BCCA Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Sounds very compassionate and understanding of you lol I have the feeling that if the roles were reversed, you would be calling him all sorts of names, but there is no point in even continuing this. I found most of what you said to be deplorable and extremely selfish, but Im sure you get that a lot.
WineCountry Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 You dont have to understand anything, but if youre going to date a guy knowing he has small kids, there is a price to pay. You cant just pretend they are someone else's problem, or ask your bf to ignore their wants for you. And if I had kids, and that was really your feelings on them, I would stay as far away from you as possible. I realize they arent your kids, but they are his, and its not like he should run his life based on what the woman hes been dating 6 months wants to do. Children will last your entire lifetime, and if you dont want someone else's kids 'dictating what you do with your precious vacation', dont date anyone with kids. AMEN!! God knows I only want to date people with no kids, or kids that are at least 17. They are a pain in the a$$, and the mother is usually a total b--th who uses the kids as a pawn against the guy. If i could i would NEVER date someone with kids. Though it is a bit easier with men, as their exes usually have the kids more. Problem is, everybody and their mama has kids now adays...whether they were married or not. It's the 'in" thing I guess. So if you want to open up your dating options, you have to be willing to deal with it, or just date less.
northstar1 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 His kids are his problem imo. I won't be paying any price because I don't have to; his kids are not my responsibility. If he wants to organise things around his kids then that's up to him, but I certainly won't - why should I alter my life for children that aren't even mine? My attitude would be: I am going on vacation, do you want to come with me or not? Just because he can't/won't go doesn't mean I should be similarly constrained. My priority is myself, not his children... if he wants to prioritise them sometimes then of course I understand, but he can't expect me to do the same. I date whoever I want, regardless of whether they have kids or not... I don't see why I shouldn't date someone with kids just because those kids aren't my priority. If the guy wants to date me, he can; if he wants to date someone else who will prioritise his children more, he can. If he ended the relationship because I didn't prioritise his kids, I'd allow the relationship to end rather than change my priorities. If his kids impacted upon my life too much then I'm afraid I'd have to end the relationship, which is why my bf pretty much keeps me and his kids as separate parts of his life. If he's happy with that, and I'm happy with that, then I don't see that it's such a big deal. So I stand by what I said to the OP: ask your bf if he wants to go on vacation with you, and if not then go without him... his kids are not your responsiblity. So, what if down the road he wants to seek joint custody and spend more time with them? You'll just end it because it wont' be convienent for you?
Thornton Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I think it's very understanding of me, given that I don't complain about his priorities in life - if he chooses to prioritise his children I don't say anything, I just let him get on with it and I get on with doing my thing by myself. He is free to prioritise his kids, I just don't see why I should have to prioritise them too. The whole "ex and kids" situation is of his making, so it's his responsibility to handle it - I didn't create that situation so I don't care to deal with it. Why should I have to change my life to accommodate a situation that was not of my making? They have a mother already, it's not like they need me around anyway. Sorry OP, I didn't intend to take the thread off-topic by talking about myself.
Thornton Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 So, what if down the road he wants to seek joint custody and spend more time with them? You'll just end it because it wont' be convienent for you? I asked him about it very early on just to make sure, and he said his kids will never live with him. We live too far away from them anyway for him ever to seek joint custody. But if he did seek joint custody - yes, I guess it would be the end of our relationship, because I can't be doing with children about the place.
Johnny M Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 You'd be forcing him to chose between spending holiday time with you or his kids....Bad move.
Thornton Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 He has to choose anyway... it's not like she's going to go to the ex's house with him on Christmas Day and play happy families, is she? He would go off to see his ex and kids, and the OP would be left on her own, so she might as well go on vacation if she wants to.
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 He has to choose anyway... it's not like she's going to go to the ex's house with him on Christmas Day and play happy families, is she? He would go off to see his ex and kids, and the OP would be left on her own, so she might as well go on vacation if she wants to. Unless the kids live very far away, he could split his holiday time between kids and gf....I'm not just talking about the Christmas Day itself. Going away on a holiday = no time with the kids... I don't have any kids yet, but if I did, I know I'd want to spend time with them during the holidays....especially if they were so young. And I would imagine that every decent parent who cares about their kids would feel the same way. So yes, preventing a father from spending holiday time with his children is pretty selfish, especially considering that OP's sole reason for going away during that particular time of the year is because "it's very cold".
Thornton Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 The whole point is that someone who doesn't have kids can be selfish, because they don't have anyone to think about besides themselves. I'm free to say "I'm going on vacation" even if my bf wants to see his kids - he's not obliged to accompany me, the decision is his. Going on holiday because it's cold is a legitimate reason for choosing a vacation date if you're footloose and child-free; him not being child-free isn't her problem, it's his.
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 The whole point is that someone who doesn't have kids can be selfish, because they don't have anyone to think about besides themselves. I'm free to say "I'm going on vacation" even if my bf wants to see his kids - he's not obliged to accompany me, the decision is his. Going on holiday because it's cold is a legitimate reason for choosing a vacation date if you're footloose and child-free; him not being child-free isn't her problem, it's his. The OP said they were planning to go on vacation together, not that she wanted to go away by herself. And in any event, the fact that you don't have kids of your own does not entitle you to being selfish...If you chose to date someone who has kids, those kids will affect the way you live your life, whether you like it or not. You will have to compromise. So if you don't want another person's kids to get in the way of your plans, don't date someone who has kids. It's quite simple, really.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I've been dating my bf for a couple of years and I still don't know exactly how old his kids are. I have a rough idea - I know they're something like 11, 13 and 16 - but I don't know exactly. So I don't think the OP should necessarily be berated for not knowing how old her bf's kids are. Just because you're dating someone, that doesn't mean you have to be madly interested in their kids - they're their kids, not yours. My bf doesn't talk about his kids a whole lot because he knows I'm not really interested, so although I've met them several times I don't really know a lot about them, including what dates they were born. Who says Christmas is only for kids? I like Christmas too! I would certainly want my bf with me at Christmas, rather than with his ex and children. Certainly if we had children together I would expect him to spend Christmas with me and our children, rather than with his ex and their children. Luckily my bf generally doesn't see his kids at Christmas because they spend time with their mother and grandparents, so I get him for Christmas and he goes to see them the week after. I think when it comes down to it, someone who has no children cannot be expected to understand the constraints upon someone who does have them, or to abide by those constraints when the children imposing them are someone else's. For me, Christmas is a time of year when I go to parties, go on vacation, get drunk and eat a lot - I certainly don't see it as a child-centric holiday, and I (having no children) would be rather annoyed at having someone else's children dictate how my precious vacation time should be spent. If I had a bf who had to stay at home for the sake of his kids, I'd be inclined to go on vacation without him... he may have to stay at home for them, but I don't. OP, the best thing for you to do is to ask your bf what he normally does at Christmas, and whether he wants to go on vacation with you... and if not, then go on vacation without him and enjoy yourself... and think very carefully about your priority in his life. Wow. I can't even relate to not being interested in human beings that are one-half of my beloved's genes. But then - I love kids and have done the stepmom role. Where did I say it's ONLY for kids? I do consider it mainly for kids because IT IS. I didn't say you couldn't love Christmas because it's a kid-holiday. Hell, I love Halloween, if truth be told. I love putting on a costume and decorating the bejeebus out of my house to be all scary. Given the opportunity, I'd throw one hell of a Halloween party or do a haunted house. Not sure what your point is - it's still a kid holiday. Then I guess you have the perfect BF for you - one that's not that involved with his kids. My XH was not that involved with his kids and I hated it. It felt selfish to me because he had a part in creating them, why was he not involved? I much prefer the involvement level of the guy I'm currently dating - he's the primary and very involved with his kids. He loves them like crazy and it's one small part of what I adore about him. But everyone is going to have their preferences. If the person you're dating has kids and you don't like their involvement level, then move along. Don't expect a parent to change their involvement level with their kids for a new partner - that's not fair. So I guess really, the OP needs to discuss with her SO what he usually does with his kids for Christmas. I was actually thinking about that last night at work - couldn't figure out why she'd be asking a board of strangers because everyone is going to give varying answers. Only her SO knows if he's okay with it, or not.
dreamergrl Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Having both parents around as much as possible is very important to children growing up. Dating a single parent - you should accept the whole package. It is INCREDIBLY selfish to take away a child's parent, intentionally, because you're not grown up enough to understand the need a child has for their parent. Then to say if you have kids with the guy, you expect him to forget about his other kids, and make a family with just you're kids? You must be pretty insecure with your relationship to make sure you're bf has nothing to do with his OWN children. I'm pretty disgusted with what I've read here. If you can't handle the fact someone has kids, you have no business dating them. And if you can't be adult enough to understand how it must feel for those kids to not have their parent around....
dreamergrl Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 He has to choose anyway... it's not like she's going to go to the ex's house with him on Christmas Day and play happy families, is she? He would go off to see his ex and kids, and the OP would be left on her own, so she might as well go on vacation if she wants to. Here's a thought - maybe OP should suck it up and deal with the fact that he has kids and try to be more involved. Getting into a relationship with a single parent isn't easy, but it has to be accepted that those children are a part of the person you are dating. No one says that he has to go spend it with his ex - why can't he spend the holiday with his kids without the ex?
Star Gazer Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 You must be pretty insecure with your relationship to make sure you're bf has nothing to do with his OWN children. I'm pretty disgusted with what I've read here. If you can't handle the fact someone has kids... Where did you come up with these conclusions? This isn't the OP's position whatsoever...
Thornton Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 If you chose to date someone who has kids, those kids will affect the way you live your life, whether you like it or not. You will have to compromise. Well, I didn't choose to date someone with kids - I'd rather he didn't have kids, if the truth be told. Unfortunately I met a great guy who just so happens to have kids, and it's easier to cope with his kids than it is to try to find someone else who doesn't have kids. Everyone seems to have them nowadays so finding someone without them who I also like would be difficult - at least my bf doesn't force his kids upon me as other guys might. If I didn't like his involvement level with his kids then I would move on, but since he doesn't expect me to have much to do with them our relationship works ok. I don't have to compromise at all, which is a big part of why our relationship works - if I had to compromise then our relationship wouldn't work. I'm happy with my bf's level of involvement with his kids (and the level of involvement he expects me to have with them). The OP needs to determine what level of involvement her bf has with his kids, and then decide if she can cope with that.
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Well, I didn't choose to date someone with kids - I'd rather he didn't have kids, if the truth be told. And I'm sure he'd rather you be a 20 year old playoby bunny who also happened to be a heiress to a billion dollar fortune, as opposed to whatever you are in real life, if the truth be told . Unfortunately I met a great guy who just so happens to have kids, and it's easier to cope with his kids than it is to try to find someone else who doesn't have kids. In other words, you chose to date a guy with kids because you couldn't find a "great guy" with no kids. Dating him was a conscious choice on your part - no one was holding a gun to your head.
Thornton Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 There's a difference between wanting something reasonable, something equivalent to what you bring to the relationship, and wanting something totally out of proportion with what you can offer in return. It would be reasonable for me to want a guy without kids, because I don't have kids. It would be reasonable for me to want a guy in a professional career, because I'm in a professional career... and so on. It would not be reasonable for most guys to want a 20yo Playboy bunny billionairess, because they can't bring the same things to the relationship. I chose to date a guy with kids because we discussed my involvement and agreed that I didn't have to have anything to do with his kids. So yes, I had to compromise because of the lack of decent men with no kids... but that doesn't mean that's what I'd want in an ideal world. What I really want is a guy whose life is equivalent to mine - good job, no debt, no kids - but if that isn't available then obviously I have to settle for the best I can get, which means dating an otherwise good guy and tolerating his kids.
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I chose to date a guy with kids because we discussed my involvement and agreed that I didn't have to have anything to do with his kids. So yes, I had to compromise because of the lack of decent men with no kids... but that doesn't mean that's what I'd want in an ideal world. What I really want is a guy whose life is equivalent to mine - good job, no debt, no kids - but if that isn't available then obviously I have to settle for the best I can get, which means dating an otherwise good guy and tolerating his kids. This is interesting. On the one hand, you recognize that you had to settle for a man with kids because you couldn't get a "decent man with no kids ". But on the other hand, you still like to pretend that you live in an ideal world, where you were able to get exactly what you wanted. But of course, you don't live an ideal world and you didn't get exactly what you wanted. Otherwise, it wouldn't be called "settling". From the way you talk about "tolerating his kids", it sounds like you resent them for getting in the way of what could have been your "ideal" relationship. And I don't know how long you've been seeing each other, whether you live together, etc. but I seriously doubt that you could have a healthy, long-term relationship with a man who's kids are such a sore point for you. Sooner or later, it will lead to friction.
Thornton Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 No, I don't live in an ideal world and I didn't get exactly what I wanted. I don't pretend I live in an ideal world though - I don't pretend he doesn't have kids, I just don't have anything to do with them. I would have preferred a guy without kids, but I don't resent the kids themselves; it isn't their fault I don't want them. I would be resentful if they were forced upon me and I had to end my relationship because of them, but since I hardly ever see them I don't really resent them. I don't know how things will work out long term; as long as I and his kids are separate in his life then we'll continue to get along just fine. If there's a conflict at some point, I guess he'll have to choose... hopefully there won't be.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 thanks everyone for your responses... Ive decided to book the cruise after xmas.. Ive read a lot of the responses and it doesnt really seem fair to take him from his kids, since they are smaller
WineCountry Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Where did I say it's ONLY for kids? I do consider it mainly for kids because IT IS. I didn't say you couldn't love Christmas because it's a kid-holiday. Hell, I love Halloween, if truth be told. I love putting on a costume and decorating the bejeebus out of my house to be all scary. Given the opportunity, I'd throw one hell of a Halloween party or do a haunted house. Not sure what your point is - it's still a kid holiday. Funny thing is, Christmas was NOT meant to be a "KID" holiday. We, as a society, have perverted the meaning of Christmas down to the point that all we think about is buying a bunch of gifts and letting kids run around ripping presents open on December 25th. It has become completely commercialized. Sad, really. That's actually the only reason parents want to be around on XMAS with their kids..to see them rip open gifts. These kids dont even KNOW the real meaning of XMAS. Hell, we ADULTS dont even get it, so how will the kids learn?? Honestly, I dont believe either side is any better than the other. One side may want to go on a trip for selfish reason, and the other side may want to stay near the kids so they can celebrate what the all mighty dollar bought. Not very "Christmas-like" at all, really. Flame me all ya want. It's true.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 thanks everyone for your responses... Ive decided to book the cruise after xmas.. Ive read a lot of the responses and it doesnt really seem fair to take him from his kids, since they are smaller I'm sorry your thread went so off-tangent, EC. I can't deny being happy about your decision - so sue me, anti-kid-ites.
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I'm sorry your thread went so off-tangent, EC. I can't deny being happy about your decision - so sue me, anti-kid-ites. I agree - I think it's a good choice and it says a lot about your maturity of dating a person with kids.
SadandConfusedWA Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Pardon my French Thorton, but you sound like a grade A selfish biatch. I am disgusted by your attitude towards human beings that the man you are supposed to love has created. Just wow. Unless of course, you don't love your bf all that much...
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 No, I don't live in an ideal world and I didn't get exactly what I wanted. I don't pretend I live in an ideal world though - I don't pretend he doesn't have kids, I just don't have anything to do with them. I would have preferred a guy without kids, but I don't resent the kids themselves; it isn't their fault I don't want them. I would be resentful if they were forced upon me and I had to end my relationship because of them, but since I hardly ever see them I don't really resent them. I don't know how things will work out long term; as long as I and his kids are separate in his life then we'll continue to get along just fine. If there's a conflict at some point, I guess he'll have to choose... hopefully there won't be. And you feel okay asking him to choose between you and his kids?
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