kma11 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 i have been searching around this web site for months and finally got the nerve to become a member and truly plug in. I have googled every topic on affairs, getting over an affair, leaving my married partner etc. I ended the affair three days ago..I am sick and not functioning well as a friend, mom or employee. I am About a year into my seperation and finalizing the divorce...it is a result of my affair. he continues to stay married with daily promises and actions that he is going to leave his wife. they have no kids and are financially independent, I have continued to see him daily..and ofcourse sleep with him daily. i am without any defense..i am completely head over heals in love with him. most days its embarresing...sometimes its pure humiliation. I am a professional woman and accomplished athlete. I own my home and car and raise my daughter alone. I have numerous close, solid friendships and am committed to my athletic training. SOOOO why am i in such a destructive relationship? why am i so terribly undone? I have watched myself erode into a emotional mess, a day at a time. I am having trouble getting myself off the floor. How in the hell do people ever recover from the loss of someone they love so much? how do you ever put the pieces back together ? i am starting to wonder if i will ever feel "Okay" again?
RegrettingtheAffair Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Does his wife know about you? You will get over it, take it one day at a time. When my H and I split 8 weeks ago (I had an affair), I took each day and got through an hour at a time. Soon you will find that you can look at each day and get through it. It took me a good month to get over the initial shock of getting caught in the A and seperating from my H. I now look at each week and make it a goal to get through the week. You have to pick yourself up off the floor for your daughter. She needs you to be a role model. If there is one thing you can teach her is to not get into a destructive relationship like you have gotten yourself into. You owe it to her to get through this mess. You were probably not functioning well in any of your relationships while you were having the affair. I know I wasn't. Everything was a blur. Nothing mattered. I stopped caring. Also how can you and your MM ever make it? You have cheated and so has he. So you will never trust each other, ever. If he did leave is W then you would never trust him, how could you? He enjoys having his cake and eating too. I am not minimizing your pain at all because you must be in a great deal of pain. Let him go you're better off. You will be ok, concentrate on yourself and your daughter. I hope things work out for you
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 KMA - i am right there with you. could have written these words myself. my situation is similar and i have yet to find an answer. i read the posts and responses and they do help. more than i thought they would (even the harsh ones). but even still it doenst fix my heart. they say it gets better with time. i hope for everyone who feels this way that it does, and as quickly as possible.
Author kma11 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 NoNo..he got of scott free. still living thick and deep in the lie. I loose a little more respect for him daily(. its hard to look him in the eye.) i have lost everything and his life has not changed a bit...i carry so much anger andregret...i just dont understand how people move on. i literallly feel paralyzed..even to complete stupid tasks..lol. like rememberiing to flip the laundry or set out the trash. i cried when i read the responses. it feels so good to talk about it...affairs are so locked down and hidden you forget what its like to open up and be truthfull. i think alot about my daughter...like you said. i am failing as a role model. i want to do so much better
lkjh Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Let me get this straight, this affair cost you your marriage, self-respect, integrity, and its jeopardizing your daughters future yet you can't break it. This is gonna sound harsh but I call bulls***. You will break this affair when you truly want to. If your ex doesn't know the details tell him and the OM's wife. You need to fight for your self-respect. Don't sit back so pathetically and let this continue to happen.
Author kma11 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 I know...right? total bull****...my x knows the details. his wife does not. we are not in contact..but it has not been long. u really suggest telling the wife?...this is my first time to b in this "situation" ( i am 37) and i would like to exit with some grace..not sure i want to create more heartache and drama, still want to protect the MM. I would b interested to hear what people think...is it best to tell the wife??
skywriter Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Hi and welcome..The verdict is out on coping strategies and there isn't any one size fits all from what I read. First off a big (((hug)) and the a bit of the same. Unlike you, I've been out of my marriage for quite some time and was out before getting involved with the MM. For me, and I won't tell you what is best for you to do. For me, it's LC, and when I do see him I don't get physical, keep an arms length. I listen to his words and weigh those words against his actions. I get out and try to do things for myself and I am conscious of this moreso than in the past. It's as if we've unconsciously stripped ourselves down and reprogrammed our minds around another person. I ask myself now, would he even consider doing this for me and would I even respect him if he were to do this for me? It's just so unhealthy on all levels. With all due respect to those who believe you should reveal this A. I'm a naysayer on this. I believe for myself, that I got myself into this, and I will get myself out and be stronger for it. One thing that we all here would likely agree on is to keep reading as it may help to keep you grounded. Being athletic is so beneficial as I'm sure you know, it's all abt you and what you are willing to put into it. If you can relate this sometimes to your A. Just anything that you personally can relate to, that helps you to see through the fog. For ex; in times of turmoil, when you need him, where is he? Who is he with? If you could be a fly on his wall at any given time, hear and see his true life as it is, what do you think you'd see and hear? I hear that if an A partner is going to leave that they will likely do this some times within the first six months of an A?
Fallen Angel Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I know...right? total bull****...my x knows the details. his wife does not. we are not in contact..but it has not been long. u really suggest telling the wife?...this is my first time to b in this "situation" ( i am 37) and i would like to exit with some grace..not sure i want to create more heartache and drama, still want to protect the MM. I would b interested to hear what people think...is it best to tell the wife?? You will get a LOT of people on here telling you to make full disclosure to the wife, that is the way the wind usually blows here anyway.... I am NOT one of those people however... I think every situation needs to be decided on it's own merits. What would be your MOTIVATION for telling her? Would it be to help her? Would it help you to move on? Or would it be to try to force a break in their relationship so you can move into that space? Would you be doing it to "get even" since he "got off scott free"? Analize your motivation for disclosure, and then ask yourself, if you were in her shoes, would you want someone with YOUR motivation disclosing to you... Sometimes the wife needs to know, she needs to be given a chance to know what is really going on.. is he a serial cheater? Was this a long term affair? Sometimes a WS just made a mistake, and they go back into their marriage in order to try to make ammends, and make their marriage work, in a situation like that I think it is up to the WS to decide how best to repair what they broke. Sometimes the pain of disclosure is not the best thing, if the WS is truly repentant and intends to NEVER again betray their BS. I am just saying, there are many different sides to this issue, you have to look at your own affair, and do what you think is best for ALL involved... remember this though.. your H and your MMs W are the innocent parties in this, they deserve above all else to be treated kindly.... Just my opinion.
1Angel Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Here is some advice you can take or leave. Keep the break permanent! If you are in NC with him, keep it up. Post here when you need support. Don't tell his wife, go on with your life. You may feel you will never find another partner like him, you may be in major depression and feel absolutely hopeless. Things will improve. You MUST believe that. You will not always feel so down. If you do, see a doctor you could have other medical issues causing it. Take care of yourself, love yourself. You're worth much more than this.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I am About a year into my seperation and finalizing the divorce...it is a result of my affair. he continues to stay married with daily promises and actions that he is going to leave his wife. they have no kids and are financially independent, I have continued to see him daily..and ofcourse sleep with him daily. i am without any defense..i am completely head over heals in love with him. most days its embarresing...sometimes its pure humiliation. The truth is, honey, if he divorced his wife tomorrow, this would not get much easier. You are in love with the "good stuff" and choosing to ingore the "bad stuff". Its easy to do in ANY situation where you are getting something that you need. It doesn't matter HOW obvious the drawbacks or the unwanted consequences are. How many atheletes, stars, politicians, and other successful independent people have lost most everthing to indulging in some type of "fix". In all honesty you should treat this as an addiction. "I know its killing me but I NEED it!" That's an unhealthy addiction. Anyone can succumb to one. Yours happens to be to a man that is unhealthy for you. The first step is admitting and owning up to your choosing the addiction. Taking personal responsibility. Get a counselor, get help, but treat it as an addiction. You can't have a few drinks, a few drags, a few hours alone with him if you want to kick the addiction. I'm not a big supporter of telling a BS when you actively chose to create the situation for them in the first place. I do believe they should know, but not at the hands of someone who chose this for them. Make this about YOU, not him. Ofcourse you've lost respect for him, the more you see him for what he is, the harder it will be for you to convince yourself that this is "right" for you. The more you see his true colors the more you will understand that he is a confused man, only HALF able to give anyone what they need. Forget the promises, he is as immersed in self-destructive behavior as you are. Forgive him, forgive yourself, and don't lose the life you've built for something that you know is harmful to you. Good luck, you've lost your marriage, I'ld hate to see it interfere with your daughter, and career.
HisSweetThing Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 How in the hell do people ever recover from the loss of someone they love so much? I am in a similar situation. I value myself, I value what I have accomplished in my life, I value my relationships with other people. I am an intelligent woman. I am not an accomplished athlete, but I workout - I teach group fitness classes at the local gym - I take pride in what I am able to accomplish through that outlet. But, here I am, just beginning the process of divorce, and I don't know if OMM will ever be mine. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love anybody. I have more passion for him than I thought I was capable of having. I'm in my early forties. I have NEVER been depressed before in my life. I never understood depression. At the beginning of our affair when OMM was trying to do the right thing, he tried to end our relationship. I was so sad and so depressed and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't recover from that until he decided to jump back into the affair. I don't like living like this. I don't like the affair. I don't like accepting bits and pieces of him. But I don't know how to live without him. I don't what I will do, if and when, I am faced with that loss. I know I haven't really given you any advice. I just want you to know that you are not the only one who feels this way. I vote no on telling the BS.
doe111 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 please read my original thread i feel awful for you i am so so sorry you are going through this, i too was told for the 2 years i was with mm that "all would be fine we will be together" etc..... and on and on and on, well today is my 2 month anniversay of NC, he dumped me in an email 2 months ago and I have not heard a word and trust me I was head over heels in love and even after everything, the way he dumped me etc.... my child was affected just everything and if you can beleive it i still miss him and love him, will i break NC? no way this is the only thing getting me through. I also am an athlete and have a great job that i have been at for over 20 years (I was only 3 weeks seperated when mm contacted me as i have known my mm since a teenager) he made all the promises down to calling school board etc.... but bottom line is when it came to him holding up his end of the deal he did not, I feel your pain and i am so so sorry for you, i think it might be time for you to do some soul searching you sound like such a nice person and you really do deserve better that this love you do hang in there we are all here for you doe111
Author kma11 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 I am more inclined to take the hardline..i got myself in, i get myself out. i am not sure i have any motivation to disclose. the affair has been going on two years. i feel like it has been destructive enough. (fyi..i also live in small town..so everyone knows my bussiness and unfortunatlely he is a public figure..i know know the plot thickens) There is that part of me that is afraid i will never feel this way again..this is the first time i have really fallen for someone. Even my marriage was due to a pregnancy. Even though i was surrounded by temptation...this was the first time anyone caught my interest. I have no history of throwing my heart around..maybe thats why this rejection has been so hard to take. Work helped alot today...i have kept away from my phone and my email. Its hard to read all the parallel stories...he is just like all the other MM. As hard as it is to swallow..i think its been a good medicine. i used to laugh at all the love songs and scoff when people talked about "missing" their partners..lol. boy do i ever understand now. I just hope the pain and heart ache will go away at some point.
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Sorry you're hurting.. Do what you can to get this guy OUT of your mind, seek counselling if need be. This situation IS unhealthy for you - It's ruined who you are inside, made you feel awful. The best thing you can do is stay in NC mode, try to grieve and heal.. Don't tell his wife, it isn't up to you to do that.. He chose his wife, and from day one you knew he was married (as were you). Maybe he led you on, gave you hope if you left your spouse, he'd leave his, I don't know..Reguardless, he's made his choice and he has every right to, like it or not. Maybe he got cold feet, decided to give up everything for the unknown was too much for him. Anyway, focus on you, your daughter and getting things back to where they should be.
scatterd Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Im sorry you have lost so much,You say his wife does not know.He tells you she does not know but I bet she feels it.I think my husband was seeing someone or is laying low.He was defensive with me,he started showering before and after work he cut his hair its been alot of things I went to see an attorney we was fighting so bad.Now we are working it out Im not sure what we are working out though.Anyway she knows its different.Him and I have along history we have had ups and downs.I know he loves me.But anyway it seems that you lost more then the mm.Think about yourself you was not alone in this A.Later down the road maybe your H might listen when the Anger is gone.Talk to people here they are kind and understanding you are not alone.I wish you the best and in time you will feel better.
Author kma11 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 please read my original thread i feel awful for you i am so so sorry you are going through this, i too was told for the 2 years i was with mm that "all would be fine we will be together" etc..... and on and on and on, well today is my 2 month anniversay of NC, he dumped me in an email 2 months ago and I have not heard a word and trust me I was head over heels in love and even after everything, the way he dumped me etc.... my child was affected just everything and if you can beleive it i still miss him and love him, will i break NC? no way this is the only thing getting me through. I also am an athlete and have a great job that i have been at for over 20 years (I was only 3 weeks seperated when mm contacted me as i have known my mm since a teenager) he made all the promises down to calling school board etc.... but bottom line is when it came to him holding up his end of the deal he did not, I feel your pain and i am so so sorry for you, i think it might be time for you to do some soul searching you sound like such a nice person and you really do deserve better that this love you do hang in there we are all here for you doe111 WOW..so good to get your message. I have had so many misconceptions about men and women who find themselves in affairs. I kinda thought we were the underbellly of society. It is comforting and disheartening at the same time to know so many normal, successfull people are struggling under the weight of the same agony. I used to think i was not susceptible to the "weakness" of loving someone sooo much that you could not let go. I admit my compassion level has fallen short in the past when my friends struggled. thank you so much for being compassionate with me...as a competitor my mantra is "the mind rules the body"...i wish i could apply the theory here as successfully as i do in the field. soo..tell me, two months out,if it has gotten any better? are you getting thru the day w/o thinking about it all the time? are you sleeping etc?
Author kma11 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 I am in a similar situation. I value myself, I value what I have accomplished in my life, I value my relationships with other people. I am an intelligent woman. I am not an accomplished athlete, but I workout - I teach group fitness classes at the local gym - I take pride in what I am able to accomplish through that outlet. But, here I am, just beginning the process of divorce, and I don't know if OMM will ever be mine. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love anybody. I have more passion for him than I thought I was capable of having. I'm in my early forties. I have NEVER been depressed before in my life. I never understood depression. At the beginning of our affair when OMM was trying to do the right thing, he tried to end our relationship. I was so sad and so depressed and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't recover from that until he decided to jump back into the affair. I don't like living like this. I don't like the affair. I don't like accepting bits and pieces of him. But I don't know how to live without him. I don't what I will do, if and when, I am faced with that loss. I know I haven't really given you any advice. I just want you to know that you are not the only one who feels this way. I vote no on telling the BS. is the divorce the result of the affair? are you still seeing the MM? i tried that for a long time..it started to make me crazy, wondered if it is doing the same to you or if you have made peace with being the OW? no judgement...just want real answers to how people cope and manage when they decided to stay in A...i thought i could do it but i cant.
doe111 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 ok this i can promise, the pain will go away at some point however not completley, i too never through my heart around and I too think that this is the only time ever that i have really loved someone. Even the father of my child i did not love this much and yes it is so hard at times but the truth be told although i miss him and i miss all the attention and all the love etc..... it is what it is and the fact still remains he is not mine he is married once you keep telling yourself that and also this worked for me, lets face it if he truely truely truely loved me and wanted to be with me then he would move mountains to be with me and in my case he did not move even a hill. this helps me stay focused even though it hurts like no tomorrow my friend the proof is in the pudding, he is still with his W also i keep thinking that even if we did end up together this is not the way to start a R as the trust would be a huge issue try to start and look at what was wrong it might make it a bit easier for you and please please take care of yourself none of us chose to be in R like this it seems as though it just happens we are all here for you hang in there Doe111
HisSweetThing Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 is the divorce the result of the affair? are you still seeing the MM? i tried that for a long time..it started to make me crazy, wondered if it is doing the same to you or if you have made peace with being the OW? no judgement...just want real answers to how people cope and manage when they decided to stay in A...i thought i could do it but i cant. The divorce is the result of the affair - it's the result of finding a love so deep and passionate. I am still seeing the OMM. It has been almost one year since the affair started. I have not made peace with being the OW. I hate it. But, at this point, I don't know how to live without him. I truly feel that, in time, he will leave and be with me 100%. I wouldn't be able to continue in the affair if I didn't believe that. He has made so many steps along the way. Entering the affair itself was a huge step for him. Admitting that he's in love with me - another huge step. I know what kind of man he is. He is not the cake-eater that LS people like to talk about. Having said that, I will not be able to do this forever. As long as our relationship and where we are in it is progressing along, I will be okay. If we reach the point where it seems to have stabilized and I feel like it's time for all or nothing, that is when I will have to find the strength to walk away. Hope that helped a little.
doe111 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 ok i just celibrated a milestone, i have gone 5 days now without crying before going to bed, and yes it gets easier i promise, I have emursed myself with my son he is in grade 6 and i am a single mom so he is keeping me busy and yes he did meet mm as he told me he had left W (long story you can read it on the site here) did i cry a ton ohhhhhh yesssss my friend did i think low of myself ohhhhhh yes did I get angry ohhhh yes you name it i have thought it one minute i hate him the next I am crying because i missed him, do i miss him yes but i do not miss the real mm? No i miss the mm that said all the correct things and made me feel exactly how he wanted me to feel good about myself, loved, cared for and the MM that said oh yes baby we will have a life together and the MM who told me to look into school boards here for my child and dont worry about any debt your debt will be mine once we are together it goes on and on and on........ however that person, that MM is not with me is he, nope he is not so with that said i have come to the conclusion that if he truely wanted to be with me the MM he would have moved mountains to do so no excuses. this also helps me get through and the distant thought that "hey i am a great catch i am good looking and have a career and i am established and i am sporty there is someone out there that is going to love me the way I want to be loved and that person will appreciate me for me and will not be attached" dont get me wrong, some mm do leave and do move on to be with OW and it works and i do not know the stat's on that but i am thinking it is low. so to answer your question YES love there is life after a MM A i promise doe111
NowhereToHide Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 The divorce is the result of the affair - it's the result of finding a love so deep and passionate. I am still seeing the OMM. It has been almost one year since the affair started. I have not made peace with being the OW. I hate it. But, at this point, I don't know how to live without him. I truly feel that, in time, he will leave and be with me 100%. I wouldn't be able to continue in the affair if I didn't believe that. He has made so many steps along the way. Entering the affair itself was a huge step for him. Admitting that he's in love with me - another huge step. I know what kind of man he is. He is not the cake-eater that LS people like to talk about. Having said that, I will not be able to do this forever. As long as our relationship and where we are in it is progressing along, I will be okay. If we reach the point where it seems to have stabilized and I feel like it's time for all or nothing, that is when I will have to find the strength to walk away. Hope that helped a little. Sweet, you posted on another thread about not being addicted, just madly in love. I think you need to reconsider. Saying things like, "I don't know how to live without him" and not seeing your MM for who he really is (and basing his character on what he both says AND does) is a sign that you're not clear-headed in this. Think about an addiction to anything.... --You think about it all the time --You get panicked at the thought of it being removed from your life --You get an immediate "high" when you get a "fix" --After contact you start looking for another fix --You are unable to stop wanting it --The thing you are addicted to is causing you pain --You can't see that the substance is "bad" for you --You don't listen to what anyone else says about it --You let other things go in your life when you have a chance to get a fix (or when you are ruminating about a fix) --Not being able to break the addiction causes depression --The only break comes when getting another fix There are a lot of similarities. And when people are addicted to a MM, just like any other substance, they need to take steps to remove the person from their lives. That, of course, only works after admitting you have a problem. I'm just pointing this out as one option to consider. You sound miserable, but at the same time you sound like you are okay with waiting around for your MM. On one hand you sound so proud of your accomplishments and so strong, but on the other you are willing to accept so little for yourself. I hope everything works out and the sadness gets better.
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