Turista Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I joined a little over a week ago still full of anger and resentment at what happened 2 months before when my narcissist girlfriend dumped me over the phone right before I was going to propose to her... She did me a huge favor... For 2 months I waded in the muck and sadness, deep down scheming to find a way back even as my intellect knew this would destroy me and my life. Fortunately, every scenario was vetoed internally as I realized yes some of these attempts might actually succeed (they all involved large cash outlays, the surest way to her heart), but if they did, what would I have? A return to an unsatisfying relationship with a boob job woman who only cared about her own needs. And a depleted bank account... And then I learned she dated the porn guy during a rebound last year. That... Changed... Everything... Suddenly, she finally appeared as pathetic as she actually is. She moved on unsuccessfully less than a week after our breakup last year and she's already moved on this time. And who cares? Not so much me (any more). I do seem to need to see things with my own eyes for them to be real. And I needed to see a picture of her with the new guy to really shut things down in my soul. And I believe I have. I have nothing but sympathy for what is to come for him. But I do hope he enjoys the intial sales job. She puts on quite a show. Who needs a girlfriend whose motto is "I love yooo...oooh look shiny!"
xpaperxcutx Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I haven't read any of your previous posts, but it does sound like you're getting your wake-up call. The question is why were you with her in the first place? IF you can call her narcissistic than maybe you yourself is a little superficial ( considering her boobs and all)?
Author Turista Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 I haven't read any of your previous posts, but it does sound like you're getting your wake-up call. The question is why were you with her in the first place? IF you can call her narcissistic than maybe you yourself is a little superficial ( considering her boobs and all)? Fair enough, she did resemble the girl I had a crush on in 3rd grade except all grown up and hot. So yeah, I was reliving my childhood and trying to win it... Yep, I know that now... But if you search my posts, she was quite a horror show. From asking me to get penile enlargement surgery (I'm less than 9 inches after all and she said she was a size queen), to blaming me for every single problem in the relationship and showing zero empathy, to demanding a $10,000 engagement ring, a $100,000 wedding, a pre-nup and to keep her maiden name all in the same sentence, to once getting physical with me for talking to another woman, to bar-hopping 2-4 nights a week but going psycho one time when I went out with my friends, to turning down my Christmas present without even opening it only to covet it later when she found out it was something she really wanted, to saying (actual quote) "I'm a trophy girlfriend and you didn't treat me like one." well the real question is why did I put up with it for so long? And to answer that, see my first paragraph. I've had 3 major relationships previously. They were all fine women. I still speak to two of them, including my ex-wife. I'm chalking this one off as a mid-life crisis mistake. If I'd gotten off the crazy train at the first breakup, it would have been a fun ride with a crazy chick. Instead, I doubled down on her sweet talking and rode the express elevator to hell. All my fault there... Won't do it again...
xpaperxcutx Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Fair enough, she did resemble the girl I had a crush on in 3rd grade except all grown up and hot. So yeah, I was reliving my childhood and trying to win it... Yep, I know that now... But if you search my posts, she was quite a horror show. From asking me to get penile enlargement surgery (I'm less than 9 inches after all and she said she was a size queen), to blaming me for every single problem in the relationship and showing zero empathy, to demanding a $10,000 engagement ring, a $100,000 wedding, a pre-nup and to keep her maiden name all in the same sentence, to once getting physical with me for talking to another woman, to bar-hopping 2-4 nights a week but going psycho one time when I went out with my friends, to turning down my Christmas present without even opening it only to covet it later when she found out it was something she really wanted, to saying (actual quote) "I'm a trophy girlfriend and you didn't treat me like one." well the real question is why did I put up with it for so long? And to answer that, see my first paragraph. I've had 3 major relationships previously. They were all fine women. I still speak to two of them, including my ex-wife. I'm chalking this one off as a mid-life crisis mistake. If I'd gotten off the crazy train at the first breakup, it would have been a fun ride with a crazy chick. Instead, I doubled down on her sweet talking and rode the express elevator to hell. All my fault there... Won't do it again... Ah ha, I see. Well then you had your fun, albeit your wallet suffered, and your mentality is a little split from the experience.
deux ex machina Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) Hey Turista. I remember you. I know few can understand the appeal of the N, when it is laid bare. I do have a thread in this section about going NC with a narcissist, what to expect. It seems like you have a handle on that, though you may find it helpful. You express yourself a lot better than I could and did about it - when he does something shocking, I did/do crawl into myself (to die ), and it is difficult to express personal thoughts in such a clear way. Well. Sometimes I can on here. There have been some caring souls who kind of clue in there's more going on than a few lines would indicate. From your posts, I'm thinking your mind works much like mine, in the sense where there has been a feeling of unreality about so much of it. I understand it, as much as anyone reading this could. I know that's nothing to offer by way of advice - but I just wanted to let you know I empathize with what happened. One thing more: some think N's land on some line that's on a continuum, from narcissitic to sociopathic/psychopathic. Her bizarre sexual behavior, while not unheard of, reads to me like it's a "thumbing of the nose" at anything close, real, intimate...(more so than someone who has a genuine, natural, and earnest desire/curiosity for that)...it reads like aggression against that, if this makes any sense. There seems to be an element of absurdity to it, that made it jump out at me somehow. Anyway, that's is not entirely uncommon element in the psychopathic personality. Just a thought. ALL THAT IT MEANS, to me, that she's high on the scale. Very antagonistic. All the more reason to stay far, far away and protect yourself. You are strong, and I respect that. Edited October 13, 2009 by deux ex machina
seibert253 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Wow dude, you dodged a serious bullet. You should get on your knees and thank God everyday.
Author Turista Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 Ah ha, I see. Well then you had your fun, albeit your wallet suffered, and your mentality is a little split from the experience. The first thing I did after I broke up was to spend as much time as I could around as many women as possible lest I start to think (incorrectly) that most women were just like her. I quickly got the message that the ex was very, very special... And while I'm sure there's still some crud clinging to the heart strings deep down inside, a lot of it is flushing out of its own accord now and that is an ENORMOUS relief.
Author Turista Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 Hey Turista. I remember you. I know few can understand the appeal of the N, when it is laid bare. I do have a thread in this section about going NC with a narcissist, what to expect. It seems like you have a handle on that, though you may find it helpful. You express yourself a lot better than I could and did about it - when he does something shocking, I did/do crawl into myself (to die ), and it is difficult to express personal thoughts in such a clear way. Well. Sometimes I can on here. There have been some caring souls who kind of clue in there's more going on than a few lines would indicate. From your posts, I'm thinking your mind works much like mine, in the sense where there has been a feeling of unreality about so much of it. I understand it, as much as anyone reading this could. I know that's nothing to offer by way of advice - but I just wanted to let you know I empathize with what happened. One thing more: some think N's land on some line that's on a continuum, from narcissitic to sociopathic/psychopathic. Her bizarre sexual behavior, while not unheard of, reads to me like it's a "thumbing of the nose" at anything close, real, intimate...(more so than someone who has a genuine, natural, and earnest desire/curiosity for that)...it reads like aggression against that, if this makes any sense. There seems to be an element of absurdity to it, that made it jump out at me somehow. Anyway, that's is not entirely uncommon element in the psychopathic personality. Just a thought. ALL THAT IT MEANS, to me, that she's high on the scale. Very antagonistic. All the more reason to stay far, far away and protect yourself. You are strong, and I respect that. Hey! And thank you! I completely sympathize and empathize with your plight. This crazy woman had me convinced that I could win her love with a $5,000 diamond and a really romantic proposal. Then she cancelled a weekend getaway on which this would have occurred thinking I'd be a grouch and she'd have had a horrible time - nothing was further from the truth - it was planned down to the minute to be a romantic time like no other... And that is messed up because she isn't worth a cracker jack ring and a drive to KFC. So I totally get that feeling of unreality - one starts to think these nutjobs are the sane ones and you're the one with a problem that can only be solved by doing things their way - which is wrong on every level... That said, we have to own our mistakes and move on. I don't understand why I put up with some of this nonsense. Probably some sort of fear of loss of winning the love of the 3rd grade crush, but that doesn't explain it all. I think the traumatic bonding wherein when someone treats you poorly most of the time, you start to think you deserve it. And you don't... I read your thread. It's all familiar territory. I wish you well...
deux ex machina Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Hey! And thank you! I completely sympathize and empathize with your plight. This crazy woman had me convinced that I could win her love with a $5,000 diamond and a really romantic proposal. Then she cancelled a weekend getaway on which this would have occurred thinking I'd be a grouch and she'd have had a horrible time - nothing was further from the truth - it was planned down to the minute to be a romantic time like no other... You’re very welcome. Making a note of things as they happened is important when it comes to dealing with the crazy. To know it really happened. It’s easy to forget otherwise…I’ve written mine down in a notebook, and I find myself doing it rarely now. The entries became less and less as I have detached – the also focus of them also flipped, from what he did, to what I can to do care for myself. I journal a line or two for the rest of my life in another book (he’s not in in the rest of my life, I feel…). When the year is over, I will likely gather everything up ex-related, stick it in a box, tape it up, and put it away. In a few years I may take it out, may not. Things happen. Yet there is a clear demarcation. And that is messed up because she isn't worth a cracker jack ring and a drive to KFC. So I totally get that feeling of unreality - one starts to think these nutjobs are the sane ones and you're the one with a problem that can only be solved by doing things their way - which is wrong on every level... The manipulations are quite subtle at times, the turning of the tables. It’s crazymaking, thank god for time and distance. Limited contemplation. I read your thread. It's all familiar territory. I wish you well... Thank you so much, I certainly hoped it helped.
deux ex machina Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 That said, we have to own our mistakes and move on. I don't understand why I put up with some of this nonsense. Probably some sort of fear of loss of winning the love of the 3rd grade crush, but that doesn't explain it all. Had to pull this quote… I have no idea if this will have any meaning to you, but I wanted to share something. The pull of my ex was extraordinary. Primal. At times it felt as if the pain would never end, a twisting feeling deep inside. It didn’t make sense to me. Intellectually, by that time I understood he was bad news…but why? Why this pull? Thankfully, I wasn’t unenlightened enough to mistake that for love, or that he was someone to be on up on a pedestal. If anything I needed to knock him off. And then I realized, it was about me in so many ways (which I happily own), but also – the pain was killing me, and made no sense (until I had an epiphany from something I read)… Perhaps…your ex hit something in your lovemap – this part of us, a preverbal part of our mind that has these associations. When you were an infant, you had no sense of time of course – and your needs felt immediate and overwhelming. You are going to hurt (and it will feel endless), until you get that need met. So there could be this memory, encoded in some place in your mind, long since consciously forgotten, that has a strong association that somehow your ex, and the girl in 3rd grade “matched”. Could be their hair color, their voice, how they moved, ect. Maybe, that could explain a part of the intensity of the attachment. I know this, because it hit me hard when I thought back – the only other person I felt that similar hurt about had the same color hair, movement, body type, ect. And then I remembered – my half-brother was like that. There was a lot of tension (to say the least), as an infant at that time for me, and he was a kind kid, from what I recall – so no wonder the possibility for a “primal lovemap attachment” existed somewhere in the deep memory. This insight really helped me get past that part. I realized the way I felt was normal, and most importantly the sense of timelessness - that it would NEVER end – was only a perception, not reality. I could breathe and get past it. It was okay to cry if I wanted to also. Again, I have zero idea if this rings any bells for you, but I remember your other post too, and I’d feel horrible if I didn’t mention it. I think the traumatic bonding wherein when someone treats you poorly most of the time, you start to think you deserve it. And you don't... Food for thought, and makes a lot of sense. *gentle hugs*
Author Turista Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Had to pull this quote… I have no idea if this will have any meaning to you, but I wanted to share something. The pull of my ex was extraordinary. Primal. At times it felt as if the pain would never end, a twisting feeling deep inside. It didn’t make sense to me. Intellectually, by that time I understood he was bad news…but why? Why this pull? Thankfully, I wasn’t unenlightened enough to mistake that for love, or that he was someone to be on up on a pedestal. If anything I needed to knock him off. And then I realized, it was about me in so many ways (which I happily own), but also – the pain was killing me, and made no sense (until I had an epiphany from something I read)… Perhaps…your ex hit something in your lovemap – this part of us, a preverbal part of our mind that has these associations. When you were an infant, you had no sense of time of course – and your needs felt immediate and overwhelming. You are going to hurt (and it will feel endless), until you get that need met. So there could be this memory, encoded in some place in your mind, long since consciously forgotten, that has a strong association that somehow your ex, and the girl in 3rd grade “matched”. Could be their hair color, their voice, how they moved, ect. Maybe, that could explain a part of the intensity of the attachment. I know this, because it hit me hard when I thought back – the only other person I felt that similar hurt about had the same color hair, movement, body type, ect. And then I remembered – my half-brother was like that. There was a lot of tension (to say the least), as an infant at that time for me, and he was a kind kid, from what I recall – so no wonder the possibility for a “primal lovemap attachment” existed somewhere in the deep memory. This insight really helped me get past that part. I realized the way I felt was normal, and most importantly the sense of timelessness - that it would NEVER end – was only a perception, not reality. I could breathe and get past it. It was okay to cry if I wanted to also. Again, I have zero idea if this rings any bells for you, but I remember your other post too, and I’d feel horrible if I didn’t mention it. Food for thought, and makes a lot of sense. *gentle hugs* It makes *COMPLETE SENSE*... Even now, her body and her smell are things I still miss with no other redeeming features that come to mind (well she was a pretty good cook when tried, but that wasn't often). And it's a very primal thing that overwhelmed my common sense and my instincts for self-preservation. And yes, it all comes down to her being a dead-ringer for that long ago crush with a rocking grown up body. It was romantic crack for me alas. And it's amazing and oddly encouraging to me that I'm not the only one to have experienced this. But I suspect it's difficult to understand unless one has... Be well!
deux ex machina Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Wonderful Hope that helped to fuel any additional insights so you can get past this with a bit less pain. Appreciate the well-wishes.
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