Having trouble with the statement " were moving to fast "

[wizardof7]

Sure, it could be. The operative question is do you want to be with a woman who 'tests' you like that? Up to you. I passed a lot of 'tests' and the end result is that I didn't want to be with the test-givers. Life and love are about healthy interdependence, not tests predicated upon one's past emotional baggage, IMO. YMMV

 

Hmm you never answered my question

Are we having an emotional affair ? lol

God lighten up a little . A sence of humor is a good thing .

I see your point .

Some of the people that have posted seem to have a superiority complex and talk down to you just because they have " been here for longer than others . "

I guess if you read the comments some are saying and you can hear it plainly " God you are stupid why cant you see this ?"

So lighten up a little .

I'm sure I could make you feel the same way . but I would be a little more compassionate .

[wizardof7]

Hmm you never answered my question

Are we having an emotional affair ? lol

God lighten up a little . A sence of humor is a good thing .

I see your point .

Some of the people that have posted seem to have a superiority complex and talk down to you just because they have " been here for longer than others . "

I guess if you read the comments some are saying and you can hear it plainly " God you are stupid why cant you see this ?"

So lighten up a little .

I'm sure I could make you feel the same way . but I would be a little more compassionate .

 

Modern psychology has its place and is a very valueble service to mankind . I do not believe its the cure all .Many years ago I dated a girl whos mother was psychologist . She was the most messed up person I've ever been with . Her sister was so messed up I never talked to her once in that whole time . And yes , maybe mom was messed up too .

Humans have been around for tens of thousands of years without it .

Here we are .

So maybe if everyone was required to get counceling before they got married , or hooked up with someone the world would would be better

{ I doubt it }

So in all this for me just talking about these things has " hardened my skin a bit " but in a good way . And I really appreciate everyones input .

And the changes I'll make from this Will be for My improvement . Not for anyone else . My girlfriend and I have gotten off to a rocky start . And maybe it will work , then again maybe not . I will endure and succeed

But life is about chaos and diversity . Positive and negative . look around its everywhere . Its a balance between the two

This is what makes life so great .

 

" Life is like a box of chocolates

YUM "

Forest Daumer ...........lol

Thanks all I'm out

[wizardof7]

Sure, it could be. The operative question is do you want to be with a woman who 'tests' you like that? Up to you. I passed a lot of 'tests' and the end result is that I didn't want to be with the test-givers. Life and love are about healthy interdependence, not tests predicated upon one's past emotional baggage, IMO. YMMV

 

Hmm you never answered my question

Are we having an emotional affair ? lol

God lighten up a little . A sence of humor is a good thing .

I see your point .

Some of the people that have posted seem to have a superiority complex and talk down to you just because they have " been here for longer than others . "

If you read the comments some are saying and you can hear it plainly " God you are stupid why cant you see this ?" I realize people here are free to say what they say

So lighten up a little .

I'm sure I could make you feel the same way . but I would be a little more compassionate .

 

Modern psychology has its place and is a very valueble service to mankind . I do not believe its the cure all .Many years ago I dated a girl whos mother was psychologist . She was the most messed up person I've ever been with . Her sister was so messed up I never talked to her once in that whole time . And yes , maybe mom was messed up too .

Humans have been around for tens of thousands of years without it .

Here we are .

So maybe if everyone was required to get counceling before they got married , or hooked up with someone the world would would be better

{ I doubt it }

So in all this for me just talking about these things has " hardened my skin a bit " but in a good way . And I really appreciate everyones input .

And the changes I'll make from this Will be for My improvement . Not for anyone else . My girlfriend and I have gotten off to a rocky start . And maybe it will work , then again maybe not . I will endure and succeed

But life is about chaos and diversity . Positive and negative . look around its everywhere . Its a balance between the two

This is what makes life so great .

 

"People are like a box of chocolates

YUM "

Forest Daumer ...........lol

Thanks all I'm out

Edited October 18, 2009 by wizardof7

[carhill]

Sure I answered your question. I gave you my experience. I have no other experience to give. I don't like women who test me. I don't deserve to be treated like that. Simple boundary. You absolutely are not required to agree or have a similar boundary. Up to you.

 

Good luck

[wizardof7]

Sure I answered your question. I gave you my experience. I have no other experience to give. I don't like women who test me. I don't deserve to be treated like that. Simple boundary. You absolutely are not required to agree or have a similar boundary. Up to you.

 

Good luck

 

Just wanted to say thanks . You have helped me . I have set some boundaries , And made it clear to her what they are . She was a little shocked that I did this . However she gave me a big kiss and a smile . I think we have built a little more trust for each other . And she said she will seek some counceling for some of her other deeper issues .

But , we plan to spend the week together working on some things .{ I'm gonna help her with some marketing for her new business , as well she is gonna help me with some things around the house , and yes of course some work on the bedtime adventures }

Thanks Carhill

{ Does that mean you park your car on a hill ?}

[carhill]

Carhill is an abbreviation I came up with when participating on the dementia forums I joined years ago. It happens to be a compilation of my best friend's sister's first and last names. Also, sometimes, I feel like I'm a car climbing a hill in low gear, chugging along.

 

Happy to hear you all are communicating. Hope it works out. I like positive endings

[wizardof7]

Carhill is an abbreviation I came up with when participating on the dementia forums I joined years ago. It happens to be a compilation of my best friend's sister's first and last names. Also, sometimes, I feel like I'm a car climbing a hill in low gear, chugging along.

 

Happy to hear you all are communicating. Hope it works out. I like positive endings

 

Well after a weekend of talking she has come clean with some things that have really been bothering her , and we have agreed its best to continue for " now " as just friends untill she can get herself together .She thinks we rushed things " we are moving to fast " She is not working , she has two court hearings coming up she must prepare for ,for the first time in her life she had to get food stamps , she has the whole aunt thing , when she packs up her kids and sends them to dads she doesn't feel they are safe , not to metion her ex is being very stupid . On top of that she feels bad she can't do much to return anything { such as dinners and some repairs I did in her car as well some other things I have done for her , I told her not to worry about it } and to top it off here I was demanding she comunicated with me { and freaking out a bit lol }she just can't treat me the way she wanted to . As well according to the reserch I've done she really has some passive aggresive tendencies , so we will see .. I'm planning to date some other women , and just go out and have some fun -no strings

And as well I realize I did kinda loose myself there for a while . she has been calling me on a regular basis { I think she has real feelings for me }

if she didn't want me to be in her life she could easily stop calling or told me to f*** off altogether .who knows she still might . She is just in no shape emotionally to handle a relationship right now . She says for now she doesn't think its good to be with anyone .

Thanks for your insite , and your

wizardof7

[wizardof7]

Carhill is an abbreviation I came up with when participating on the dementia forums I joined years ago. It happens to be a compilation of my best friend's sister's first and last names. Also, sometimes, I feel like I'm a car climbing a hill in low gear, chugging along.

 

Happy to hear you all are communicating. Hope it works out. I like positive endings

 

Well there has been some more infomation that surfaced tonight as we went to diner . It turns out two guys { one she was with for a while when she was separated , and one guy she went on one date with both turned up over the last two weeks } She basically told them both to take a hike .

But this was the turning point for her . As she called it " cleaning house "

She got rid of their numbers and told them not to call her again . As well all the other stuff thats been bothering her and she came clean with it all .

She still wants to keep the pace slow but she came over tonight for my birthday we went to diner and had probably the best connection we have made so far . It certainly put my heart to rest . I'm certain she really loves me and wants to be with me alone .So in hindsight she was just trying to tie up loose ends and be ready for me . I just have to learn to be more patient when she asks me to . { she did tell me this two weeks ago } I'm begining to trust her a bit more . As well her trust for me has grown a bit her being able to tell me about these things .

Shes still stressed about not working or having her own place . But a huge wieght has been lifted off her shoulders . And it shows .

[carhill]

Keeping everything positive, I'll suggest to watch for consistency. I've been through this, numerous times. In retrospect, the most important clue to the outcome was consistency (or lack of it).

 

We talk a lot on LS about actions. Accept words but watch actions. Words spill off the lips as easily as text off my laptop keyboard. Actions, not so easy.

 

IMO, as your GF for three months, which means not dating but exclusive, she should have told you contemporaneously about old dates/BF's contacting her. You're committed, having sex and have some modicum of trust. 'Cleaning house' is a really great thing and her BF should be disclosed, supportive and encouraging her in that task. The last two sound like they are taken care of. Let's see how consistent she is with the first, disclosure.

 

Ask yourself, how would she feel if old GF's/sexual partners/dates were contacting you and you didn't tell her about that. If I was with someone and my stbx called me about some divorce business, I'd mention it in passing, like 'My ex called me today to deal with xxx. It went well'. For her, it would be 'xxx called me today. I told him I was with someone and that I wasn't interested in any future contact'. Simple. Painless.

 

Let's see how it goes. Like you say, take it slow. My advice remains not to invest yourself too much in her words. Re-read your OP again, what started this thread. See the conflicts between actions and words? You have some tests ahead.

[wizardof7]

Keeping everything positive, I'll suggest to watch for consistency. I've been through this, numerous times. In retrospect, the most important clue to the outcome was consistency (or lack of it).

 

We talk a lot on LS about actions. Accept words but watch actions. Words spill off the lips as easily as text off my laptop keyboard. Actions, not so easy.

 

IMO, as your GF for three months, which means not dating but exclusive, she should have told you contemporaneously about old dates/BF's contacting her. You're committed, having sex and have some modicum of trust. 'Cleaning house' is a really great thing and her BF should be disclosed, supportive and encouraging her in that task. The last two sound like they are taken care of. Let's see how consistent she is with the first, disclosure.

 

Ask yourself, how would she feel if old GF's/sexual partners/dates were contacting you and you didn't tell her about that. If I was with someone and my stbx called me about some divorce business, I'd mention it in passing, like 'My ex called me today to deal with xxx. It went well'. For her, it would be 'xxx called me today. I told him I was with someone and that I wasn't interested in any future contact'. Simple. Painless.

 

Let's see how it goes. Like you say, take it slow. My advice remains not to invest yourself too much in her words. Re-read your OP again, what started this thread. See the conflicts between actions and words? You have some tests ahead.

 

She also told me that this week she has put an end to bad engadgements with her ex . She said that he was calling to get her to bring something the kids left behind . and due to her plans of going out with her friends

{ I have met them } that she would not be able to accomodate him by bringing it to the house . { she always did before } And that in the future she will not take anymore bs from him . Her exact words" If the kids are not dying don't bother calling , Don't call me with your crap " She has finally been able to tell him " no " Which I think is a good thing . But , we'll see if she can keep it up .

As well she has told me previously about the guy that keeps texting her .

I went to the bar she worked at one time and I actually met him .

She said hey Sean This is Steve . I had no idea , I thought he was a regular at the bar . I started a conversation with him and found him to be kind of an ass . Turns out he was there to see if he could get her to go out again .We spent most of the night passing Smiles to each other , and I had brought her some flowers . She told me later that night she went on one diner date with him and she spent most of the time taking care of his kid .And that he kept texting her to try and talk .{ I told her she should tell the guy to f*** off } She deleted his phone number and told him to piss off { she showed me her phone last night } As well over this weekend The other guy stopped by at 8:00 am Sunday morning and wanted to talk to her .

She said she wanted to get him out of her aunts house and let him take her to breakfast . And proceeded to tell him to loose her phone number

and never come by again . This is why she wouldn't return my calls this weekend . So like you said I'll take it slow and watch her actions .But I felt last night she was being completly honest with me . She has a grueling schedule with the kids this week ,{ her daughter is on a varcity basketball team , her son does cub scouts , School , homework , diner so she has her hands full when the kids are with her } and I could see she just been real tired lately . Sleep dep is something I have dealt with myself and I know what happened to me . Shes just been overwelmed lately . She knows this will change . She just needs to learn how to take time and take care of herself . She been taking care of everyone else for too long .

[wizardof7]

We are still together , and everything is going well . We have bonded and now share much better communication . Most of the problems she has had with her ex have pretty much gone away . She has stopped all contact with him . We still don't do much when the kids are around , But thats starting to change slowly but surely . Just wanted to thank everyone for their input , and I'll put in an update from time to time . Hoping you are all well in your relationships , I'm doing great with mine .

Thanks