BrownEyedGirl24 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 so i've been in a relationship with a guy for about a year now. just a few months before we started dating he had gotten out of a long relationship..10 years. sometimes it's really hard for me to deal with since they were together for so long. i don't want to be a rebound and it really bothers me that he can't ever talk about the future. he thinks that i want things to move too quickly but all i really want to know is if he even sees a future or if i'm just someone for him to be with for the time being. i guess i don't always feel that way but i saw his email the other day and he emailed his ex and told her that when he went back home he had at least one thought of her. i'm very tempted to look to see if she responded or if the conversation has gone further but my friends tell me not to cuz it just eats me away but at the same time i don't want to be strung along for nothing. he claims that they broke up because they both wanted different things and he wasn't happy anymore but i know that she initiated the breakup and i just don't want to feel like he'd be with her if he could and i'm just his 2nd option...any advice would be good! i just don't know if i should continue to worry or what?!!! Thoughts would be greatly appreciated! thanks!
leap83 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 How about you sit down and talk with him about it? I've been there. Dated a guy who got out of a 7yr relationship with a girl and he said the same things - ie we're moving too fast, etc. Don't yell at him or anything but just ask him "Honestly, can you tell me that you're over your ex?" Because it's not fair towards you and I believe it's pretty selfish he got into a relationship so quickly. 10 yrs is a long time and it takes a bit longer to heal. So, I think you should talk with him calmly. If you yell, nothing will get accomplished.
Anahata Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 This may sound harsh but this is coming from someone dealing with a man that LIED about getting over the previous girlfriend and now I know he has spent the last 13 years of my life with him sneaking around with her and writing "your my soulmate" letters to a married woman that sneaks around behind her husband's back. You ARE the rebound. You are the also-ran consolation prize he is taking because he can't have his "soulmate." He doesn't talk about a future with you because he is still stuck in the past. If he says you are pushing and moving things forward too quickly then you are not what he wants at this time. LEAVE. Give him space and time to get over her. If in the future he comes back to you and is ready to move forward then you may have a chance. In the meantime, don't waste your time on broken goods - throw him back into the sea and find another one.
Author BrownEyedGirl24 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 that sounds like really good advice. i have asked him before about her and he said that's not an issue but now that i saw that email it's making me think that she is an issue. So here's another bad thing...i gave in and checked his email again and he totally deleted his sent message. he never deletes anything!!! So i also never got to see if she responded. Tm is his birthday so i feel like i have to put a smile on cuz that'd be really terrible of me to bring it up then but i think i'm going to take your advice and try to ask him nicely about it. he will probably get mad at me though for bringing it up. so what was the outcome with the guy you dated who the ex of 7 yrs? How about you sit down and talk with him about it? I've been there. Dated a guy who got out of a 7yr relationship with a girl and he said the same things - ie we're moving too fast, etc. Don't yell at him or anything but just ask him "Honestly, can you tell me that you're over your ex?" Because it's not fair towards you and I believe it's pretty selfish he got into a relationship so quickly. 10 yrs is a long time and it takes a bit longer to heal. So, I think you should talk with him calmly. If you yell, nothing will get accomplished.
stace79 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Having been in a sort of similar situation, look at actions, not words. Nothing he says matters -- only what he does. Also, it wouldn't matter if he is not over his ex, or just wasn't into you, or just didn't want a R for awhile at all -- if you want to be more serious, and he doesn't, then you have to make a choice. It is not all up to him. You have more options than 1) being with him or 2) waiting around to be with him. My fiance had been with his ex for off/on about 5 years, and he told me he was mostly over her and how much he liked me and cared for me, but bottom line was he wasn't over her yet and when she realized he was starting to date me, she came right back. Guess what? He broke up with me for her. Don't put yourself in that situation. Frankly, even though I am now engaged to this guy, I have always had that insecurity and anger about him choosing her first -- I feel like he only came back to me b/c she decided she didn't really want to be with him, she just hadn't wanted him to be with anyone else. I believe he loves me now, but that is a huge hurdle to overcome. Lots of trouble that I am not sure was worth it. IF I am ever in a dating situation again, I will not be dating anyone seriously who's still talking to ex-girlfriends. It's just not something I'm willing to deal with anymore. (Even my fiance knows that to be with me going forward, he can have no contact with his ex.)
leap83 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 My outcome? It wasn't good. The reason is because I didn't have patience for that sort of thing and he just wasn't relationship material. It ended and we didn't talk (I was hurt and I'm sure he was too). But now we're slowly starting to talk again - it's still like walking on eggshells but I sent him a "Happy Thanksgiving" e-mail and he replied right away. So, it's a good start. We're not hanging out yet just because I believe it's too early for that but I'm hoping that in the near future we will be able to build the bridge to friendship. He's one of those people whom I want to keep in my life - as a friend. Honestly, I believe the timing is bad in your situation. Talking with him openly and honestly will really help. It won't answer any of your questions and don't try to answer them now, but it will clear the water. One thing I'm glad about is the fact that he NEVER lied to me - he honestly told me most of the things he felt. He was confused and still is. He needed time and space. And he explained why. At the time, I didn't really listen to his words, but now it all makes sense. So, don't try to make sense out of it now, but listen to him. Then pull back and give him the time and space he needs. Move on with your life. If he decides that he is ready to be with you, he'll come back OR you might be able to build a proper friendship. I know it's not something you want to hear right now, but listen to what he tells you. Don't assume. I made a mistake of assuming and that could have cost us our friendship. Thankfully, he understood.
leap83 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 One thing I do know however and was able to make sense of is this: 7-10 years is a LONG time. It takes a LONG time to get over someone who's been there for you for that many years. It doesn't matter whether she dumped him or he dumped her - ultimately, it still hurts. Even if you walk away from the relationship, you can't just erase the feelings you've had for your ex. It takes time for those feelings to settle down and go away. It takes time for you to heal and to forgive. It also takes a lot of courage and strength to start trusting someone else with your heart (no matter how it ended). So, your guy might not be ready for that just yet. He needs to come to terms with the fact that his ex is in the past and while he's still living in the past, you can't do anything about it. He needs to deal with it on his own. Whether he's going to date someone else or not, that's not your problem right now. She will probably go through the exact same thing you're going through. You've got to put yourself in his shoes to be able to understand where he is coming from. It's hard to severe the ties with the ex, no matter how much you try. He's still thinking about her - thus, he's not over her. That's a fact.
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