Uncontrollable_laugh Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 No. The question is: Is it something that your husband is going to live with? That was years ago & he hasn't contracted it. Yes, he knows - Yes, he's willing to take the risk.
Devil Inside Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I wonder if there is some kind of unconscious death wish or self destruction associated with As and not using protection. Would make for interesting research.
2sure Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Agree with Lizzie, absolutely. In the years Prior to my current marriage - I was OW to a few MM. For all of them, a big required element of the affair was that they believe WE were special. That they fulfilled all of my sexual needs and that I wouldnt be doing this at all except he was soo special. I mean, they believed this stuff without me saying it, I just didnt argue it. They all wanted to not use protection so I would tell them I wasnt using birth control. For the one that had a V, I made up some other nonsense.
JamesM Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Howand why the hell would you not use protection when cheating? I thought this would be a no brainer? You always use protection Why do people not use it when cheating??? In the years Prior to my current marriage - I was OW to a few MM. For all of them, a big required element of the affair was that they believe WE were special. That they fulfilled all of my sexual needs and that I wouldnt be doing this at all except he was soo special. I think that answers it quite well. The assumption is that "we cheat because we love each other. Hence, you wouldn't cheat except you met me. And you won't cheat while you are with me." The additional assumption is "my married partner is never going to cheat on me."
Devil Inside Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I think that answers it quite well. The assumption is that "we cheat because we love each other. Hence, you wouldn't cheat except you met me. And you won't cheat while you are with me." The additional assumption is "my married partner is never going to cheat on me." You know what they say happens when we ASSUME...it makes an A$S out of U and ME!
OWoman Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I think that answers it quite well. The assumption is that "we cheat because we love each other. Hence, you wouldn't cheat except you met me. And you won't cheat while you are with me." The additional assumption is "my married partner is never going to cheat on me." Then again, at least some MPs stop having sex with their BSs during the A, so it does become neatly, hermetically, sexually exclusive to the A couple.
OWoman Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Yes, but the risk is not as great as it sounds. Not condoning affairs by saying this, but one can get hit by a car while walking across the street. One can shake hands with someone and catch the swine flu, bring it home and infect one's partner. There are risks to everything. And making sex somehow riskier when using condoms than say any other activity can border on scaremongering. NID, I understand what you are saying, but condoms DO prevent most every STD most of the time. And many STDs are blood borne. My wife is a health worker. She has poked herself with a needle a couple of times, and once was when taking care of an AIDS patient. Did she get it? No. Did she quit taking care of patients or even patients with AIDS? No. There is no such thing that anything is safe in life, but we still do it. Driving a car is more dangerous than flying a plane, but many of us are more worried on a plane than in a car. We take our family with the children and travel knowing the risks. We shake hands with total strangers, knowing that the germs they carry from every kind of flu, cold, pink eye, and other viruses, can be easily given to us. Those germs then infect our family. My wife will shake hands with patients today who have many germs associated with them. While she will wash her hands, this is not fool proof either. And I will probably shake hands with some sales rep today and who knows what germs he or she carries. Wearing gloves would prevent many viruses, but we never even consider doing that. Back to STDs and affairs.... Having unprotected sex when a condom can prevent STDs most of the time would seem foolish IMO...especially when in a relationship with someone who has already shown that he or she cannot be trusted. As a matter of interest, the MMs in my past who have been most resistant to wearing a raincoat (that's a condom, for those who didn't know) have been medical doctors. It's always intrigued me, but the argument one of them provided was, "I'm a doctor, I work with this stuff every day, I know the risks." Having an A was taking a risk; having unprotected sex was pushing the envelope on the risk just a little further. For someone whose life was boringly safe and and tidy in all other aspects, breaking the rules in one part of their lives was far too tempting.
OWoman Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I wonder if there is some kind of unconscious death wish or self destruction associated with As and not using protection. Would make for interesting research. I think it's about beating the odds. Having an A and not getting caught. Having unprotected sex and not catching anything. It shows that outcomes don't have to be boringly predictable, and that chance can still come up on your side. (And if not, oh well, for that brief period, you LIVED!)
confusedinkansas Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Yes, but the risk is not as great as it sounds. Not condoning affairs by saying this, but one can get hit by a car while walking across the street. One can shake hands with someone and catch the swine flu, bring it home and infect one's partner. There are risks to everything. And making sex somehow riskier when using condoms than say any other activity can border on scaremongering. NID, I understand what you are saying, but condoms DO prevent most every STD most of the time. And many STDs are blood borne. My wife is a health worker. She has poked herself with a needle a couple of times, and once was when taking care of an AIDS patient. Did she get it? No. Did she quit taking care of patients or even patients with AIDS? No. There is no such thing that anything is safe in life, but we still do it. Driving a car is more dangerous than flying a plane, but many of us are more worried on a plane than in a car. We take our family with the children and travel knowing the risks. We shake hands with total strangers, knowing that the germs they carry from every kind of flu, cold, pink eye, and other viruses, can be easily given to us. Those germs then infect our family. My wife will shake hands with patients today who have many germs associated with them. While she will wash her hands, this is not fool proof either. And I will probably shake hands with some sales rep today and who knows what germs he or she carries. Wearing gloves would prevent many viruses, but we never even consider doing that. This is a very good post. Most of us on a daily basis do dangerous things & we never think twice about the majority of them. And, yet some think that "Penalty of Death" or "Attempted Murder" should be the fate of someone that cheats & on top of that doesn't use protection. But from reading posts here Quite A Few affairs carry on without protection - Some have played with fire & gotten burned from it - While others come out relatively unscaved. For those (like myself) that physically have come out unscaved ...... It may be dangerous - but it isn't going to kill you
bentnotbroken Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 As a matter of interest, the MMs in my past who have been most resistant to wearing a raincoat (that's a condom, for those who didn't know) have been medical doctors. It's always intrigued me, but the argument one of them provided was, "I'm a doctor, I work with this stuff every day, I know the risks." Having an A was taking a risk; having unprotected sex was pushing the envelope on the risk just a little further. For someone whose life was boringly safe and and tidy in all other aspects, breaking the rules in one part of their lives was far too tempting. :eek:Doctors.
RedDevil66 Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 to add to this, when I left my current BF 18 months ago, he thought it would be a GREAT idea to drown is sorrow by putting his penis into another girl 3 weeks after I left him. He had sex with a "friend" for 3 days straight, drunk and not using a condom. She is a nice jewish girl he's known for 20 yrs and is clean..........so he didn't use a condom Well, 4 days after their love filled weekend, he had full blown herpes. He never called her again, friendship over and then when we got back together, didn't tell me his little secret until weeks later when we decided to have sex again. It was so lovely! Our sex life pretty much died on that day! When I was younger and STUPID, I never used protection, so I cannot point fingers, but now, no matter what, no matter with whom, I will use protection I TRUST NO ONE!
Dexter Morgan Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 This is a very good post. Most of us on a daily basis do dangerous things & we never think twice about the majority of them. And, yet some think that "Penalty of Death" or "Attempted Murder" should be the fate of someone that cheats & on top of that doesn't use protection. when I said it, I was mainly joking. BUT....if a spouse cheats, and gives their BS HIV...then I think the cheating spouse SHOULD be convicted of manslaughter.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I dont even think it matters if you have protection, condoms still break. chicks still poke holes in them with needles. Unexpected pregnancy, hiv, std's. I mean damn and besides even with condoms on cant you still catch crabs??? that, and I have to be a bit graphic here, if a guy wearing a condom stuffs himself in a woman up to his balls.....the juices can spill inside the comdom.
blinded Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 to add to this, when I left my current BF 18 months ago, he thought it would be a GREAT idea to drown is sorrow by putting his penis into another girl 3 weeks after I left him. He had sex with a "friend" for 3 days straight, drunk and not using a condom. She is a nice jewish girl he's known for 20 yrs and is clean..........so he didn't use a condom Well, 4 days after their love filled weekend, he had full blown herpes. He never called her again, friendship over and then when we got back together, didn't tell me his little secret until weeks later when we decided to have sex again. It was so lovely! Our sex life pretty much died on that day! When I was younger and STUPID, I never used protection, so I cannot point fingers, but now, no matter what, no matter with whom, I will use protection I TRUST NO ONE! Herpes can be spread even with a use of a condom. The virus is skin to skin contact. Anything in the boxer/panty region is fair game.
Leelou Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I did not use any protection with my MM. I am on birth control, and he has had a vasectomy. He is very healthy, as am I. He has regular doctor health check ups and is very into his gym and personal health. I have had a few hiv tests taken myself (all negative), because my husband had been cheating on me previously. MM knew I had not slept with anyone else in my life apart from my H. Since I have ended it with MM I am planning on being tested. My H and I do not live together. I am surprised to see how many of us did not use any condoms. I guess, for me, part of it was revenge on my H and part of it was what I was used to - no condoms with my H, so none with MM. Also, to be honest, I thought MM would enjoy it more without condoms. Plus I thought he would not take risks since he had a family member die of Aids years ago, and that scared him. I felt if he could risk it with me, I could risk it with him. I guess I just closed my mind to the real risks.
TheLoneSock Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 This whole thread reminds me of line from 'The Hangover'. "He was a bartender, and he didn't even cum inside her!" ..."And you really believe that?" In the movie the guy who's been cheated on is a very passive weakling type of guy, so he was ok with the cheating on that basis lol. Very sad and gross that he would take her back. All cheaters should despise themselves, karma is going to **** you up.
JamesM Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 What is interesting when I read many of these posts is that the imagined real risk is AIDS. Honestly, while this is a risk, the bigger risks are the many other STDs that are out there. Using no condom when having sex means that you are trusting the other person to be as concerned about catching an STD or at least being as knowledgeable as you are about catching an STD. And this means with you and before you. And when in an affair, the question is again, can this person be trusted? Condoms protect very well against these STDs. Using condoms makes the risk minimal. Yes, you can still catch something IF...and it is actually a big if, but it is a small percentage of STDs that are transmitted when condoms are used. (There is a risk that the ceiling fan over your head could fall while you are having sex, but does anyone worry that they may be killed during sex? ) The only really way to have completely safe sex is by having no sex. Even in a committed relationship, sex is not safe. However, the risks are small. BTW, I notice no one brings up oral sex. Has anyone caught something that way?
Dexter Morgan Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 This whole thread reminds me of line from 'The Hangover'. "He was a bartender, and he didn't even cum inside her!" ..."And you really believe that?" In the movie the guy who's been cheated on is a very passive weakling type of guy, so he was ok with the cheating on that basis lol. Very sad and gross that he would take her back. but in the end he "manned up"
howcouldInotknow Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 The man I was seeing and I did in the beginning but eventually stopped. If you read my story it might make a little more sense, but its something I wish I never did because he was the first man I eever did this with
Leelou Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 The man I was seeing and I did in the beginning but eventually stopped. If you read my story it might make a little more sense, but its something I wish I never did because he was the first man I eever did this with lol this is a little cryptic!
broken hearted Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 This whole thread is so messed up and makes me so sick!!! My husband had a f***ing affair while I was pregnant with our child! He didn't use protection every single time he was with her. He swears up and down he wasn't with me after her and therefore didn't expose me to anything he may have contracted from her. We were separated at the time but obviously I wasn't sure if I could believe him. I asked him to get a full range of std testing done and show me the results so I knew our baby was safe when I delivered her. He refused to get the testing done so I had to get it done myself...so embarrassing! It was all clean and I still don't know whether that just means she was clean or he really didn't have sex with me after her but...geez, you'd think he could care enough about his baby to prove to me by taking the test.
howcouldInotknow Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Haha I always used protection before him and then we stopped. I never caught anything from him and the time we were exclusive but in hindsight I shoul not have done it
confusedinkansas Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 This whole thread is so messed up and makes me so sick!!! My husband had a f***ing affair while I was pregnant with our child! He didn't use protection every single time he was with her. He swears up and down he wasn't with me after her and therefore didn't expose me to anything he may have contracted from her. We were separated at the time but obviously I wasn't sure if I could believe him.. How is it that if you're separated that he had an affair?? People that are separated date all the time. Isn't that part of moving?
OWoman Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 What is interesting when I read many of these posts is that the imagined real risk is AIDS. Honestly, while this is a risk, the bigger risks are the many other STDs that are out there. Where I'm from, HIV is the risk. It's pretty ubiquitous. But even in other places, there's a different order of magnitude between something you can cure with a course of antibiotics, and something that you can't cure, and that might well kill you if you don't treat it properly. Using no condom when having sex means that you are trusting the other person to be as concerned about catching an STD or at least being as knowledgeable as you are about catching an STD. And this means with you and before you. And when in an affair, the question is again, can this person be trusted? That's the key. Which is why, in the case of my last A, it was a risk I was prepared to take. Condoms protect very well against these STDs. Using condoms makes the risk minimal. Yes, you can still catch something IF...and it is actually a big if, but it is a small percentage of STDs that are transmitted when condoms are used. (There is a risk that the ceiling fan over your head could fall while you are having sex, but does anyone worry that they may be killed during sex? ) Yes. Some MMs develop the most bizarre paranoia in response to the cognitive dissonance arising from their "cheating". One MM I had a brief fling with was convinced he'd have a heart attack and die while having sex... BTW, I notice no one brings up oral sex. Has anyone caught something that way? I know many people who have. Personally, as I used to get cold sores, it's something I've been very careful about. To date, no mishaps - or at least, none that I know of....
angie2443 Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 This is a disturbing thread. So many here have little or no regard for the health and safety of their partners (AP or marriage partner). I think so much of this comes down to respect. When I cough, I cover my mouth. It doesn't matter if I'm around familly or strangers, this is just common courtesy. When I'm out driving, I limit my cell phone use to stoplights. Again, it's common courtesy. Don't people take responsibility for their actions anymore? Is it really that much trouble to put on a condom? Especially in these type of situations?
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