bluegreen12 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Thanks for all the support. A mixed bag of responses! Thanks taylor_bear also for presenting the other side of the coin. And no, I won't be making judgements or decisions based on just a few forum members. Although I welcome all views. I've distilled your advice into the following categories 1. Divorce her I won't do this immediately. Its rash. It's blind. And it could be expensive. I believe everyone deserves one chance. At least until I find out more. There are no kids involved thankfully. I do believe part of the reason she is so full of remorse, is not because she loves me, its because she's scared and guilty of what her family (and mine) would say. And her standing in the community. She's incredibly bound to her family. And plays the dutiful daughter in their presence all the time. Not even eating meat in front of her folks who are vegetarian. They think she's a vegetarian too. 2. Find out more information - Polygraph How would I go about doing that? Its an idea for sure. How does it work in the UK? Any ideas? The bigger challenge is convincing her its a good idea. 3. Marriage Counselling She's suggested it. I won't be going down that route. I don't need to pay through the nose to hear stuff I already know. i.e We have trust issues. She's a liar etc. Not sure about MC therefore, I think it needs to be sold to me. What would we gain? 4. Give her a chance. It may have been a mistake she regrets deeply. It's not easy to give her a chance. I don't think she deserves one. Although I do think she regrets it deeply. I'm considering kicking her out the bedroom. She can sleep in the other rooom. So any suggestions on how to get a polygraph? Where should I go from here? How should I get back my respect from her? And to everyone that thinks that she'll do it again. I reckon there's a chance of that being the case too. I want to give it at least 3 more months and to the person that said give her the benefit of the doubt. I think you're right. Divorce is too easy a get out clause, and I'll need some time, to get a handle on things. For now, I've told her to postpone any ideas of moving home, holidays, or anything that might involve me and her long term. Because she's on trial. Simpler I have the following to say: 1) Get yourself tested for STDs. 2) If your best friend was in your shoes now, what would you advice him to do? (I am asking you this because your decision to stay with such a cheater at such an early stage of your "marriage" is irrational, naive, and self-destructive).
reservoirdog1 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 You've received a lot of viewpoints as to whether or not you should stay married to her. I'm not going to add to that discussion. I will say, however, that IF you decide to stay with her and work it out, you should do only on the condition that she: (a) give you unfettered, anytime access to her email accounts, cell phone records, internet search history, etc., (b) get a new job, and © never have contact with the OM ever again. Period. The OM is officially a cancer on your marriage, and must be cut off. If she balks on any of those, then you should walk.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I confronted her with the evidence a few days ago and she cried for 2 days straight pleading for forgiveness. She also said that if I decided to leave, she wouldn't hold me against my will. As she loves me, but can't force me to stay. She is asleep upstairs in the marital bed, alone while I type this. Its 5am in the morning. I am unsure of where our future is. Will she cheat again? she might, she might not....one thing is for sure, she is more than capable of it. But if she ever found herself hundreds of miles away from you and a saw a man in a bar she wanted, you better bet she'd shag him if she had the chance and figured you will never find out. The guy she f***ed is a co-worker and a friend. How do I know it was one night? How do I know the late nights spent working on the reports weren't spent with him. I don't think I'll never know. well if you forgive her, then she needs to find another job. you shouldn't have to put up with her working with the guy she f####d behind your back. I also feel like she respects me less, because I'm already being civil towards her and say things like "I've got a big heart and can forgive you, but I won't forget". I think she takes this to mean, she's on dry land and not in my bad books. What should I do? If you don't think you can trust her, and you feel that she thinks she can get away with it and doesn't respect you...then if you have no kids and have only been married a short while....talk to an attorney and see what the chances of getting an annullment are. How do I win my respect back? Am I letting her off the hook too easily? YES! Is punishment and treating her mean the answer, or showing her love in the face of her infedility the answer? no, the punishment is losing your trust in her. also the punishment should be, if you decide to stay and forgive, that she loses some priviledges. girls nights out where they stroll in at the wee hours of the morning?.....over she gives you all passwords and information to ANY and ALL social networking mediums...email, facebook...etc. either she is an open book, or she gets a boot in her butt. Please help. A husband who wants to save his marriage. Simpler if you want to save your marriage, then you list ALL of the things you expect of her. If there is something that she does that makes you now feel uneasy, then she doesn't do it. if she complains.....get rid of her.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Thanks for all the support. A mixed bag of responses! Thanks taylor_bear also for presenting the other side of the coin. And no, I won't be making judgements or decisions based on just a few forum members. Although I welcome all views. I've distilled your advice into the following categories 1. Divorce her I won't do this immediately. Its rash. It's blind. And it could be expensive. not if you can get an annullment. and take it from me....i found out AFTER I had already had kids. Its MUCH more expensive if you wait. rash? maybe, but don't let dust grow on you. you need to decide quickly, because the longer this goes, the more in court that can be fought over...more assets...children...etc. ask yourself this, do you want to have kids with this cheater and liar? I believe everyone deserves one chance. then give it to her...and all I can say is.....good luck with that. I do believe part of the reason she is so full of remorse, is not because she loves me, its because she's scared and guilty of what her family (and mine) would say. And her standing in the community. she doesn't want to be seen as a cheater. sure, better to stay with you because of what the community will think of her. 2. Find out more information - Polygraph How would I go about doing that? Its an idea for sure. How does it work in the UK? Any ideas? The bigger challenge is convincing her its a good idea. local law inforcment would be a start. but tell her you want to arrange a polygraph and see what her answer is. if she refuses, stand up, walk out the door, and get an attorney. she will refuse if she has something to hide. How should I get back my respect from her? you don't...she cheated on you, therefore she doesn't respect you. and if you cave in and forgive her, she will then know she has you wrapped around her finger and will respect you even less.
The Midnight Rider Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Simpler, to me the answer is...well...simple. You have a choice to make and it only boils down to two of them: End this marriage right now. Get away from it and get away from her as quickly as you can. You and your bride sound young-ish and should be able to move on with your lives apart with a little effort. It will not be easy, but a clean break is what is needed.Forgive her and go on with the marriage. When I say forgive, I don't mean "I forgive you, but I don't trust you anymore." That's a doomed marriage set up to fail. You two would have to put this far behind you and start over as a new married couple. Of the two, the latter is the hardest because you must set aside all anger, hurt and bitterness and treat her like the person you fell in love with in the first place. If you can't do it, if you cant let this go and can never trust her again, leave her before you hurt each other more. I'm sorry I'm so blunt about this, but anything else only prolongs the inevitable, whatever that may be.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Simpler, you need more info before you make a decision. Maybe it was a ONS and a big mistake. Then you have to decide if you both think your marriage is worth enough to try to save. Or perhaps, after more surveillance, you discover that it is an on going thing. If so, it seems that your decision is clear. Either way, you need more info. Dowload a keylogger and start the surveillance ASAP. Cell phone records, GPS in the car, key logger, follow her, the works. The polygraph seems far fetched as they are notoriously unreliable, particuliarly with sensitive subjects like one's sex life.
Author Simpler Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 (edited) Strange [FONT] things appearing distorting message Edited October 15, 2009 by Simpler please delete
Author Simpler Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Thanks This forum, has helped me tap into some of the feelings I’ve been storing up. Anger, Bitterness, Hurt, Confusion, and also like I couldn’t care less. I never wanted to end up a divorcee, but I’d rather that than spend the rest of my life living a lie. I agree with whoever said forgiveness must be total, and not “I forgive you, but I don’t trust you”. So, to answer some of your questions Yes I am of Indian originNo I didn’t pay for the wedding. No I don’t pay for all the bills.No I won’t expose her to her family yet. I’d like to. But that would spell the end.So what’s happened since the last post? We barely speak and we sleep separately.I’ve also set up a meeting with her today somewhere neutral where I want to achieve four things. 1. Get more information about what happened. I need full transparency. So far I know it was a ONS whilst drunk and something she regrets. I don’t know if it happened more than once. I don’t know if she spends time with him socially. 2. I also want her to understand that I’ll give it 3 months in which to renew our marriage and we need to begin as if we’re starting out for the first time. In that time, I’ll consider marriage counselling which she can pay for. 3. I will also make other demands. These being a. Cut off ties with him completely (Within 1 week) b. Ask her to request a job transfer (immediate) c. Give me access to her email and phone records (immediate) d. Come back home at a decent time, or let me know when she;s coming late. (immediate) e. Be able to say No to other people who demand our time, we both have big families and we both need to focus on us first. (immediate) 4. I am also in this next 3 months going to put in place goals to make me more assertive, as I think my passiveness has led to this happening in the first place. I’ll need help with that though! Either way, by January, I should know whether or not I have a marriage worth working towards, or whether it’s a sham. And either way, by January, I’ll feel more settled with the outcome, knowing I’ve given it every chance. Any thoughts on my 4 stage plan? And any thoughts on how to be more assertive with my partner?
lkjh Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 not exposing it is a mistake, you will get burned in the long run. When people cheat they change and you will see this. She will lie like crazy and I can bet she will bad mouth you. Don't try an protect her, if she really wants the marriage to work then she will take the shame and work for it.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Simpler, it sounds like you are getting a handle on this. A couple of things though. First, when it comes to gathering information, you need to get more info than just her word. If she is cheating on you, she will lie about it to cover it up. Lying is a much lesser of the 2 evils at his point, so you still need to verify shat she is doing. She has already betrayed your trust, so it is justifed. Also, I would keep the deadline about your marrriage to yourself. That way she won't just give you the dog and pony show temporarily.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 1. Get more information about what happened. I need full transparency. So far I know it was a ONS whilst drunk and something she regrets. I don’t know if it happened more than once. I don’t know if she spends time with him socially. 2. I also want her to understand that I’ll give it 3 months in which to renew our marriage and we need to begin as if we’re starting out for the first time. In that time, I’ll consider marriage counselling which she can pay for. 3. I will also make other demands. These beinga. Cut off ties with him completely (Within 1 week) b. Ask her to request a job transfer (immediate) c. Give me access to her email and phone records (immediate) d. Come back home at a decent time, or let me know when she;s coming late. (immediate) e. Be able to say No to other people who demand our time, we both have big families and we both need to focus on us first. (immediate) 4. I am also in this next 3 months going to put in place goals to make me more assertive, as I think my passiveness has led to this happening in the first place. I’ll need help with that though! Either way, by January, I should know whether or not I have a marriage worth working towards, or whether it’s a sham. And either way, by January, I’ll feel more settled with the outcome, knowing I’ve given it every chance. Any thoughts on my 4 stage plan? And any thoughts on how to be more assertive with my partner? WOW! I swear 9/10 I have to tell a guy to be more of a man. You don't seem to have that issue. I'm very glad to hear you intend to be less passive. My only advice to you is this. If you really want to reconcile, you have to remove all threats off the table except divorce. In addition you need to make absolute certain she knows you love her... that you want this to work... and that it's up to her to make it work. I hope things turn out well for you!
TheLoneSock Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 (edited) Been reading through the updates on this thread, have more to say. First of all about the polygraph. Are you serious? This isn't a police investigation, that idea is absurd. AND it costs money. Second of all, to address the question "Will she cheat again?". IT DOESN'T MATTER. In what way, shape, or form is ONCE not enough? Thirdly, some people have been giving advice on how to handle the situation if you DO want to stay with her (for some reason). I agree and disagree with some: I agree with: Asking for permission to go through emails, cell phone records, whatever. HOWEVER, you need to be prepared to be hurting from what you find. It will not feel good. This also needs to be done immediately after asking, not 2 days later so she can selectively delete whatever. If she balks at this, you know why. I also agree with: Getting it out in the open, as in with both of your families. If she is not willing to divulge this and suffer the embarassment, then she is not remorseful and not will to 'pay' what she owes. She cannot get away from this without it costing her some dignity- if she does she will not learn ANYTHING. I disagree with: The polygraph obviously. You can't seriously be considering paying a stranger to strap a bunch of electrodes onto your wife and pummel her with questions you thought up. This is totally unnecessary and immature. Either you man up and LEAVE her ass, or you man up and MOVE ON from the situation, without bull**** polygraph tests muddling the process. If you can't tell yourself if she's lying to you or not, then you don't know your wife well enough, or women in general for that matter. I also disagree with: Trying to punish her by taking away things that EVERY human needs. Ex: nights out with friends, being social, ect. She's not your daughter, or an unruly pet. She's your wife, an adult, and a human being. Like I said before, either LEAVE her (like you should), or get PAST it. There can be no inbetween. Sure it will take time to heal and for her to earn your trust again, but don't STAY with her unless your willing to let all that actually happen- without muddling it with some disciplinary agenda. That's my .02 cents. I hope you hear it. Edited October 15, 2009 by TheLoneSock
jmargel Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 We're both in our thirties and have had an up and down relationship since our engagement in May. I used to be crazy about her. I'm not sure that I'm in love with her any more. We haven't had sex in over a month. Here's our story. engaged in May 2008married in June 2009 (Big wedding - £30,000 ++)She had a one night stand with an office co-worker in Feb 2009. She didn't tell me before the wedding.She didn't tell me after the wedding. I found out by looking through her mobile phone as I was suspicious of her working late nights. I confronted her with the evidence a few days ago and she cried for 2 days straight pleading for forgiveness. She also said that if I decided to leave, she wouldn't hold me against my will. As she loves me, but can't force me to stay. She is asleep upstairs in the marital bed, alone while I type this. Its 5am in the morning. I am unsure of where our future is. Will she cheat again? The guy she f***ed is a co-worker and a friend. How do I know it was one night? How do I know the late nights spent working on the reports weren't spent with him. I don't think I'll never know. I do know I don't trust her at all. I also feel like she respects me less, because I'm already being civil towards her and say things like "I've got a big heart and can forgive you, but I won't forget". I think she takes this to mean, she's on dry land and not in my bad books. What should I do? How do I win my respect back? Am I letting her off the hook too easily? Is punishment and treating her mean the answer, or showing her love in the face of her infedility the answer? Please help. A husband who wants to save his marriage. Simpler I have not read the other responses and usually don't in these situations. Because I already know what seems to work and what doesnt. How do you win your respect back? You have it backwards. It should be from her 'How do I get you to respect and trust me'. And that is EARNED. It's not a matter of doing or saying one certain thing, it's a matter of them changing their personality and attitude completely around. The cheating, the lying are only traits that manifest themselves from deeper issues that they have. Yes there are certain things you can do to temporarily allivate on how they treat you but in the long run that is not the answer and good chance they will go back to do it again. She needs counseling and if she's not willing to go then don't not accept anything else from her and start the divorce proceedings. If she wants to go, let her know there is no guarantee that you are staying in the marriage anyway. The cheating happened before, during and after the wedding. You have every right to be mad and remember there is no just 'one talk' about it. You also have to ask yourself some important questions. What are you getting out of this marriage? When are you going to be tired of playing detective? Remember she did not come to you with this, you only know this because you found out by yourself. What else is out there that you don't know? Sad thing is, you may never know and until you can get more answers you have every right to NOT trust her. In fact I encourage you to continue to distrust her. She is not acting like your wife. What you need to do for yourself is to start gaining confidence in yourself. Though you have no confidence in the marriage that doesn't mean you as a person shouldn't have any. Show and live confidence. Let her know that you will go on without her. Make her EARN her way back into your life, because if you don't this gives her an open door to do it again to you. Watch you don't fall into a depression, set short term goals for yourself and accomplish them. Start going out without her, stop saying 'I love you, I forgive you'. Give yourself time to think, push her away. Being mean or revengeful to her is not going to help. It only complicates the matter. It will only make you feel bad about yourself and take away from the confidence that you need to be building. I won't tell you to leave her or stay with her. A good counselor won't tell you either. What they should be doing, along with others on here is to put this situation into perspective that you can understand better.
seibert253 Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 You set goals and boundries, it's up to her to maintain them. If she doesn't, by by. Pretty simple, tell her if she wants to attempt to fix this marriage she will do A,B,C, and she will abide by D,E,F. If she doesn't, then you are done. Let her know that even if she does all the above, it's YOUR desicion on whether the marriage survives.
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