girlie908 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 hey all thanks for taking the time to read this. i've been really confused lately. me and my ex had a pretty tumultuous relationship, that lasted the 4 years we were in college together. we both knew it was ending however, when i moved across the world to another country for medical school. that was in may. he saw me off, and with no conversation about the future, we said our goodbyes. fast forward to september. we did not keep in touch at all, except for a few emails when i first arrived. i had to go back to the us for my cousin's wedding, which he also happened to be attending. i knew it would be strange since we hadn't talked, but tried to think nothing of it. i missed him and his friendship, but since we hadn't talked in forever i didn't know what to think this meeting would be like. so i first see him, it was awkward. he shakes my hand, we casually chitchat and he hangs around my cousin whom he is good friends w/. later that day however, we talk more, flirt, and end up hooking up. we continue hooking up for the rest of the trip. not only that, we act couplely, and affectionate towards one another, and my whole family thinks we are back together. yet we don't talk about it. but right before i leave, he talks about how unfortunate it would be if he had a girlfriend, since she'd be the 5th priority on his priorities list. i kind of just nod since he already knows that me being in medical school is my top priority, and that i barely have enough time to breathe let alone try to get serious with someone. i was only in the us for 5 days, and he stayed with my family the entire time, leaving his family and friends to ask where he was. he dropped me off at the airport saying keep in touch. i say i've heard that before, and he says that no we will. i try to think nothing of this encounter since we didn't discuss anything for the future or relationships, knowing that we have hooked up before no strings attached. when i arrive back home in the other country, i see an email from him. after an exchange of a couple of emails he talks about a line in this song that states "time will tell the real end to our story," and said that it was fitting and relates to us. i don't really respond since i dont like talking about our relationship or putting myself into a compromising position. i start questioning why he is keeping in touch when he hadn't before, and where this is going. i love being friends again, and it's nice keeping in touch, but i don't want to fall for him again if he is just playing games with me. what do you guys think? we are still emailing, and we have chatted online a couple of times. the last time for 4 hours straight, and he brought up our past relationship a lot. he even mentioned me "giving him a massage" when i visit the us again in december. do u think he's just stringing me along for fun, or genuinely just wants to keep in touch with me? do you think this could lead to anything in the future? we both have our own priorities which are important to us, and being super-long distance has me to believe that this will eventually fade or be too difficult to play out. any input is welcome. thanks guys =)
EricaH329 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I'm in a similar situation with my ex. We both know we cannot be together right now, the timing is just terrible... but we are attempting to be friends. Although, every time we talk, we talk about our past relationship, and he's mentioned several times that he is not going to get into another relationship until he leaves the military, in which he wants to be with me again. He tells me all the time that he loves me, and he will never love another person. I am telling you this from experience, do not continue to remain friends with him if it's based on the hope that you two will be together again one day. I've already told my ex several times that I am not waiting, and he does not expect me to, but for some reason he won't let go of the fact that "we will be together again one day". If you can honestly just be friends with him, then in my opinion, that's all that you should be. But it sounds to me like you will have a difficult time just remaining friends with him.
trueblue72ny Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 i think he probably genuinely wants to keep in touch with you. it sounds like you both like each other. but you cant be with each other since you are super-long distance. im sure it kind of makes expectations hard, ya know?? so i am sure you both will keep in touch, and time will tell if you just wind up as friends, or otherwise they say timing is important.
jlr Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Yeah, I'm learning that timing is a huge factor in love. My ex and I were together for 5 years. After the breakup, we started hanging out again, ended up sleeping together. She got confused. We stopped talking. She started seeing another guy, it went nowhere. Now, after 5 months of not seeing her, and basically no real contact, she pops up again. She wants to be friends. But it doesn't feel like friends. She says she doesn't know what the future holds for us, but she needs to work on her right now. I don't want to hold hope because I've done it before, but I feel like, for once, she's starting to wake up on some things. I feel like friends is a front for her to feel it all out. The label of friends protects her. Of course, even if we do get another chance, it won't be for a while, since she needs to take time to be alone with herself. It's like, wtf, we love each other, it's clear - but it's bad timing. Too many other things are clouding it all up.
Author girlie908 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 so yes, me and my ex are still emailing each other quite frequently. we also chat on aim and text occasionally (yes across the world!). it's so crazy tho bc i am really glad to have him back in my life. he was a great friend of mine, and we have been through a lot together, and understand each other pretty much to the T. but i am scared. and conflicted. i care about this boy a lot, but part of me is wondering why would he or I put so much effort into this "friendship"? yes i know friends do keep in touch quite often, but if i know my ex, he is the very independent type, and is often very bad at keeping in touch w/ people who aren't directly in front of him (maybe it's something he's working on?) but he seems to be working hard to keep in touch w/ me. he claims to hate going on aim, but whenever we chat on it, we talk for hours. he even once basically told me he only goes online to talk to me. we update each other on our lives almost constantly, and are actually nice to one another. something sweet he recently did for me was that since i live in a the pacific islands, i don't get to experience fall anymore, so he took a bunch of nice foliage pictures that i know took a lot of time and effort. and i know that he doesn't do this kind of stuff for just anyone. but this is where i am confused and scared. i know i care about him a lot, i really do. but realistically, i live 8000 miles away, and am only 22. why commit to someone who i have a pretty crazy past with? it's true, everytime i see him, sparks fly, but does that ever go away? so as an effort on my part to protect myself, i have told him multiple times 1) i'm too busy for a relationship 2) i don't trust hoebags (when we were in the grey..we slept together but still talked to/hooked up with other ppl..it was a sticky situation) 3) frequently call him "friend" and my "bfffffl". yet sometimes we talk about relationships in general. he tries to convince me that he was awesome as a boyfriend and jokingly says that i am missing out. i don't respond to it. although we keep in touch quite often, we have never said the words "i miss u" or talked about second chances, or even us being romantic ever again, so this is why i'm confused on whether we are just good friends or not. am i being dumb or what? i do this just because in the past, i ALWAYS wore my heart on my sleeve. i would always say that i missed him, that i wanted to be with him, even when we were in "the grey". now i'm just not willing to put myself out there anymore even though the feelings are still there. is this bad? oh and if someone can decipher this for me that would be great. we were talking once and he said his favorite line from a song was "you tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again." and he said that he could definitely relate to it. i joked around about it but then asked him to explain. he said he was tired and then said he was going to bed. anyways, i have considered going no contact a couple of times. but i mean, all we're doing is keeping in touch right? so many times i have wanted to tell him i missed him, even as just a friend, but i hold myself back, not knowing/almost not wanting to know the response. i'm going back home in dec for 3 weeks for my winter vacation. he knows, and was pretty adamant about knowing when i would be home, if i had exams before i left, how long i was staying, etc... and has even alluded to us hanging out when i am home, but no actual plans just yet. do u think he would honestly be putting in all this effort for a booty call when i come home? i know he was talking to a girl before i went home in sept, but after i left he stopped talking to her even though i think she realllly liked him. do you guys think i should just keep things light, and see where this goes when i go home? is it even worth it because of the distance? sorry this is really long. but any input is really appreciated =)
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but you can't be friends with your ex. Not permanently, anyway. One person will always like the other person just a little bit more, and something's always going to happen to pull you apart. Sometimes staying friends with your ex can hold you back from establishing a real relationship. In the case of the OP, it sounds like he (her exboyfriend) doesn't know what the hell he wants. He probably wakes up knowing that things can't ever work out between them, and feels compelled to tell her... and then later the same night he feels pangs of regret and loss that make him do stupid stuff like send song lyrics and ask for a massage. In short, he's confused. And while he's like this? He'll never be able to establish ANY significant type of relationship with anyone else. The OP seems pretty mature about the situation, and sees it for what it is: a NSA hookup from time to time, with no expectations. Even that can't go on forever. Either you'll get a new boyfriend or he'll get a new girlfriend and neither one of these people will be okay with your friendship. In fact, they're going to hate it. If you can't be together, it's probably better not to continue the friendship. It kinda gets in the way of you finding something real.
littlebittle Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but you can't be friends with your ex. Not permanently, anyway. One person will always like the other person just a little bit more, and something's always going to happen to pull you apart. i just wanna say: not true. that may be your experience, but i have remained friends with 3 of my exes. it depends on the situation and the people involved. it's not always easy, but it can definitely work. one of my best friends for years was an ex who i dated for 2 years. we broke up amicably and were basically best friends for 5 years. we both moved, and we aren't as close anymore, but i will always consider him a part of my family.
Author girlie908 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 i guess my thing is..is that since we broke up a long time ago, and didn't contact each other for 4 months, i thought i was over it. yet seeing him again and keeping up contact is making me fall for him again. so do you guys think it's best to just stop all contact for myself? or continue being friends and see where it goes when i go home?
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