u91746 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 As I've posted previously in the infidelity sub-forum, I am still "stuck" and need the insight people in the OW/OM forum might be able to provide. The very short story is I dabbled with a married woman almost a couple years ago. We were both married, with children, at the time. She had 3 boys, I have a boy and a girl. It was short (about a month) and there was no sex, but she opened up to me, told me she cared for me more than a friend, and I jumped in with both feet. Her husband found out, it ended, there was disclosure all around. Her husband had a full-out affair and she kicked him to the curb, and now she's been in other relationships since and obviously moved on. I remain married and have had a just horrible time forgetting all of this. I know it is not fair to anyone to remember, but I do and it obviously meant so much more to me than anyone else, or than I realized, at the time. She was lonely, under-loved and need some more attention. I was more than happy to give her what she needed. There was a huge WHITE KNIGHT thing going on, but I was rescuing myself as much as I was her. Boiling it down, I am convinced now it was about sex, really. She was unfulfilled, and wanted to be fulfilled. I was feeling the same and wanted to fill that void for me too. She has acted out since, in inappropriate ways (and is now off work for having a fling with a student) and obviously hasn't fixed what's ailing her. But I haven't fixed myself either. I remain unfulfilled and wish I could fill that void...it's frustrating. Anyhow, I remember all to vividly: her telling me that she liked me more than a friend, that it was genuine and that she loved me for me, not because of any other reason. Ugh. I remember so much the time we had together, and the non-verbals that told me she was feeling strongly about me. That was almost two years ago... I know, I've heard in the other forum all the hate about leaving my wife and so forth...I just need help: is this a common feeling, to remember so long and so vividly? Is it always about sex? Why has she been able to move on so conclusively and I have not? Ugh...please help.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 It was more than just sex - She was lonely, under-loved and need some more attention. I was more than happy to give her what she needed. There was a huge WHITE KNIGHT thing going on, but I was rescuing myself as much as I was her. You NEEDED her to need you. Quite an ego stroke to have that, and then have it taken away, even more so since she and her H split up and now she's with other people - Not choosing to find you again.. The thing is, what about your wife? Would you have left your wife for this woman? Or is it really just about you and what's broken inside? Have you tried counselling to help you get her out of your mind? Talked to your wife about this? Done marriage counselling to see if you can fix things at home? If this OW came back into your life, would you leave your wife? I just ask because you seem very hurt, more so than this just being an ego feed and sex for you. Anyway, if you want to fix yourself, start being BRUTALLY honest - Ask yourself the tough questions, talk to your wife, post here and do some counselling, hopefully with help, you can sort this out - Atleast have some closure so you can find what's missing and fill in that hole, whether it be reconnecting with your wife again, or divorcing. Something final - To not know either way and be confused isn't a healthy way of living.
desertmoon Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 hi u9! wow...2 years and still in pain.... maybe this is not about the xOW or the one month EA at all! I believe this is about YOU-you have needs that are not being met or filled by your current life...you said you have not "fixed" yourself...why not? what about your marriage, what have you done to fix what is so unsatisfying about it? what does your wife know? how about counseling? Keep posting.
NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 As I've posted previously in the infidelity sub-forum, I am still "stuck" and need the insight people in the OW/OM forum might be able to provide. The very short story is I dabbled with a married woman almost a couple years ago. We were both married, with children, at the time. She had 3 boys, I have a boy and a girl. It was short (about a month) and there was no sex, but she opened up to me, told me she cared for me more than a friend, and I jumped in with both feet. Her husband found out, it ended, there was disclosure all around. Her husband had a full-out affair and she kicked him to the curb, and now she's been in other relationships since and obviously moved on. I remain married and have had a just horrible time forgetting all of this. I know it is not fair to anyone to remember, but I do and it obviously meant so much more to me than anyone else, or than I realized, at the time. She was lonely, under-loved and need some more attention. I was more than happy to give her what she needed. There was a huge WHITE KNIGHT thing going on, but I was rescuing myself as much as I was her. Boiling it down, I am convinced now it was about sex, really. She was unfulfilled, and wanted to be fulfilled. I was feeling the same and wanted to fill that void for me too. She has acted out since, in inappropriate ways (and is now off work for having a fling with a student) and obviously hasn't fixed what's ailing her. But I haven't fixed myself either. I remain unfulfilled and wish I could fill that void...it's frustrating. Anyhow, I remember all to vividly: her telling me that she liked me more than a friend, that it was genuine and that she loved me for me, not because of any other reason. Ugh. I remember so much the time we had together, and the non-verbals that told me she was feeling strongly about me. That was almost two years ago... I know, I've heard in the other forum all the hate about leaving my wife and so forth...I just need help: is this a common feeling, to remember so long and so vividly? Is it always about sex? Why has she been able to move on so conclusively and I have not? Ugh...please help. I can tell you it is NOT all about the sex. The sex with my xAP wasn't good. But it was the connection I had with him -- looking into his eyes, him holding me... My A only lasted 3 months. I think the shorter the affair the harder it is for one to really know the "real" person -- we are forever attached to the idealized version of this person. Even after the affair, I have had a wake up call as to how he is NOT like the "knight in shining armor" I thought he was. But STILL when I think about him it's that idealized vision that pops into my head. It sounds like you are still addicted to how she made you feel and how you were able to make her feel. It's the fantasy of who you thought she was. Let her go. Do thought-stopping. Go to counseling. It's time, my friend. Two years is far too long to be still thinking about her. You need to move on.
Author u91746 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 Thanks for the comments so far. I agree. There is something with me. In no way has this fixation been rational. I didn't find out she left her husband for some time afterwards, and it threw me for a loop (a) because she had taken that step and (b) because she left me out of the loop. Then this most recent thing...obviously I'm not "it" for her, but she's still searching. A big part of me feels - is this rational? - that had she taken a different course, and we were together, things would not have been so crappy for both her and for me. I wish I had been given the chance to show her happiness. The hurt part is remembering her telling me what she did, sharing what we did, feeling it was valid and true, and wondering when this all changed. Can anyone explain how you go from disclosing feelings such as these to shutting them completely out of your life? I have sought IC. It was marginally useful. I recently went back, that was better but mostly I'm good, most days, just remember things, wish they were back the way they were, and things had turned out differently. I don't know...
NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Thanks for the comments so far. I agree. There is something with me. In no way has this fixation been rational. I didn't find out she left her husband for some time afterwards, and it threw me for a loop (a) because she had taken that step and (b) because she left me out of the loop. Then this most recent thing...obviously I'm not "it" for her, but she's still searching. A big part of me feels - is this rational? - that had she taken a different course, and we were together, things would not have been so crappy for both her and for me. I wish I had been given the chance to show her happiness. The hurt part is remembering her telling me what she did, sharing what we did, feeling it was valid and true, and wondering when this all changed. Can anyone explain how you go from disclosing feelings such as these to shutting them completely out of your life? I have sought IC. It was marginally useful. I recently went back, that was better but mostly I'm good, most days, just remember things, wish they were back the way they were, and things had turned out differently. I don't know... U9... I'm sorry you're hurting. You're taking the first step, though, it trying to objectively look at her and your feelings. My xAP went from telling me EVERYTHING... talking about things he didn't even talk to his wife about to shutting me completely out. This is one of the biggest reasons why I had SUCH a hard time with the A ending. My brain couldn't understand how someone could be one way and then do something completely opposite... And then in therapy it hit me hard.... The person I saw wasn't my real AP. The person who ended it by disappearing for a month -- THAT was my real AP. It finally made sense. And it gave me a really important insight towards healing.... That this man who I thought was perfect was FAR from it. He showed me what he wanted me to see. And when he got scared, the REAL him came out. The coward showed reared his ugly head. You only knew her for a month. You couldn't possibly have gotten to know the real "her". You were still in that early infatuation stage. Who she is now (which sounds like she's incredibly lost) -- that's the real her. If you're not getting what you need from IC, find a new therapist. It can really help. I'm proof of that. Are you working on your marriage? Is that where you want to be?
Author u91746 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 YeS! Thanks...that is a big part of it...I know, rationally, that I didn't really know her and I knew only part of her, that romaticized ideal of her. And I wanted to be that for her too. The romance was a big part of it. I guess part of me wants life like in the movies, and real life is anything but. My wife = not so romantic, but stable and secure, and very caring deep down...the most generous person I know. She doesn't really need that, and sometimes emotionally doesn't need me, so I was seeking that neediness. When I spoke to her after learning of her impending divorce, she mentioned that it was difficult at work and people would have to get to know her for who she is. With this latest scandal, I'm not sure how many friends she has supporting her, and I wish I could be there/would be allowed to be there to help her...think I could have avoided this with my help, filling in those voids for her. But this is the real her: mixed up and lonely, and on a bit of a self-destructive tear I guess. My life has been sh*t at work too, so there was some of that self-destruction on my part, and without realizing she was doing the same. Midlife sucks. My wife and I have tried a lot to make things romantic and stuff, but it's a difference in personality I think, and in sex drives. Kids keep us busy. We are intellectual soul mates. I am right to do what is right and stay here. Just kinda like there were two paths to take...and frankly I know had I left the family, I would be alone...without either...know that now, but still wonder if maybe things could have worked out. Ugh. Still see her sitting across from me, disclosing her deeply-guarded feelings for me....where did they all go?
scaredinlove Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 IBoiling it down, I am convinced now it was about sex, really. She was unfulfilled, and wanted to be fulfilled. I was feeling the same and wanted to fill that void for me too. That was almost two years ago... Ugh...please help. If was all about sex you would had forget it by now. I think it was more about the connection you had. She opened up for yoiu, you felt lonely and answered back to her. I had an affair with a married man when I was married and that how it started. The void and the loneless is what made me fall for him. Now I am divorced and exMM is long gone and the void is gone too. You have to rethink you marriage and your life, it is no fun to live empty and be longing for someone that moved on from your life. Divorce is very hard but if you are not happy you are not doing anyone a favor... Can you try to reconnect with your wife? Best of luck for you
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 YeS! Thanks...that is a big part of it...I know, rationally, that I didn't really know her and I knew only part of her, that romaticized ideal of her. And I wanted to be that for her too. And the fantasy part of it, romanticized part of it has to be killed off. Somehow.. That is what's keeping you from letting go. She isn't the person you thought she was. I know you're hurting, but it's time for you to (find a new T) reconnect with your wife, remember the reasons why you fell inlove with her, married her, had kids with her.. Start dating your wife, man! Take her out, make her feel special and loved, and hopefully she'll do the same for you.
NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 YeS! Thanks...that is a big part of it...I know, rationally, that I didn't really know her and I knew only part of her, that romaticized ideal of her. And I wanted to be that for her too. The romance was a big part of it. I guess part of me wants life like in the movies, and real life is anything but. My wife = not so romantic, but stable and secure, and very caring deep down...the most generous person I know. She doesn't really need that, and sometimes emotionally doesn't need me, so I was seeking that neediness. When I spoke to her after learning of her impending divorce, she mentioned that it was difficult at work and people would have to get to know her for who she is. With this latest scandal, I'm not sure how many friends she has supporting her, and I wish I could be there/would be allowed to be there to help her...think I could have avoided this with my help, filling in those voids for her. But this is the real her: mixed up and lonely, and on a bit of a self-destructive tear I guess. My life has been sh*t at work too, so there was some of that self-destruction on my part, and without realizing she was doing the same. Midlife sucks. My wife and I have tried a lot to make things romantic and stuff, but it's a difference in personality I think, and in sex drives. Kids keep us busy. We are intellectual soul mates. I am right to do what is right and stay here. Just kinda like there were two paths to take...and frankly I know had I left the family, I would be alone...without either...know that now, but still wonder if maybe things could have worked out. Ugh. Still see her sitting across from me, disclosing her deeply-guarded feelings for me....where did they all go? I hear a lot of me in you. I, too, have a spouse that is awesome in every way -- but is NOT a romantic. I realize now how I was literally starving for affection. But, did I turn TOWARDS my spouse and ASK him for what I needed? Not in a way that I think he could understand. I stupidly connected with my xAP, who quite frankly was there when I was in my most vulnerable state. While I initially thought that he was my "soulmate" (which I never believed in before I met him), I now know that it could have been ANYBODY. There wasn't anything special about him. He offered me food when I was starving. Period. The same goes for your xAP. Know that it could have been anyone. She is NOT the woman that you were meant to be with. And you need to stop romanticizing her NOW. You wouldn't have "saved" her. She is a grown woman. You need to let go of this "rescue" fantasy you have. LET HER GO. It's time. Throw yourself into your marriage. Go to MC. Be romantic towards her even if she isn't the romantic type. Try and re-energize what you have . Focus on your kids. Go on dates. TALK to her. Connect. Listen. You can have a great marriage... but not until you let this "fantasy" go. You can't have three people in your marriage. It doesn't work.
desertmoon Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 u9, yes, you do need to dispel all the myths about your one month emotional affair...it will be painful but it will be worth it. Yes, it appears like she rejected you, but I dare say it was not you that she rejected but perhaps she just did not (still does not, it seems) know what she wants...it looks like she is also in a journey of "finding one's true self". Do you feel trying to date and romance your wife is too contrived? like your trying to do something that does not ring true in your heart? If so, well...you need to define clearly to yourself and your wife what it is that you can offer in staying in the marriage-so your wife can make the decision if what you can offer is enough for her to stay.
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