The rollercoaster ride goes on... and on and on. xMM called me...

October 12, 2009

This is the last thing I thought I would by writing on LS today! If you remember, my xMM now 3 weeks ago went back for about the 4th time to commit "100%" to his M. I am of course heartbroken and trying just to get through each day with this pain. I have been contemplating NC and have been getting stronger and feeling more ready for this in recent days. We never really put NC into place when he went back.

So we have been LC, mostly me writing to him because that is how I work through the pain. He reads and briefly responds to most of it. Some of it makes me feel better, some does not... and I have been writing less and less every day.

Cut to YESTERDAY: I spent the day at my daughter's gymnsatics meet, etc. Had on okay day but still very hurt and broken and missing him. He has been telling me things are going "well" there (they had a full-disclosure D-day this last time, he even admitted more sex, etc). I have had my doubts about how "well" things are going, only because he has not really gone away. But I have been telling myself to just keep looking forward, trying to stop worrying about what he is doing or thinking.

So yesterday afternoon I was back at home after the gym meet, cleaning my bathrooms! My cell rings, and IT WAS HIM. My heart almost fell out to the floor. I just stared at the phone as it rang, almost didn't answer. But he called from work and although I knew the area code was his town, this was a new # I had not seen so I picked it up. I don't know why, but I did.

Keep in mind, he has not called me once in the 3 weeks since he went back. As a matter of fact, early on in that 3 weeks I had asked him to call me (stupid, I know), and heart rate refused, saying he was committed there. I accepted that and just kind of got used to the fact that we may never actually "talk" again.

So he calls me. I say hello. He says hi. More pointless hellos, then I said, "So, why are you calling me?"

MM: "I just

October 12, 2009

This is the last thing I thought I would by writing on LS today! If you remember, my xMM now 3 weeks ago went back for about the 4th time to commit "100%" to his M. I am of course heartbroken and trying just to get through each day with this pain. I have been contemplating NC and have been getting stronger and feeling more ready for this in recent days. We never really put NC into place when he went back.

So we have been LC, mostly me writing to him because that is how I work through the pain. He reads and briefly responds to most of it. Some of it makes me feel better, some does not... and I have been writing less and less every day.

Cut to YESTERDAY: I spent the day at my daughter's gymnsatics meet, etc. Had on okay day but still very hurt and broken and missing him. He has been telling me things are going "well" there (they had a full-disclosure D-day this last time, he even admitted more sex, etc). I have had my doubts about how "well" things are going, only because he has not really gone away. But I have been telling myself to just keep looking forward, trying to stop worrying about what he is doing or thinking.

So yesterday afternoon I was back at home after the gym meet, cleaning my bathrooms! My cell rings, and IT WAS HIM. My heart almost fell out to the floor. I just stared at the phone as it rang, almost didn't answer. But he called from work and although I knew the area code was his town, this was a new # I had not seen so I picked it up. I don't know why, but I did.

Keep in mind, he has not called me once in the 3 weeks since he went back. As a matter of fact, early on in that 3 weeks I had asked him to call me (stupid, I know), and heart rate refused, saying he was committed there. I accepted that and just kind of got used to the fact that we may never actually "talk" again.

So he calls me. I say hello. He says hi. More pointless hellos, then I said, "So, why are you calling me?"

MM: "I just

Damn why are you so weak to talk to him in the first place. every time you talk to him it sets you back and you wont and will not recover!

Dammit woman do you want to be divorced? Do you even want to work on your marriage , did you ever tell your husband about the new contact?

God you have to cut this man off cold turkey, he's only using you as a side piece dont you want to be who you was before the affair??? WTF are you thinking?

October 12, 2009

So I typed the rest of that out and it disappeared!

Anyway, to make a long story short, in a nutshell because I don't want to type it all again, MM called to say "hi" because he can't figure out why he still thinks of me and misses me when things are going so "well" there. They are communicating, she has ADMITTED HALF OF THE BLAME FOR THIS (WTF?!). He said, "I'm calling because you sounded like you were freaking out a little bit." (he is referring to a text I sent the day earlier saying I needed to stop doing this to myself and I needed to let him go...)

I guess he wants me to hang around while he communicates with his W. He cares enough that he doesn't want me to "freak out." What a nice guy...

October 12, 2009

I guess he wants me to hang around while he communicates with his W. He cares enough that he doesn't want me to "freak out." What a nice guy...

You had it right the first sentence. He is not thinking about you. He is thinking about himself. You exist to serve his needs (in his mind). Period. That's as far as it goes for him. There's no "you" in the equation. Everything revolves around him.

Um... NOT. You need to put yourself first. He clearly isn't going to! Unless you want him to continue to suck the life right out of you, you need to get away from this person. NOW. No more communication of any kind with him.

Be good to yourself. Please!!

October 12, 2009

Im a mw who thinks her husband was cheating.He has been trying really hard with me he made love to me for a while last night.I dont want to hurt you but I think he is stringing you along just in case it does not work.His wife does she know.If not she feels it and she is going to try harder its not fair to either w.Dont talk to him your there in case it dosent work.It seems he is getting all the rewards while both mw and ow are hurting and not getting all of him.She probably is not the person he told you she is.Maybe you would like her if you was not seeing her husband.Let him go

he is not free.You and his wife should have more.Once you are over him someone else will sweep you away.Be strong and good luck

Edited October 12, 2009 by scatterd

October 12, 2009

So how are you doing limited contact when you are emailing and TEXTING him basically every day?

He wants to keep you on the side. Him calling you after getting a text from you saying you can't keep doing this is CODE for him wanting to keep you on the side.

He isn't going to leave his wife for you.

He keeps going back to her time and time again.

I KNOW you are all excited because he responds to you --- but honey, you aren't the main woman; his wife is.

YOU keep texting him. YOU keep emailing him. Maybe he was worried you were going to call him which is why he called you.

Let him go.

Let him work on his marriage.

If it was meant to be; it will be AFTER you let go and let him figure out what he wants.

Do you want to continue to be the OW? If not; STOP contacting him.

Let him come to you - DIVORCED. Don't keep accepting scraps from him.

October 12, 2009

i understand why you talked to him. i would have to. its hard to let go and hard to turn down the one thing you spend your days and nights waiting for. dont beat yourself up. you realize it only makes it harder but your not ready yet. hopefully one day he'll call and you wont pick up. its not easy, if it was we all wouldnt be here.

October 12, 2009

Kiss... it's time for you to decide what YOU want.

He isn't leaving his wife for you. You need to commit that to your heart. He loves you but HE LOVES HER MORE. You can come up with all the rationalizations you want, but the fact is that it's over.

I know how hard it is to get over the addiction. But it was pointed out on another thread (by a BS) that keeping him in your life with what little he is offering smacks of convenience.... It's easier to keep pining away and to continue to make him the center of your universe than it is to get off your a*s and DO something for yourself.

You are addicted. Go get some books. Go to a therapist. Figure out a game plan. But you can't keep allowing yourself to get sucked in every time he decides to HE wants to contact you. He is giving you just enough to keep you hooked (exactly what my xAP did). Of course he doesn't want to lose you -- you are an emotional (and sometimes physical) crutch for him. I would get more frequent contact from my xAP when he "needed" me. It's all bullsh*t. He is stringing you along and you're putting up with it.

Please take a step to move on from this. Otherwise you are going to wake up 10 years from now with him still "working on things" with his wife, and you texting him in the hopes of a response. You deserve better.

October 12, 2009

I want you to think about something.Say he leaves his w and you and him got married down the road you have built a life together and the new is gone.He starts feeling the same way he did with his last marriage.Some girl at his work makes him feel good pretty soon they are seeing each other then you are the w and the ow is getting it all.That is the way it is

so you have been hurting but your hurting again in a worse way.Things are not what they seem how will you trust him you already know what he does when thing are not the way he wants them to be.Its not easy to be the w either why do you want two hurts?Just want you to think.Good luck

October 12, 2009

I want you to think about something.Say he leaves his w and you and him got married down the road you have built a life together and the new is gone.He starts feeling the same way he did with his last marriage.Some girl at his work makes him feel good pretty soon they are seeing each other then you are the w and the ow is getting it all.That is the way it is
so you have been hurting but your hurting again in a worse way.Things are not what they seem how will you trust him you already know what he does when thing are not the way he wants them to be.Its not easy to be the w either why do you want two hurts?Just want you to think.Good luck

I know what you say is right. Same with what everyone else has said above. I guess I posted about what happened because I needed to get it "out there", and it was driving me crazy not to be able to talk about it. Thank you to everyone who has replied, and I want you to know that I trust and believe in people like you (people who have been there, done that in one way or another) more than I trust the xMM, that's for sure.

I honestly didn't think that even saying something to him about me not being able to do this to myself anymore would get him this scared that he would actually pick up the phone and call me. That's not why I texted him that to begin with, because I didn't think he would EVER call me again unless it was one day way down the road, and if he left his W (which I didn't see happening anyway).

So I guess its true: He is the same as all of the other MM types out there (not to stereotype MM, but in general). He wants what he can't have. As long has he knew I was out there suffering over him, he was able to keep his distance. Then I say one tiny sentence about giving up, and he's on the phone! And on the phone he is asking ME why he can't stop thinking about me even though things are "good" there?! Like I would know the answer to that or anything else!

I am learning more every day...

October 12, 2009

i understand why you talked to him. i would have to. its hard to let go and hard to turn down the one thing you spend your days and nights waiting for. dont beat yourself up. you realize it only makes it harder but your not ready yet. hopefully one day he'll call and you wont pick up. its not easy, if it was we all wouldnt be here.

BEG:

Thank you for understanding how it feels. And you are right about one day not picking up the phone if/when he calls. Yesterday certainly put me closer to being able to do that... I'm trying to learn from this and move on...

October 12, 2009

Miss,

I have no words of wisdom to help you, I have not even been able to stop the physical side of my affair yet, let alone attempt no contact. I just wanted to send you a (((HUG))) and tell you to keep your chin up. Know that we are behind you, and praying for you to find peace.

October 12, 2009

I know this is hard for you but think about what kind of future you would have with him.Is he hurting?I bet not like you do.You should have someone that can offer more.Also someone thats your own who will be honest as long as you keep this going the longer it will take.I hope im helping.Remind yourself of this maybe this will make it easier to have nc.

October 12, 2009

Miss,

I have no words of wisdom to help you, I have not even been able to stop the physical side of my affair yet, let alone attempt no contact. I just wanted to send you a (((HUG))) and tell you to keep your chin up. Know that we are behind you, and praying for you to find peace.

Fallen: Thank you for saying that. Hug accepted! I am so lucky to have found LS and all of the great people here who take time to help. If it weren't for a 4-hour distance between xMM and me, I doubt hat the physical part would be over for us, either. The pull is still very strong... Thank God for a 4-hour stretch of highway between us!

I was just thinking about something else: If I feel this bad, I should think about his W who is under the impression for now the 5th time that her H is 100% in it with her... yet he called me yesterday whining about me giving up. And she has no idea. At least I do! I feel bad for her, yet I would never tell her. He will hang (pun intended) himself again like he always does...

October 12, 2009

I think if she new it would be diifferent.She feels it but has no proof.She does not even know what they are working on.He is probably defensive with her because of the guilt.She might not even know that they are working on this.I bet she is confused and crys alot.Either side is no fun.Even if she tried to leave he would not feel it because he has you to fall back on.If you did decide to be with you then you would be in her shoes someday.Its so unfair.What kind of heart does he have it sounds like he cares about his more.Think about it she crys you cry wow the rewards he getss builds the ego but sucks the life out of both of you.

October 12, 2009

Is it possible to get a new cell number? I know it's a pain in the butt to do, telling all your friends/family, moving contact numbers over etc..But it might be worth it, this way he can't get ahold of you anymore..Just something to think about..

October 12, 2009

I think if she new it would be diifferent.She feels it but has no proof.She does not even know what they are working on.He is probably defensive with her because of the guilt.She might not even know that they are working on this.I bet she is confused and crys alot.Either side is no fun.Even if she tried to leave he would not feel it because he has you to fall back on.If you did decide to be with you then you would be in her shoes someday.Its so unfair.What kind of heart does he have it sounds like he cares about his more.Think about it she crys you cry wow the rewards he getss builds the ego but sucks the life out of both of you.

Well, she does definitely know about me. She is well aware, and his latest D-day he admitted that we had slept together not a week before, even when she thought he had committed to being back there with her 100% and not having anything to do with me....

So now, after that latest D-day, he has told her its over with me yet again, but still his comments yesterday on the phone. When I said above that once again she has no idea, I mean she is again under the impression that everrything is okay with them. My point was that at least I am not in the dark (not about what I NEED to know anyway, which is that he is a liar!). She wakes up now and looks at him and thinks he is being an angel... He's playing us both, but he doesn't have to cover up with me. He does with her, and she still has no idea. Like I said, I would like to fill her in, but I won't. Its not my place. he would probabyl lie out of it anyway. I have some pretty heavy and pretty incriminating texts from him but she is 4 hours away. It is not my job to tell her anyway. I never have, never will. She'll figure out eventually that he is lying again.

October 12, 2009

Miss,

I feel for you...this is new, and the ties between you are strong both physically and emotionally. So many here have told you NC is the only way to go, you must understand that we've found that out through painful experience.

Working things out by emailing him and texting him does not break the tie. It continues the connection, because a part of you is always waiting for his answer; it may not be a concious part. But I've been there, and after much time I look back to see it clearly.

And if you keep his number and his old emails...you are maintaining the connection! Again, this is something that I did with the MM for whom I was really an OW

Here is a freaky fact for you to contemplate. I went NC, and for 9 months heard nothing from a man with whom I was very involved. He was single, we were not exclusive. He neglected to tell me that he'd become "serious" with one of the others he was seeing. OK so we broke it off....went NC because he'd essentially made me the quasi-other woman by not being faithful to his new "serious" love. Once I found out, there was no way I'd be in that half-life again! My A was the only one in my life; I never want to fall into another.

Fast forward. Finally 9 months after I have not talked or texted him I delete all of his emails. Two weeks later he reaches out to me.

The connection exists between two people on a really deep level. When I deleted his emails ... and finally broke the connection somehow he knew on a gut level and reached out to me.

It sounds to me that a bit of this is going on; as soon as you get stronger, and healthier, your xMM reaches out and pushes those buttons that he knows so well just to keep the ties.

And these ties that he keeps are strapping you down; keeping you back; cutting you short of the real life ahead of you.

THINK ABOUT WHAT A REAL FULL HONEST RELATIONSHIP WOULD FEEL LIKE. And keep that thought next to your heart as you seriously go NC.

Set up friends to call and email instead of him; he is no friend if he is married to someone else. He is HER HUSBAND. Focus on your family, yourself, your friends.

Find peace without reaching out to him.

October 12, 2009

I dont know all the details but I know your hurt think of yourself and your needs.You do not want to play second fiddle to anyone.Stay busy anything to keep your mind off him.it will get easier as time gos by.Good luck

October 12, 2009

Fallen: Thank you for saying that. Hug accepted! I am so lucky to have found LS and all of the great people here who take time to help. If it weren't for a 4-hour distance between xMM and me, I doubt hat the physical part would be over for us, either. The pull is still very strong... Thank God for a 4-hour stretch of highway between us!

I was just thinking about something else: If I feel this bad, I should think about his W who is under the impression for now the 5th time that her H is 100% in it with her... yet he called me yesterday whining about me giving up. And she has no idea. At least I do! I feel bad for her, yet I would never tell her. He will hang (pun intended) himself again like he always does...

What she would feel isn't even in the realm of what you feel, IMHO.

Her entire world as she has known it for years would be shattered.

She knows him inside and out.

She has history with him. She has a future planned with him.

You are his side girl. He called because you told him you were pulling away. he wants to know that if things don't go okay with his marriage, you will be there waiting for him. And just know, just because he may come to you, doesn't mean (a) you have to accept him (b) know that he may use you as he transitions to single life.... once he gets a taste of single life, he may want to continue that way. Very few MM who DO leave their wife stay with the OW they were cheating with. I would guess at least 80% don't stay with the OW.

Also, after being married, many men want to life the 'high life' of being single and don't want to settle back down.

He will continue to use you as long as you let him.

October 12, 2009

What she would feel isn't even in the realm of what you feel, IMHO.

Her entire world as she has known it for years would be shattered.

She knows him inside and out.

She has history with him. She has a future planned with him.

You are his side girl. He called because you told him you were pulling away. he wants to know that if things don't go okay with his marriage, you will be there waiting for him. And just know, just because he may come to you, doesn't mean (a) you have to accept him (b) know that he may use you as he transitions to single life.... once he gets a taste of single life, he may want to continue that way. Very few MM who DO leave their wife stay with the OW they were cheating with. I would guess at least 80% don't stay with the OW.

Also, after being married, many men want to life the 'high life' of being single and don't want to settle back down.

He will continue to use you as long as you let him.

I totally agree. The pain of the OW, as bad as it is, has to be nothing compared to the pain of the BS. I am going through the hell of withdrawal right now from my xAP, but it's nothing compared to losing your H, the life you thought you knew, the future you were counting on. It's like comparing apples and oranges. One is a "selfish" pain, the other must be a searing pain of betrayal. I can't even imagine.

October 12, 2009

I totally agree. The pain of the OW, as bad as it is, has to be nothing compared to the pain of the BS. I am going through the hell of withdrawal right now from my xAP, but it's nothing compared to losing your H, the life you thought you knew, the future you were counting on. It's like comparing apples and oranges. One is a "selfish" pain, the other must be a searing pain of betrayal. I can't even imagine.

NTH (hug)

I just read your post and turned and looked at my H and realized your description of "searing pain of betrayal" is so accurate. I can't image the pain, the anguish, the heartbreak I would go through if my H ever cheated on me. We were just laughing this weekend about how we are 'stuck' with each other forever because of some of our habits and how well we know each other and for me, some of the things he has had to do for me when I had surgery..... I can't image starting over with someone else and getting comfortable enough for that person to help me the way my H did after a surgery.

Thank you for helping to remind me to never take him for granted and to keep our marriage strong and healthy.

October 14, 2009

Wow, he got his W to admit fault for his affair?!!

Talk about gaslighting.

I'd stay away from him and this mess. Once she gets her bearings on her, she is going to be out for blood. First his, and then any woman she knows about or has suspicions about.

I hope this call definitely puts you well on the road to ignoring his next attempts at reaching out to you.

October 15, 2009

(he is referring to a text I sent the day earlier saying I needed to stop doing this to myself and I needed to let him go...)

I guess he wants me to hang around while he communicates with his W. He cares enough that he doesn't want me to "freak out." What a nice guy...

You were freaking out a litlle, wich is normal. But i think that you letting him know that you couldnt do it anymore scared him because he want you to hang on. By him calling you its just a nother life line for him to keep you sticking around. IMO

October 17, 2009

and he called from his work so she couldn't track the call. he knows she's watching like a hawk - so he is just getting sneakier.

nice husband, eh? i don't think this is your idea of a nice husband... what if someday these are the tricks he's pulling on you as his wife?

she obviously will take him back no matter what... let them have each other... stay out of it and find your own happiness.

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The rollercoaster ride goes on... and on and on. xMM called me...

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