base618 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Can’t believe I’m posting again. It’s been a while. Coming up on two years since I found out about the ex’s affair. Here is what I’m struggling with: I was married for 14 months. All 14 months were spent trying to conceive. Mid October of 2007 we got our test result from our 2nd insemination attempt (negative) and I found out about the emotional affair. By the end of November, she was living with him. In a span of 6 weeks we went from trying to start a family to her living with another man. For those 6 weeks I knew about the EA, and in hindsight were 6 weeks of non-stop lying on her part. She had wanted to go away and spend some time alone to contemplate the marriage, the baby, etc. For being a smart woman, she wasn’t so smart… she packed lingerie. The OM was a friend/co-worker as well. So while she was away, I called and told her I knew what was going on, there was yelling, name calling, etc. I told her I never wanted to see her face again… and I didn’t. That’s the problem, I never really got closure. She hugged me and kissed me when she left telling me that she wanted to make things work…all lies. He only lived 2 miles from me, so for another four months I had to just about drive by his house on the way home from work. I never spoke to her on the phone or saw her again, whole divorce was done via email. I was trying to ‘take the high road’ so I basically made it easy for her. I never got to really yell at her, never got an apology, nothing, just never saw or spoke to her again. Now two years later, I still find myself in the morning reliving some of the lies, and going over in my head all the ways I should have made it difficult for her, or how I should have done things differently. Everyone tells me that I’ll feel better in the long run for not doing those things, but it’s two years now… and I’m still coming up with ways I should have responded to the situation. I went to therapy for a while, at one point I was supposed to write a letter to her that we were going to burn in the parking lot to get some sort of closure. I wrote it, my therapist read it, and told me to send it to her, they were things that I needed to say and have her hear. I did, and for about 6 months everything seemed better… but now I’m back to where I was. Not a day goes by where I don’t get angry at her. I don’t even know the reasons anymore, just anger. I heard that it takes a year to get over a divorce… I’m coming up on two now and I seem just as angry as I did the day she left. Short of acting out what I want to do… what can be done to let go of the anger?
JaggedRoad Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 (edited) I screamed in the shower a few times last week to let out my anger. You can try it if you want, but your neighbors might call the cops if your scream resembles anything like mine (I sounded like I was getting stabbed). But other than that, don't beat yourself up because you're still angry. I would be too if I were in your situation. You definitely deserve better than someone who's willing to leave her husband so eagerly because she cannot conceive. I hope you find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Stay strong. Edited October 12, 2009 by JaggedRoad
seibert253 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Go back to counseling. You need it. It will take twice as long to get over this without it.
dgiirl Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I heard that it takes a year to get over a divorce… I’m coming up on two now and I seem just as angry as I did the day she left. Short of acting out what I want to do… what can be done to let go of the anger? From my friends who have gone through it, they told me it took them nearly four years! Now that I've reached my four year mark, I still find myself angry if I think of him! BUT I do not think of him very often these days. I'm not sure if my pain or anger will ever fully go away. However, I try my hardest to refocus my attention to the present, reflect on what I can learn from my past, and what I want for my future. There is nothing you can do about your past. The only thing you have control over is not allow that event to define who you are and become bitter. Be determined to be a better person and move on. She inflicted a lot of pain in the past but don't allow her to ruin your future. Do not become a victim. You are stronger than that and you can have a better life than that.
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