Flying Burrito Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Its been absolute zero contact. I thought she got past what went down. Wrong again. Yesterday afternoon she called completely unexpected. I was home and I could have answered but I let voicemail get it. She left a message. She said she wanted closure and asked me to call her. As much as I disliked thinking she was over me, I liked thinking she was over me. I wish she hadn't done it. And yeah, I know a better man would call back and talk to her. But I'm a dick so its not happening.
Exit Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 (edited) You broke up with her, correct? I went back and tried to piece the story together from your older posts, but maybe this is a new girl you're talking about. If not, why can't you just talk to her? I can play devil's advocate only because I've been in her shoes before, I was over my ex and did not want her back, but I did want her to talk to me and just help me to forgive her, forgive myself, and move on. She had told me things like "go make some other girl happy" and my response to her was that I would love to do that, to move on and find someone else, if she could only give me some closure and peace of mind about everything that happened. But she denied me that, so here I am, 6 months since the break up, over her and not wanting her back, but still very wounded and confused and I already see it affecting how I behave when I meet other girls that I have a potential to be with. I'd be nothing but supportive of you and your decision to stick with no contact if you had been the one who got dumped, but digging up some of your back story, I don't understand why it has to be this way. I guess I just can't understand a situation where I tell myself "I'm being a dick, I could be a better man about it", but just turn my head and walk away. If I knew somebody was suffering because of my words or actions, I would do anything in my power to try to fix it. Reading the older threads about how she was going through a hard time, lost a job, had a pet that died, and you chose to just quietly fade out of her life and cut her off because she was being needy, I don't blame this girl at all for still trying to contact you and get some answers. Much like how my ex broke up with me without giving any reasons, maybe if you had taken the time to go through a proper breakup process with them, they wouldn't be calling months down the line still trying to talk to you. Edited October 12, 2009 by Exit
ttriplett Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 well said Exit.im going through it the other side and no one should be humiliated by words in a breakup.
WTRanger Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Reading the older threads about how she was going through a hard time, lost a job, had a pet that died, and you chose to just quietly fade out of her life and cut her off because she was being needy, I don't blame this girl at all for still trying to contact you and get some answers. I re-read the older posts too, and I don't blame her for wondering why. Her life was falling apart, but since it wasn't on the OP's schedule he dumped her. That's not her being needy, that's her needing your support as the boyfriend. Relationships aren't all about being there for just the good times, it's about being there in the bad times as well. She needs to get on here so we can tell her your lame and spineless moves are all the answers she needs. Grow some balls and just talk to her, tell her exactly why you dumped her. You can try to convince us that you are done, but the internal guilt you will try to suppress will get to you one of these days. Unless you have no soul.
Author Flying Burrito Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 One of the reasons I didn't have the whole conversation about "why" in the first place is because I didnt want to say anything that would hurt her and I refused to lie to her. WTRanger, I think we agree on some level that my actions should be enough for her to go on. Which is precisely my point. I made a drastic move and stuck with it to be sure there could be no return. Returning her call ain't closure. It is a re-opener, step 1 to having her in my life again. That's not going to happen. I won't let it. She worked up her courage for that call I'm sure. You could tell she had difficulty just talking normally. I half expected a followup call to her call, asking again or some email but she kept it to the one call. I can appreciate how hard it must have been for her but she has to be seriously mental if she really thought I would call her back. No Exit, for the record, I didn't do anything other than NOT continuing to talk to her or see her. It was what was best for me. It wasn't about hurting her. I have to think she knows me enough to know that. Yes, that means I acted selfishly. I know that. I took care of what I needed first. I'm going to keep doing it that way without apology. How else can you take care of yourself?
SierraMarie Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I just wrote a really long post and it didn't go through which is probably a good thing. The gist of it was that you owe it to her to tell her the truth of why you broke up with her. You say you don't want to hurt but how much do you think she's been hurting this whole time just wondering. You also say you don't want to hurt her but your actions and words even on here show something else. If you really care about her you will give her closure. No wonder she's still calling you! She wants this to end and you've never given her that you've treated her like crap pretty much. Call her and tell her the truth and maybe she can start to heal from this. There were also some other things I wrote but like I said it's probably a good thing it didn't go through. I don't know anything about your life and situation and why you would treat someone like this, so I won't speculate.
WTRanger Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 One of the reasons I didn't have the whole conversation about "why" in the first place is because I didnt want to say anything that would hurt her and I refused to lie to her. WTRanger, I think we agree on some level that my actions should be enough for her to go on. Which is precisely my point. I made a drastic move and stuck with it to be sure there could be no return. Returning her call ain't closure. It is a re-opener, step 1 to having her in my life again. That's not going to happen. I won't let it. She worked up her courage for that call I'm sure. You could tell she had difficulty just talking normally. I half expected a followup call to her call, asking again or some email but she kept it to the one call. I can appreciate how hard it must have been for her but she has to be seriously mental if she really thought I would call her back. No Exit, for the record, I didn't do anything other than NOT continuing to talk to her or see her. It was what was best for me. It wasn't about hurting her. I have to think she knows me enough to know that. Yes, that means I acted selfishly. I know that. I took care of what I needed first. I'm going to keep doing it that way without apology. How else can you take care of yourself? I understand you don't want to hurt her, but the silent treatment is proven and well known emotional abuse. The fact that you ostracize her is probably hurting her more than the truth ever would. If you ever find yourself on the end of the silent stick, you'll never practice this maneuver again. But, this may be one of those cases where the truth is brutal. I agree that you shouldn't make up some bogus lie, but at the same time, this action isn't the best either. You can help yourself by clearing your conscience with her. It sounds as if you are set in your way not to talk to her, which hopefully she can figure it out for herself and not keep coming after you. Unless this is an Ego stroker for you. SierraMarie, he doesn't owe her squat. She is not entitled to anything from him. It's being a decent human being to tell someone the truth, but its not something that is owed to you. There is no bill she can check, there is no invoice she can take to the court system to make him pay up. She's put trust in him, misplaced trust, but she did put it in him to just be honest with her.
scipio Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I'm not sure why OP would choose to be "a dick" in his own words. What goes around comes around though,...one day the OP will need people at a very tough time in his life,..thats inevitable. He can only hope that they don't shoot him down the way he shot this woman down.
Author Flying Burrito Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 I understand you don't want to hurt her, but the silent treatment is proven and well known emotional abuse. The fact that you ostracize her is probably hurting her more than the truth ever would. If you ever find yourself on the end of the silent stick, you'll never practice this maneuver again. I hear that. Arguably, her continuing to contact me also could be construed as abuse by anyone going off half-cocked you know? Though to be clear, I don't consider one short voicemail after a period of several months as being abusive, stalking, bipolar behavior or any other negative that's been thrown out on the boards here when someone is still reaching out a year after a breakup. If only there had been another way. I understand that cutting her off the way I did probably damaged her severely. I saw no other way to end it. I do see renewed contact as leading to starting the cycle over again. Its hard to imagine feeling as much for anyone else to find myself on the other end of the silent stick as you put it. Nice way of putting it BTW. In all these years, there was no one else for me. The truth is there still isn't anyone else. I finally dated someone new this summer. It was more serious than a few casual dates but in the end, amounted to a dullish summer thing. For whatever it means, even at the point where I dropped out, when Amy was at her worst, crying at the drop of a hat depressed, she was far more interesting and fun (and trust me, she was a basket case) than anyone else I've met since. So whatever that is worth, its a truth too. Of course I want to talk to her. It would be fun to discuss politics with her again. Ames is brilliant and she has an amazing sense of humor and I miss it. She laughed the way little kids laugh. Sometimes I miss when she laughed randomly at something she was reading. Just like sometimes I miss her lips and breath near my skin and her body leaning in to mine when we'd watch a program or a movie. But the reality is I don't want it all of the time and I don't want to sign on for the basket case again, no matter how much more fun she is at her worst than anyone else at their best. Amy was, and still is, the closest to perfect a girl could be for me. Which is to say, I know what I gave up and I still chose to give her up. Yeah. The truth is brutal.
Soul Bear Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 If you are over her,then why is it so hard for you to give her some answers? She obviously has not made her own closure and gone NC as many of us DUMPEES have done on LS. Yeat as the DUMPER you choose to put her through more hell by giving her the silent treatment. My ex was a dick to me, and It made it EASIER to get over her. She dumped ME. I have been NC for about 5 months now and I love it. If your going to be self confessed dick, then you must have the balls to go with it and pick up the f-ing phone or write her and tell her what she needs to here. Be a dick, say whatever you want, just don't be silent.. If you don't have the balls then you are nothing better than a Dildo- basicly your a fake dick. That's really bad by the way. It's a shame she is not on LS. Sounds like she could do with our help a little more than you could right now. Be a man, and do the right thing.
WTRanger Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 It sounds to me as if you are either not completely over this girl and you are starting to regret your decision or the guilt of how you ended things is finally getting to you. Or a combination of both of them. Look at the way you talk about her. I've never talked that way about someone who I am over with. Re-read Soul Bear's post, then read it again and again and again. His assessment is spot on.
Author Flying Burrito Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 There will always be a part of me that desires her and misses her. That has never changed. So over her in the sense that I want to sign on for another go? No thanks. But will I ever be over her in the sense that if she showed up on my doorstep would I NOT want to trace the contours of her clavicles with my tongue? What do you think? AGAIN, this is why I need to stick to my decision.
jumbalaya Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I completely agree, you are a dick. re: If only there had been another way. I understand that cutting her off the way I did probably damaged her severely. And you clearly don't care. You seem really angry or there's something just "off" about you. Grown-ups don't behave like this. People who have a soul and heart don't behave like this. You left her with a pile of sh*t and feel no remorse or warmth in your heart. You think your behavior is less hurtful than communicating? Whatever was going on in her life, no doubt - you made it a million times worse. I promise you that when she's over you and back on her feet, she'll remember you as a loser and an ass - forever. And that's how you will be described to others. It's just too bad she was so unlucky that she met you in the first place. But then you have to live with you every day and karma is a bitch.
Soul Bear Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 LOL I love how you're trying to come across as noble and reflective, almost self protective, but really you are coming across as something else altogether shallow. Either you want her or you don't. There is no middle ground. Sounds to me like you do want her physically, but you think you can do better mentally. Personally, I think it is your behaviour and mindset that has driven her to the state that you grew such a disliking to. In fact I'm almost 100%. You sound very selfish and insensitive, unwilling to see anyones views but your own, and as a dumper, that can only spell out trouble for you as you don't reflect. As a dumpee, it can work magic as it will balance you out and improve you, but as a dumper, you are heading down a path where Angels dare not tread. You have been warned. I'll tell you something for nothing, sometimes better the devil you know. My previous post still stands, and if in a years time you re-read what I wrote, I'm sure it'll have a much stronger impression on you.
Soul Bear Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Burrito- Tell me whats going on in your head today.
Author Flying Burrito Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Burrito- Tell me whats going on in your head today.Ha ha. Sure. I think you're an idiot. Seriously, why is it so hard for you to comprehend? Its possible to find someone attractive body, mind and soul and yet not want a relationship.
mickleb Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I don't get how giving her the closure she REALLY would like to have = you two getting it on again. She probably just would like to check that her assessment of you as a complete ars*hole is on the money. Closure is about putting an unresolved nagging to bed. You know the score but a tiny voice can't quite believe someone could be so heartless. You speak with them and they go over it again (or, in your case, for the first time) and you go 'ah, yup, got it - he IS a dick!' and move along. Why, a year later, do you presume she'll want you? Is it that you secretly fear her rejection of you? Because it is quite something that you KNOW she just can't wait to show up at your door and f*ck your brains out (and then you'll have to keep f*cking her and then you might hurt her again, oopsie). If you want her contact to stop just direct her to this forum, then change your ID. She'll not want a sniff of you when she learns the full truth of the matter. And it is SO much more likely that she doesn't want you back. Besides, it's ridiculous your saying you daren't speak to her because you won't be able to help yourself. You've done a good job of obsessing about her for a year and avoiding her like the plague. Write her a letter if you can't trust yourself to hear her velvety voice. Or are you using this forum as a weird blog and don't care what any of us think at all?
Author Flying Burrito Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Brilliant. A short text reiterating that she wanted "closure" and we could trade mail if I didn't want to talk. I'm fuc*king laughing. This is a joke. The whole point of no contact is to have no contact. You're making me think she is truly insane if she doesn't understand this concept by now. Its been over a year. Maybe she is bipolar. About all that other stuff you wrote, you know what? You're right, I have no way of knowing but let's keep it real, I don't want to take a chance because oh my fuc*king aching balls, she is HOT and she is FUN! You have no idea. Its not that she's irresistible. I've resisted plenty of times before but all it takes is me saying what the fuc*k one more time and I'm right back where I started. I like no contact.
Author Flying Burrito Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) So, it's a blog, then? Ok. Night night. What? Look, I don't go onto your posts and slam/judge you so what say you stop pulling that crap here. What a bitter, tired manipulator you are! Edited October 14, 2009 by Flying Burrito
Soul Bear Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 It's OK. I can be an idiot in your eyes. If that comment was designed to burn me, I'm afraid you didn't have any luck there. Do you know how pathetic you are making yourself look here? You come here for answers, you don't like what you hear, so you throw a tantrum like a 5 year old. It's ok tho, I can forgive. I did it too at one point. I can completely comprehend Its possible to find someone attractive body, mind and soul and yet not want a relationship. What I can't comprehend is why you are to cowardly to give the poor girl some closure. No contact is for someone to HEAL. Usually the dumpee. But you, MR, went NC on her after YOU broke HER heart. So are you saying the reason you can't even give her a virtual answer to some questions, is because YOU are not over her yet? You say you don't want to see her physically, that's fine. So what is stopping you here?
Author Flying Burrito Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Soul Bear, What I'm reading here is quite the opposite. Some of you seem unable to appreciate that a dumper ... 1. has any human rights 2. might also need to heal 3. is a person like anyone else who has independent thought and changing ones at that. What I see among these posts is an absolute denial that people can have conflicting thoughts and feelings. What I see among these posts is that some people don't actually want or like the truth and so they have to try to re-shape it or condemn it. I chose no contact to deal with dropping the relationship because there was no better option. It was time for my life to move ahead. Maybe in the movie about your lives, your exes are the stars. It may seem cold, cruel, I think soulless and heartless got mentioned a few times or whatever name you want to throw at it, but in my life, I choose to take care of ME first. How could I begin to take care of someone's needs without taking care of my own? Did you consider that maybe some of the problems in your relationships were that you stopped taking care of your own happiness and relied on your exes to do it for you? Soul Bear, you actually thought it would be a good thing if I called her back and treated her like crap the way your ex did you. You think that would be the manly, more grownup, braver thing for me to do? What kind of advice is that?
delajoonal Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 flying burrito... ok, i am not going to judge ....i hope IT does not come out that way.. just an observation..if you will... i am thinking you are very young...20's??? so it is acceptable for you to not really understand YET how giving someone that little piece of mind (closure) is NOT about breaking your cycle of narcissism... but possibly giving another human being a bit of respect? this girl obviously felt/feels something HUGE for you, or she would not put her dignity on the line in making THAT phone call, then leaving a message even...you are right that his a HARD thing to do..for anyone. and calling her things like bi-polar, well, that is not cool...bi-polar is a very serious and destructive illness and affects many people and the people that love them...so just because SHE called you a year later for some type of closure does nOT mean she is bi-polar. my concern is..if you are SO happy with you being YOU and NOT giving a 'crap' about HER feelings or anyone elses..you have to take care of '#1' quote? then why are u posting under the COPING forum???? maybe YOU ARE NOT so happy with your decision to treat this girl with such disregard and cruelty??? maybe you know deep down that it is a cruddy thing you are doing and you need some type of closure or validation yourself???? maybe you should let your WALL down for a minute and REALLY post what your feeling..? sounds to me like YOU are the one that is scared and possibly more hurt than even that girl is??? it might be a relief for you to let DOWN THAT WALL...for just a minute..and let someone in... just IMHO... good luck burrito...take care;)
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