samsungxoxo Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 If you were the one who cheated would you really tell? I mean all of you have stated nothing but tell the OP but I'm sure some chose not to and still have a life. I don't think I would tell. For what, so I can pass a burden to the person and put a bitter taste in his future relationships?? I don't think so unless someone were to blackmail me into it. Would I want to know? Only if it has to do with endangering my health than yes, otherwise no. Plus what's the difference if the OP breaks ups whether you tell or not, you still did it, it's not like it's gonna get something good from it.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Again, I don't understand your use of "OP," but yes - I would tell. I cheated on my SOB cheater XH at the tail-end of our marriage. I told him about it. Why? HONESTLY - at the time, I thought that maybe we could still fix things and the only way to do that was by clearing the air. If you want to move forward and keep the relationship, then I think it's wise to tell your SO. But I guess if you plan to break up with them anyway (and don't want to poison the well, so to speak), then sure - don't tell them. But out of respect for an SO you plan to keep - yes, I think it's a good idea to tell them. Give them the option of whether or not to stay with you.
Bejita463 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I would not tell, because I would not do it in the first place to have anything to tell about. If I did however, I truly do believe that the only honorable thing to do is to at least let the person who's trust I've betrayed know what I have done. More than once in my life I have done what I felt was the right thing to do. The right thing; not the right thing for me.
tryagaintoday Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 samsungxoxo, a friend of mine has the same thinking as you. He brought up a good analogy which got us thinking. He said just imagine if your parents are in their last years and all the while the son/daughter which they think so highly of was in actual fact a bastard/whore (for example). Will you tell them this fact? To me, I will tell. Because I was brought up by a 'samurai' like father and he taught me the value of loyalty, of owning up if a mistake was made.
Author samsungxoxo Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 Yup that's a good anology alright. In that case, I would keep it to myself. I know for sure my father would simply not want anything to do with me if I were a whore. What girl's father would want to know that?? The use of OP was just an illustration of how I see things from my point of view and what I would do in that case.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Yup that's a good anology alright. In that case, I would keep it to myself. I know for sure my father would simply not want anything to do with me if I were a whore. What girl's father would want to know that?? The use of OP was just an illustration of how I see things from my point of view and what I would do in that case. Yes, I would tell. Why? Because I've done the Not Telling before, and it wasn't fair... and caused major suckage later in the relationship. Not telling is the selfish route, because your just trying to avoid consequences. Oh... wait your sparing your partner the pain... right? Whatever, it hurts for a time... but then they heal and move on. Or... you could not tell, and make damn sure your partner never gets a chance to choose what kind of partner they want. I'm sure that option appeals to all of the control freaks out there.
seibert253 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Tell, the sooner the better. Remember, it's not the act, but the coverup that dooms you. If two people know a "secret", it will only remain a "secret" until the other person tells. You, have no control over who the other person will talk to. I'll give you an example. On another board I belong to, a man whose been married for 23 years, just found out his wife cheated on him several times after they first got married. Now for 20 years, his wife remained true, and he thought he had the perfect marriage, kids, home, financial stability, then BAM! He finds out from a third party what his wife did 20 years ago. He confronts her and eventually, she confesses the truth. Guess what, his marriage is falling apart. Not because of the initial affairs, but because of the 20 years of lies and cover up by his "perfect wife". So, initial infidelity is bad enough, but if you compound it with a time period of lies and cover up, it compounds the problem tenfold. A wise man once said if you've got bad news, get it out early. It makes damage control easier. It's really true.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 The use of OP was just an illustration of how I see things from my point of view and what I would do in that case. No - my question was, what do you think "OP" stands for? Because I'm having a hard time understanding your posts without knowing what you think it stands for. I asked this question in your other thread where you use "OP."
Author samsungxoxo Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 No - my question was, what do you think "OP" stands for? Because I'm having a hard time understanding your posts without knowing what you think it stands for. I asked this question in your other thread where you use "OP."It stands for the other person meaning your spouse or SO. I better say it SO. LOL, no point on that one.
Author samsungxoxo Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Whatever, it hurts for a time... but then they heal and move on.Right and then it's never the same again so what's the point? Or if you tell, do it to break up and not trying to fix it. There is nothing to fix, telling or not telling. It's shattered to pieced in both ways..
boldjack Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Samsung, I was a serial cheater, and yes I told......every one, husband and BF. I had found the one woman for me, how could I go into my marriage with all of that cheating and all of those lies, unspoken. Did it hurt?, yes, would I do it again? yes. I cared nothing for the women, married or single that I screwed, I did care for my wife. She knew about my past and nothing less than full openess and honesty would suffice, for her . Some (a surprising number of H's and BF'S) already knew or suspected. Some marriages/ relationships ended, some were already done, and some survived, but every one knew the truth, and had the information to make intelligent decisions about their respective futures.
Author samsungxoxo Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Wow that's a story.. serial cheater. Ok if you fixed yourself and learn from it, good. So she recovered from it? I guess I never been in that position and don't think I will ever be.. But I don't want to say never....
boldjack Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 TRyagin, If you are going to argue a point, use realistic arguments, instead of a subjective fantasy. Your whole analogy has only one answer, the answer you wanted it to have. It's like playing poker and dealing yourself a flush first , then dealing the other cards, to guarantee your self the win. How about using facts;).
boldjack Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 No, my first wife and I divorced, but she would have stayed, if I had wanted her to. I was talking about my second/present wife.
tryagaintoday Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 TRyagin, If you are going to argue a point, use realistic arguments, instead of a subjective fantasy. Your whole analogy has only one answer, the answer you wanted it to have. It's like playing poker and dealing yourself a flush first , then dealing the other cards, to guarantee your self the win. How about using facts;). Yup, I see your point. That's why I told the friend whom bring up this analog that "unless she is going to kill me soon, then yeah, it's real nice of her to keep her affair from me." But no, she is coward that wants to keep the affair while staying with me. I live with it for three months until I couldn't take it any longer and confronted her. She tried denying time and time again. Even now, she is still running...
skylarblue Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Honesty…? When it’ll cause me any kind of detriment (i.e. losing my R)…? No… I’ll pass. Sorry, I would not tell. I’ve been in the situation before and did not tell my SO.
liam.judge Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 If it was me, i'd just own up to it and get it off my conscience.
Author samsungxoxo Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 (edited) You know, if it wasn't for the ''STD's'' saga, witnesses there present, a woman getting pregnant by OM or man getting OW pregnant .......I'm sure many more would not tell. Honesty all the time, lol. It's not like this a jurisdiction or being threatened to get killed if you don't tell the truth.... I still keep my view, no I would not tell if I were to cheat and knew there was no way of him finding out. On the other way would I want to know? Only if it deals with catching diseases or OW getting pregnant... Edited October 31, 2009 by samsungxoxo
harmfulsweetz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Many people choose to not tell. Well, I'm not sure it's fair if you've slept with someone else. They have a right to know. You don't have the right to decide whether or not they stay with you. To the detriment of yourself, Skylar? Well, you would have done that yourself in the first place, would you not? I'm not all high and mighty, I have cheated. (A kiss but all the same.) You have to move past the whole, well, if they don't find out elsewhere it doesn't matter. It does. That person has a right to be able to know the kind of person they are with, and decide if they are still able to be with them. Sorry. I had a friend who cheated on her bf (now ex) five times. Actually, let me rephrase that, with five different men, more than five times. She told the once, but kept on doing it to him. Sometimes with people he knew. She ended the relationship, because he was blind to her. He forgave the first time, because well, he believed she was sorry and wouldn't do it again. A couple of weeks after telling him, she was back at that lad's house doing god knows what. Fact is, the minute she went back to the lad, she should have rightfully told him. She never told him again. And many of the men she did it with, well, they were her friends and were allowed in the home they shared. Had she been honest from the get go, and allowed him to end it, instead of pretending to be sorry etc etc, he could have moved on to someone better.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Had she been honest from the get go, and allowed him to end it, instead of pretending to be sorry etc etc, he could have moved on to someone better.That's a sad case of an unemotional cake eater. I forgot to mentioned that I was mainly referring to those that cheated once and they're fully regretting it but chose not to tell.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 There are those that do it once, hate themselves for it, and never do it again, but don't tell. I'm not saying I can't understand the logic in that. I can. But you're playing with fire if you think they are never going to find out. If they did, how would you then explain it to them? Wouldn't it be far better coming from you? A relationship borne out of a lie, is no relationship at all. That's not high and mighty, but many relationships survive infidelity so long as you are honest, and genuinely sorry.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 many relationships survive infidelity so long as you are honest, and genuinely sorry.Yes some will work out with the person that cheated but it will not be the same anymore. So in either direction whether they know it and still stay in the relationship or if the cheater never tells, it's still not the same. If they find out, they already know a different part of you and so will not think the same as the day they met you, now they will always have one eye open. On the other hand, if they are kept in the dark, you are left with guilt and have to look at them in the eyes as if nothing happened, preventing them from knowing that part of you that acted out in fear of their pain... So it's like you're trapped in either way.... Only as much as counseling or marriage therapist, nothing can bring it back to 100% trust and ground zero.. You're trapped as well..
harmfulsweetz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 In all honesty, that would be the cheater's fault, wouldn't it? They may never get it back, because of what they chose to do.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 In all honesty, that would be the cheater's fault, wouldn't it? They may never get it back, because of what they chose to do.Yes very true which is why walking away and finding someone new is the best option for the sake of both the cheater and cheatee...
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Right and then it's never the same again so what's the point? Or if you tell, do it to break up and not trying to fix it. There is nothing to fix, telling or not telling. It's shattered to pieced in both ways.. If you cheated... chances are it wasn't that great to begin with. Let me share a secret with you... people don't cheat when they are afraid of losing their current relationship. It's when they feel the consequences are no longer there that they begin to stray. Honesty…? When it’ll cause me any kind of detriment (i.e. losing my R)…? No… I’ll pass. Sorry, I would not tell. I’ve been in the situation before and did not tell my SO. That shows what kind of person you are. Could you be more selfish? Yes some will work out with the person that cheated but it will not be the same anymore. So in either direction whether they know it and still stay in the relationship or if the cheater never tells, it's still not the same. If they find out, they already know a different part of you and so will not think the same as the day they met you, now they will always have one eye open. On the other hand, if they are kept in the dark, you are left with guilt and have to look at them in the eyes as if nothing happened, preventing them from knowing that part of you that acted out in fear of their pain... So it's like you're trapped in either way.... Only as much as counseling or marriage therapist, nothing can bring it back to 100% trust and ground zero.. You're trapped as well.. Isn't that what we seek in a relationship? Someone to know us, and love us despite our warts and bumps? Sorry, but BoldJack is right. If you can't be honest... you will never change, nor will you ever truely know what love is.
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