Completely lost

[Orchid8]

I would like your advice because I am completely at lost. I have known my ex for two years, we were dating on and off for the 1st year but decided to become exclusive January of this year. The relationship is quite difficult to say the least. He is 11 years younger than me so our goals and timeline are way off. I am looking to settle down and start a family but he won't be ready for years from now.

 

Anyway, during the course of the past 10 months, we've broken up several times but this last time we broke up, about a month ago was because I thought he was messing around. He was on a boy's trip to Florida and didn't even bother to call me to resolve our issues when he returned. I thought for sure it was over because we did NC for 3 weeks. During that time, my friend set me up on a date with a guy (Derek) and we hit it off so we started dating. Then one night, my ex decided to break NC and blasted my phone with drunk calls and text messages at 3am. I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to talk to him. He apologized for everything, bought me flowers and insisted on taking me to dinner (which I finally agreed to).

 

Next thing I know, we were back in a relationship again. During this time, I was still talking to Derek; a week had gone by and he asked me to come over for dinner and a movie. I went and lied to my bf about where I was and I felt bad about it.

 

The next day, the bf wanted to take me to lunch so I met up with him at a nice Mediterranean restaurant. While we were waiting for our food, I decided to use the little ladie's room and left my purse next to him. When I came back to the table, I noticed that he had gone through my phone and found the text messages between Derek and me.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short, he raised hell (he had every right to), stormed out of the restaurant and told me what I did destroyed him inside forever. This was just last week. I apologized and fessed up to my mistake but he wouldn't listen.

 

The truth is, we broke up so often and I was confused about what I wanted. I cared tremendously about the ex and still have a thing for him but I know he is not someone I will be with down the road. While Derke, on the other hand, has potential of something more genuine. The thing is, I cheated on the ex but I never slept with Derek. We made out a few times and I know it's cheating regardless but shouldn't the ex be a little more understanding expecially since sex was not involved?

 

So all this happened on Thursday, I hadn't talked to him in 3 day and decided to send him an email to clear up the matter and explain everything in detail. His response was completey what I had expected, which is...name calling and telling me he's already moved on. I'm sad and hurt about it but it was my fault.

 

I guess I'm at loss because I feel so guilty about lying and cheating. I have never cheated on any ex before and the feeling is just awful. Do you think he will forgive me someday. Part of me wants him back but the other part of me tells me to get to know Derek. I want the ex back and have decided to stop talking to Derek completely because I am not ready to move on.

 

If I do the NC, do you think my ex will at some point contact me? Is it possible he will forgive me and get past this (especially since no sex was involved with the other guy)?

 

Please help!

[splintered thing]

Well, first of all, it sounds like your relationship with bf wasn't that great even at its best and that its potential moving forward is rocky at best. Do you really want to be with someone who searches through your purse and phone when you step away from them for a moment? That's not going to get better.

 

Second of all, I don't think you need to be feeling guilty about seeing someone else while you and bf were broken up.

 

If you do NC, then absolutely, the bf is likely to call you sooner or later. He'll probably be abusive then, too. Are you sure you want that?

 

Maybe getting ahold of Derek again is better for your life (and mental health).

[Leed1]

I'm lost as well. I've been dating this girl for 7 months. She says she still loves me but said she needs space because I'm clingy. I didn't realize it, she just came out of nowhere and told me that she needed a break. Didn't give me a chance to correct myself. She says she still wants me to call everyday and celebrate our anniversaries every month and all. I'm so confused, if she needs space then why does she still want to do all that? I love her with all my heart and soul, I want what's best for her. She says she's still happy with me, but I don't see it. I want her to be happy again even if that means I have to suffer. I don't know what to do!

[DustySaltus]

I would like your advice because I am completely at lost. I have known my ex for two years, we were dating on and off for the 1st year but decided to become exclusive January of this year. The relationship is quite difficult to say the least. He is 11 years younger than me so our goals and timeline are way off. I am looking to settle down and start a family but he won't be ready for years from now.

 

Anyway, during the course of the past 10 months, we've broken up several times but this last time we broke up, about a month ago was because I thought he was messing around. He was on a boy's trip to Florida and didn't even bother to call me to resolve our issues when he returned. I thought for sure it was over because we did NC for 3 weeks. During that time, my friend set me up on a date with a guy (Derek) and we hit it off so we started dating. Then one night, my ex decided to break NC and blasted my phone with drunk calls and text messages at 3am. I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to talk to him. He apologized for everything, bought me flowers and insisted on taking me to dinner (which I finally agreed to).

 

Next thing I know, we were back in a relationship again. During this time, I was still talking to Derek; a week had gone by and he asked me to come over for dinner and a movie. I went and lied to my bf about where I was and I felt bad about it.

 

The next day, the bf wanted to take me to lunch so I met up with him at a nice Mediterranean restaurant. While we were waiting for our food, I decided to use the little ladie's room and left my purse next to him. When I came back to the table, I noticed that he had gone through my phone and found the text messages between Derek and me.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short, he raised hell (he had every right to), stormed out of the restaurant and told me what I did destroyed him inside forever. This was just last week. I apologized and fessed up to my mistake but he wouldn't listen.

 

The truth is, we broke up so often and I was confused about what I wanted. I cared tremendously about the ex and still have a thing for him but I know he is not someone I will be with down the road. While Derke, on the other hand, has potential of something more genuine. The thing is, I cheated on the ex but I never slept with Derek. We made out a few times and I know it's cheating regardless but shouldn't the ex be a little more understanding expecially since sex was not involved?

 

So all this happened on Thursday, I hadn't talked to him in 3 day and decided to send him an email to clear up the matter and explain everything in detail. His response was completey what I had expected, which is...name calling and telling me he's already moved on. I'm sad and hurt about it but it was my fault.

 

I guess I'm at loss because I feel so guilty about lying and cheating. I have never cheated on any ex before and the feeling is just awful. Do you think he will forgive me someday. Part of me wants him back but the other part of me tells me to get to know Derek. I want the ex back and have decided to stop talking to Derek completely because I am not ready to move on.

 

If I do the NC, do you think my ex will at some point contact me? Is it possible he will forgive me and get past this (especially since no sex was involved with the other guy)?

 

Please help!

 

Couple of things:

 

1. Three weeks NC when you are in a relationship? Did you try and contact him at all and he was just ignoring you or did neither of you speak to each other?

 

2. Did Derek know about your situation or did he think you were single? Be honest?

 

3. When you thought he was messing around, was he or wasn't he?

 

4. I think the fact that he went into your purse was pretty weak. I'm a strong believer in boundaries and he broke them. With that being said the fact that he found something will make him think he was justified in doing so.

 

5. The age difference obviously played a huge part and that was something that wasn't going to change. At the same time remember that with Derek it takes a while before you really get a chance to know his true self.

 

I just think that you need to take a step back from all of this and see what you really want for YOURSELF. Not what you want from your Ex or Derek. Then proceed with caution.

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too though.

[Orchid8]

Well, first of all, it sounds like your relationship with bf wasn't that great even at its best and that its potential moving forward is rocky at best. Do you really want to be with someone who searches through your purse and phone when you step away from them for a moment? That's not going to get better.

 

Second of all, I don't think you need to be feeling guilty about seeing someone else while you and bf were broken up.

 

If you do NC, then absolutely, the bf is likely to call you sooner or later. He'll probably be abusive then, too. Are you sure you want that?

 

Maybe getting ahold of Derek again is better for your life (and mental health).

 

 

Thanks for your comment, Splintered Thing. All of what you said is correct and it put things in perspective for me. Things happened for a reason so none of this matters anymore. I am closing this chapter of my life and working on repairing me.

 

Thank you to everyone who posted.