lora22 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I first joined this site in May when I was upset about my then-bf's contact with his ex-gf, and his lying about their relationship to me. As a result of what I already felt, and the advice/input I received on this site I broke up with my bf. When we broke up I explained to him very clearly that it was a result of his lying, his relationship with his ex-gf, and how those things combined made me unable to trust him. Since breaking up, I've gone on dates with other guys, but haven't really met anyone special, and haven't dated anyone in particular, if that makes sense. Still single and dating. My bf has recently contacted me saying that he has completely cut his ex-gf out of his life. He told me that they still work together, but that the division she works for is the last group that he would ever have any need to speak with; that they don't speak, hang out, etc. He wants a second chance with me. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I still love him, and would like to give him a second chance, but I also have questions that I am pretty sure he would never be able to answer to my satisfaction. I think one of the biggest things that bothers me is, why all of a sudden do they have no contact? I feel like it must be because he finally made clear to her that he is serious about ME...so why all of a sudden is that the case? Why couldn't that have been the case earlier when we were dating? Why does it take me dumping him for him to all of a sudden decide that maybe it's not appropriate for him to behave the way he had been? I don't know what to do. I'm conflicted between this guy that I really love and thought I connected with, and my anger over the situation with his ex-gf. I know that they haven't hooked up or anything like that, but seriously, why the sudden change?
Soul Bear Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Found this Lora; Love does not abide solely in the physical world, nor does it "choose" where it is found. Love simply exists long before it is found by the lovers. Love is in itself and of itself unquestioning nor does it choose a meeting place. It simply IS. It is a partnering off of people at the heart and soul that cannot be undone even in a lifetime, even in all eternity. It cannot be told "you will not survive here" nor "You will die if you live under this distance or that circumstance. It simply IS, wether people believe in it or not. And often, people will only believe once it happens to them. You cannot go looking for love and find it - if you do, you are "lucky". Love IS already, and it will find you when the time is right, even if you think it's timing is wrong. It will find you wherever you are, online, offline, shopping, sitting with friends. Love is out there, and if you are ready to give 150% of yourself, it will find you, and reward you with 300% back. How do you feel reading that? Keep moving forwards...what you deserve and want is out there.... Good to see you posting again SB
Author lora22 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 Soul Bear, I can tell you're a romantic I tend to be fairly pragmatic And thank you!
New Again Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Your situation sounds a bit like mine. Not going into much detail, my bf had way too much (inappropriate) contact/interaction with his ex-gf when he and I were dating; it continued when we were exclusive and pretty much "together" (although not "officially" which I think is a crap distinction in our case). I brought it up a few times. Nothing changed. He lied. I had a problem trusting him. Then, after we were "official" their contact was still iffy....and then gradually began to peter out...until now-ish I bring it up with him again, and find out that they don't talk or hang out. I have the same problem as you, in regards to having some anger that he didn't take this more seriously until just now. Especially when his attitude used to be "we're just friends, what's the problem" and now is "I totally understand; that's a legit problem you have"..... I don't know that I have much advice I can offer you, as I really don't know what's right in this sitation; it's too close to my own....but, if you need or want support, you can certainly feel free to PM me.
Soul Bear Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I would be inclined to say keep moving forward
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I first joined this site in May when I was upset about my then-bf's contact with his ex-gf, and his lying about their relationship to me. As a result of what I already felt, and the advice/input I received on this site I broke up with my bf. When we broke up I explained to him very clearly that it was a result of his lying, his relationship with his ex-gf, and how those things combined made me unable to trust him. Since breaking up, I've gone on dates with other guys, but haven't really met anyone special, and haven't dated anyone in particular, if that makes sense. Still single and dating. My bf has recently contacted me saying that he has completely cut his ex-gf out of his life. He told me that they still work together, but that the division she works for is the last group that he would ever have any need to speak with; that they don't speak, hang out, etc. He wants a second chance with me. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I still love him, and would like to give him a second chance, but I also have questions that I am pretty sure he would never be able to answer to my satisfaction. I think one of the biggest things that bothers me is, why all of a sudden do they have no contact? I feel like it must be because he finally made clear to her that he is serious about ME...so why all of a sudden is that the case? Why couldn't that have been the case earlier when we were dating? Why does it take me dumping him for him to all of a sudden decide that maybe it's not appropriate for him to behave the way he had been? I don't know what to do. I'm conflicted between this guy that I really love and thought I connected with, and my anger over the situation with his ex-gf. I know that they haven't hooked up or anything like that, but seriously, why the sudden change? Second chances rarely work because people rarely change. From what you wrote here, the underlying problem with your relationship was not so much the fact that he still had feelings for his ex but the fact that he lied to you and cheated on you. So even if his ex is truly out of the picture, what makes you think that things would be fundamentally different?
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Why does it take me dumping him for him to all of a sudden decide that maybe it's not appropriate for him to behave the way he had been? I don't know what to do. I'm conflicted between this guy that I really love and thought I connected with, and my anger over the situation with his ex-gf. I know that they haven't hooked up or anything like that, but seriously, why the sudden change? Because people rarely understand what they've got until it's gone. It's an unfortunate circumstance of life. But given the residual anger with him about what occurred during your relationship, I don't think it's wise to return. But even if you do decide to give it a second shot, I do know this about "second chance relationships." They have to be entered into with absolutely zero expectations and you cannot "pick up where you left off" with the last one. It has to be a completely new attempt. All that happened before has to be forgotten. Since you still have questions about how it ended before, I don't see any peace coming to you by trying this again. Second chances rarely work because people rarely change. From what you wrote here, the underlying problem with your relationship was not so much the fact that he still had feelings for his ex but the fact that he lied to you and cheated on you. So even if his ex is truly out of the picture, what makes you think that things would be fundamentally different? Wait. Did he cheat? Or just lie about contact? I know everybody has different definitions of "cheating," but I'm wondering what he did that was actual cheating? Was it an emotional affair, you feel?
JohnP82 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) I think one of the biggest things that bothers me is, why all of a sudden do they have no contact? I feel like it must be because he finally made clear to her that he is serious about ME...so why all of a sudden is that the case? Why couldn't that have been the case earlier when we were dating? Why does it take me dumping him for him to all of a sudden decide that maybe it's not appropriate for him to behave the way he had been? First if I was dating someone and they knew that I was uncomfortable with their relationship with their ex and lied about it I would also break up with them. Second, if they allow me to leave, which shows that they pick the ex over me, it would solidify the decision. Finally from all of that I would probably come to the conclusion that they still had feelings for their ex and perhaps hoping for another shot. That's what I believe may have happened in the case of your ex. He may not be in contact with his ex anymore because she may have shot him down or he may have come to the conclusion that things between them are over. I would feel that I was the back up plan and would refuse such a position. Edited October 13, 2009 by JohnP82
Soul Bear Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Better things are round the corner for you Lora. Look how far you have come already since April?! I urge you not to take a step backwards. He will never truly learn his lessons and you will never truly learn yours. You should just keep moving forwards and upwards. The next one will make you wonder what the hell you ever saw him, and will give you exactly what you want and deserve from a relationship. We all know how it goes (most of the time) and things always seem to be better with the next. Do this for YOU! He made you an option, so why make him a priority?! onwards,onwards,onwards.............
Author lora22 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 I don't think he cheated, but he definitely lied - so he was totally disrespectful to me, and also made it difficult for me to trust him. Specifically, he would either lie by omission - they would be doing something together and he would fail to mention it to me; or he would tell me what he was doing, but fail to mention that she was involved. Initially I would find out about these things by hearing about them from mutual friends (who didn't know it was supposed to be a secret apparently), or see it online. It got so that I was start logging onto FB just to see if I would be able to catch him in a lie I didn't want to live like that, and I refuse to let anyone treat me that way. (Thanks everyone that helped me with that.) When I broke up with him I know that she tried to get back together with him, and I know that he wasn't interested in hooking up with her or getting back together with her, so nothing happened. You all are probably right; when I try to think of an acceptable answer to my question, nothing comes to mind. And if I can't think of a "right" answer that would make me happy, there probably isn't one. I'm not sure if I have it in me to forgive and forget, and the patience or willingness to try to build up trust again.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I don't think he cheated, but he definitely lied - so he was totally disrespectful to me, and also made it difficult for me to trust him. Which is ABSOLUTELY enough. I realize in reading my post, it sounds like I'm minimizing that fact, but I'm totally not. I abhor dishonesty in a romantic relationship. Especially when it's been made clear that it won't be tolerated, and yet - it continues. Specifically, he would either lie by omission - they would be doing something together and he would fail to mention it to me; or he would tell me what he was doing, but fail to mention that she was involved. Oh, boy, my most favorite kind of lie. I still don't understand why people think this is okay. I'm with you, Lora - I don't think I'd have it in me, either - to forgive and forget. I'd always be wondering what he was lying about now. It's a very selfish choice he was making. Just because he's cut ties with her doesn't mean he's changed his philosophy about lying. I think you're making a wise choice to not get re-involved with him.
Author lora22 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) Which is ABSOLUTELY enough. I realize in reading my post, it sounds like I'm minimizing that fact, but I'm totally not. I abhor dishonesty in a romantic relationship. Especially when it's been made clear that it won't be tolerated, and yet - it continues. Oh, boy, my most favorite kind of lie. I still don't understand why people think this is okay. I'm with you, Lora - I don't think I'd have it in me, either - to forgive and forget. I'd always be wondering what he was lying about now. It's a very selfish choice he was making. Just because he's cut ties with her doesn't mean he's changed his philosophy about lying. I think you're making a wise choice to not get re-involved with him. Yeah, since we haven't spoken in awhile it's a lot easier to think "Oh it'll be better this time"....but just writing/thinking about the lies, and how crazy I was checking up on them, really is clarifying the decision I have to make. Even now, since they are no longer talking or hanging out...I can't help but think, "OK, so what happened that he's not telling me about that changed things for him?" I'd be fooling myself to think it has anything to do with me - because if it did, he would've cut it out when we were dating and it was hurting my feelings and destroying my trust in him. I can't help but think that either she did something so terrible that he didn't want to be associated with her any longer, or that she made a move on him or something and he finally realized that their relationship was inappropriate. Or maybe a friend or family member said something to him about it(they knew what was going on and obviously didn't approve of his behavior)...there are a couple people I can think of that he would take seriously if they had a chat with him about that. And of course that makes me angry too, because I should have been one of those people. I don't understand people that think lying by omission is OK either...and I hate when people respond with, "well, you should've asked." Are you kidding me??!! I have to monitor you by asking you hourly who you're hanging out with? Or whatever the case may be. It's still with the intent of deceiving, which I believe is the definition of a lie...and crappy behavior. Edited October 14, 2009 by lora22
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