Runo Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Hei everybody, First of all - yes I'm new, and starting with a lot of questions, instead of observing this place some time and learning its customs and habits. But well - that's because I found this forum precisely because I'm in a situation where I need advice... so, yeah, I hope you'll excuse it. Secondly, a preemptive “sorry” for the long text. I just don’t know how to put it into less words. ----- I’m 25 and have been been in a relationship for 8 1/2 years now, but as it seems, it is about to end, because I just can’t cope with some things any longer. Perhaps I should’ve let it go much sooner, but I just never had the courage. Now I’m just waiting for the right time to break up without causing to much hurt, and I already know when this will be. But that is not the exact topic of my problem(s), it only plays into them. Now, as our relationship was like it was , I did have – as probably many people do – some… crushes on a few people along the way. I never got more serious than daydreaming though, I’m just not the kind of guy to have an affair, I couldn’t live with the guilt. A few years ago, I joined some group of people that get together online a lot and meet up a few times a year, and developed a little crush on someone there. At first it wasn’t that strong – when you only see someone this infrequently and don’t have a lot of contact otherwise, it just doesn’t take off. But we’ve started talking a “little” more lately, and I feel it growing. What makes it even "worse" is that I know she’s looking for a friend, and has made a few little remarks that made my heart jump:love:, though that was probably just fun and being nice (but as I’m craving for things like that right now, even the little things seem very important). Now, one could say – well, then just go for it, have a little fun if you can, if not, nothing’s lost. But I just can’t, and it’s not true nothing would be lost. For one, as I said before, I don’t want to start an affair, and even just us two talking feels like doing something bad. I don’t want to hurt my current girlfriend, I still care for her a lot, although I finally realized we’re not meant for a love relationship. Secondly, the one I have a crush on? I don’t think it would be fair to make her feel like I could be her boyfriend, at least not at the moment. There is someone else who might be her next one as far as I know, and I don’t want to disturb that while my life is still a mess in many ways, and I couldn’t be there for her like he might be able to. Then there’s of course the question if she’d even want me, and I don’t want to destroy our friendship by trying to find out, I value it too highly for that. The chances for me are pretty slim anyways. I wouldn’t have a lot to offer. On the other hand, she's giving me some clues now and then that make me want to believe I shouldn't be so sure about "having no chance", perhaps... So that leaves me in a strange position, floating between not wanting to let it go, enjoying the warm, fuzzy feeling on the things she says now and then, yet always feeling a little guilty and uneasy about doing that. Rationally I want her to find/get together with (that) someone else and get happy with him, emotionally I can’t. My head and gut tell me to keep the distance, while my heart pounds and urges me to move forward, and I really don’t know what to do. Well, that was until about two or three days ago anyways. But then, about two days ago, I suddenly felt like I’d been hit by a train… with every hour that went by, I felt somehow more lightheaded and dizzy, my heart started pounding heavily and my thoughts seemed to trail into nowhere, while pieces of songs or sentences repeated endlessly and meaninglessly in my head like a broken record. I was at a good friend’s yesterday (no, really the day before yesterday now, on Saturday), hoping I could distract myself a little and do something fun, but it just didn’t work but for mere moments. We watched a movie later in the evening, and I couldn’t have repeated a single sentence of the dialogue 10 seconds after they’d said it. The whole thing just made no sense to me, because I didn’t get any of the things that happened, and apart from the main character, I didn’t understand who everyone else was. I felt so disoriented. And I did not and still don’t understand why! This had just been a little crush so few days ago, and nothing has really changed since then, apart from myself, obviously. It just makes no sense it hits me this hard this time and/or right now. Now, today or yesterday, however you want to see it, we had a long chat again, surely seven or eight hours, and I felt more and more relieved, even euphoric. I said goodnight at midnigt, went to bed and was about to fall asleep full of happy feelings... And then I just couldn't. I'm so tired, but all kind of thoughts haunt me and torment my brain. I had been rolling around in bed for two and a half hours, and I just couldn't seem to fall asleep, before I finally decided I had to get this off my system. Also, my mood changed, as I wrote I was kinda euphoric earlier on, now I can't push aside a growing anxiety, fear about what will be, what will happen. I really like roller coasters, you know, but this ride seems to be more than I can handle at the moment. I'm constantly drifting between wanting to hug the whole world, cry of joy, burst and nearly throw up from sorrow, and having to fight not to roll into fetal position and cry like a baby. And I still don't understand why this affects me so much. I don't think I've had mood swings that strong whenever I've fallen in love before. I’m just so afraid I'm going to destroy everything, I want to keep this friendship, but don’t find my way out, and can’t think about it clearly enough at this time. Jojo PS: Please do excuse my poor English, I’m no native speaker.
Author Runo Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 Doesn't anyone have any advice for me? Please, there must be someone who's gone through the same thing, and has learnt something that might be able to help...! Jojo
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