Simpler Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 We're both in our thirties and have had an up and down relationship since our engagement in May. I used to be crazy about her. I'm not sure that I'm in love with her any more. We haven't had sex in over a month. Here's our story. engaged in May 2008married in June 2009 (Big wedding - £30,000 ++)She had a one night stand with an office co-worker in Feb 2009. She didn't tell me before the wedding.She didn't tell me after the wedding. I found out by looking through her mobile phone as I was suspicious of her working late nights. I confronted her with the evidence a few days ago and she cried for 2 days straight pleading for forgiveness. She also said that if I decided to leave, she wouldn't hold me against my will. As she loves me, but can't force me to stay. She is asleep upstairs in the marital bed, alone while I type this. Its 5am in the morning. I am unsure of where our future is. Will she cheat again? The guy she f***ed is a co-worker and a friend. How do I know it was one night? How do I know the late nights spent working on the reports weren't spent with him. I don't think I'll never know. I do know I don't trust her at all. I also feel like she respects me less, because I'm already being civil towards her and say things like "I've got a big heart and can forgive you, but I won't forget". I think she takes this to mean, she's on dry land and not in my bad books. What should I do? How do I win my respect back? Am I letting her off the hook too easily? Is punishment and treating her mean the answer, or showing her love in the face of her infedility the answer? Please help. A husband who wants to save his marriage. Simpler
NowhereToHide Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I think that you should suggest marriage counseling. Maybe through that you can get a feeling for how open she is willing to be, how transparent she will be moving forward. I have heard of people doing what she did before the wedding -- kind of a last hurrah, or getting stuff out of their system. Not that it excuses her behavior. But I don't know if it means that she will do it again.
Bryanp Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I am so sorry for you. You may wish to consider finding an attorney to discuss a possible annulment. Having sex with another man a couple of months before your marriage during your engagement would be a deal breaker for many men. If she was will willing to cheat behind your back a couple of months before your marriage then why would you think she would ever be honest with you about anything? Apparently she had no intention of telling you and had to fess up because she was caught. I think there is probably much more to this story. I would consider also having her take a polygraph test to see if it was really only one time. Good luck.
boldjack Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Sorry about this, OP, but you have no marriage. Yes, she doesn't respect you and no, she doesn't love you, or none of this would have happened. You know that she cannot be trusted, so either annul or divorce her now, before you get too far into the marriage. I'm betting it was more than once and I'm also betting that if you let her off the hook, it will happen again. Sorry about your luck, but there are other women, who are better.
TheLoneSock Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 The fact is, you don't trust her. That's completely normal. But a marriage without trust is a failed marriage. This failure is not your fault. Two months before a wedding that cost tens of thousands of dollars. That is completely unexusable. If she had come clean to you, I would advise you to try and get over it, to forgive as best you can. But she was seriously never going to tell you. You had to find out on your own. If it were me I would do what another poster already said, which is file for an anullment. Get yourself an lawyer. You should not be married to this woman. I know you love her dearly, but what she did- you don't do that to someone you're planning on spending your life with. Marriage counceling is thrown around way too much. Many people who have used it will tell you it did no good. Not to mention this situation doesn't even warrant MC- she commited adultry. Yes, you were only engaged, but it was only 60 days before you said your wedding vows. I would definitely look into getting a lawyer, spend the money on that instead of bull **** marriage counceling for a woman that completely obliterated your trust in her- and never planned on telling you about it. You deserve SO much better. You sound like a great guy.
bluegreen12 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 The fact is, you don't trust her. That's completely normal. But a marriage without trust is a failed marriage. This failure is not your fault. Two months before a wedding that cost tens of thousands of dollars. That is completely unexusable. If she had come clean to you, I would advise you to try and get over it, to forgive as best you can. But she was seriously never going to tell you. You had to find out on your own. If it were me I would do what another poster already said, which is file for an anullment. Get yourself an lawyer. You should not be married to this woman. I know you love her dearly, but what she did- you don't do that to someone you're planning on spending your life with. Marriage counceling is thrown around way too much. Many people who have used it will tell you it did no good. Not to mention this situation doesn't even warrant MC- she commited adultry. Yes, you were only engaged, but it was only 60 days before you said your wedding vows. I would definitely look into getting a lawyer, spend the money on that instead of bull **** marriage counceling for a woman that completely obliterated your trust in her- and never planned on telling you about it. You deserve SO much better. You sound like a great guy. I totally agreed with the above post. However, the last part seems a little confusing.
lostsunsets Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) First off you must know if she is telling the truth. Now is the time to get a polygraph test done. Just tell her that you scheduled one (its often enough, to get her to spill her guts). If she is working late with him figure that they are still screwing. Why? He can blackmail her into it. Just think all he needs to say is "Gee wouldn't it be horrible if your husband found out" If she loves you (if you could call it love) she would drop her panties in a second out of fear he will rat her out. Think about it. Any guy who will screw another guys wife wouldn't have a problem with blackmailing for sex. Oh and yes she has lost respect for you. But most importantly, you must respect yourself. You cannot let her get away with her infidelities without exposing everything. You have to know everything if your marriage is to have any chance. I believe you could still get an annulment for infidelity. I hope her parents paid for the wedding. Edited October 13, 2009 by lostsunsets
hopesndreams Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Please help. A husband who wants to save his marriage. Then you must know all the facts. Is she still working with him? Was it a ONS or something more? There could possibly be more to this story of hers and if she is hiding anything it needs to get out into the open and be dealt with. MC ASAP.
Stroon Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 from the other point of view to most posts on this thread, do consider the possibility that this was a once off occurance that she regrets deeply. Its easy to say that she should have told you, but i'm sure everyone has done something in their lives we know we should admit to, but are so afraid of the consequences that we dont. i'm not condoning what she did, i'm just saying we've all made mistakes. the problem is getting the one we have betrayed to believe that we mean it. you alone know what you can forgive. you do need to talk to her alot about this, but theres no point asking her if its still going on if you are not prepared to at least give her the benefit of the doubt. If you cant believe anything she says now, then its a case of moving forward and ending things. I jsut wouldnt want anyone to end a relationship based on the opinions of forum members who dont know you or your wife. its just too easy to say 'get a divorce' when this is your life we are talking about. good luck.
misternoname Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 My ex wife cheated on me during the first year of our marriage...I stuck with her. The result? Sporadic cheating throughout the remainder of our marriage (24 years!). If I could go back in time, I would have bailed right away. My advice? Time is precious. You can't get it back. Her behavior is a pretty good predictor of the future. Get out while you can.
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I usually don't tell people to throw in the towel so quickly, but I'm telling you, get an annulment, divorce asap. Your marriage has been a lie, and sadly, I highly doubt that it's over between her and this guy. They work together and he is a friend. Sorry you're hurting..
boldjack Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Taylor, this OP's wife did not commit one "mistake", she established a pattern of dishonest behavior. First she was unfaithful, then she hid her infidelity . Then she went through with their marriage, INCLUDING HER VOWS, without giving the OP the respect a husband is due, then she continued the deception after the marriage, until the OP found her out. Op, if you have any self-respect at all, you will get rid of her, now. What will happen if you forgive her and have kids and then later on , find out that she is still deceiving you? You haven't been together long, so the emotional bonds are fresh but fragile, you can annul or divorce without any lasting harm to either of you.
Stroon Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Taylor, this OP's wife did not commit one "mistake", she established a pattern of dishonest behavior. First she was unfaithful, then she hid her infidelity . Then she went through with their marriage, INCLUDING HER VOWS, without giving the OP the respect a husband is due, then she continued the deception after the marriage, until the OP found her out. Op, if you have any self-respect at all, you will get rid of her, now. What will happen if you forgive her and have kids and then later on , find out that she is still deceiving you? You haven't been together long, so the emotional bonds are fresh but fragile, you can annul or divorce without any lasting harm to either of you. Jack, I thought the point of this thread was to give our thoughts to the OP about his situation, which I have done. I'm not going to argue with you over something I have said. its what I think and I personally believe that its helpfull to see both possible sides. I dont condone what she has done i just dont think life is always as black and white as you would like it to be.
boldjack Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Taylor, It IS possible for there to be clearcut answers to problems. Not all issues are black or white, true, but SOME are. Simpler is in need of answers, about his problem, he is adult enough to process those answers, himself. I'm sure that he would very much like to hear a positive interpretation of his wife's conduct. You say that you are not condonibg her behavior, but by being equivocal, you are doing just that. IMO.
Stroon Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Taylor, It IS possible for there to be clearcut answers to problems. Not all issues are black or white, true, but SOME are. Simpler is in need of answers, about his problem, he is adult enough to process those answers, himself. I'm sure that he would very much like to hear a positive interpretation of his wife's conduct. You say that you are not condonibg her behavior, but by being equivocal, you are doing just that. IMO. Its up to the OP to decide what he does. And as you've pointed out, i'm sure he's grown up enough to decide things for himself. You may think i'm condoning but at least i'm not telling him what to do. By using this (and any) thread to argue with forum members over their opinions doesn't give a good impression to the OP i'm sure. its meant to be about his problem, not about a problem you have with my opinions.
Author Simpler Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 Thanks for all the support. A mixed bag of responses! Thanks taylor_bear also for presenting the other side of the coin. And no, I won't be making judgements or decisions based on just a few forum members. Although I welcome all views. I've distilled your advice into the following categories 1. Divorce her I won't do this immediately. Its rash. It's blind. And it could be expensive. I believe everyone deserves one chance. At least until I find out more. There are no kids involved thankfully. I do believe part of the reason she is so full of remorse, is not because she loves me, its because she's scared and guilty of what her family (and mine) would say. And her standing in the community. She's incredibly bound to her family. And plays the dutiful daughter in their presence all the time. Not even eating meat in front of her folks who are vegetarian. They think she's a vegetarian too. 2. Find out more information - Polygraph How would I go about doing that? Its an idea for sure. How does it work in the UK? Any ideas? The bigger challenge is convincing her its a good idea. 3. Marriage Counselling She's suggested it. I won't be going down that route. I don't need to pay through the nose to hear stuff I already know. i.e We have trust issues. She's a liar etc. Not sure about MC therefore, I think it needs to be sold to me. What would we gain? 4. Give her a chance. It may have been a mistake she regrets deeply. It's not easy to give her a chance. I don't think she deserves one. Although I do think she regrets it deeply. I'm considering kicking her out the bedroom. She can sleep in the other rooom. So any suggestions on how to get a polygraph? Where should I go from here? How should I get back my respect from her? And to everyone that thinks that she'll do it again. I reckon there's a chance of that being the case too. I want to give it at least 3 more months and to the person that said give her the benefit of the doubt. I think you're right. Divorce is too easy a get out clause, and I'll need some time, to get a handle on things. For now, I've told her to postpone any ideas of moving home, holidays, or anything that might involve me and her long term. Because she's on trial. Simpler
Stroon Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I dont know anything about polygraphs i'm afraid. I understand your feelings about MC. I dont like being analysed or being told i feel a certain way. But i s'pose in your case (if you wanted to) it may help you to trust again. Just a thought. good luck with whatever you choose to do
boldjack Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Simpler, some posters are of the opinion, that any marriage is better than no marriage. If yours were of a longer term, I would advise you to try to make it work. But your trust issues, and her complete lack of respect for you seem to me, to be deal-breakers. You should do what is best for you, and not consider her feelings at all. After all, she cheated and didn't consider you, did she?
goldfinger991 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Simpler Correct me if I am wrong but are you of indian origin? If so the following may apply, If she is a dutiful daughter, she may be very good at playing a part and you may still not know the person you have married. I suggest you think long and hard before you stay with her, would be much easier and less painful to kick her to the kerb now, than divorce her later. She seems more concerned with keeping up appearances than in addressing the issues, and it maybe worthwhile in separating so you can work out if any of this is salveagable.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I just wanted to say, the longer you wait, the more expensive a divorce is going to be. If you want to know how truly remorseful she is, expose her deed to her family, your family, both of your friends, and demand that she go No Contact with her lover, even if it means quitting her job and you both moving. If she balks at any of that, she is not remorseful, she's only playing you harder than you've already been played.
Devil Inside Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Simpler If you decide that you are going to remain married then you should know that your best chance at success will be to go to marriage counseling. Sweeping things under the rug, or just having her take a lie detector test are not going to be enough. So lets say it is true that it was a one time thing...you just forgive her. Then what? If you never work on the issues in your relationship that led to the infidelity...then it is a set up for this to maybe happen again down the road. I would assume that you two may not know each other all that well seeing as that you met and married in a short amount of time. MC would be good for both of you. If you do not want to make this work then get an attorney ASAP. It will cost money up front, but is a good investment.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Please help. A husband who wants to save his marriage. Simpler Simpler, Why do you want to save your marriage? I think you need to answer that question before you move forward. It sounds like your wife has zero respect for you. How much of that wedding bill did you pay? How much of every bill do you pay?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 1. Divorce her I won't do this immediately. Its rash. It's blind. And it could be expensive. I believe everyone deserves one chance. At least until I find out more. There are no kids involved thankfully. I do believe part of the reason she is so full of remorse, is not because she loves me, its because she's scared and guilty of what her family (and mine) would say. And her standing in the community. She's incredibly bound to her family. And plays the dutiful daughter in their presence all the time. Not even eating meat in front of her folks who are vegetarian. They think she's a vegetarian too. If your primary worry is financial... you should start putting together a divorce plan that will reduce your fiscal liability. Also... the fact that she is a huge liar... not a good sign for making this work. Why did she cheat on you?
Devil Inside Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 If your primary worry is financial... you should start putting together a divorce plan that will reduce your fiscal liability. Also... the fact that she is a huge liar... not a good sign for making this work. Why did she cheat on you? Good point...if this is the only reason to not divorce...then it is not a good enough one. Is it the only reason?
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