EYECANDY000 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I have a question and hope to get youguys feedback. My boyfriend and I are planning on taking a vacation together sometime this year. It may fall around christmas day or so. So we may leave 12/23 and come back 12-28. The thing is he has kids and I dont have any. Do you think its selfish of me to ask him to take a vacation around this time? I want to go around the holiday because its very cold, and I usually work on christmas. So I think it would be a good chance for me to get away. I just dont want to feel guilty about it
anne1707 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Really need more information first like how old are the children, how long have you been seeing each other, how long since he and their mother split up, what are the usual arrangements he and their mother have over Christmas, if you are away over Christmas when will they see their father, what your boyfriend thinks about this....
alphamale Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 My boyfriend and I are planning on taking a vacation together sometime this year. It may fall around christmas day or so. So we may leave 12/23 and come back 12-28. The thing is he has kids and I dont have any. Do you think its selfish of me to ask him to take a vacation around this time? I want to go around the holiday because its very cold, and I usually work on christmas. So I think it would be a good chance for me to get away. I just dont want to feel guilty about it due to his kids he's not going to go on vacation with you around xmas unless he's jewish or some other religion.
Thornton Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 What does he normally do at Christmas - do the kids stay with him over the holiday period? If he doesn't usually see them until after Christmas (because they're with their mother) then he probably won't mind going away with you. Or he may want to spend Christmas with them - so where does that leave you for Christmas in the foreseeable future - alone? It's kind of a difficult situation - should he spend Christmas with his ex and kids, or with his new gf (i.e. you)? What would happen if you had kids together - would he leave them (and you) and go to see his ex and kids at Christmas? Or will he collect his kids and bring them to spend time with both of you (and any kids you may have together)? How would his ex feel about that? This is all really important stuff for you two to discuss. In the end I think you should just ask him what he normally does at Christmas and whether he wants to go away with you. He may be the kind of parent who isn't too bothered about spending Christmas with his kids, or he may really want to be there, you won't know until you ask. But as I said, clarifying this sort of thing is very important for your future as a couple. If my bf was going to spend holidays with his ex and kids instead of with me, I wouldn't be too impressed tbh.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 We have been together for 6 months now.. He has 3 small children ... Ibelieve 4, 7, and 10..
Author EYECANDY000 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 due to his kids he's not going to go on vacation with you around xmas unless he's jewish or some other religion. he not jewish.. but he may consider it
Soul Bear Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 4,7 and 10.... No chance.... Not unless you take them all together!
alphamale Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 he not jewish.. but he may consider it would you leave you three small kids who love you alone on xmas to go globe-trotting with the boyfriend-of-the-month? probably not i would guess
anne1707 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 We have been together for 6 months now.. He has 3 small children ... Ibelieve 4, 7, and 10.. Do you not know how old the children are?
dreamergrl Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 We have been together for 6 months now.. He has 3 small children ... Ibelieve 4, 7, and 10.. Do you not know how old the children are? I also found this strange. Maybe not when it's the first few dates.. but at 6 months? And at 6 months, I'd think you'd have more of an interest in the kids. Why does it have to be on Christmas? There's plenty of cold days in the winter. I am leaning on the thought that you're not thrilled about your bf's kids. JMO
Author EYECANDY000 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Do you not know how old the children are? I have only met his kids once..and it was briefly...
dreamergrl Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I have only met his kids once..and it was briefly... Again, at 6 months I think you'd have progressed more then this.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 I also found this strange. Maybe not when it's the first few dates.. but at 6 months? And at 6 months, I'd think you'd have more of an interest in the kids. Why does it have to be on Christmas? There's plenty of cold days in the winter. I am leaning on the thought that you're not thrilled about your bf's kids. JMO It doesnt have to be on christmas.. but that day was one of the options.. as well as the January 1.. I would love to meet his kids, so its not that Im not thrilled about them.
dreamergrl Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 It doesnt have to be on christmas.. but that day was one of the options.. as well as the January 1.. I would love to meet his kids, so its not that Im not thrilled about them. So why haven't you? I wouldn't even bring it up unless it's normal for him to not have his kids on Christmas. I'd plan for another day. I'd also take some time and think about if you want to be involved with a man who has kids. I doubt most people who are okay with dating a single parent would try to go on vacation during Christmas, and they would know about the kids. Like their age.
Star Gazer Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 (edited) So why haven't you? I wouldn't even bring it up unless it's normal for him to not have his kids on Christmas. I'd plan for another day. I'd also take some time and think about if you want to be involved with a man who has kids. I doubt most people who are okay with dating a single parent would try to go on vacation during Christmas, and they would know about the kids. Like their age. LOTS of single parents don't allow their children to meet or spend significant time someone they're merely dating until there's a good chance that it's going to go the long haul. One friend of mine has only had one woman meet his children, and that was after they'd been dating 10 months or so. In any event, Eyecandy... I think you should plan a vacation that is NOT centered around such a family-centric holiday. Maybe over New Years or Presidents' Day, both of which are still very cold times. Edited October 13, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
dreamergrl Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 (edited) LOTS of single parents don't allow their children to meet or spend significant time someone they're merely dating until there's a good chance that it's going to go the long haul. One friend of mine has only had one woman meet his children, and that was after they'd been dating 10 months or so. In any event, Eyecandy... I think you should plan a vacation that is NOT centered around such a family-centric holiday. Maybe over New Years or Presidents' Day, both of which are still very cold times. Even if he doesn't want her meeting his kids yet, one would assume she'd have shown interest in learning about them - like their age, and wouldn't question asking him to spend the holidays away from his kids. By six months, one shouldn't be taking a guess at the age of the kids. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date a person with kids. I know it's not my cup of tea, and I choose not to. Edited October 13, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Lauriebell82 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 LOTS of single parents don't allow their children to meet or spend significant time someone they're merely dating until there's a good chance that it's going to go the long haul. One friend of mine has only had one woman meet his children, and that was after they'd been dating 10 months or so. Yeah, that's a good point. He may not want them to get too attached to you or maybe he has had a past bad experience? I briefly dated a man with two small children. Although he did allow me to meet his children right away he did voice his hesistation because I was young and he had told me that his children had been dealbreakers and reasons for past break ups..so he was being cautious. I agree with some of the others that Christmas may not be the best time to go on vacation, as he does probably want to be with his children. It's about 3 months away, you could suggest (with no pressure of course) that the two of you could spend Christmas with his children and then go on vacation for New Years as SG has suggested. Is there an ex wife/ex gf and is she in the picture here? She may have something to do with the limited exposure to his children as well...
Star Gazer Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Even if he doesn't want her meeting his kids yet, one would assume she'd have shown interest in learning about them - like their age, and wouldn't question asking him to spend the holidays away from his kids. By six months, one shouldn't be taking a guess at the age of the kids. You assume too much. Maybe he rarely talks about them. Maybe he told her how old they were at the beginning, but she doesn't know when their birthdays are. Maybe the situation is awkward for her. Maybe there's a control freak ex-W in the picture. Maybe EC has no clue about children in general, and doesn't even know what's appropriate (hence her asking in this thread!), and doesn't know whether he historically spends Christmas with his. That doesn't mean that they're not compatible, or that she *should have* done anything. 6 months really isn't that long a period of time in the dating world, particularly when children are involved. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date a person with kids. I know it's not my cup of tea, and I choose not to. Your interest in dating someone with children isn't really relevant to Eyecandy's situation. It's not fair to put your preferences on her.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Do you not know how old the children are? I have only met his kids once..and it was briefly... Great googly moogly. I've only KNOWN the guy I'm dating for 10 weeks. I guess you could technically say "dating" for 8 weeks. I know the exact ages, names, and basic personalities of his kids and I've never met them. Does your BF not talk about his kids? I don't know - if he's THAT uninvolved with his kids, it may not matter to him. But I'd say for most parents - the timing is a no-no. I would feel incredibly selfish to pull a father away from his kids at that time of year. You have an entire year to choose from. Why are you choosing a time of year that's supposed to be for kids?
dreamergrl Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Great googly moogly. I've only KNOWN the guy I'm dating for 10 weeks. I guess you could technically say "dating" for 8 weeks. I know the exact ages, names, and basic personalities of his kids and I've never met them. Does your BF not talk about his kids? You assume too much. Maybe he rarely talks about them. Maybe he told her how old they were at the beginning, but she doesn't know when their birthdays are. Maybe the situation is awkward for her. Maybe there's a control freak ex-W in the picture. Maybe EC has no clue about children in general, and doesn't even know what's appropriate (hence her asking in this thread!), and doesn't know whether he historically spends Christmas with his. That doesn't mean that they're not compatible, or that she *should have* done anything. I'd wonder about the guy if he doesn't talk about his kids, or doesn't stick around for the holidays for them. And no one said she should know the exact birthdays, but come on, by now she should know the age. And it has nothing to do with being compatible. You could be a perfect match with someone, but if they have kids and you have little to know interest in them, how is that going to work down the line? 6 months really isn't that long a period of time in the dating world, particularly when children are involved. SoulSearcher sure seems to know about her SO's children ...... after 8 weeks. If a person is involved with someone who has kids, they should really take the time to learn about them. Your interest in dating someone with children isn't really relevant to Eyecandy's situation. It's not fair to put your preferences on her. Oh give me a break - I'm not putting my preference on anyone - only stating that there's nothing wrong with that preference because I didn't mean it as an attack when I made the suggestion.
Thornton Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Even if he doesn't want her meeting his kids yet, one would assume she'd have shown interest in learning about them - like their age, and wouldn't question asking him to spend the holidays away from his kids. By six months, one shouldn't be taking a guess at the age of the kids. I've been dating my bf for a couple of years and I still don't know exactly how old his kids are. I have a rough idea - I know they're something like 11, 13 and 16 - but I don't know exactly. So I don't think the OP should necessarily be berated for not knowing how old her bf's kids are. Just because you're dating someone, that doesn't mean you have to be madly interested in their kids - they're their kids, not yours. My bf doesn't talk about his kids a whole lot because he knows I'm not really interested, so although I've met them several times I don't really know a lot about them, including what dates they were born. I would feel incredibly selfish to pull a father away from his kids at that time of year. You have an entire year to choose from. Why are you choosing a time of year that's supposed to be for kids? Who says Christmas is only for kids? I like Christmas too! I would certainly want my bf with me at Christmas, rather than with his ex and children. Certainly if we had children together I would expect him to spend Christmas with me and our children, rather than with his ex and their children. Luckily my bf generally doesn't see his kids at Christmas because they spend time with their mother and grandparents, so I get him for Christmas and he goes to see them the week after. I think when it comes down to it, someone who has no children cannot be expected to understand the constraints upon someone who does have them, or to abide by those constraints when the children imposing them are someone else's. For me, Christmas is a time of year when I go to parties, go on vacation, get drunk and eat a lot - I certainly don't see it as a child-centric holiday, and I (having no children) would be rather annoyed at having someone else's children dictate how my precious vacation time should be spent. If I had a bf who had to stay at home for the sake of his kids, I'd be inclined to go on vacation without him... he may have to stay at home for them, but I don't. OP, the best thing for you to do is to ask your bf what he normally does at Christmas, and whether he wants to go on vacation with you... and if not, then go on vacation without him and enjoy yourself... and think very carefully about your priority in his life.
Star Gazer Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I've been dating my bf for a couple of years and I still don't know exactly how old his kids are. I have a rough idea - I know they're something like 11, 13 and 16 - but I don't know exactly. So I don't think the OP should necessarily be berated for not knowing how old her bf's kids are. Just because you're dating someone, that doesn't mean you have to be madly interested in their kids - they're their kids, not yours. My bf doesn't talk about his kids a whole lot because he knows I'm not really interested, so although I've met them several times I don't really know a lot about them, including what dates they were born. Agreed.
BCCA Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I think when it comes down to it, someone who has no children cannot be expected to understand the constraints upon someone who does have them, or to abide by those constraints when the children imposing them are someone else's. For me, Christmas is a time of year when I go to parties, go on vacation, get drunk and eat a lot - I certainly don't see it as a child-centric holiday, and I (having no children) would be rather annoyed at having someone else's children dictate how my precious vacation time should be spent. If I had a bf who had to stay at home for the sake of his kids, I'd be inclined to go on vacation without him... he may have to stay at home for them, but I don't. You dont have to understand anything, but if youre going to date a guy knowing he has small kids, there is a price to pay. You cant just pretend they are someone else's problem, or ask your bf to ignore their wants for you. And if I had kids, and that was really your feelings on them, I would stay as far away from you as possible. I realize they arent your kids, but they are his, and its not like he should run his life based on what the woman hes been dating 6 months wants to do. Children will last your entire lifetime, and if you dont want someone else's kids 'dictating what you do with your precious vacation', dont date anyone with kids.
Thornton Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 His kids are his problem imo. I won't be paying any price because I don't have to; his kids are not my responsibility. If he wants to organise things around his kids then that's up to him, but I certainly won't - why should I alter my life for children that aren't even mine? My attitude would be: I am going on vacation, do you want to come with me or not? Just because he can't/won't go doesn't mean I should be similarly constrained. My priority is myself, not his children... if he wants to prioritise them sometimes then of course I understand, but he can't expect me to do the same. I date whoever I want, regardless of whether they have kids or not... I don't see why I shouldn't date someone with kids just because those kids aren't my priority. If the guy wants to date me, he can; if he wants to date someone else who will prioritise his children more, he can. If he ended the relationship because I didn't prioritise his kids, I'd allow the relationship to end rather than change my priorities. If his kids impacted upon my life too much then I'm afraid I'd have to end the relationship, which is why my bf pretty much keeps me and his kids as separate parts of his life. If he's happy with that, and I'm happy with that, then I don't see that it's such a big deal. So I stand by what I said to the OP: ask your bf if he wants to go on vacation with you, and if not then go without him... his kids are not your responsiblity.
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