mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Not sure why i need to put this out there. Am I trying to convince myself? probably. And maybe its for the "chase," but I'm done talking to him when he wants it. He made his choice and I'm not sticking around, no matter how it hurts. I'm done calling, attempting to keep him as my friend or keep a tiny piece of him in my life. He's obviously doing what he really wants - no matter if he feels its his obligation or not. So I'm sticking to my guns and cutting him off. Let him suffer for a while...
Fallen Angel Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Not sure why i need to put this out there. Am I trying to convince myself? probably. And maybe its for the "chase," but I'm done talking to him when he wants it. He made his choice and I'm not sticking around, no matter how it hurts. I'm done calling, attempting to keep him as my friend or keep a tiny piece of him in my life. He's obviously doing what he really wants - no matter if he feels its his obligation or not. So I'm sticking to my guns and cutting him off. Let him suffer for a while... For a while?
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 meaning its his turn. ive done the suffering till now. not my deal anymore. however long it last him. im passing it on.
scatterd Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Sound like your mad what happened do you want to talk?
2sure Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Thats probably the best thing to do for both of you and your marriages. As it is, since he has decided to work on the marriage...he is no doubt struggling with missing the affair as you are. And thats natural and to be expected. It is probably difficult for him to receive your messages, as it is difficult for you when you receive his response or no response. The reason he is working on his marriage shouldnt be a factor in YOUR decisions. No Contact is really the only way to end an affair, still talking, still friends, leaving any door open is just a form of continuation - often just prolonging a painful process.
NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Not sure why i need to put this out there. Am I trying to convince myself? probably. And maybe its for the "chase," but I'm done talking to him when he wants it. He made his choice and I'm not sticking around, no matter how it hurts. I'm done calling, attempting to keep him as my friend or keep a tiny piece of him in my life. He's obviously doing what he really wants - no matter if he feels its his obligation or not. So I'm sticking to my guns and cutting him off. Let him suffer for a while... I tried to keep my xAP as a friend for far too long. I was terrified of NOT having him in my life. We had both committed to our marriages and knew that the A had nowhere to go. It took me forever to go NC. And it hurts like hell. But I can tell you that doing it to "make him suffer" is going to backfire. Do it for YOU. Do it because you deserve better. Do it because he has chosen someone else. But don't do it to send him a message. Because it will just lead you to getting sucked back in when he comes back and "misses you" but still won't change his decision to stay with his W. Stick to your guns. But reframe it in your mind. You're doing this for you. At the end of the day, he doesn't care enough about you. You shouldn't care if this hurts him. Hang in there.
bentnotbroken Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 meaning its his turn. ive done the suffering till now. not my deal anymore. however long it last him. im passing it on. This thinking is going to get you right back at square one. You nor he know(nor seem to care)about either of your families suffering. You and he are still the center of your attention. You sound so much like forbidden fruit.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 meaning its his turn. ive done the suffering till now. not my deal anymore. however long it last him. im passing it on. If you really and truly mean this, then back this up with actions.. You've had D-Days already, so NOW is the time to either divorce your husband or fix things with him. Going back and forth, continuing your (selfish) affair HAS to end. The choice is YOURS.
Fallen Angel Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I am just concerned that you are doing this for the wrong reasons. IN MY OPINION, it sounds like you are doing it to punish him, make him see what he is missing rather than that you truly want NC. It sounds like, TO ME, that you will "let him suffer for a while" and when it bothers him enough and he sends enough emails, texts, IMs, calls, then you will start responding again when you think he has "learned his lesson". I know that you want more than always being last. (((HUGS))) Just do things because YOU WANT TO, WHEN YOU ARE READY TO, and FOR REASONS OF HEALING YOURSELF.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 well i admit it. i have no idea what my motives are here. to me theres just something wrong with the fact that i'm allowing him access to me when he wants it. so if he decides theres other priorities in his life he needs to own that, and that means all parts of it. im not going to facilitate him having it both ways.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 to me theres just something wrong with the fact that i'm allowing him access to me when he wants it. so if he decides theres other priorities in his life he needs to own that, Why not just own what YOU need to own and forget him? You and him are 50-50 here, neither of you worse than the other. Focus on YOU, YOUR HUSBAND and marriage - Not what MM might be doing/thinking. He has his life, you have yours. If you don't want it both ways, then CUT HIM OFF. Change your email address, block his cell number, change your cell number - Make it IMPOSSIBLE for him to contact you. Be active in this and stick to NC. To put all the blame on him that he keeps sucking you back in isn't facing what YOU need to face.
NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 well i admit it. i have no idea what my motives are here. to me theres just something wrong with the fact that i'm allowing him access to me when he wants it. so if he decides theres other priorities in his life he needs to own that, and that means all parts of it. im not going to facilitate him having it both ways. BrownEyed... you really need to figure out what you want here. You can't have them both. You have lost your MM already and you're coming dangerously close to losing your H for good (if you haven't already). I am married, too. I was EXACTLY where you are now. I was angry, pissed, hurt... I did what you are doing now. I thought if I just ignored him he would miss me so much that he'd come back to me in the way I wanted him to. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK. It took me a long time to get over the rejection. I think that's what you're dealing with. It sucks to have someone not "choose" you. But you need to let him go. You are SO focused on HIM. Can you see that? You are laser-focused on this man that is now with his family. You are ignoring your H and your children to make this man (and the hurt he is inflicting) the center of your universe. I did the same thing. IT'S A WASTE OF TIME. Trust me. Choose. If you want the MM, then choose him. There's not much chance you'll get him but at least it's a choice. Leave your family officially and move on. Be the other woman if he'll even let you. Make him your focus. But stop fence-sitting. Or if you want your H, then GO NC with this man and move forward. Don't look back. Throw yourself into your marriage and your kids. Give it 100%. Go to MC. BUT MAKE A CHOICE. I'm not hearing you talk at all about what you're going to do. All I hear is how much you miss the MM, how angry you are at him for not missing you the same way.
fooled once Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 You are living your life wrapped up in men. How about stop leaning on men to support you and stand up on your own. Stay with this MM --- and you continue to be the OW. You are CHOOSING to talk to him. You are CHOOSING to allow him to dictate your life. You are CHOOSING to let him into your life. He told you he is staying with his wife. He has told you he is staying with his wife. I know it hurts; but you need to accept his words.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 being the OW, especially for a long time changes you as a person. youre always second. youre the second one he calls to tell good morning. the first to get cancelled on when her plans change. the one who always has to be understanding of the situation no matter how it hurts. it beats you down, breaks your heart, crushes you and leaves you only a shell of who you used to be. so im not the same strong confident girl that i used to be. im forever changed in a bad way. it takes away the assertiveness, the self respect and the tools needed to make the right decisions. its easy to know what you should do, but after all of these years of telling myself i deserve less because of the situation i placed myself in, i dont have the strength that i once had.
bentnotbroken Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Changes are constant. That is unless you are giving up and playing dead. As long as there is breath in our lungs, a will in our heart and determination in our souls, we can grow and change. But all the decisions are yours to make. Do you think it was easy to walk away from a person I had known more than half my life? A person who told me I was nothing without him loving me? A person who told me that I was stupid, lazy and unambitious? You know what he was wrong on so many levels, that I can't even begin to describe the place that he had his head stuck. Get a grip and get control of your life and thoughts. Have you thought of IC counseling.
kma11 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 being the OW diminishes and destroys you...its leaves destruction everywhere. I really hope you can find the strength to get the pre-affair confidence back. i believe you can...but it cant be done while you are under the watch of a MM. i am convinced of that.
NowhereToHide Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 being the OW, especially for a long time changes you as a person. youre always second. youre the second one he calls to tell good morning. the first to get cancelled on when her plans change. the one who always has to be understanding of the situation no matter how it hurts. it beats you down, breaks your heart, crushes you and leaves you only a shell of who you used to be. so im not the same strong confident girl that i used to be. im forever changed in a bad way. it takes away the assertiveness, the self respect and the tools needed to make the right decisions. its easy to know what you should do, but after all of these years of telling myself i deserve less because of the situation i placed myself in, i dont have the strength that i once had. You are exactly where I was two weeks after my A ended... actually you sound BETTER than I was believe it or not. Browneyed... I see so much of me in you. I am really trying to help you because I have been there. I was feeling the depth of despair and worthlessness that you are feeling now. I am no longer like that. Yes, I'm struggling with NC right now, but it is NOTHING compared to the depression I had 6 months ago. You said you love your husband, that you choose your husband. You are only going to have one chance at this. I don't want you to not see what's in front of you and end up without anyone because you just didn't see it. You are grieving. You are feeling rejected. It is horrible. I've been there. It sucks big time. It makes you feel horrible and most likely it's tapping into some deep-seated issues you have from childhood. You are addicted to him and how he made you feel. Please go and buy the "how to break your addiction to a person book" tomorrow. Then, call and get yourself into IC -- it is incredibly isolating not to have anyone to talk to and to work through your feelings with. A therapist can help you sort through your feelings and help you see things that you maybe can't see right now because of the pain. You are changed, but I guarantee you it is NOT for the worse. In fact, you will see that in time you will be changed for the better. My therapist likes to refer to it as me being grateful for the "presents in ugly wrapping". You will have many gifts out of this -- I know it feels like that's impossible (that's how I felt initially), but it IS true. You still have your self respect, assertiveness and confidence. It's there. It just needs to be exercised again like a muscle. You've forgotten who you are because you essentially started to look to another person for validation -- for him to TELL you that you are all of those things in more. When all along you've had those traits. You just forgot about them. Now is the time to find them again. You ARE strong... so much stronger than you think you are. Look around you at the things you've done RIGHT. Was the affair the wrong thing, YES. Will you forever regret it, YES. But does it forever paint you as a horrible person? NO. You have spent too much time being second, when all along you have been first with your husband. It's time to say goodbye to someone that doesn't appreciate you for all of your gifts and to turn back towards the man that married you BECAUSE of those gifts. He's been there all along. And while you may not be addicted/attached/yearning for him like your MM, know that what you have in a marriage can't be replicated in an A (and vice-versa). Getting the MM out of your heart, head and life is not going to be a cake-walk. But I'm taking consolation in all of the stories on here about how it can be done. Going NC is the only way to go. Think about it. You can do it.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 thank you nowhere for the encouraging words. i need this. and to have found it in a complete stranger when the man i *love* hasnt given me this - its eye-opening.
NowhereToHide Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 thank you nowhere for the encouraging words. i need this. and to have found it in a complete stranger when the man i *love* hasnt given me this - its eye-opening. But that's the thing, Browneyed.... It isn't UP to him to give you this. It's up to you to find it. And you have. HE DOESN'T HOLD THE POWER FOR YOU OR OVER YOU. YOU DO. He loves you. But he loves his wife more. Most men when faced with losing their families (especially their children) become cowards. They revert to the lowest form of self-preservation in order to save their own hides. It is universal. If being angry with him helps you, then revel in it. But to me, it sounds like your anger isn't helping. It sounds like it's keeping you planted right where you are with this misery front and center in your world. Keep reading these boards. Keep reading these stories. He isn't leaving for you. You have no future with him. Let him go. It's time. Find the strength to make a decision based on what YOU need. Don't worry about him.
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