NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 In my therapy session, my IC gave me the statistic: Out of all second marriages that are the result of infidelity, only 3% survive. A 97% fail rate? That's unbelievable!
fooled once Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I believe it! Second marriages are hard enough -- there is a 60% divorce rate (or higher) for 2nd marriages. My current marriage is a 2nd marriage -- and there was no infidelity on either of our parts -- and I can tell you -- there were many times I didn't think it was going to work. We will celebrate 12 years in a couple months --- 6 years ago, I never would have thought we would make it this far. Now, we are empty nesters and I am very glad we both worked hard to keep our marriage because I can't image my future without him
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 I believe it! Second marriages are hard enough -- there is a 60% divorce rate (or higher) for 2nd marriages. My current marriage is a 2nd marriage -- and there was no infidelity on either of our parts -- and I can tell you -- there were many times I didn't think it was going to work. We will celebrate 12 years in a couple months --- 6 years ago, I never would have thought we would make it this far. Now, we are empty nesters and I am very glad we both worked hard to keep our marriage because I can't image my future without him Congratulations! That's a big accomplishment! Now go hug your husband!
Spoiled Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I believe it! Second marriages are hard enough -- there is a 60% divorce rate (or higher) for 2nd marriages. My current marriage is a 2nd marriage -- and there was no infidelity on either of our parts -- and I can tell you -- there were many times I didn't think it was going to work. We will celebrate 12 years in a couple months --- 6 years ago, I never would have thought we would make it this far. Now, we are empty nesters and I am very glad we both worked hard to keep our marriage because I can't image my future without him Great job for the hard work. So wonderful to hear.
Devil Inside Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 In my therapy session, my IC gave me the statistic: Out of all second marriages that are the result of infidelity, only 3% survive. A 97% fail rate? That's unbelievable! Yup...it's true. Now add to that the stress of having to move..fight custody battles...and blending a family. How those odds looking now. You made the right choice.
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 Yes... I DID make the right choice... And so did you
delajoonal Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 i also read that the same number about 95% men mostly, said if they had to do it over again, the A, they would NOT, even tho their wives took them back, they all said it is hell..constant transparency even years later. also, men and women said they would NOT have left the first marriage had they known the second one would be AS much trouble or worse...they all said they should have just stayed in the first marriage and worked on it...about the same percentage. fooled once...i am very happy for you...it is nice to have a partner in life especially after the kids are gone...this is what i am dealing with now.. our son is going on 23 years old, i was looking forward to this past summer of vacations with my in laws and grand children in the future and even relocating this year.... i can't believe its all gone..just gone...just like that. and 8 months later, my H still is with his online EA, PA by now.... and he is no more even closer to feeling like HE did anything wrong to me.. i am still the villian..yet he cheated and left me..LOL weird how that works... even after i forgave him for the A... i wonder if this is TRUE LOVE, my H and his OW, or is it just a Illusion...?
Jilly Bean Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Is this 3% of the 50% of all marriages that fail anyhow? And how many marriages that experience infidelity survive to begin with? How many long-term relationships fail for that matter? I think when throwing out a statistic like this (which I suspect is a stretch on the part of the therapist to make a point), relationship success in general needs to be considered. Perhaps second marriages from infidelity fail for the same reasons as all other relationships.
delajoonal Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 p.s....DI...you are right about the blending of families and stress of divorce and custody etc... my H's MOW has 2 small, VERY small kids...and they are VERY attatched to their father... their divorce will be final on Dec.31.... so i often wonder how they, the children will accept my H into their lives..? and into their home? it is NOT easy, i know when my mom remarried when i was 9 years old, we had to go to FC, i hated my mom's new H..although he was kind and i grew to l ike him as teenager and adult..i hated him when i was little for coming between me and my mom and what little time i had with her as it was:mad:
Lizzie60 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 In my therapy session, my IC gave me the statistic: Out of all second marriages that are the result of infidelity, only 3% survive. A 97% fail rate? That's unbelievable! Well 3% is better than 0%... because if it's the second marriage.. that means that the first one failed.. so it's 0% for the first marriage.. then.. 3% for the second.. still better ...
scatterd Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I was we wondering about this thanks for the info.
MistyK Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 In fairness though, I'm not sure exactly how accurate that is - at least 1/3 of all relationships today started as infidelity. Either way, chances aren't great.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 wonder how many marriages end without the spouse ever knowing the reason. i know of several that have fallen apart due to an affair that was never brought to the surface.
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 I guess the divorce rate for marriages in general is 50/50. The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher, not sure the percentage. Then the rate for 2nd marriages with infidelity is the 97%. I found the same statistic online.
gopher Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 In fairness though, I'm not sure exactly how accurate that is - at least 1/3 of all relationships today started as infidelity. Either way, chances aren't great. How are you defining a relationship? Just curious....
joyz Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) also, only about 14% of marriages truly recover from an infidelity http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats31.htm so, statistically speaking, leaving the unfaithful partner gives you the best odds at finding happiness again (whether you are a AP or BS)... Edited October 13, 2009 by joyz
OWoman Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 In my therapy session, my IC gave me the statistic: Out of all second marriages that are the result of infidelity, only 3% survive. A 97% fail rate? That's unbelievable! It is unbelievable, because it's fallacious! I'm surprised at a counsellor quoting such dicey stats - assuming your counsellor is qualified, he or she would presumably have studied to Masters level or above, and would be trained in research methods, and so would have some idea of what constitutes a rigorous study, and how far one can extrapolate from the findings into generalisable "truth". The mythical 3% has been the subject of much discussion on this forum: do a search and you'll find other threads where the study in question - yes, it was a single study, with a very small sample, completely unrepresentative (businessmen sampled in an airport departure hall, IIRC) and of something quite different (asking of that sample, how many had remarried, how many of those second marriages were to former APs and how many of those were still together 3 years on - so, straight away you're saying that out of 100 businessmen willling to be surveyed in an airport, 3% are still M 3 years on to someone they once had an A with...) to the way it's used (that 3% of Ms which start as As survive at least 3 years) - is thoroughly debunked. Your counsellor ought to know that quoting that statistic out of context, and outside of the very clear limitations of the study, is simply setting him /herself up to be challenged by anyone who knows anything about statistics or social research, but perhaps she or he was just trying to make a point (that these things don't always work out the way we want them to, and that where they do, they're a lot of work) and thought that sloppy science was a reasonable enough price to pay for dramatic effect. It's a risk - if a counsellor, or any professional, demonstrated such intellectual laziness around me, I'd dump them instantly and find someone more reliable - but I guess if it shocked you into a better place, it's one that paid off.
OWoman Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Yup...it's true. Actually not. It's a bit like me going down the pub and asking a couple of punters which team they support, and then claiming that research shows that Liverpool United is the best football team. DI, as a trained professional, you ought to know how social research works, and exactly what one can extrapolate from the findings of a study based on its sampling, research design and other limitations! Now add to that the stress of having to move..fight custody battles...and blending a family. That holds for ANY D, or 2nd M involving kids. Yes, it's more fraught if the D and the next M are chronologically close, without there being time to settle down in between, but then many rebound Ms are exactly the same, whether or not any infidelity was involved anywhere along the line. For the record, I've been the 2nd W twice. My first H had been unfaithful to his first W, and had young kids. The kids were never an issue - though the xW was, until she remarried and moved away - and I left the M for entirely different reasons. My second M, as you know, is to my fMM, and while it's far too soon to say whether we're part of the 3% or not, I can report that once again the kids are not an issue, though the xW tries to be. My father, OTOH, who waited until the kids were grown to D my mother and M his OW, is still happily together with her decades on, devoted and faithful and never a glance at anyone else. They're together 24x7, out of choice, and couldn't be happier. Of my friends and colleagues who've married their fAPs, all are still together - on average about 15 years on. Do they constitute 3% of the people I know? I doubt - of the people I know well enough to know that kind of detail, they'd be a far higher %, probably around 50 or 60% - but I don't claim my "opportunistic sample" to be representative, just as much as the sample in the study giving rise to the 3% is hardly representative.
Fallen Angel Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 My father, OTOH, who waited until the kids were grown to D my mother and M his OW, is still happily together with her decades on, devoted and faithful and never a glance at anyone else. They're together 24x7, out of choice, and couldn't be happier. Of my friends and colleagues who've married their fAPs, all are still together - on average about 15 years on. Do they constitute 3% of the people I know? I doubt - of the people I know well enough to know that kind of detail, they'd be a far higher %, probably around 50 or 60% - but I don't claim my "opportunistic sample" to be representative, just as much as the sample in the study giving rise to the 3% is hardly representative. My mother and her MM got married as soon as his divorce was final. That was 25 years ago, and they are still going strong. They had been involved in a long term affair which ended as an AFFAIR the day after his youngest child's 18th birthday, and became an open relationship. Funny, I do not remember a time when he wasn't in our lives, I thought he was my father until the day they got married, that was when I realized for the first time they hadn't been married all those years. LOL I agree with you Ow... the statistics seem to be somewhat skewed.. I only KNOW of three relationships PERONALY involving this kind of situation, and in all three the OW and the MM are now married and the marriages have lasted 10 yrs or more. I am sure there are many that do not make it, but I would like to see some hard evidence to back up the 3 percent theory.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 eh hem.. (ok im going to say what i want & i'm prepared for the flames) ok people. we're not all on here posting about rainbows and butterflies and stuff. we're here because theres a problem, something went wrong, something didnt go right. i had no idea this board existed for the first few years of my affair. had no reason to look for it. and certainly wouldnt be participating in a survey about how an affair correlates with real life statistics. in my happy moments i was oblivious to everything around me. and so are the millions of others involved in affairs right now. theyre not truthfully answering surveys. point being. these numbers arent accurate. may be leaning in the right direction but certainly not accurate. im not sure we could ever find accurate data on a topic thats so hidden and filled with lies and secrets.
TogetherForever Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 eh hem.. (ok im going to say what i want & i'm prepared for the flames) ok people. we're not all on here posting about rainbows and butterflies and stuff. we're here because theres a problem, something went wrong, something didnt go right. i had no idea this board existed for the first few years of my affair. had no reason to look for it. and certainly wouldnt be participating in a survey about how an affair correlates with real life statistics. in my happy moments i was oblivious to everything around me. and so are the millions of others involved in affairs right now. theyre not truthfully answering surveys. point being. these numbers arent accurate. may be leaning in the right direction but certainly not accurate. im not sure we could ever find accurate data on a topic thats so hidden and filled with lies and secrets. I beg to differ. I am posting about butterflies & rainbows!!
MistyK Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Of my friends and colleagues who've married their fAPs, all are still together - on average about 15 years on. Do they constitute 3% of the people I know? I doubt - of the people I know well enough to know that kind of detail, they'd be a far higher %, probably around 50 or 60% - but I don't claim my "opportunistic sample" to be representative, just as much as the sample in the study giving rise to the 3% is hardly representative. Sure, one of my best friends has been together with her fMM for over 5 years now since he divorced his 1st W. The stats for marriages without infidelity isn't much better than 50%, so ANY marriage is stacked against the odds. Obviously ones that start as A's are likely to have additional baggage, but we just don't know precisely how that affects the numbers. Its reasonable to assume that it increases the chances of failure, but consider this - people have an added incentive to keep a second M to an AP going: you gave up everything for this person, and you don't want it to be for nothing. You'll work ever harder because you had more invested from the very beginning. I'd be curious to see results of success of married couples who are married for the 2nd time compared to those married a second time to their AP.
donnamaybe Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I beg to differ. I am posting about butterflies & rainbows!! And we're all very happy for those who are, but they are very few and far between. I'm betting the stats are right on.
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 It is unbelievable, because it's fallacious! I'm surprised at a counsellor quoting such dicey stats - assuming your counsellor is qualified, he or she would presumably have studied to Masters level or above, and would be trained in research methods, and so would have some idea of what constitutes a rigorous study, and how far one can extrapolate from the findings into generalisable "truth". The mythical 3% has been the subject of much discussion on this forum: do a search and you'll find other threads where the study in question - yes, it was a single study, with a very small sample, completely unrepresentative (businessmen sampled in an airport departure hall, IIRC) and of something quite different (asking of that sample, how many had remarried, how many of those second marriages were to former APs and how many of those were still together 3 years on - so, straight away you're saying that out of 100 businessmen willling to be surveyed in an airport, 3% are still M 3 years on to someone they once had an A with...) to the way it's used (that 3% of Ms which start as As survive at least 3 years) - is thoroughly debunked. Your counsellor ought to know that quoting that statistic out of context, and outside of the very clear limitations of the study, is simply setting him /herself up to be challenged by anyone who knows anything about statistics or social research, but perhaps she or he was just trying to make a point (that these things don't always work out the way we want them to, and that where they do, they're a lot of work) and thought that sloppy science was a reasonable enough price to pay for dramatic effect. It's a risk - if a counsellor, or any professional, demonstrated such intellectual laziness around me, I'd dump them instantly and find someone more reliable - but I guess if it shocked you into a better place, it's one that paid off. Yes, It DID shock me into a better place. That and writing down all of the serious roadblocks to me and my xAP making a life together. That I'm sure was her intent. And it worked, at least for me.
Devil Inside Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 DI, as a trained professional, you ought to know how social research works, and exactly what one can extrapolate from the findings of a study based on its sampling, research design and other limitations! OK...ok...crap OW...you pain in the arse...when you're right you're right (which has happened a lot lately) stats can be skewed and manipulated to show anything that the researchers want to support. This is a study out there, there are many others and they all have different results. That holds for ANY D, or 2nd M involving kids. Yes, it's more fraught if the D and the next M are chronologically close, without there being time to settle down in between, but then many rebound Ms are exactly the same, whether or not any infidelity was involved anywhere along the line. Right again. You really need to stop this...I am going to have high expectations for you now. One thing my therapist has said is that when it comes to me trying to predict what the relationship would have been like with my AP, and if we could have had a successful marriage is that I will never know. Not that it would have worked...not that it wouldn't' have...but that I will never know. It makes no sense to torture yourself with the question...because it is an unknown. Yeah the chances are it would have been very difficult...but not impossible.
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