shazam Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Hi all, need some advice. Ive been divorced for over 18 months. My ex would not accept the marriage was over and basically did everything possible (besides counseling, that he wouldnt do) to prevent the finalization. It took a court order to get him out of the house. It has been a year since that court order and he has refused to pay for or see our 2 kids ever since. Everyday he begs for me back, he is using the children as his last bit of leverage to try and control me. For me there is no chance of ever entering into a romantic relationship with him again, but should I entertain his requests to sit down and talk? I've heard the same story daily for the past year, that the divorce was unfair and how wrong it was of me and blah blah blah. I dont accept the guilt trips, but my kids are hurting and I am willing to do anything short of getting back together so that they can have a dad. Any advice?
Athena Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 you should not entertain the idea of allowing him to blackmail you in order to give up some of his precious time with his own children! Then what will you do when he ups the ante and starts to demand more than 'just a talk' with you? The emotional blackmailing will never end... Tell him he is a POS for treating his kids poorly, and when they grow up they will likely want nothing to do with him, unless he takes time now to cultivate a loving, caring relationship with him... Can't an uncle help step in as a male figure of some sort, for your children, since your H is clearly disabled in this area...?
Meaplus3 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Hi all, need some advice. Ive been divorced for over 18 months. My ex would not accept the marriage was over and basically did everything possible (besides counseling, that he wouldnt do) to prevent the finalization. It took a court order to get him out of the house. It has been a year since that court order and he has refused to pay for or see our 2 kids ever since. Everyday he begs for me back, he is using the children as his last bit of leverage to try and control me. For me there is no chance of ever entering into a romantic relationship with him again, but should I entertain his requests to sit down and talk? I've heard the same story daily for the past year, that the divorce was unfair and how wrong it was of me and blah blah blah. I dont accept the guilt trips, but my kids are hurting and I am willing to do anything short of getting back together so that they can have a dad. Any advice? I think you both need to sit down and talk like adults here. There are children involved and what is in the best for the CHILDREN should be first and foremost in order. I'm sorry your going through this. His attempts to use the children as pawns, IMO is just sick. Now as for getting back together if this man controls you, why on earth would you want to get back together with him? That would not at all be healthy for YOU or your Kids. I think you have much to think about here. I wish you the best and I feel for you. Mea:)
2sure Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 He is not very interested in parenting the children is he? He is not very interested in their well being. Period. If you sit down with him and talk him into taking an interest...when they spend time with him he will barrage them with : look what your mother has done to me, she keeps me from you, she has ruined me, she is the bad guy. Now, you probably dont really care what he says about you but - They will feel sorry for him and responsible for not making him feel bad. Its an ugly ugly thing. It is not parenting. Seeing an uninterested selfish parent can be worse than not seeing him at all.
Author shazam Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Thank you for the empathy and words of advice. I know in my heart of hearts that this is ultimately his choice and I will not be able to do much to convince him otherwise. I have tried many times talking it through with him. He claims that he loves the children very much, but cant stand that we are no longer a cohesive family unit and would not be able to 'cope' with kids but no wife. Just writing about the situation helps me recognize how utterly sick this man is. With or without him, my kids are going to be hurting.
ADF Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Don't talk to him anymore expcet through an attorney. And if he's not paying child support, he's breaking the law. He can go to jail. He can't make him a nice guy, but you can make him fulfill his legal obligations. Do so.
ADF Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Hi all, need some advice. Ive been divorced for over 18 months. My ex would not accept the marriage was over and basically did everything possible (besides counseling, that he wouldnt do) to prevent the finalization. It took a court order to get him out of the house. It has been a year since that court order and he has refused to pay for or see our 2 kids ever since. Everyday he begs for me back, he is using the children as his last bit of leverage to try and control me. For me there is no chance of ever entering into a romantic relationship with him again, but should I entertain his requests to sit down and talk? I've heard the same story daily for the past year, that the divorce was unfair and how wrong it was of me and blah blah blah. I dont accept the guilt trips, but my kids are hurting and I am willing to do anything short of getting back together so that they can have a dad. Any advice? From now on, only talk to your ex-husband through a lawyer. It is sad when things come to that, but it sounds like your ex is just not willing to be reasonable. If your husband is refusing to pay child support, he is in violation of a court order and can go to jail for contempt. You cannot make him be a good guy or a good father, but at least make sure he pays what he owes.
Boundary Problem Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 1. all communication via email or fax (written record). Change your password on your computer and email accounts - chances are he's reading them. Keep a printout binder of all emails at your work, or at relatives house (stuff sometimes goes missing) 2. Once a month ask in the email if he wants to see the kids. Set out some suggested times. 3. Regularly inform him via email of their activities. Invite him to their birthday parties etc. Make a note of when he actually attends an activity or a birthday party and whether he brought a gift. Make a note if he attends parent teacher interviews. 4. Start an excel spreadsheet on the money issues. What he owes you for. Keep every receipt in a binder (keep the binder at work or at a relatives house). The jig is up when it converts to an email relationship. When they know a judge might read all the emails, then suddenly they think twice. They might still engage in the same inane behaviours, but at least you have a written record of attempts to make the children available to him. Put in regular requests for money to get the pattern established - even if you would rather eat nails. Kids cost money to raise. He has to get used to paying. His agenda is to hurt you. Start protecting yourself for when he switches gears to a new tactic. The written records will be a godsend.
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