jeffbillups Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 This is my first time ever posting to any forum like this. I apologize that this is quite lengthy, but I want to explain as best as I can. I know most people will see that it is long and may not read it, but if you are willing, then I thank you even just for listening to my situation. And thank you in advance for any help anyone can give! I guess I'll start off with some background information. I am a freshman just entering a into college. Over my past four years in high school, I've occasionally thought about having a relationship with someone, but every time I'd always come back to the same conclusion. I thought that I was too busy and involved with activities and school to have time, or that I wasn't ready for that sort of thing yet because I was still figuring out who I was as an individual, and that I wouldn't know how to act or what to do. There was no one that I really felt much of a connection to, even when I considered the possibility as well. I continued this line of thinking up until my senior year and didn't know if having a girlfriend was worth it at that point in my life, but I was wrong. So, moving on: This spring in February, I went to the musical that my high school performs annually, and this time it was Cinderella. After the play when I was driving home a weird longing/melancholy feeling came over me and remained for the next couple of days and I had no idea why at first. Even though I have a bunch of things going for me, everything suddenly seemed so trivial and meaningless. It felt like I had somehow done it all wrong, that there was something missing. The girl who played Cinderella in the play kept popping into my mind and I finally realized that maybe she was the reason. I know it's really cliche, but just like in the play, the guy sees the girl for the first time and instantly has an attraction even though he barely knows her, and that happened to me I guess. I didn't really know her at all, even though we go to the same school because I went to a high school with over 2000 kids, but I was friends with several people that she was also friends with, so I asked one of them about her. This mutual friend thought that the girl would be interested in meeting me and thought that we would make a good fit. I found out more about her and found out that she was three years younger than I was, but had skipped a grade; so she was a sophomore and I was a senior. I realized that immediately this would make things very complicated, but I knew I'd regret it if I never gave myself the chance. So I took the risk and started talking to her one day and after a few days I asked her out on a date. She said yes and we had a great time, and the more time I spent with her, the more and more I liked her. We had been going on dates for about a two months or so, and I was really falling for her. She seemed to have it all, she was cute, smart, funny, outgoing, the whole deal. Everything seemed to fall into place, like I finally figured out what life was all about. I wanted to show her how I felt about her and confirm my feelings so I asked her to be my girlfriend to make our relationship official. She said yes and I was very happy. It was perfect until a week later when I went over to her house to pick her up for an outdoor play we were going to see. We were just sitting in her house hanging out talking for a little bit before we were going to leave, when out of the blue she said she needed to "tell me something". I was very surprised and immediately my heart sank because that phrase never turns out well. She was visibly upset and tearing up and said that she really liked me, but she wasn't ready for a relationship, not that she didn't want me, but she wasn't ready for a romantic relationship with anyone. Over the next few days I tried to grapple with what possibly could have happened. I couldn't find anything that had happened that would cause her to switch so suddenly. We were basically already in a relationship, just without the formal tittle of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend," we would do things about every week and talk almost every day. So I couldn't understand how the title would make things so different, it wasn't as if anything would suddenly change because of a title. It felt so unfair. When I was dating her, I purposely took things extra slow. Since she was younger than me, I made sure to be extra careful and respectful. I wasn't forward at all during the whole time in regards to the physical side, and I never gave off signs that I was expecting anything of the sort. For me, I cared more for just spending with her and getting to know her than doing anything more physical. I guess I follow the "nice guy" mentality. She said that she really liked me and hanging out with me and all that and that she really wanted to stay friends. I was pretty devastated and didn't know what to do. I talked to her to try to understand exactly what was upsetting her or overwhelming her to make her decide that, but I never really got a good answer. I explained exactly how I felt about her and how much she meant to me, but it didn't seem to sway her mind. I was pretty depressed and gloomy for a good while. Probably mostly because it was my first experience with a relationship, and I was so close. It was like I realized there was a big hole in my life, and I found the perfect person to be with, and then it slips right through your fingers and there's nothing you can do about it. I wanted to take her in my arms and wash away the fear and sadness. There's that old saying, "it's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all," but I didn't really believe it before. How could this pain be better than how I felt a few months ago before I even met you? But as I was lying in my bed one night, I realized something. That brief period of joy I had with her, even if it was only a couple of months, was worth it. When I was with her, I felt as happy as I've ever been. Just being able to spend time with her, and look into her eyes, I wouldn't trade that for anything. For that short time, everything felt right. I felt like I had finally understood what I had been missing. When she told me, it was the beginning of June, and over the next few months I seemed to be gradually getting better and working through it. I did talk to her a few times via IM, and she initiated conversations, because I didn't want to be a jerk and never talk to her again, seeing as she said that she really wanted to stay friends and talk to me still. It was hard though, because it wasn't like we hated each other or fought or anything, so I still obviously have feelings for her. Then August rolled around and all the chaos that comes with moving into college began. Moving in and meeting new people and everything else that comes with starting out college really helped to take my mind of of it. She'd cross my mind sometimes, but I'd move on to something else. But then after about a month or so, I started settling in and everything calmed down. And then she started coming back into my mind more and more. It’s the same cycle, over and over again: pain, regret, optimism, and nostalgia. Some days I’ll feel as carefree as I did before I even met her, confident and excited about what's to come, but then that sinking feeling of reality sets in again. I now realize that the age difference was probably the main factor in what caused her to second guess herself. She is a junior in high school, and I'm starting college, so I can understand that she was probably overwhelmed about having to deal with it all, and trying to have a relationship with someone who's in college. We are in two different points in our lives. I'm going to a school in the same city as we live, but still it 'd be complicated. I can understand where she is coming from if I was in her situation, but I wouldn't have lead someone on like she did and then give up like that. I guess it comes down to her not feeling quite the same way about me as I do for her. So here I am now, a few months into college, and she still is in my mind daily. I've been doing better somewhat, but it's still hard, because I really would like that connection. Being able to talk to someone when you need someone there who can help when you don't feel like talking to just a friend, the companionship, and everything else. I really liked her, and even though I've been trying to keep my eyes open here at my college, I haven't found anyone quite like her. People say that "everything happens for a reason" meaning that it fell apart because someone better is waiting just around the corner or something of the sort. I wish I could believe that. I wish it were that simple; to always have that effortless optimism pushing you on, but it’s not true. I personally do not believe in some divine plan or fate that is guiding our lives. And I guess that’s what makes it so hard, to know just how close I was, and that I failed. “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” people will say. Maybe that’s true, but that doesn’t mean that it will be easy to find the one I’m looking for. When you’ve found someone who makes it work, who fits perfectly, and then they’re gone, it’s hard to just move on and start over. I know this may sound petty compared to people who have been married or longer relationships, but I've never been through this before, so it's still the toughest thing I've dealt with. I still like her and wish something could somehow work out, but I realize that's just a dream and doesn't seem very possible anymore. I'm still friends with her and maintain a connection because obviously I still care for her, and I guess there's always the the chance that somewhere down the road in a few years if we both are at points in our lives where we aren't tied down, then there is at least the possibility that something could happen. I'm not really sure exactly what I'm even asking, but I guess any advice or help you can offer would be appreciated in what I could do, or how to handle any interaction with her in the future. Thank you very much. -Jeff
Thebob Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Ok Jeff, I think I'm prolly the only one who read this monstrous post, but I'll give this a crack and let me know if my information has helped you. I just went through the same thing this summer. But previously in High School I hooked up with girls but never had a official relationship because I never let it get that far. I was immature obviously, and I just experienced what you experienced this summer as well. I met this girl during the summer at a party, Hooked up with her in the hot-tub and we started dating and become intimate within 2 weeks, then I had only 3 more weeks until she went off to college so I tried to speed the relationship process up. She was everything to me, I actually cared for this girl, and I would of given anything for her. She was beautiful, smart, rich, blonde, but the saying is! "some things are to good to be true." She cared for me, liked bein with me, but she didn't want to be in a long distance relationship with me and didn't think she wanted to be in an official one with me at all. When I heard this horrible news I was so hurt, I thought we were perfect, we talked all the time, hung out together, and her smile would make my day great. The only thing that I could do was tell her not to talk to me until she is back in town on breaks, and in the summer. I couldn't bear just being her friend, because we had already been intimate. I could only see her as a girlfriend and nothing more so I had to end the conversations. She told me that she wanted to get with other guys and didn't want to hurt my feelings, but long and behold of course my feelings are hurt if she says that to me. If I kept talking to her, I know that I would be stuck hoping that she would come back but that would simply not be the case. No contact is the only hope for you to get her out of your head, and of course your going to have those memories embedded within your head, but don't let them get to you emotionally. She was a fling at the time, and you need to move on. As a funny guy posted to my post , " Your awsome man, she isn't". If she can't commit then you deserve better if you gave her everything that you had. So you and I are in the same situation, but I have been successful with the no contact because that is the only way to get the girl off your mind. Hopefully someday those girls realize what they threw away, and hopefully they come crawling back begging for you to come back. But don't rely on it when I say that! So to sum this up, do NO CONTACT with her man, you can't be her friend if you have that feeling that you two should be in a relationship. It makes things to hard, and you won't be able to move on. Im sorry if this is harsh, but it's the only way and I'm sorry to put it in that type of wording. I won't be surprised if this girl doesn't contact me when she comes back, but I will always remember what memories we had together and I will never forget them. Such as being on a jet-ski together, having dolphins swim right beside us then we started kissing. I will never forget it, and I know she won't as well. You need to move on. Hopefully this helps! Thebob
Thebob Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 is everything good with you and your ex? hope my words of wisdom helped haha
Author jeffbillups Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 Hey thanks for replying. Sorry I've been busy lately and hadn't checked it. I've been doing somewhat better lately. I guess I've just been able to think more clearly about it and figure it out more in my mind. I'm not going to break off all contact with her, because I still have feelings for her. Yeah it will be more difficult in some ways on me because I still like her, but it's not just about me. I'm going to still be friends with her, even if it is purely on a platonic level. And if somewhere down the road in a few years something happens, great, but most likely it won't and that's fine. If it was a bad breakup with fighting, or cheating or something, then it'd be different. But in my situation at least, if both people still like each other enough to be friends, there's no reason to erase the other person from your life when there is no anger. I feel the total no contact approach would be both selfish and hurtful with my situation. It's no one's fault that we're at different points in our lives. Sure no contact may work in other cases, but I don't think so here. Thanks for the advice though. I really do appreciate it a lot. -Jeff
Thebob Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 No problem, it's just hard when your LDR ( long distance ), and I would wait until your back in town from school because it'll get to the point that even when you talk to her as a friend your still going to think of her as a GF, it's unavoidable. I would honestly do NC, but then let her know when your coming back to town and that you want to spend time with her. It will be easier for the both of you so you can heal your wounds and finally think clearly about the whole situation. This is what I am going to do because I never had a fight with my girl, but I couldn't stop thinking about her when I knew it wouldn't work out due to the LDR. I could never not view her as my ex because we were intimate maybe down the road like you said it will work out, but for the meantime i need healing time to help me get over her because she didn't want to have a relationship due to the previous boyfriend the previous year. But this is my opinion, and you can live your life as you want to. HOpe all goes well Thebob
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