Having trouble with the statement " were moving to fast "

October 13, 2009

Recently with my girlfriend of three months we had a little communication problem and we had a bad week . She came over on monday night and we were kinda tired so we went to bed . Sometimes when we are together sleeping , I can't get to sleep . so somewhere in the night I reached over

and stroked her hip and as it turns out she was not sleeping either . She turned around and we started kissing and she grabed me and started making me hard .So as I was getting into it she stopped and said " no , you behave " it kinda shocked me then I asked her " so you don't want to ? "

She said no . I couln't sleep the rest of the night . she rolled over and promply went to sleep . The next morning she woke up and left pretty quick . The next night I got her to come over , I ordered a pizza and we smoked some weed and watched movies . I was tired from not sleeping the night before , so I rolled over and fell asleep turns out she did not sleep well . { i did act kinda cold that night and did not hold her }

So the week went by and I met her at work {she bartends at a local bar her mother owns for some extra money . }As we were leaving she gave me this statment about my perfomance in bed { I'm 40 and a little over stimulated from too much coffee and cigs a bad diet as well we always end up in bed really late like 2 or 3 in the morning I have taking steps to fix this problem } so by the time we get there I'm really out of energy . Sometimes I have trouble getting it up .

And one time I made the mistake of saying hey baby I need some help .

I found out later she did not like that . But she misinterprited what I wanted and I didn' say what I really wanted she grabed me and tried to put it in . I wanted her to realign her body to make it easier for me to get in . Now I realize my mistake I should of said what I wanted but what she did worked , but it was over too fast . Now , this weekend we went to diner and she said " I think we are moving too fast " But she hasn't said much else about what she meant by that . She hasn't really responded to my calls or texts . And she stopped using words like "baby" or "My love "

Now I know we love each other . And I ve tried to open a conversation to get through this . But Im not sure its working . Just looking for some perspective

October 13, 2009

She's having a change of heart and putting the brakes on. The R is only 3 months old, there is not enough history to sustain it when problems like this arise. Sexual incompatibility. She's done.

October 13, 2009

Today When I called her we opened a conversation about the previous week . It turns out that due to some serious issues at her house pertaining to her aunt , That she was sorry about being so cold and that everything was fine between us . We talked about my performance problem and resolved it by agreeing not to be out so late , as well Giving me a little time to get my diet in order .

She will not be disappointed if it doesn't get up right away as well my need to communicate better when we are in the bedroom . But thanks for your comment . Just so yo know we have known each other for a decade and are not strangers in the night .

October 13, 2009

Ask her to be more straightforward when something bothers her, like her home situation. As you said, you've known each other for a decade. Sharing builds intimacy.

Her actions and words would have me wondering about instability, especially the way she shut down without warning.

October 13, 2009

It is worrisome that she couldn't have just told you about her problems at home. Has she always not shared what happens in her life, as in the bad stuff? Why did she hold back?

October 13, 2009

Well I would have to say that I don't always say whats bothering me . I think that the situation of living with her aunt { mother } has had an effect because she worked at her aunts bar , and they recently leased it because it wasn't doing well . And Dana saw this and tried to help but her aunt is very suborn . Dana wanted to do some marketing to bring more business , and her aunt said no to everything . And now the bar is doing much better , and Dana was hired to work weekends .And so , I think her aunt is a little bitter about seeing the bar do better , Knowing if she accepted Dana's help it would be better for her . And now theres a bit more tension at the house than normal . So Dana has applied for her trademark on her business and has aready recieved some good leads on jobs . And soon she can get a place of her own . This will help a lot .

I know that bothers her because she told me it does . I think she just feels overwelmed right now . And needed some time for herself .{ I think she should of told me that } But I'll get over it . Of course , if she continues shutting me out I can see the problem with that .

She does have a problem accepting help from others , only because she is very independent . As well due to her ex husband who was abusive mentally she has some issues about saying whats really on her mind . Because of the backlash she would get . She has already said that she appreciates the fact that I don't freak out on her , Or try to be controlling . She probably needs more time to really trust me .

She has made an effort and I'm confident she will come around .

I like the anecdote on your message . Sometimes I think maybe I care too much .

I always liked

" Success is going from failure to failure without the loss of enthusiasm "

Thanks for your comment

October 13, 2009

How well did you know her when she was married to her ex abusive husband?

October 13, 2009

Probably more than he's willing to admit, which is why I'm not going to be surprised by his answer

October 13, 2009

I have known Dana for a number of years . And her ex is someone from my past . We used to hang out when we were teenagers . You know , tripping acid , playing guitar , going to parties . Then as we got older we grew apart . Through out the years Dana and her ex used to come to our shows and practice { I used to play in a well known band }. Here and there .And to be honest he hasn't called me but twice in ten years . Once to give him a ride to get his car . My buddies call me at least once a week we do things together . Dana and I have always had a connection . She always enjoyed taking to me . and have had convesations about going to amsterdam and having sex in the streets . lol

It was really just drunk talk , just a fantasy .

We do have some mutual friends . And we have discussed what to do about those potentially uncomfortable moments . Its really not an issue for us . We set the comfort level .

I think her current living situation has her on edge . And she called me today to tell me about it . Her marriage has really been over for about three years . Though the papers have only done for about four months . She was living with her ex Through court ordered transition .. Just living together to get some bills taken care of .Her ex already had a girlfriend at this point . And they got into a fight and he called the cops on her because she ripped his shirt when he pushed her . She got a d.v charge but it will never hold up in court . Officers never read her her rights and the 911 operater failed to report the incident correctly .

I do realize the possibility she did this with me to get back at him .But she insists that she was ready to move on and enjoy the rest of her life . And she doesn't really care what he does or thinks about what we are doing .

We are both about 40 years old and we are comfortable together .And we really are beyond the trivial bs that plauges most of us .She does have two kids that she shares custody with her husband

I have done a bit of reading about what a woman goes through after divorce . I think I just have to be patient with her , and , she has asked me to do this . So there are certain factors that make this relationship difficult but I think shes worth it .Its been great up untill this last week . With a few bumps in the road .

Life is never perfect . And I'm not one to cave into a few comments left by strangers . But I do appreciate that you have taken time to try and help . And any additional questions I would be glad to answer

Edited October 13, 2009 by wizardof7

October 13, 2009

Her actions and words would have me wondering about instability, especially the way she shut down without warning.

Just wanted to finalize that part....

IMO, considering all factors, I'd leave her alone for awhile. I know that sounds wrong and goes against what you want to do. I've had to make such painful decisions and know it's not easy.

If you're up for drama, there will be no shortage. I don't have the stomach (or the heart) for it.....

October 14, 2009

I think I just have to be patient with her

I totally agree with you...especially since you feel she is worth it.

Might I suggest that you just keep the lines of communication open -- when in doubt, ASK her what she needs and wants. And also express your own wants and needs clearly, kindly and in a timely fashion. (Book suggestion: 'Hold Me Tight' by Sue Johnson)

If you do just withdraw your love and support by leaving her alone...well, emotional unavailability really does not foster a positive, uplifting, mutually rewarding relationship. Only do that if you want to potentially create damage and drama.

Best of luck. Sounds like you two just hit a bit of a hurdle. Depending on how you handle supporting her with what she is going through in other areas of her life...this can be a HUGE opportunity for you to show how much you value her, and also demonstrate your compassion, understanding, commitment and value to her.

October 14, 2009

OK, so what does she do for him to validate his worth? This is where I erred, and badly. I forgot about myself. OP, I implore you. These women sound all flowery and lovely and ever so right and bla, bla, but that's just an effort to get what they want out of you. You're not a therapist. She's not paying you.

Come back in a month (I'd like to say three but everyone's in a hurry around here) and tell me I'm wrong and how and I will apologize.

October 14, 2009

I do realize the possibility she did this with me to get back at him .But she insists that she was ready to move on and enjoy the rest of her life . And she doesn't really care what he does or thinks about what we are doing .

I do believe that she is ready to move on and is using you to do just that. You could very well be a rebound relationship for her which is evident in her distancing herself from you by not confiding in you about her home situation and what goes on between the sheets. She's showing the signs of itchy feet. At this point, you can give her the sun, the moon and the stars and it may not be good enough. Or, you can tell her to get her act together, alone, and find out that way if you two were meant to be.

It would not surprise me in the least if she has her sights on someone else. No one wants to be a stepping stone for someone, but she just wasn't healthy enough emotionally to start a relationship with you. Doubly so if the relationship had started while she was still married.

Her marriage has really been over for about three years . Though the papers have only done for about four months . She was living with her ex Through court ordered transition .. Just living together to get some bills taken care of .

But she wasn't completely free from him until they went their separate ways and even then, there was still a strong attachment, and good chance...there still is.

October 14, 2009

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their input . Its givin me some insite from a neutral sorce . And thats what I needed . We are getting together tomorrow to talk a bit . I'm gonna keep it light but say what I need to say . She seems to want to spend some time with me .

I really don't believe shes looking for somone else . If anything I think shes looking to just be by herself . I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow .

Thanks All

October 14, 2009

I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow.

Very best of luck. Right now in your relationship, it appears that it is her turn to receive more than she can give because other aspects of her life aren't going as smoothly as would be preferred. At some future date, it will be your turn to receive more, and her turn to give more to you than you will then have the energy/resources to give.

That's a normal pattern in all healthy relationships. Ebb and flow. It is the overall balance that must be strived for, not a daily accounting.

OK, so what does she do for him to validate his worth? This is where I erred, and badly. I forgot about myself.

When we forget about our Self, it is that we are making someone else responsible for meeting our own needs and wants. I agree with you that it is a "bad" decision to make.

It was suggested to wizardof7 to "also express your own wants and needs clearly, kindly and in a timely fashion." HE will be validating his own worth by doing that; and can then make wise decisions about the future of the relationship based on how she responds to helping and supporting him to meet his own needs and wants. But it's not that she is obligated or responsible to "validate" and do it all for him.

carhill, I am sorry that your marriage ended. It does suck, and there's just no way around that. Hugs.

October 14, 2009

Just so you know, my opinion has nothing to do with my marriage (or its ending); that's clear, accepted and resolved. It's more a reflection on a pattern of behaviors from the past and signs I'm seeing in the OP's situation that alarm me. OP, I'm a man and I've traveled your path and have had professional help to understand the psychology of it. Best wishes to you...

October 14, 2009

I do realize the possibility she did this with me to get back at him .But she insists that she was ready to move on and enjoy the rest of her life . And she doesn't really care what he does or thinks about what we are doing .

I do believe that she is ready to move on and is using you to do just that. You could very well be a rebound relationship for her which is evident in her distancing herself from you by not confiding in you about her home situation and what goes on between the sheets. She's showing the signs of itchy feet. At this point, you can give her the sun, the moon and the stars and it may not be good enough. Or, you can tell her to get her act together, alone, and find out that way if you two were meant to be.

It would not surprise me in the least if she has her sights on someone else. No one wants to be a stepping stone for someone, but she just wasn't healthy enough emotionally to start a relationship with you. Doubly so if the relationship had started while she was still married.

Her marriage has really been over for about three years . Though the papers have only done for about four months . She was living with her ex Through court ordered transition .. Just living together to get some bills taken care of .

But she wasn't completely free from him until they went their separate ways and even then, there was still a strong attachment, and good chance...there still is.

She was completely divorced from him before we started going out .I could never cheat with a married woman . Cause it would kill me if someone did that to me .

The only attachment she has with him is her kids . Hes gone out of his way to cheat , lie , and put her in bad situations { like putting her in jail for ripping his shirt , and making her pawn her wedding ring to get her kid out of jail Instead of retuning the jacket she bought for him } . She does have quite a bit of resentment for him . And I've tried to help her with this . By keeping her smiling . She does much better that way . She deals with him a lot better . However we spend 7 days apart when she has the kids .

And untill she doesn't live with her aunt { who imposes a no visitor rule when the kids are there . } I cant spend much time with her . I understrand its up to her to end these feelings . Or get through them .

But its hard to put all the dynamics of a situation here because its just text .

October 14, 2009

OP, since you're new, I'll explain something that likely makes no sense to you...

While your lady was married, if you and she shared personal thoughts and feelings, and especially thoughts and feelings of a sexual and/or romantic nature (like going to Amsterdam and having sex in the streets) or if she told you her marital problems, that's called an EA (emotional affair). I've done that, twice, with the same person, both as a single man when she was married and as a married man when she was single, over a period of 25 years. Your story and mine could be twins, perhaps except for the timeline. Same rancor, same 'bad' husband, same drama, same children, then, later, 'bad' boyfriend.

When I started MC, our psychologist asked me 'why do you want to be here?'. In light of your comment about 'not caving to the comments of a few strangers', I'll ask you 'why are you here?' I went into therapy because I knew something wasn't right and I wanted to fix it. Why are you here?

October 14, 2009

Very best of luck. Right now in your relationship, it appears that it is her turn to receive more than she can give because other aspects of her life aren't going as smoothly as would be preferred. At some future date, it will be your turn to receive more, and her turn to give more to you than you will then have the energy/resources to give.
That's a normal pattern in all healthy relationships. Ebb and flow. It is the overall balance that must be strived for, not a daily accounting.

When we forget about our Self, it is that we are making someone else responsible for meeting our own needs and wants. I agree with you that it is a "bad" decision to make.

It was suggested to wizardof7 to "also express your own wants and needs clearly, kindly and in a timely fashion." HE will be validating his own worth by doing that; and can then make wise decisions about the future of the relationship based on how she responds to helping and supporting him to meet his own needs and wants. But it's not that she is obligated or responsible to "validate" and do it all for him.

carhill, I am sorry that your marriage ended. It does suck, and there's just no way around that. Hugs.

Thank you .. This is the perspective I've been looking for . Its seems lots of folks here try to tie their answers to an emotional thing they went through in their own life . Cant say its not allowed , But certainly not appreciated .

When love enters the picture its so hard to hear about

things like "shes cheating " or " shes looking for someone else "

If one is not sure about this it could propagate into some unrealistic fears . And actualy make the situation worse .

Of course no one hear really knows me or her . And if you cant see all the things that are happening it leaves too many tangents for others to exploit , and make their point with bias to their life .

I could write a novel on all the things we have done together . lol

But I cant do that here ...

Thank you again .

Edited October 14, 2009 by wizardof7

October 14, 2009

Very best of luck. Right now in your relationship, it appears that it is her turn to receive more than she can give because other aspects of her life aren't going as smoothly as would be preferred. At some future date, it will be your turn to receive more, and her turn to give more to you than you will then have the energy/resources to give.
That's a normal pattern in all healthy relationships. Ebb and flow. It is the overall balance that must be strived for, not a daily accounting.

When we forget about our Self, it is that we are making someone else responsible for meeting our own needs and wants. I agree with you that it is a "bad" decision to make.

It was suggested to wizardof7 to "also express your own wants and needs clearly, kindly and in a timely fashion." HE will be validating his own worth by doing that; and can then make wise decisions about the future of the relationship based on how she responds to helping and supporting him to meet his own needs and wants. But it's not that she is obligated or responsible to "validate" and do it all for him.

carhill, I am sorry that your marriage ended. It does suck, and there's just no way around that. Hugs.

Thank you , that was the kind of perspective I was looking for .

It seems a lot of people here Wash their fears into the messages they write . Maybe it will help them with what they are going through .

I know its because it happened to them , and it is possible .

All I could hope is that they heal inside from doing it . To let go of fear ,

And help people instead of pumping the realm of possibility and the fear they have inside about what "could" happen to them . And really focus on what they want in their life . And project it to the people around them .

Keep the good things you want in your head . And don't focus on the negative things that have happened to them . Because you get what you want . misery loves company . And I wont live in misery . Theres plenty of better things to live for . This is the lesson I've learned .

Thanks for your support .

wizardof7

October 14, 2009

OP, since you're new, I'll explain something that likely makes no sense to you...

While your lady was married, if you and she shared personal thoughts and feelings, and especially thoughts and feelings of a sexual and/or romantic nature (like going to Amsterdam and having sex in the streets) or if she told you her marital problems, that's called an EA (emotional affair). I've done that, twice, with the same person, both as a single man when she was married and as a married man when she was single, over a period of 25 years. Your story and mine could be twins, perhaps except for the timeline. Same rancor, same 'bad' husband, same drama, same children, then, later, 'bad' boyfriend.

When I started MC, our psychologist asked me 'why do you want to be here?'. In light of your comment about 'not caving to the comments of a few strangers', I'll ask you 'why are you here?' I went into therapy because I knew something wasn't right and I wanted to fix it. Why are you here?

Thats a good point . I guess that senario did not strike me as something like cheating . In my mind I guess sometimes when I get flirty with a woman whos involved with someone else . I look at it as practice because shes not a stranger . And that its safe because nothing really happened .

And the fact that she was married made it ok because I knew nothing would happen . I knew I would never cheat with someones wife .But maybe you view that as cheating . But I really see your point . Thank you .

As far as real feelings there were none .Maybe a little fuzzy feeling inside.

Maybe a little fantasy about having sex with her . I do that everyday with perfect strangers .Is that so harmful ? And how about being married , and after a while you start fantasizing about the single neighbor lady with the big rack . And then when you are having sex with your partner and you think about the boobs . And it makes sex better for you .

Would that also be cheating ?

And all the things I know about her marriage are facts givin to me after the divorce . I am also a firm believer of the three sides to every story . my side ,your side , and the truth So I take some of the things with a grain of salt . Nobody ever tells the truth all the time .Or leaves some out

The reason I came here was to gain perspective . I have a lot in my brain . However , I never stop learning how to learn . And making my self feel better by realizing I'm not alone . I have my own insecurities just like everyone . I don't need therapy . Just more experience in relationships .

I've played guitar for thirty two years now . I missed most of the dating scene . Due to an endless practice schedule . That I " Chose "to engadge in . Check Out some of my tunes http://www.myspace.com/seanbeesonquotprojectxquot

As well over the years I seem to fall into love with emotionally unavailible women . And maybe I was emotionally unavailible .

But I've changed . I don't play as much any more . And parts of me are waking up ,parts that I haven't felt in a long time , and I feel ready to love someone . I understand she might not be it . But I think she is .

I Never got married , Don't have any kids {that I know of }lol

And I'm not afraid to admit that I have some frailties when it comes to dating . and what things really mean . { Not that you ever really figure it all out } lol most people went through these things at a much younger age . And now I'm forty and I need a little help with a perspective to deal

With the feelings of insecurity I have about love .....

So here I am trying to make some sence of it . And I really appreciate your time and thoughts .

"Success is going from failure to failure without the loss of enthusiam ."

" UNLESS SHES A BITCH " LOL

Thanks

Edited October 14, 2009 by wizardof7

October 15, 2009

Some quick observations:

LS defined for me what an EA was. I had never thought of my friendship in that way before. Later, our psychologist defined it as an 'inappropriate emotional attachment' and went on to define any attachment that was prioritized over the marriage to its detriment to be unhealthy and inappropriate, including same-sex friendships.

Fantasizing about the neighbor lady is normal. Talking to the neighbor lady about her boobs and your fantasy about her boobs is inappropriate if she or you are in an intimate relationship built upon mutually agreed monogamy.

Would you like your woman to be talking to her ex about the size of your d*ck and what you do in bed? Good example....

Dollars to donuts your woman doesn't like being alone.

Being attracted to (or attracting) emotionally unavailable women seems to parallel the 'rescuer syndrome', both conditions I've long suffered from. I married one. Good news is that therapy can help that predisposition if it still exists for you.

When I was talking about 'validation', I meant it in the emotional sense. Absent that sexual chemistry/attraction thing, do you feel validated and valued? Go back and read the first couple of paragraphs of your OP and comment on how you view that dynamic from the valuation standpoint. Note how you're taking responsibility. Where is hers?

My experience has been that people do what they do, and you will. Hope it works out for you

October 15, 2009

Some quick observations:

LS defined for me what an EA was. I had never thought of my friendship in that way before. Later, our psychologist defined it as an 'inappropriate emotional attachment' and went on to define any attachment that was prioritized over the marriage to its detriment to be unhealthy and inappropriate, including same-sex friendships.

Fantasizing about the neighbor lady is normal. Talking to the neighbor lady about her boobs and your fantasy about her boobs is inappropriate if she or you are in an intimate relationship built upon mutually agreed monogamy.

Would you like your woman to be talking to her ex about the size of your d*ck and what you do in bed? Good example....

Dollars to donuts your woman doesn't like being alone.

Being attracted to (or attracting) emotionally unavailable women seems to parallel the 'rescuer syndrome', both conditions I've long suffered from. I married one. Good news is that therapy can help that predisposition if it still exists for you.

When I was talking about 'validation', I meant it in the emotional sense. Absent that sexual chemistry/attraction thing, do you feel validated and valued? Go back and read the first couple of paragraphs of your OP and comment on how you view that dynamic from the valuation standpoint. Note how you're taking responsibility. Where is hers?

My experience has been that people do what they do, and you will. Hope it works out for you

As far as validation up untill the week before last we had a good thing going . We had fun together . She would text me during the day to let me know she was thinking about me . She would come by during my days off

when she has the kids { we don't see each other when she has the kids

At least not yet . }She would tell me in bed how comfortable she was with me . and that she wanted to please me . She would text me during the day . She would call me during the day at work . just for a quick hello .

She just gotten cold in the last two weeks . and I'm pretty sure she feels owerwelmed with everything . And then of Course with the way my brain works I get the jitters and kinda freak out cause she wont give little bits of info like . " hey im gonna be busy for the next couple of days so don't worry if I don't answer . There in lies my fraility . I always think shes leaving me because the women I've been with always do . And probably due to my projection of that is the reason they leave . And I'm trying to fix that . And If she could just sit me down and tell me what she really wants from me I could live with that .But she always leave s everything so vague . Today she finally gave me her email address . So I wrote her and put down all the things I thought were problems . and asked her very specifically what she wants from me .

As well how it makes me feel when she blows me off . Communication is something I value a lot . I think I'm a decent communicator . But I'm not perfect . And I am ok with the fact that shes not either . It could be she just wanted a **** buddy . And I want love . This would explain lots of things . I hope she can tell me the honest truth . Because I work well with the truth . regardless of what it is . But if thats what she wants Im not sure I can do that .

So we'll se what happens and I'll post tomorrow night . Thanks for your support .

Edited October 15, 2009 by wizardof7

October 17, 2009

Some quick observations:

LS defined for me what an EA was. I had never thought of my friendship in that way before. Later, our psychologist defined it as an 'inappropriate emotional attachment' and went on to define any attachment that was prioritized over the marriage to its detriment to be unhealthy and inappropriate, including same-sex friendships.

Fantasizing about the neighbor lady is normal. Talking to the neighbor lady about her boobs and your fantasy about her boobs is inappropriate if she or you are in an intimate relationship built upon mutually agreed monogamy.

Would you like your woman to be talking to her ex about the size of your d*ck and what you do in bed? Good example....

Dollars to donuts your woman doesn't like being alone.

Being attracted to (or attracting) emotionally unavailable women seems to parallel the 'rescuer syndrome', both conditions I've long suffered from. I married one. Good news is that therapy can help that predisposition if it still exists for you.

When I was talking about 'validation', I meant it in the emotional sense. Absent that sexual chemistry/attraction thing, do you feel validated and valued? Go back and read the first couple of paragraphs of your OP and comment on how you view that dynamic from the valuation standpoint. Note how you're taking responsibility. Where is hers?

My experience has been that people do what they do, and you will. Hope it works out for you

You know the thing that never came up anywhere in this conversation was the fact that after all those years of bs , is that its probable that women will test a man to see what happens when a guy gets angry .to see if they could trust a guy not to abuse her . to see what I was made of at the core .

All I did was try to find the truth . I did get a bit angry but was here to find some answers . The fact that everyone here missed it makes me wonder if you are all predisposed to think its all about psych problems . Or that there could be a simple answer .

Not that there isn't , but i missed this whole thing because of my hobby that took all my time . Not to try and sidestep our emotional affair or anything else that you say was there . but it was a pretty simple answer that would of made more sence . But I appreciate you input its has helped me and I will try to talk to her about " the thing we did " and how not to go there again . But in all reality , did we just have an affair ? lol

thanks , wizardof7

Edited October 17, 2009 by wizardof7

October 17, 2009

You know the thing that never came up anywhere in this conversation was the fact that after all those years of bs , is that its probable that women will test a man to see what happens when a guy gets angry .to see if they could trust a guy not to abuse her . to see what I was made of at the core .

Sure, it could be. The operative question is do you want to be with a woman who 'tests' you like that? Up to you. I passed a lot of 'tests' and the end result is that I didn't want to be with the test-givers. Life and love are about healthy interdependence, not tests predicated upon one's past emotional baggage, IMO. YMMV

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