pollswolls Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I have a bit of a dilema I'd like some feedback on. Arguing with ones spouse & apologies ........ When a spouse does the same bahavior that is 'inappropriate' over & over & over again & continues to apologize for said behavior - Does it make it ok all over again JUST because they apologized? Or is it like being kicked in the knee by a 2 year old, that keeps apologizing & yet never quits kicking you in the knee? It's a little hard to think that the apology is sincere.........Right? Is there a name for this 'problem' that someone thinks that as long as they apologize life is all good & rosey again!!??
hopeful1980 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 In my limited experience, I have found that some people do not know how to be any other way. That is to say, whenever they apologize they are sincere but they often revert back to the same behavior because they don't know what else to do. That doesn't mean it's acceptable, but that's why they do it. With my husband, he will continue to do the same thing over and over until it hurts HIM. I can tell him to stop and he will for a while, but then he'll just go back to what he did before until he is forced to change. Me wanting him to change isn't good enough. He has to do it for himself. So I've learned to change my attitude if I want him to change. Everytime he does something I don't like, I don't react in the same way that I used too because it wasn't givinig me the results I wanted to see. The next time your spouse does the same behavior, change your reaction. Don't react the same as you did every time before and that will prompt change in your spouse.
Author pollswolls Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 I've tried that - but i'll be damn'd if it just doesn't make me so mad every time. I just think there has to be a name for people like this. How can someone think that as long as they say they're sorry, they can continue the same behaviors? And, in their mind, YOU are the one that's wrong because you/I don't think the apology is sincere. Just a confusing situation Guess I just think I can't be the only one that has dealt with someone like this.
hopeful1980 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 My husband is the same way. I've told him NOT to do things that hurt me and he continued to do them over and over even though he knew it would make me mad. Then he would come home and apologize and sometimes even blame me as the reason he did it in the first place. The only thing that worked for me was to change my attitude about the situation. Now he doesn't do things that piss me off because he doesn't want too, not because I asked him not too.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Show him this: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn_apology.html And just tell him that you don't speak the "I'm sorry" language of apology...you're a Genuine Repenter, and the repeat offenses means you don't actually 'hear' the apology.
Author pollswolls Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 Thanks lonely - that was a very interesting read. Perhaps when I don't feel so furious & want to push him in front of a moving bus (like I do right now) I can calmly show this to him. thank you!
quankanne Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 "The Five Love Languages" is a fantastic book, I just finished it last night – lots of good ideas about how to communicate better with your partner through the different ways of "showing" love. VERY highly recommended. back to your original question about serial repeaters and apologies: Years ago, I got fed up with my husband issuing a sincere apology for bad behavior, and told him that saying "sorry" also meant changing his behavior ... he didn't like it, but it's also made him think twice about trying to get back into my good graces just by saying the "magic word." people must be accountable for their actions, so if you're going to make an effort to apologize, you need to realize part of the apology is to fix it where you're not going to repeat that behavior that got you busted in the first place!
Fallen Angel Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I have a bit of a dilema I'd like some feedback on. Arguing with ones spouse & apologies ........ When a spouse does the same bahavior that is 'inappropriate' over & over & over again & continues to apologize for said behavior - Does it make it ok all over again JUST because they apologized? Or is it like being kicked in the knee by a 2 year old, that keeps apologizing & yet never quits kicking you in the knee? It's a little hard to think that the apology is sincere.........Right? Is there a name for this 'problem' that someone thinks that as long as they apologize life is all good & rosey again!!?? Are you married to my xH? I am sorry, I should have slapped him on the nose with the newspaper more forcefully!! Seriously, my xH did the same thing. I kept trying to reason with him that an apology means nothing if you turn around and do the same thing again. I just wanted to stab him in the eyeball with a plastic fork for never GETTING IT!!! (which is why he is now my Xh) :D :D
Stroon Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 saying 'sorry' is just too easy. its like saying 'i love you' its one of those things that should only really be said when you really mean it, otherwise you start to loose the sincerity. A 'sorry' should be two things. 1) meaning they ARE actually sorry 2) an intention not to do it again. but it depends on the type of thing a person is apologizing for. I must admit, i am rubbish at doing the washing up, and everytime my poor H ends up doing it when i should have done, i am guilty of the 'sorry' but in truth, i do genuinely mean it, and I always intend to be better next time. It just ends up slipping my mind, i get sidetracked and so it happens again. i think we all do this sometimes. it just depends on whether the 'thing' is forgivable or not!
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