), we had a lot of expenses because of the house, my saving were disappearing and we were just together since a bit more than a year!!! We did not talk about it anymore but when we were making love we were both desiring it terribly. My boyfriend was originally not the kind of attentive guy. He would dont buy gifts, nor send cards or make surprises. He was not tidy in his house, not organized. Phonecalls, emails, SMS? well, once in a while mainly for practical stuff. In summary, if you were craving of attention, he would be the guy not to date. This lacking of attentions was extremely contrasting with his behavior once together: very close to me, hughy and sweet, listening and attentive. With time (and training!) he have realized what kind of things pleased me. He buy flowers for me almost every week, loves to cook together, and make his best to keep the house tidy. From my side I have tendency to be a very organizational person, to take decisions and actions. This can be pretty invasive. Specially for a guy which is not used to hear everyday "do this like this, not like that, it is more efficient". My perfectionism can handicap other people. Sometimes after a fight I surfed the web trying to see if someone else was in the same situation as me. I love this guy, but sometimes we fight every week (sometimes not it is true). He have a lot of qualities, but this temper problem sometimes scares me. Specially after reading articles about violent men. Yes, he had trow stuff in moments of anger. No, he will not kill an ant. God knows the self-control efforts that he does sometimes to do not get upset. He have considered going to therapy, but until now there are no actions about it. He forget often stuff I tell him that he have to do, like call X or buy Y. This stress me, since if I remember him too much (control freak behavior) then he get upset, if I dont (and I let him deal with his problems like an adult), I am 80% sure he will forget, and if it is something important then the temptation to do the action for him (and save his ass) is going to be turned against me (since I did not trusted him and gave him the chance to prove he could do it). You would say "you should just let him do his stuff and occupy myself of my own business!". Yes it is true. But when I see the opportunities he is missing (for not sending on time a job application), the problems that he is having (for not sending on time that tax file), the money that is wasted (for not paying on time that bill that came back with a fine). I ask myself "do I want to be the rest of my life with someone like that?". I do not like to miss opportunities, I do not like to have problems, I do not like to lose money. I contemplate a successful future with my partner. Could I contemplate it with him? Articles in the web describing "the loser" profile fits him by 50%. (see for example http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html). They all say "run before it is too late!!". For a successful girl like me, temptation is big to think "I deserve better". But everything is not black or white. What means 'better'? Maybe the next guy will be solvent economically but a perfect cynic. And what a 'loser profile' is? We are all a bit losers and a bit successful in different areas of our lives. He loves me. A lot. He have changed. A lot. Am I an eternal unsatisfied? or should I really run 'before is too late'? Please help! a confused girl...
The Midnight Rider Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I am going to take a stab at this only because I spent the last thirty minutes reading it. Any relationship has ups, downs, twists and turns. They are never easy and require hard work and commitment. They are not for the weak or the faint of heart. If you feel you are ready, close your eyes, cross your arms and legs, hold your nose, and jump into the deep end. BUT before you jump, make sure he knows what the deal is. Secure that temper, soldier! It just causes problems in the long run. Wanna get angry? Go out and punch a tree, but don't act out negatively around you or any future children. YOU are the gate keeper of YOU and your kids. In the meantime, hang on and enjoy the ride! Aint love grand?
Fallen Angel Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I am going to take a stab at this only because I spent the last thirty minutes reading it. Any relationship has ups, downs, twists and turns. They are never easy and require hard work and commitment. They are not for the weak or the faint of heart. If you feel you are ready, close your eyes, cross your arms and legs, hold your nose, and jump into the deep end. BUT before you jump, make sure he knows what the deal is. Secure that temper, soldier! It just causes problems in the long run. Wanna get angry? Go out and punch a tree, but don't act out negatively around you or any future children. YOU are the gate keeper of YOU and your kids. In the meantime, hang on and enjoy the ride! Aint love grand? AWESOME ANSWER! BRAVO!
Author flower45 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Your grammar is horrid, though. If this is just a BF, I would say 'keep looking'. lonelyandfrustated, Fallen Angel: indeed my grammar is horrid... it is so difficult to express feelings in a language that is not your mother tong... and yes, it is just a 'boyfriend', but well, the feelings are the same you know?
Author flower45 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 I am going to take a stab at this only because I spent the last thirty minutes reading it. Any relationship has ups, downs, twists and turns. They are never easy and require hard work and commitment. They are not for the weak or the faint of heart. If you feel you are ready, close your eyes, cross your arms and legs, hold your nose, and jump into the deep end. BUT before you jump, make sure he knows what the deal is. Secure that temper, soldier! It just causes problems in the long run. Wanna get angry? Go out and punch a tree, but don't act out negatively around you or any future children. YOU are the gate keeper of YOU and your kids. In the meantime, hang on and enjoy the ride! Aint love grand? Midnight Rider, thanks for taking your time to read my (way too long) post. I feel ready yes, and I think that he knows 'what the deal is'. After reading your answer I guess that yes, I am an eternal unsatisfied, like most of our generation (20-30's). We are never happy with what we have, we want more, bigger, faster, ... sometimes without even deserving it. I was very spoiled by my last boyfriend (what an irony, the one that cheated...), and then later on, I realized that he was feeling miserable because he could not live up to my expectations... and if any relationships has ups, downs, twists and turns (specially with a tempered person), why everybody advice to 'run away' from tempered people? are those persons weak?
JumpinJimmy Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 flower45, I am going to be gentle about this. After reading your entire post, here it is. He is what he is, you must be willing to accept him as he is, with no expectations to change him. As it is, it sounds like he is changing for the better, which makes you a lucky woman. Additionally, you sound like a lucky woman to even get involved in a relationship like this because most men would run the other way with what you have descibed as your behavior...control freak syndrome, strong personality, perfectionism, a slight degree of arrogance. It takes a certain type of a "B" male personality to tolerate what you describe as yourself. You even called the guy "Ms.boyfriend"... I can tell by your post that you wear the pants in this relationship, and most likely your prior relationships as well, and if you want a man to have as a "successful future as a partner", then you are describing an "alpha" male type personality. These kind of men typically do not mesh well with your own to the point that most alpha males would not even pursue a second date with a person that has even some of your traits. If you do find an alpha male that you mesh with, he will be more successful and controlling than you and is most likely looking for a "trophy wife", with none of the grief. I hate to tell you to settle, but until you can lighten up, he may be the best your gonna get. That was the polite version, if you want the blunt one, just ask.
Author flower45 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 flower45, I am going to be gentle about this. After reading your entire post, here it is. He is what he is, you must be willing to accept him as he is, with no expectations to change him. As it is, it sounds like he is changing for the better, which makes you a lucky woman. Additionally, you sound like a lucky woman to even get involved in a relationship like this because most men would run the other way with what you have descibed as your behavior...control freak syndrome, strong personality, perfectionism, a slight degree of arrogance. It takes a certain type of a "B" male personality to tolerate what you describe as yourself. You even called the guy "Ms.boyfriend"... I can tell by your post that you wear the pants in this relationship, and most likely your prior relationships as well, and if you want a man to have as a "successful future as a partner", then you are describing an "alpha" male type personality. These kind of men typically do not mesh well with your own to the point that most alpha males would not even pursue a second date with a person that has even some of your traits. If you do find an alpha male that you mesh with, he will be more successful and controlling than you and is most likely looking for a "trophy wife", with none of the grief. I hate to tell you to settle, but until you can lighten up, he may be the best your gonna get. That was the polite version, if you want the blunt one, just ask. Wow.... you are so right. ... Please give me the blunt version and dont worry, you are just being honest.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 (edited) Well, to start you obviously don't respect the man. If you don't have mutual respect, then what filters in is what you are already showing...resentment. Resentment towards him for not living up to your standards, and resentment towards you for trying to change him. Your relationship with him is already unhealthy and unless you are ready to settle, is unlikely to be happy for either of you. Second, it sounds like this guy should be posting about you. His post could start like this "Help I have a controlling and demanding GF, help me get the F*** out!" I also have a strong personality (to no confound with strong temper) and have tendence to control everything around me (typical successful woman - control freak syndrome.With time (and training!) he have realized what kind of things pleased me.Specially for a guy which is not used to hear everyday "do this like this, not like that, it is more efficient". My perfectionism can handicap other people.He forget often stuff I tell him that he have to do, like call X or buy Y. This stress me, since if I remember him too much (control freak behavior) then he get upset, if I dont (and I let him deal with his problems like an adult), I am 80% sure he will forget, and if it is something important then the temptation to do the action for him (and save his ass) is going to be turned against me (since I did not trusted him and gave him the chance to prove he could do it). your own words....enough said. Edited October 15, 2009 by JumpinJimmy
Author flower45 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Often when people write posts in a forum to ask for advice, they give a lot of information about what is wrong in their partner behavior, actions, words, thoughts. They rarely mention they own little faults. Sometimes because they forget, or because they feel in the 'victim' side, or because they truly do not know their selves. And of course because it is always easier to blame others. We have tendency to judge other people very strongly (including our partners). Nevertheless, we are pretty mild with ourselves. If I would describe my relationship situation only mentioning the things that make me feel bad about him/ or the relationship without mentioning my own problems, the complete appreciation of the situation would be of course biased in my favor. People would advise "quit that monster!" and that's all. My intention was to be HONEST and FAIR. I am not perfect. Nobody is. I should have maybe gave more information about why sometimes I am not happy? Should I have mentioned that I spent some days crying because he hurt me intentionally? or that he have not done/offer anything for my birthday? or that he is often upset at people like waiters, or small employees and I have to be the one negotiating some solution in a civilized way, after he screw up? Should I have put myself in a more flattering view? Should I've mention that even if I have a very demanding job, I do with pleasure most of the house duties? or maybe I should have mention that when we go on holiday I pay 80-90% of the final bill? That I have worked for humanitarian organizations? Or that his family loves me? that they often count with me to help with their kids/pets/stuff. Or that I only consume bio-products, have a bike instead of a car and do community voluntary work? No I did not mention that. Because I want to be fair. Because I did not want to sell myself like a victim. I am an adult, responsible of my actions. That's all. I am having trouble with this relationship, never had this problems before. I had my good load of experience and life. But never something like this. I should have probably write my post differently, but now is too late.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Sorry flower45 that I hurt your feelings, you specifically asked for the blunt version based on what you put in the OP. .Wow.... you are so right. ... Please give me the blunt version and dont worry, you are just being honest.I am not putting you down because of who you are, I just pointing a few things out base upon how you look down upon your SO. Yes, you did not put yourself in a flattering light. You sound like an outstanding person, and I am sure you are, but it doesn't mean that you are going to attract the kind of mate you desire with just being an outstanding person. Relationships are give and take, but not 50/50. Someone has to take the 51% role to make the relationship work, and in your case, you have the 51% with your SO and the rest of your LTR's. This tells me that you do not nurture relationships with "A" personality men...you know the 51% type, well I am one of those 51% types, and of course I am not going to respond well to your OP. Most 51% men are not going to mesh with a 51% woman, because they fight over control. You remind me alot of my sister, she is an outstanding successful woman, but if I were married to someone like her, we would kill each other.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Flower, it seems that we ran off track with our discussion. Back to your OP, it does sound like your SO has a anger management issue. He may be re-directing his resentment in the realationship/failures in his personal life and taking it out on other people etc. It certainly does not excuse it, but it might help explain it. Instead of IC only for him, pehaps there are some type of anger management courses offered somewhere in your comminity. I am sure that the IC will address the root causes of his anger and the anger management may give him the tools to help deal with his anger at the same time. As far the "loser test" goes, unfortunately a large percentage of the male population will be positive on couple of the points, ie the "mean and sweet cycle", "quick attatchment","frightening temper", but scoring about a 50% on it does not bode well.
jmargel Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Often when people write posts in a forum to ask for advice, they give a lot of information about what is wrong in their partner behavior, actions, words, thoughts. They rarely mention they own little faults. Sometimes because they forget, or because they feel in the 'victim' side, or because they truly do not know their selves. And of course because it is always easier to blame others. We have tendency to judge other people very strongly (including our partners). Nevertheless, we are pretty mild with ourselves. If I would describe my relationship situation only mentioning the things that make me feel bad about him/ or the relationship without mentioning my own problems, the complete appreciation of the situation would be of course biased in my favor. People would advise "quit that monster!" and that's all. My intention was to be HONEST and FAIR. I am not perfect. Nobody is. I should have maybe gave more information about why sometimes I am not happy? Should I have mentioned that I spent some days crying because he hurt me intentionally? or that he have not done/offer anything for my birthday? or that he is often upset at people like waiters, or small employees and I have to be the one negotiating some solution in a civilized way, after he screw up? Should I have put myself in a more flattering view? Should I've mention that even if I have a very demanding job, I do with pleasure most of the house duties? or maybe I should have mention that when we go on holiday I pay 80-90% of the final bill? That I have worked for humanitarian organizations? Or that his family loves me? that they often count with me to help with their kids/pets/stuff. Or that I only consume bio-products, have a bike instead of a car and do community voluntary work? No I did not mention that. Because I want to be fair. Because I did not want to sell myself like a victim. I am an adult, responsible of my actions. That's all. I am having trouble with this relationship, never had this problems before. I had my good load of experience and life. But never something like this. I should have probably write my post differently, but now is too late. Flower, Sounds like the insecurity due to your past relationship and the lack of affections and consideration in this current relationship is getting you to think if this is the right relationship you should be in. Your situation is kind of like mine. My wife, in the beginning was affectionate had alot of consideration and interest in me. We got married after about 1 1/2 years of knowing each other (way too early) and her 'true' side came out. The lack of affection and consideration plays a big part on whether a relationship is going to last. A relationship need to be 100% from both sides in all aspects and when it becomes lop-sided then that's when things break apart. What I can tell you is from my own personal experience is that any issues you have now get magnified by 10 after you get married. If these issues are not dealt with before then you will be in a miserable marriage. Yes, it might be good for the first six months but he will slowly go back into his old habits. Whether counseling will help depends on the person. If he wants to go to change for himeself, it will help. If he's going to make you happy or to go for the relationship then it won't. His motivation has to be within' himself to go. You can be lonely and not be alone. If this is what you are feeling then that's a red flag that you are missing something major from this relationship.
Author flower45 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Sorry flower45 that I hurt your feelings, you specifically asked for the blunt version based on what you put in the OP. .I am not putting you down because of who you are, I just pointing a few things out base upon how you look down upon your SO. Yes, you did not put yourself in a flattering light. You sound like an outstanding person, and I am sure you are, but it doesn't mean that you are going to attract the kind of mate you desire with just being an outstanding person. Relationships are give and take, but not 50/50. Someone has to take the 51% role to make the relationship work, and in your case, you have the 51% with your SO and the rest of your LTR's. This tells me that you do not nurture relationships with "A" personality men...you know the 51% type, well I am one of those 51% types, and of course I am not going to respond well to your OP. Most 51% men are not going to mesh with a 51% woman, because they fight over control. You remind me alot of my sister, she is an outstanding successful woman, but if I were married to someone like her, we would kill each other. You are right. I ask for the blunt version. I got it. I just wanted to state the things in a bit more in a fair way. It is difficult to give the complete picture of something so complex as a relationship. I have realized indeed that some colleagues and friends (kind of alfa males that you described) are often looking for these "trophy beautiful stupid girls" that you mention. It is funny, because then they come to me to complain of how 'basic, simple, stupid' (their words) their girlfriends are. And when I tell them "well, next time found yourself a hottie with brains" they look at me with big eyes saying "god! brains and good looking? No way, it would be like being with you!". In that moments I dont know if I should cry, or smile.... Sometimes I think that if I would be a less complex person, and with less character, my life would be much easier. Sometimes I almost envy the "trophy beautiful stupid girls", nice and passive, sweet and superficial. Life at least would be much simpler.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 \rant on I'm you, flower. I'm married to one of THEM, who want a woman who can take care of things (so they don't have to), but still want to be considered THE MAN. Man up, guys. MAN UP. /rant
Author flower45 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Flower, it seems that we ran off track with our discussion. Back to your OP, it does sound like your SO has a anger management issue. He may be re-directing his resentment in the realationship/failures in his personal life and taking it out on other people etc. It certainly does not excuse it, but it might help explain it. Instead of IC only for him, pehaps there are some type of anger management courses offered somewhere in your comminity. I am sure that the IC will address the root causes of his anger and the anger management may give him the tools to help deal with his anger at the same time. As far the "loser test" goes, unfortunately a large percentage of the male population will be positive on couple of the points, ie the "mean and sweet cycle", "quick attatchment","frightening temper", but scoring about a 50% on it does not bode well. yep. I have hear about the 'anger management' issue before. I have found in our city a couple of institutes that can help, even gave him the links. But nothing happened. I will not force him to go, because these kind of problems have to faced personally and voluntarily. He have to be the one moving his ass to make an appointment, to go there, and why not to pay for it! (I was willing to pay, imagine how desperate I was....). I am a very pragmatic person, and I say myself 'well, ok you have this X problem, it is not the end of the world. Lest solve-it now, lets do something about it'. But he is not like that. He would just wait/forget/do nothing, and expect the stuff is going to solve by itself. Then we have a fight, he goes crazy, I cry, and we found ourselves in the step zero again. The exception to this rule happened 3 weeks ago: we had a BIG fight on the road, and he begun driving crazy. I fear for my life. I stop talking and crying and ask him to stop. He parked, and there I told him very seriously that I was not going to pay longuer the consequences for his anger s**t problem. I explained him that I did not feel safe anymore with him, and that I would take a bus to come back to the city. I did it, and 10 min later he was calling me crying, and excusing and telling me that he could not live without me and all the bla bla bla, to finally ask me where he could pick me up. I hear everything and explain him again my reasoning. I came back home and I found him very very serious and upset. I think he believe I was going to quit him. Instead of that we had a long conversation and he promised me to work in himself to find the reasons that make him upset and to find a way to deal with the frustration that lead to anger. It have being 3 weeks since and he is reaaaaally making a huge effort. It almost hurt to see how bad, how strongly he have to fight with himself. It had happened a couple of times that something upset him and you could see that he was trying to breath better, to dont walk away, to communicate his feelings. Well, I do not know how long this is going to work, but at least now he is trying. I would of course prefer counseling or therapy or some neutral person to take care of this, but it is better than nothing... in that 'losers' test (http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html) he scores in number 2,3,4,6,8,13 and 16... I know that is way too much. Yesterday I bring this test to the conversation and I propose that we both make it. I was surprised and shocked to learn that for him I scored 5 numbers as well....
Author flower45 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Flower, Sounds like the insecurity due to your past relationship and the lack of affections and consideration in this current relationship is getting you to think if this is the right relationship you should be in. Maybe... ... What I can tell you is from my own personal experience is that any issues you have now get magnified by 10 after you get married. ..... If he wants to go to change for himeself, it will help. If he's going to make you happy or to go for the relationship then it won't. His motivation has to be within' himself to go. That's why I want to solve this stuff NOW. It is already making my life miserable. I have being explaining him that whatever he do, he have to do it for HIMSELF. I will of course benefit if he deals with his temper better, but it will mainly improve his quality of life, his environment, colleagues, friends, they will all benefit! It is a question of becoming a better person, whenever I will be here or not to enjoy it in the future... You can be lonely and not be alone. If this is what you are feeling then that's a red flag that you are missing something major from this relationship. I do not feel lonely luckily. Specially since I get so much feedback from you guys and girls!
jmargel Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Maybe... That's why I want to solve this stuff NOW. It is already making my life miserable. I have being explaining him that whatever he do, he have to do it for HIMSELF. I will of course benefit if he deals with his temper better, but it will mainly improve his quality of life, his environment, colleagues, friends, they will all benefit! It is a question of becoming a better person, whenever I will be here or not to enjoy it in the future... I do not feel lonely luckily. Specially since I get so much feedback from you guys and girls! Yes but he wants to have to goto counseling and you, me and everyone else can see the benefits, but perhaps he can't or doesn't have enough inner motivation to goto counseling. He can try to resolve it on his own like he's doing, but good chance it won't work and it's only a matter of time before he has another episode. And feeling lonely, I meant with him. We're glad you are on here talking to us, but we aren't a replacement for him, as you know. It's not your responsiblity to make him happy, he has to do that for himself. That's too much to put on another's shoulders.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I am a very pragmatic person, and I say myself 'well, ok you have this X problem, it is not the end of the world. Lest solve-it now, lets do something about it'. But he is not like that. He would just wait/forget/do nothing, and expect the stuff is going to solve by itself. He is definitely shelving the real issues here. He doesn't want to face them for one of several reasons, the most likely is which he doesn't want to acknowledge his anger issue. we had a BIG fight on the road, and he begun driving crazy. I fear for my life. That is a major issue. You have every right to feel safe in your relationship with him, and demand that he stop this behavior immediately, or you will leave him. in that 'losers' test ([COLOR=#660000]http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/4...ingLosers.html[/COLOR]) he scores in number 2,3,4,6,8,13 and 16... I know that is way too much. Yesterday I bring this test to the conversation and I propose that we both make it. I was surprised and shocked to learn that for him I scored 5 numbers as well.. I agree that it is way too much. 2,6, and 8 are very broad and can describe alot of normal human behavior and relationships, but 3,4,13 and 16 are red flags. Since you had 5 numbers, perhaps you can get him into joint counseling and learn about your behaviors together.? If he doesn't eagerly want to improve his relationshipe with you and address his anger issues, then you should consider moving on. Jmargel stated that problems are magnified 10X once you are married, while not always true, I believe that problems of this nature definitely are. BTW, since you revealed more about yourself and relationship, it does not sound like you're too "exigent"(demanding).
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Hello everybody. I must say that I am highly educated and independent economically. For someone so educated please work on your grammar..... Took me three tries to get through the post..... Not sure if you'll ever be happy...... Not much more to say....
EarthGirl Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 For someone so educated please work on your grammar..... Took me three tries to get through the post..... Not sure if you'll ever be happy...... Not much more to say.... too damn, I think she already said that English is not her first language. she certainly speaks it better than I speak any other language.
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