mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 (edited) Ok so for some reason my thoughts are a hot topic on this board. I appreciate everyone's comments. Good & bad. Its helpful in sorting this all out. And I seem to be focused on the AP. Its because I am. Right now I'm giving my BH a chance to figure out his thoughts. Its a lot for him to work through. I love him, would gladly accept any chance of being in his life. I do not want to force him though. So I'm nice and friendly and just taking it one day at a time. So the NC part. Posters have talked a good bit about going NC because it stops the "hold" that the AP has on them. It cuts them off and stops them from keeping the OW around for when they decide they want/need them. In other words it helps you to heal while stopping the manipulation from the man who just wants you as a play toy. I get it. But isnt NC a form of manipulation for the OW too? So I dont answer his calls. Thats giving me the control here. I still know he wants at least something to do with me, but I'm the one making the choice not to participate (even though inside its sooo hard to do this). And if i see him and he talks to me, i run and dont oblige. How is this not manipulating him? Isnt it sort of playing a game? Its not what i really want to do inside but its just a futile attempt to not allow him to control me anymore. Isnt this putting me on his level? Edited October 12, 2009 by mybrowneyedgirl spelling :)
NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Ok so for some reason my thoughts are a hot topic on this board. I appreciate everyone's comments. Good & bad. Its helpful in sorting this all out. And I seem to be focused on the AP. Its because I am. Right now I'm giving my BH a chance to figure out his thoughts. Its a lot for him to work through. I love him, would gladly accept any chance of being in his life. I do not want to force him though. So I'm nice and friendly and just taking it one day at a time. So the NC part. Posters have talked a good bit about going NC because it stops the "hold" that the AP has on them. It cuts them off and stops them from keeping the OW around for when they decide they want/need them. In other words it helps you to heal while stopping the manipulation from the man who just wants you as a play toy. I get it. But isnt NC a form of manipulation for the OW too? So I dont answer his calls. Thats giving me the control here. I still know he wants at least something to do with me, but I'm the one making the choice not to participate (even though inside its sooo hard to do this). And if i see him and he talks to me, i run and dont oblige. How is this not manipulating him? Isnt it sort of playing a game? Its not what i really want to do inside but its just a futile attempt to not allow him to control me anymore. Isnt this putting me on his level? NO. It's not putting you on his level. It is putting YOU in control of YOUR life. It's taking your power back. It's not a manipulation... if anything it is stopping the manipulation that he is a part of. Listen, I know that NC is hard. I JUST did it and I'm struggling. And I know that when my xAP realizes that I went NC (he will probably send me an email this week and it will be kicked back to him as a closed acct), he is going to be confused, maybe hurt, maybe pissed. My xAP absolutely wants me in his life as a "friend". He wants it on his terms. He wants to keep me around because I still make him feel good about himself.... But it was all about what HE wanted. When I first came on these boards, everyone told me that NC was the only way to go. I truly believed that I would NEVER be capable of pulling the trigger. But I now believe that it is really the only way for me to fully get over him and this "hold" he has over me. And it's time for me to start thinking about how I feel and not caring that his feelings will be hurt. He's a big boy. He'll figure it out. I tried LC forever.... it didn't work. There were still too many feelings on both sides. I don't believe he would ever have said goodbye to me (which is probably the same for your MM). So, if he can't then it's up to me. Hold your head high. Realize you deserve better. Focus on your marriage and give your H every reason to believe that you are committed to him and only him.
NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 And something else to think about.... What if you DON'T go NC? Then what? Are you going to indefinitely be in this position of being drawn to him and then disappointed? Because you can read many stories on these boards about women who have literally wasted decades on men that never left their wives. Are you willing to feel this pain forever? I finally got so tired of the pain and disappointment that I knew something had to give. I had to FINALLY do something that was right... Think about it. What's the alternative to getting this man out of your life completely?
PhoenixRise Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Ok so for some reason my thoughts are a hot topic on this board. I appreciate everyone's comments. Good & bad. Its helpful in sorting this all out. And I seem to be focused on the AP. Its because I am. Right now I'm giving my BH a chance to figure out his thoughts. Its a lot for him to work through. I love him, would gladly accept any chance of being in his life. I do not want to force him though. So I'm nice and friendly and just taking it one day at a time. So the NC part. Posters have talked a good bit about going NC because it stops the "hold" that the AP has on them. It cuts them off and stops them from keeping the OW around for when they decide they want/need them. In other words it helps you to heal while stopping the manipulation from the man who just wants you as a play toy. I get it. But isnt NC a form of manipulation for the OW too? So I dont answer his calls. Thats giving me the control here. I still know he wants at least something to do with me, but I'm the one making the choice not to participate (even though inside its sooo hard to do this). And if i see him and he talks to me, i run and dont oblige. How is this not manipulating him? Isnt it sort of playing a game? Its not what i really want to do inside but its just a futile attempt to not allow him to control me anymore. Isnt this putting me on his level? Why don't you WANT control of your own life? Why is it OK with you if MM is in control of the relationship? Why is taking control of your own life seen as manipulation?
mourningMM Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 But isnt NC a form of manipulation for the OW too? It is all about your intent. If you are doing something to punish him or coerce him, or tempt him, or challeng him, then yes it is manipulative. But if you are stopping contact to allow you to heal, and clear your head, then you are not being at all manipulative. You are establishing a boundary. And in my opinion boundaries are the essential missing link that affair partners have! And the essential missing link that most damaged relationships have! Read this: http://lifeesteem.org/wellness/wellness_boundaries.html Hopefully this helps.
Fallen Angel Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 It is only manipulation if your intent is to "punish him" for not showing you enough attention and you have no intention of MAINTAINING the NC. That is what I was trying to get across in the other thread. If you are going NC with the intent of moving on with your life and healing then from what everryone here says that is a HUGE step in the direction of getting your own power back and I would applaud you!!! However, if you are using it as a last ditch effort to draw him back into you, to re-establish the affair, then JUST be HONEST with YOURSELF about that. Look, I am an OW still very much in the midst of my affair. I understand the want, I understand the need, I understand the ache. And I understand not being ready to let go. But, I think it will be a huge mistake to tell him you want NC if it is just to "shock him" because down the road when you REALLY are ready to go NC he won't believe you. And it will be harder to maintain. That is just my opinion, hun. I see you hurting so much, and struggling so hard. I know there is a lot of pressure on you here to end things, but you need to do what is best for YOUR EMOTIONAL HEALTH TODAY, despite what I or anyone else here thinks. We do not live in your skin, make your own choices hun!! ((HUGS))
Spoiled Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 NO. It's not putting you on his level. It is putting YOU in control of YOUR life. It's taking your power back. It's not a manipulation... if anything it is stopping the manipulation that he is a part of. Listen, I know that NC is hard. I JUST did it and I'm struggling. And I know that when my xAP realizes that I went NC (he will probably send me an email this week and it will be kicked back to him as a closed acct), he is going to be confused, maybe hurt, maybe pissed. My xAP absolutely wants me in his life as a "friend". He wants it on his terms. He wants to keep me around because I still make him feel good about himself.... But it was all about what HE wanted. When I first came on these boards, everyone told me that NC was the only way to go. I truly believed that I would NEVER be capable of pulling the trigger. But I now believe that it is really the only way for me to fully get over him and this "hold" he has over me. And it's time for me to start thinking about how I feel and not caring that his feelings will be hurt. He's a big boy. He'll figure it out. I tried LC forever.... it didn't work. There were still too many feelings on both sides. I don't believe he would ever have said goodbye to me (which is probably the same for your MM). So, if he can't then it's up to me. Hold your head high. Realize you deserve better. Focus on your marriage and give your H every reason to believe that you are committed to him and only him. Totally AGREE. My IC told me that one day I would get "tired of torturing yourself" and "tired of being sick and tired" of holding on and one day I GOT TIRED. Tired of worrying if he was going to call, checking my email several times a day to see if he had written, worrying about his W's fb action, worrying about whether or not he truly loved me or just using me, worried if our spouses would find out that we continued our A months after d-day, tired of taking time away from my children to call/email, tired of being dishonest, tired of not getting enough rest from guilt, tired of feeling like I needed someone to validate me, tired of relying on a man versus my Saviour, and so much more. My xAP wanted to hold on, wanted us to continue our friendship even if we never saw each other again. But the feelings were still there, and everytime we continued communicating, nothing got better. I still miss him, but not as often, I still hurt, but less frequent. But I do NOT regret initiating and maintaining NC. Did not even give him a chance to respond, like nowheretohide, I do not know how he felt when his most likely response via email bounced back. He does have my cell# but I doubt he will ever call, my NC email was short and firm. Like an earlier thread I was reading, my xAP continued after my H requested him not to contact me but when I did it, nothing. He probably thought I would run back like I did several times before. Not this time. You can do it too. Trust me, my M did not start to improve until I completely let the A go.
NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Totally AGREE. My IC told me that one day I would get "tired of torturing yourself" and "tired of being sick and tired" of holding on and one day I GOT TIRED. Tired of worrying if he was going to call, checking my email several times a day to see if he had written, worrying about his W's fb action, worrying about whether or not he truly loved me or just using me, worried if our spouses would find out that we continued our A months after d-day, tired of taking time away from my children to call/email, tired of being dishonest, tired of not getting enough rest from guilt, tired of feeling like I needed someone to validate me, tired of relying on a man versus my Saviour, and so much more. My xAP wanted to hold on, wanted us to continue our friendship even if we never saw each other again. But the feelings were still there, and everytime we continued communicating, nothing got better. I still miss him, but not as often, I still hurt, but less frequent. But I do NOT regret initiating and maintaining NC. Did not even give him a chance to respond, like nowheretohide, I do not know how he felt when his most likely response via email bounced back. He does have my cell# but I doubt he will ever call, my NC email was short and firm. Like an earlier thread I was reading, my xAP continued after my H requested him not to contact me but when I did it, nothing. He probably thought I would run back like I did several times before. Not this time. You can do it too. Trust me, my M did not start to improve until I completely let the A go. Wow. I could have written that. It's amazing how many stories on here are so universal. How long have you been NC, Spoiled? I'm so glad to hear that things feel better. I just went full NC this past weekend (tried it before, but caved when my xAP emailed back to "talk" about it). I hate to admit it, but I am struggling today. Many have said it gets worse before it gets better. I am determined to do this now. I love my H too much to continue to be absent from our life together.
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