littlewhiterose Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Ok so I've noticed a trend with me. It seems like often times, I find out much much later, that a guy liked me but I hadn't realized. I'll be the first to say I'm clueless when a guy likes me. Don't know why. I just am. In a few cases, I got to talking to the guy and he'd tell me he used to like me. When I ask him why he never said or did anything, I got the " cuz I didn't think I'd have a chance" or " I didn't think you liked me back", etc. In some cases, I actually did like the guy, I was just waiting for him to make a move or whatever. But then again, other times, I've flirted/showed interest and the guy has backed off. It just seems like missed opportunities more often than not. What gives? Is it possible I'm doing something wrong that I'm not realizing?
alphamale Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Is it possible I'm doing something wrong that I'm not realizing? yes, YOU need to show interest in the dude first and then see if he bites. by showing interest i don't mean asking him out. i mean more non-verbal stuff and asking him questioins about himself and making yourself "available" to him. giving him hints and stuff like that. eye contact and smiling and laughing at his stupid jokes that you hate. after you do that its his job to ask you out. if he doesn't get the hints then he's not worth dating anyways. remember that its usually the female that starts AND ends relationships with men.
Double Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 OP, how old are you? I used to get that a lot when I was in high school, and maybe the first year of college. I personally think that guys that say that aren't exactly lying, but that they didn't have a high interest level to begin with, or in some cases, they're just trying to use that to hook up with you NOW. But, I tend to not put much stock in what people say, only what they do. Experience taught me that. Aside from that, good advice from Alphamale.
Author littlewhiterose Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 Alpha, that's what I'm saying. Sometimes I do show interest first but that's when he backs off. That's what confuses me... Double, I'm definitely well past high school...25+
alphamale Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Alpha, that's what I'm saying. Sometimes I do show interest first but that's when he backs off. That's what confuses me... well then they are idiots and you don't want anything to do with them
Ruby Slippers Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I am 33, and I only recently began to figure out the signals that a guy is interested in me (short of him being very obvious about it). I don't know how many times in the past someone has said to me, "That guy was tooootally hitting on you," and I'm like "What?" I don't like to assume anything, so I don't assume someone is flirting with me unless he makes it very clear. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. If a guy is really interested, he will step up and let you know. And if not, his loss.
Isolde Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I could have written this post. I fear that whenever I go out on a limb it turns out he's not interested and when I'm more recessive and conservative, it turns out he was but needed more of a green light.
Johnny M Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 (edited) In some cases, I actually did like the guy, I was just waiting for him to make a move or whatever. But then again, other times, I've flirted/showed interest and the guy has backed off. It just seems like missed opportunities more often than not. What gives? Is it possible I'm doing something wrong that I'm not realizing? Yes, you're doing something wrong. People who are passive and wait for things to simply fall into place rarely get ahead in life. And while it's true that men ask women out more frequently than the other way around, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman choosing to indicate her attraction in a direct manner. The worst thing that could happen is a man not interested in you getting flattered by your attention... There are many possible explanations for why a guy you like is not making the first move or seemingly "backing off" when you start flirting. He could be as clueless at reading signals as you are....or he could simply be a little shy. Also, many men get nervous around women they find attractive (which is apparently something that women often don't realize...). All of this is especially true of guys who are in their teens/early 20s and have limited experience with women. Edited October 12, 2009 by Johnny M
Toe Jam Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 my experience is that there are not a lot of women who are versed in the art of flirting with men. women must understand that a guy needs encouragement to approach and ask a woman out. we HATE rejection just like everyone. when a woman likes a man she should make it obvious but not in a totally direct way. it comes natural to some women who are very feminine but to the majority it does not. when most women see a man they like they clam up and avoid making indirect contact with him. they keep yaking with their friends or avoid makeing eye contact or smiling at hims. or they just look at him when he's not looking at her. some women really need to grow up and learn the rules of the flirting game. men also. basically if there is someone you like just show your interest in SOME way and if they don't respond or aren't interested then you just move on. its simple as that
Author littlewhiterose Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 Yes, you're doing something wrong. People who are passive and wait for things to simply fall into place rarely get ahead in life. . Sugar coat it why don'tcha!?! So basically you're saying I'm being passive and he out for an ego boost?
Kamille Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I agree learning how to flirst goes a long way. You say that you've made it obvious in the past that you were interested in a guy. What exactly did you do? What I do when I'm into a guy is very simple: I touch his arm, lower back or even knees/legs. Works every time.
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Sugar coat it why don'tcha!?! So basically you're saying I'm being passive and he out for an ego boost? No, that's not at all what I'm saying. What I meant to say is that if you're really interested in a guy and he's not asking you out, maybe you should consider making the first move.
Author littlewhiterose Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 What kind of flirting do I do? well, I'm told I have a flirty personality to begin with. My friend once teased me to "stop flirting" with another person we were talking to- when I was totally not even trying to flirt! When I do flirt, I tend to speak through my eyes. I touch his arm when talking, or if I'm passing by him in tight spaces-LADIES you know what I'm talking about. I guess I just try to be really open socially, laugh at his jokes etc., and not be closed off. I don't know. I get more attention from the guys I'm not interested in at all than the ones I am!
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 What kind of flirting do I do? well, I'm told I have a flirty personality to begin with. My friend once teased me to "stop flirting" with another person we were talking to- when I was totally not even trying to flirt! I think that's a big part of your problem. If you flirt with everybody, how is a guy supposed to know that you are flirting with him because you like him and not just because you have a "flirty personality"? Talk about confusing signals. I get more attention from the guys I'm not interested in at all than the ones I am! Believe it or not, this is true for most people - both men and women.
Author littlewhiterose Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) Yowza! How'd we get here? No, what I said was I've been told I come off as flirty, even when I'm not in any way trying to. I think there's a difference. I do NOT flirt with everyone. Nor do I try. That's not my style. At the point where I snap out of my cluelessness & (finally ) realize someone is hitting on me, if I'm not interested- I make it clear that I'm not interested. That's why I'm still so confused. Edited October 13, 2009 by littlewhiterose
alphamale Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I get more attention from the guys I'm not interested in at all than the ones I am! well those clowns aren't reading your signals (or lack of signals) and are just approaching you randomly...
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Yowza! How'd we get here? No, what I said was I've been told I come off as flirty, even when I'm not in any way trying to. I think there's a difference. No, there is no difference. I mean, from YOUR standpoint, there is a difference. However, in other people's eyes, there is no difference. What's going on in your head doesn't matter - it's all about how others perceive you. So if you come across as a huge flirt, people will assume that you are one. I mean, how is a guy supposed to tell that you are actually flirting with him as opposed to just appearing that way because of your "flirty personality"? Think about it.
Author littlewhiterose Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 I don't know if I agree with this. I said I make it very clear when I am not interested. This is where some guys say they didnt' think they had a chance. I'm not socially open to just anybody. I AM open to the people I do know. I dunno, I feel like I'm repeating myself here. Not trying to pick on you JohnnyM but I feel like you've taken that one thing I said and ran with it...*confused*
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) I don't know if I agree with this. I said I make it very clear when I am not interested. This is where some guys say they didnt' think they had a chance. I'm not socially open to just anybody. I AM open to the people I do know. I dunno, I feel like I'm repeating myself here. Not trying to pick on you JohnnyM but I feel like you've taken that one thing I said and ran with it...*confused* I'm not trying to pick on you either. You asked for an opinion, I gave you mine. If you think I'm wrong, feel free to disregard it. But it sounds like you are upset because my explanation makes sense, yet it's not what you wanted to hear. The bottom line is this: 1) You have yourself admitted that you have a flirty personality and that you often come across as flirty even when you're not consciously trying to flirt. 2) A man would normally regard an overly flirtatious woman as a "tease" or an attention whore. This is a fact, by the way. It's really not that hard to put 1 and 2 together....In fact, this thread reminds me of a girl who was in my program in uni. She was very good looking and flirted with just about everybody, or so it seemed. Initially, a lot of guys were interested in her, for obvious reasons (blond, pretty face, big tits...) but after a couple of weeks everyone started to regard her as a flake. The only guys who continued showering her with attention were the desperate hangers on who obviously had no chance yet were still hoping that their "friendship" would eventually grow into something more if the stars aligned just right... Edited October 13, 2009 by Johnny M
Author littlewhiterose Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) I'm not trying to pick on you either. You asked for an opinion, I gave you mine. If you think I'm wrong, feel free to disregard it. But it sounds like you are upset because my explanation makes sense, yet it's not what you wanted to hear. Woooow, really? Does anyone else agree? Because now I disagree! Edited October 13, 2009 by littlewhiterose
Kamille Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) Hmm intriguing, but I think Johnny M does have a point that if you come off as flirty, it might be tougher for guys to have the guts to approach you (without it meaning, like he says, that you might come off as being a tease). You could ask your friends what it is you do that makes them think of you as having a flirtatious personality. A few friends of mine fit that description, and they're often completely unaware that they are touching some random guys arms or leaning in, or laughing while touching their upper buddies, etc. I should know so for I already confronted one of my friends who had been flirting with my date and she had no idea that she had spent the whole night laughing, leaning in, and touching his knee. Ask your friends and maybe you can adjust so that guys can distinguish betwene you being fun and you actually wanting to let them know you're interested. But something else caught my attention... What do you mean when you're not interested, you let a them know? How do you do that? Edited October 13, 2009 by Kamille
Author littlewhiterose Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 I think what made me so defensive was him telling me how to feel. And I was a little put off by the declaration of him being right. I like to look at all angles before coming to a decision. Again I could be defensive because I simply took it wrong. I asked a gf to evaluate how I come off and she said I'm expressive and animated when I talk. And that have a "je ne sais quoi" thing going. haha, whatever that means. No pun intended. If I am not interested, I become colder, less engaging. I'll only answer what is asked of me and I won't try to prolong the convo. If he's not getting it, I'll excuse myself and step away for a bit but won't return to where he is. I try to do it diplomatically. If they don't get it the first time, then I'll go on "do not disturb". Seriously though, I am taking in everything, so thanks for the suggestions! I appreciate it!
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