tryagaintoday Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 If you cheated... chances are it wasn't that great to begin with. Let me share a secret with you... people don't cheat when they are afraid of losing their current relationship. It's when they feel the consequences are no longer there that they begin to stray. Oh, our relationship isn't that great anymore. What should I do? Oh I know! Let me cheat. That'll solved it! Yeah!
RedDevil66 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Yes, one should tell My friend has cheated on her BF of 19 yrs more times than I can count. She treats him like cr@p also. She has never told him. This poor guy has no clue he dines with men she slept with. Now she hits me with she is marrying him in Jan. She would never tell because she is a soul sucker and coward.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Yes, one should tell My friend has cheated on her BF of 19 yrs more times than I can count. She treats him like cr@p also. She has never told him. This poor guy has no clue he dines with men she slept with. Now she hits me with she is marrying him in Jan. She would never tell because she is a soul sucker and coward.In that case, that's just sick. But I was referring mainly if it was a one time occasion and they really are guilty about it...... Yes some people do it once only but never tell... So if they don't tell, that's their decision, why trashed them with your so called ''Straight-laced morals'' into them. It's clearly they won't listen...
boldjack Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Samsung, when a person is on an anti-honesty crusade like you are, You can juxtaspose the questions to get the answers you want, so why post at all. If people say that they would tell, then you attack their honesty. If they say that they would not tell you praise them. We get it, you don't believe in honesty. Ok, already.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Samsung, when a person is on an anti-honesty crusade like you are, You can juxtaspose the questions to get the answers you want, so why post at all. If people say that they would tell, then you attack their honesty. If they say that they would not tell you praise them. We get it, you don't believe in honesty. Ok, already.Well you don't have to get all sarcastic and uptighty, touchy about it... And this is a free forum where I can post how I feel.. So by your logic, it makes it sound that posters should only ask for help only if they have told the BS about it? Or post only if you are one of those that are into telling the truth nothing but the truth?? And no I never say I praise those that don't tell, stop inventing things not in my thread... I only stated the other side in the other.. because I'm curious about seeing it from all angles into it and not just a typical ''Dexter Morgan'' straight-laced nothing but honesty view........ If you're one that tells, ok good for you, do what you think it's right for you... It's just me seeing all sides in the story...
boldjack Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Samsung, In your posts, you qualify, excuse, change the equation to get the answers you want. That is not looking at all sides, that is an actual bias. I don't know about Dexter Morgan , and don't care. If you believe that honesty is "straight-laced', or old-fashioned", mention that to your employer, the next time you talk, I'm pretty sure he/she won't see it that way. Mention it to your local lawyer or Judge, I think they will not agree with you. It's not always about "form over substance". Believe it or not, it's a very good thing to mean what you say and say what you mean. Unlike the lying, guilt -ridden, selfishness, exhibited by some posters, the main question is quite simple. Do you want to build (or re-build)a marriage on love, respect and integrity, or do you want to fail by being deceitful, disrespectful and selfish. Answer it yourself. I already have. BTW, I was a MM and an OM, but I am intelligent and learned.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I'm not entirely sure you would want to be the one lied to, Samsung. Sorry, but if it were the other way around, would you want to know about it so you can make a reasoned decision about your future? The cheater loses the right to have that choice as soon as they get into bed with another person. No offence, but I can't see the logic in hiding it. Ok, it was a one-time thing, you never have any intention of doing it again, are truly remorseful, and there are many cases wherein the cheater never tells, never does it again. Grand. But what about those that choose not to tell, and keep doing it because they get away with it? In the end, you're only willing to look at that one scenerio, when really, the most likely scenario is that they will keep doing it. People give this bullcrap about it's unfair to unload your guilt onto someone else, it is, but it's doubly unfair to leave them totally in the dark about their own future. They have a right to choose if you are worth it or not. Many people, such as 'Dexter Morgan' have written that what hurt the most was being kept in the dark, if they had known straight away, they could have made a decision and maybe sorted things through. When you lie, and hide things, it makes it increasingly difficult for that person to trust you and respect you, because when the time comes for them to find out, they've wasted 'X' amount of time with the person that hurt them. I have cybercheated, I hold my hands up. It happened a couple of times, I was so beyond wrong. I told my bf, whom I am still with. We worked on it. He appreciated the honesty, he knew what it took for me to be honest, a lot. It was what I owed him if I am fair. Would I want to know? Hell yes. It would kill, but it would mean I knew exactly what I was with. The problem is, I now think if he did it to me, I'd have no right to a say, but that's by the by. Admitting you have a problem, examining the consequence of that problem and resolving it is the only way for a R to work.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 I'm not entirely sure you would want to be the one lied to, Samsung. Sorry, but if it were the other way around, would you want to know about it so you can make a reasoned decision about your future?I did stated before, I would want to know if it dealt with a disease he was giving me or he got another woman pregnant. If it's a drunkard kiss, online thing then no don't even bother telling. As for me getting to decide about my future, yes it would be over right away, by either way.. finding out, catching them, them confessing.. same result.. it's over.... I have cybercheatedOk I don't consider anything done online cheating but ok, it's base on what were the rules in your relationship. Good you guys worked it out and if he were to cheat, you don't have to excuse the behavior. You can still walk away if he want to. Just because you went off, doesn't mean he has the ''free card'' to cheat and expect to be taken back.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I see that. I guess a kiss or something like that shouldn't necessarily come into it, or whatever. Have you ever seen the movie 'Closer' with Clive Owen and Julia Roberts? It's very interesting on the cheating aspect of relationships, Clive Owen's character (can't remember the name) admits to sleeping with another woman while away on business, Julia Roberts (again can't remember name) turns to him and says 'why are you telling me?' She genuinely didn't want to know. It depends on the circumstances I suppose. If I were to sleep with a guy, unprotected, actually just sleep with a guy at all, then I would tell him. I've seen both sides, my friend who cheated who didn't confess all, and me, who did, I know how it feels to unload like that. Sometimes it's the right thing, he always said he preferred it that I told him through the hurt, despite the pain I caused, he respected me far more than if he had found out some other way.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I have cybercheated, I hold my hands up. It happened a couple of times, I was so beyond wrong. I told my bf, whom I am still with. We worked on it. He appreciated the honesty, he knew what it took for me to be honest, a lot. It was what I owed him if I am fair. exactly, and you gave him the power to make a decision on how he wants to proceed with his life. he chose you and you didn't make him feel like he wasted years of his life by not telling and possibly finding out years later. because if he had found out years later, he would have felt manipulated, and wasted some of the best years of his life. instead, you told him and gave him the power and choice. kudos
Dexter Morgan Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Ok I don't consider anything done online cheating but ok thats because you cybercheated too, of course you don't want to think its cheating. Good you guys worked it out and if he were to cheat, you don't have to excuse the behavior. You can still walk away if he want to. Just because you went off, doesn't mean he has the ''free card'' to cheat and expect to be taken back. so let me get this straight....he forgave her for her bad choice.....would he not deserve the same if he did it? I agree, it does not give him a free pass, but this was also parroted by someone else on this thread that thinks they deserved to be given a 2nd chance, but if the shoe were on the other foot, a 2nd chance is a load of crap all of a sudden. in other words, 2nd chances are deserved when "I" screw up.....but not when "you" screw up.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 The thing with honesty is, that if it leaves the relationship, the relationship may as well be dead. Sure, it kills to say it, to own up, to risk, but when you commit the act, you pay the price. If you can't be honest and give them the respect, there's seriously no point. Treat others as you wish to be treat yourself and all that jazz. I would give him a free pass, once. Not if he slept with someone else, because that wasn't what I did. But if I found out he kissed someone else, went a little bit further, I guess it would be my dues. But then, I guess I wouldn't want someone who would do that for revenge, to spite me. It would make me think that he just stayed for that, for his hoots. Admitting a wrong is hard, what's harder is living with it, under your hat. You can't lie to yourself, see.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 thats because you cybercheated too, of course you don't want to think its cheating.Not really.. That was even when I was single and with no experience as well. Fact if I go back 3 years ago I did once told my boyfriend that he can cam with or do things online with other women and it's not cheating to me. Wasn't into it but ok, I respect that.. . If I were to caught him at it, it would be kool so I can now join in on the cam/cyber site as I watch him.... so let me get this straight....he forgave her for her bad choice.....would he not deserve the same if he did it? in other words, 2nd chances are deserved when "I" screw up.....but not when "you" screw up.What I mean mainly is that if he cheats and she decides not to forgive him then he should not like like ''Well I forgave you, I'm not taken back, now fair''. If she wants to leave because of his cheating, then she can. If she wants to work it out then she can do but he can't be like ''You cheated too, remember''. That won't do...
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