LocalColor Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 People who stay together are happier 5 years later. People who divorce are just the same 5 years later. You have to find happiness within - a Husband or wife doesn't make you happy. Nothing external does. Divorce him if you want though. It's not fair to him. You don't like him as much as he likes you so it won't work anyway. Sorry If this is harsh at all, I wish you love. I agree with your overall sentiment. We can't expect our partners to fill holes for us. However, I am genuinely curious where you get this notion about "5 years later" — is this ad hoc or something proven?
Author blurbie Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 People who stay together are happier 5 years later. People who divorce are just the same 5 years later. You have to find happiness within - a Husband or wife doesn't make you happy. Nothing external does. Divorce him if you want though. It's not fair to him. You don't like him as much as he likes you so it won't work anyway. Sorry If this is harsh at all, I wish you love. I think that might only hold true for people who have a base of strong love in their relationship. If you don't love someone and stay with them, 5 years later you would feel resentment, not happiness. It doesn't make sense unless you do really love the person.
Author blurbie Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Why post here at all? It sounds like you had your mind made up before and now just looking for affirmation. In fact, I'll bet there is more (much more) to this than you're telling. Few...VERY few just 'fall out of love' with no other stimulus involved. If I'm right, you need to stop lying to yourself. Living together and marriage are NOT the same. You're taking a vow in marriage, usually to start a life and family together. I have a girlfriend and she's a wonderful, awesome person but she's not my wife. There is a difference. How important is your word? Your self esteem? Ask yourself this before bailing because it's 'unnatural'. What you're really saying is: 'I know this is going to hurt him and ending my marriage is scary, but I'm going to do it because what I want is more important to me than what he wants. Please say something to make me feel better!' Well, good luck with that. If you've cheated or are about to, disregard everything above and just file. Then leave him alone. He deserves better. Wow... What a jerk. I am seriously torn up about it and you come at me with this self-righteous BS. Obviously I care about my husband and this situation is extremely complicated. But thanks for simplifying it and trying to make me feel like crap... as if I don't already. Keep your anger to yourself.
Stifled Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 It happens. I'm proof. I used to think 'We've grown apart' was a copout. I realize now that it is as real as stubbing your toe. We've been married almost fourteen years and the thrill is gone. My thoughts are that I failed somehow and it's killing me. I had to give up my sales job (and to a great degree my personal feeling of self worth) because I started having vicious anxiety attacks.
Steadfast Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Wow... What a jerk. I am seriously torn up about it and you come at me with this self-righteous BS. Obviously I care about my husband and this situation is extremely complicated. But thanks for simplifying it and trying to make me feel like crap... as if I don't already. Keep your anger to yourself. I'm not angry blurbie...but you are. It's a normal reaction when one feels guilty and the self defense mechanism kicks in. Please stop to consider that there's the distinct possibility that you'll feel worse in the coming years because of your decision, not better. None of it is guaranteed, but actions based on selfishness and a sense of entitlement never roll into true and profound happiness. Instead, our hearts harden. Looked at in that light my comments might prove to be more loving than anything else. Know this; we're all imperfect and because of that, only a fool would consider him/herself more rightous than another. It is our actions that speak for who we are, not our words. Be honest with yourself (as we all have to do from time to time) and ask; 'what are my actions saying?' I still contend that you're not telling the whole story. Few of us do, because some things are just too personal to share. I, for example, was very controlling of my ex-wife during our marriage and I didn't even know it. I just thought I had her best interests at heart. I was wrong. Married or not, we all must decide on our own and those decisions are what make us. I found this response to an earlier post most interesting: I think that might only hold true for people who have a base of strong love in their relationship. If you don't love someone and stay with them, 5 years later you would feel resentment, not happiness. It doesn't make sense unless you do really love the person. That is why I stated 'Why post here asking for advice?' blurbie, every time you get sections of advice that push uncomfortable boundries, you dismiss it in favor your own decision making process. I think you have your mind made up to divorce and -again- are looking for affirmation. Just know that all the support in the world is not going to help you when the reality of your decisions manifest themselves fully. Lies, no matter how pretty the box they come wrapped in, are still lies. Do the right thing. Deep down, you know what it is. We all do. I do wish you the best. Please don't consider my statements an attack. My motivation is to encourage you to open the dark corners of your heart and expose them to the light. It takes courage and guts; the kind of courage that allows marriages to flourish and last. Good luck-
boogieboy Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Blurbie I think what youre looking for is an easy out of the guilt that youre feeling for hurting your husband. Problem is, there IS no easy out. Youre going to have to go though the guilt, and you might know how long you will have to deal with it, you might not deal with guilt at all. You might as well get it over as soon as you can, take that guilt on face first, and let it pass. It will devastate you for a while, maybe, and the sooner you get it over with the better.
tnttim Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 It happens. I'm proof. I used to think 'We've grown apart' was a copout. I realize now that it is as real as stubbing your toe. We've been married almost fourteen years and the thrill is gone. My thoughts are that I failed somehow and it's killing me. I had to give up my sales job (and to a great degree my personal feeling of self worth) because I started having vicious anxiety attacks. There are many techniques for controlling panic attacks. I got them about a week ago, and tried some techniques, they work. Let me know if you want help. You didn't fail, you both did. You both drove each other apart. It probably started small and then blossemed into this. So don't look at the end, look at the beginning, and then the middle and realize why it ended. Blaming anybody will not help, learn from the mistakes and move on.
tnttim Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I think that might only hold true for people who have a base of strong love in their relationship. If you don't love someone and stay with them, 5 years later you would feel resentment, not happiness. It doesn't make sense unless you do really love the person. Are you still friends with your husband? If so then I don't what the problem is. You fall into and out of love all the time, it's natural. I really think you need to leave and have time for yourself. You are the one with the problem, and you need to solve. The answer is not here, the answer is inside of you. My mom always told "Only you can solve you problem" Someone may have created the problem, but you took on for yourself. Cliche alert, if you don't learn from history you are doomed to repeat it. How f***ing true!!!
lovelydemon Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I came here because I felt the same way about my relationship- we are not a good match and never were. Yes we are compatible and could be perfect roommates but there is no love. I ve been very confused lately and did some reading. What really helped me is "Is He Mr. Right: Everithing You Nedd to Know Before You Commit" by Mira Kirshenbaum (found it in local library). It just explains that in order to have a good relationship you must have good chemistry(not infatuation) and when its missing it doesn't matter how good your partner is or how much work you put in relationship -it's doomed. Anyway just wanted to tell you that It's been 2 days since i told my bf i don't want to stay with him. He is so hurt. We've been together for 5 years. We are also in our late 20s, no kids. I am SO sad. I never knew it could hurt so bad to leave a relationship even if it didn't work! Sometimes it hurts so bad i just want to call the separation off. I know i should move out but we own a house together(how stupid) and it will not be easy. At least now i know I m not crazy and what I m going through is normal.
tnttim Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Anyway just wanted to tell you that It's been 2 days since i told my bf i don't want to stay with him. He is so hurt. We've been together for 5 years. We are also in our late 20s, no kids. I am SO sad. I never knew it could hurt so bad to leave a relationship even if it didn't work! Sometimes it hurts so bad i just want to call the separation off. I know i should move out but we own a house together(how stupid) and it will not be easy. At least now i know I m not crazy and what I m going through is normal. I'm in same loving situation your, but we have kids. The best I found out to do is to truly seperate your lives right now. You do your thing and he does his. Don't interfer and don't let him interfer either. Keep the conversations to a bear miminum, just finances since you can't seperate that right now. If either of you keep interfering with each other, one of you has to leave. You both still have feelings for each other right now, they may be small but they are there. You should find yourself right now. You see you used to be 1 now your 1.5, you need to get to 2. Then you are truly healed. good luck, and have fun!!!
EcstasyX6 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I'm not angry blurbie...but you are. It's a normal reaction when one feels guilty and the self defense mechanism kicks in. Please stop to consider that there's the distinct possibility that you'll feel worse in the coming years because of your decision, not better. None of it is guaranteed, but actions based on selfishness and a sense of entitlement never roll into true and profound happiness. Instead, our hearts harden. Looked at in that light my comments might prove to be more loving than anything else. Know this; we're all imperfect and because of that, only a fool would consider him/herself more rightous than another. It is our actions that speak for who we are, not our words. Be honest with yourself (as we all have to do from time to time) and ask; 'what are my actions saying?' I still contend that you're not telling the whole story. Few of us do, because some things are just too personal to share. I, for example, was very controlling of my ex-wife during our marriage and I didn't even know it. I just thought I had her best interests at heart. I was wrong. Married or not, we all must decide on our own and those decisions are what make us. I found this response to an earlier post most interesting: That is why I stated 'Why post here asking for advice?' blurbie, every time you get sections of advice that push uncomfortable boundries, you dismiss it in favor your own decision making process. I think you have your mind made up to divorce and -again- are looking for affirmation. Just know that all the support in the world is not going to help you when the reality of your decisions manifest themselves fully. Lies, no matter how pretty the box they come wrapped in, are still lies. Do the right thing. Deep down, you know what it is. We all do. I do wish you the best. Please don't consider my statements an attack. My motivation is to encourage you to open the dark corners of your heart and expose them to the light. It takes courage and guts; the kind of courage that allows marriages to flourish and last. Good luck- Hi Blurbie, I've read this entire post, and I'm in the same boat, but much older than you. Trust your gut instinct even after you've weighed advice: good and bad. I read the following book from cover to cover, "Too Good to Leave and Too Bad to Stay", and it has helped me tremendously, and I think it will help clarify your situation in your mind. http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350 Steadfast, I find it very presumptive of you and judgmental to believe that she's lying, and that she'll feel worse in 5 years and not better after a divorce. Maybe she will, and maybe she won't. Who's to say? I have been happy since I explored the so-called "dark corners" of my wicked heart, to realize that my husband of 17 years is not the right person for me and asked him for a divorce. I'm not talking boredom here, but a fundamental mismatch in between two individuals with a different life vision and approach to living. Hmmm. Selfishness and entitlement? So if she doesn't think of herself, and stays to please him, she's miserable, and he's happy. What a great marriage that would be! It puzzles me how on this site people want to believe the forever after tale even after someone asserts that the marriage isn't working for them. Why would you even want a spouse to remain while having extreme doubt? Doesn't anyone believe in, "if you love somebody, set them free"? Breaking up hurts like hell, but in this life we are individuals who make mistakes, some bigger than others. Of course we make commitments, but people sometimes make bad decisions, or change, and we have to accept that no matter how painful, forgive each other, take our licks and move on if that's the best thing to do. I think you should get out now, if you think that you've made a bad choice, BEFORE you have kids and major finances, and then it will feel like it's too late. I felt those same feelings of extreme doubt on my wedding day, and honeymoon, and yes we were friends. Friendship is NOT enough IMHO. I figured it would blossom into this deep love. It did not, and here I am after 17 years, after many problems, which I think resulted in us not having that glue to begin with, getting a divorce. It sucks, but I'd rather do it now in my 40's set, both of us free, instead of wait until we're 60, and miserable with a lesser chance of starting again. You're very young, and have plenty of time to start anew. Yes. You will hurt him, but you'll hurt him even more, the longer you wait. I do say try therapy. We did, although it was a temporary band aid in our case, but it's worth a try for sure. Good luck!
coldatnight Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Hi Blurbie, "if you love somebody, set them free"? You left the end out, "if they come back, they'll be yours" So don't be surprised blurbie if your feelings get even stronger. You should just leave and live your life on your own. If you jump into a relationship, you're doomed to repeat your previous one.
Author blurbie Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Hi Blurbie, I think you should get out now, if you think that you've made a bad choice, BEFORE you have kids and major finances, and then it will feel like it's too late. I felt those same feelings of extreme doubt on my wedding day, and honeymoon, and yes we were friends. Friendship is NOT enough IMHO. I figured it would blossom into this deep love. It did not, and here I am after 17 years, after many problems, which I think resulted in us not having that glue to begin with, getting a divorce. It sucks, but I'd rather do it now in my 40's set, both of us free, instead of wait until we're 60, and miserable with a lesser chance of starting again. You're very young, and have plenty of time to start anew. Yes. You will hurt him, but you'll hurt him even more, the longer you wait. I do say try therapy. We did, although it was a temporary band aid in our case, but it's worth a try for sure. Good luck! Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's crazy how much this hurts, even though I am the one initiating it. It is like a part of me is dying, not to sound corny. But I truly know that I don't love him the way I need to in order to have children with him, and I really want children. I put a deposit on an apartment and am moving next month. We are going to try to sell the condo, and we live in a large city but I still have hopes that one day we can be friendly (not friends) but friendly. I have heard from a lot of people who felt the same way I do now, and didn't do anything about it, and now they are still miserable down the road, with kids and everything to deal with.
Author blurbie Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 You left the end out, "if they come back, they'll be yours" So don't be surprised blurbie if your feelings get even stronger. You should just leave and live your life on your own. If you jump into a relationship, you're doomed to repeat your previous one. I agree... I definitely do not want to jump into a relationship. I need to spend time alone and heal from this. I also would not want to disrespect my husband by getting a boyfriend anytime soon. This is hard enough on us. If I got a boyfriend, it would just be a diversion and I would never deal with the collapse of my marriage and how deeply it has affected me.
Steadfast Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Steadfast, I find it very presumptive of you and judgmental to believe that she's lying, and that she'll feel worse in 5 years and not better after a divorce. Maybe she will, and maybe she won't. Who's to say? I didn't accuse blurbie of lying, I said she is leaving something out. I still believe that and it has not been denied. You are right of course, but it is a hard, cold fact that we're never truly happy when we put ourselves first. That's self-centered and a recipe for misery, not to mention it is almost a certainty we'll repeat the same mistakes. Can you can deny that? It has been said here many times and I believe it is true; there are no happy divorces. Yes, we can be happy again after divorce, but rarely does the person leaving enjoy that. There is much to gain in giving 100% to a marriage, To do otherwise is setting yourself up for failure. Hmmm. Selfishness and entitlement? So if she doesn't think of herself, and stays to please him, she's miserable, and he's happy. What a great marriage that would be! It puzzles me how on this site people want to believe the forever after tale even after someone asserts that the marriage isn't working for them. Why would you even want a spouse to remain while having extreme doubt? I wouldn't, and I doubt very much if blurbie's husband or anyone would be happy in a marriage like that. For a marriage to work, both must work 100% for each other; especially after the 'sizzle' of new love has waned. That's what I'm getting at! To look at one's spouse and see only the person 'holding you back' from true happiness is a misery I wouldn't want to endure. In fact, if that's the case I believe there are forces at play in such a situation that are much greater than simple marriage issues. This young woman is going to do what she's going to do, regardless. She has the right to choose and will. That's clear. I pray she makes it but the reasoning you share will not stand the test of time. I fear the true meaning of marriage and commitment is being ignored in favor of selfish ambition.
Author blurbie Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 This young woman is going to do what she's going to do, regardless. She has the right to choose and will. That's clear. I pray she makes it but the reasoning you share will not stand the test of time. I fear the true meaning of marriage and commitment is being ignored in favor of selfish ambition. Ignoring my "selfish ambition" got me here in the first place. I married him because I respect him, he's my best friend, and I wanted it to work. I guess I could keep trying to ignore the fact that I'm not truly happy. I have looked into hypnosis, etc. You have to understand I've been battling this for a long time... years.
lovelydemon Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 The best I found out to do is to truly seperate your lives right now. You do your thing and he does his. Don't interfer and don't let him interfer either. Keep the conversations to a bear miminum, just finances since you can't seperate that right now. If either of you keep interfering with each other, one of you has to leave. You both still have feelings for each other right now, they may be small but they are there. This is the hardest for me right now (not to talk to my bf). I know he is hurt because of me and i want to console him and make him feel better,but I'm afraid if i do that it will hurt him even more. Yesterday i cooked; there was nothing in the fridge but i did it mostly out of habit( i don't eat much lately, in fact i feel sick to my stomach worrying) only later i thought how awful it must've felt for him knowing that this might be the last time i made dinner for us. I'm planning to leave soon, God knows i need all support i can get to do this, but I know I have to be strong or it will hurt more. Its been going on for too long already. Anyway, thank you for great advice Tnttim and good luck to you! P.S. At the end of her book "To Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" Mira Kirshenbaum recommends to read "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma. It is supposed to be dealing with the emotional part of letting go. I also found it helpful that Mira says about being sad when letting go:"Feeling sad a the thought of leaving does not change things. Your sadness is not new information about whether you should stay or leave. Instead it's a natural response to your loss."
Steadfast Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Ignoring my "selfish ambition" got me here in the first place. I married him because I respect him, he's my best friend, and I wanted it to work. I guess I could keep trying to ignore the fact that I'm not truly happy. I have looked into hypnosis, etc. You have to understand I've been battling this for a long time... years. blurbie, I appreciate the sincere, honest reply. Thank you. I am glad you realize that I am not trying to attack you or question your character. i didn't, and don't want you angry with me. I'm sorry if I said something to hurt you but my intentions were good. I can truly see you'e hurting sweetie. You know, people often remind us that there is much more to marriage relationships than passion and attraction, but just the same, it's that just as critical? How could any marriage be (truly) happy without being -for lack of a better word- 'hot' for each other? I know many long-term marriages where the partners are still attracted, still in love. Isn't that awesome? OK, so you married him for the wrong reasons and now you're wondering what to do. Please tell me (and forgive if this has been covered) have you spoken with him about how you feel? Is your friendship strong enough for the conversation? Maybe what you really need next is to hear him out. If you're sure he'll try to talk you out of it or respond in anger, then you have to approach it another way. Have you attended MC? blurbie, have your prayed about it? Hang tight blurbie, exhaust all options. You'll get the answer, I'm sure.
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