Our SEX LIFE is NO MORE!

[goingcrazy03]

I would really like to hear everyone's advice on my problem. I'm really on the verge of losing it. Let me give you the history. We have been together for 4 yrs, I'm 29 1 child, he's 32 2 children, we do not have any together. We didn't get together in the best situation (which is a whole other story), we have had our fair share of problems, but we have always gotten through them. Are sex life at the beginning was PERFECT, a few times a day, fun spontaneous, etc.

 

I know the honeymoon period, i understand that, but never in my life i could ever imagine it getting this bad. Its been going on now for over a year. We have both been laid off for over a year now, both of us get unemployment, yes it has been hard, stressful, depressing etc. But we are making it work. And i know it can take a tool on a relationship, but this is just horrible. We are talking maybe once every 6-7 weeks we have sex. And no he is not cheating on me, i know this for a fact, trust me he doesn't even leave the house.

 

I have heard the reason he is like this now is that he is depressed, i will take part of that as a reason, but again its far from horrible here. Another reason is internet porn. He doesnt look at it constantly, probably about 1-2 hours a week. Which never was a problem before cause our sex life was good, heck we used to watch it together, but of course now it is a problem cause are sex life is non exsistent. I have begged, cried, screamed, yelled, talked nice everything, all i get is empty promises, him saying " he knows it is a problem, and he will fix it, give him a chance". He still shows me all the other affections, hugs , kisses, flirting, telling me he loves me, just NO SEX.

 

We got into a big blow out a couple of weeks ago about my attitude and bitchness about the whole thing. I told him i would work on it and change, which i have big time, while he has shown no effort. He still tells me he is attracted to me, wants me etc. Just he stays up to late, has to many drinks, to tired, every excuse. Now he is telling me i'm sex crazed, and i'm basing our relationship on sex rather then love. Which to me is total BS and him trying to turn it on me. He says now he feels like i'm giving him a ultimatium. Which in a way i am, i dont want to be in a sexless relationship. Nor do i want to go be with anyone else.

 

I'm in love with him. I just honestly and truly dont know how i am supposed to deal with this. Or what i sould do? How can a person just take a 360 degree turn on there sex life. He says I need to be patient, once he gets a job, and things are back to normal around here, the bedroom life will get better. The thing that i dont understand is he went through this with his ex wife, but it was him who was not getting any and she didnt want it. And in that case he left her (obviously for a ton of other reasons but that was one of them). So he knows exactly how this feels. How can he say he loves me, and is attracted to me, wants me, but our sex life sucks? HELP

Edited October 11, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[scatterd]

Im wondering if its stress or low testrones sometimes when men are over stressed or presured they dont have drive.Maybe if you could find time alone where you both r relaxed it will help.I know same problem ive had

in past.rub his back kiss him for a few minutes dress up sexy see if works.

Im glad he is not having sex with someone else its hard to keep things alive when there is so many things to do life is stressful.good luck dont take it personal he is probably over stressed.Its easy giving advice but folowing it is hard.lol

[Athena]

Could be several factors for him; not only is he feeling 'less manly' for not working and providing for you, but he feels like HE is not doing the chasing for sex... you are now chasing him... he may be a man that feels like he needs to get it... and maybe he feels the pressure you are putting on him is further emasculating him on top of everything else in his life. It doesn't make it right, it may just be his Feelings which are causing this behavior.

 

You could lay off for a while -- take the pressure off him, and you get more involved in outside hobbies. If you cannot find work, then volunteer to help out somewhere... it will give you a sense of satisfaction and may even count as work experience in your resume when you do look for a job in the future. Besides, sometimes volunteering does lead you to a job...

 

Try not to point out any of his faults, since he must be exceptionally vulnerable after being unemployed for a year and having failed marriage and previous relationships, perhaps he's super sensitive to anything to do with 'failure' and certainly if he knows you are disappointed in him sexually, it's yet another failure on his shoulders.

 

You are going to have to back right off, find joy in other things.... and try to genuinely compliment him for things he does do, and completely lay off any criticism... give him at least six months of this, and then reassess the relationship.

[Fallen Angel]

Could be several factors for him; not only is he feeling 'less manly' for not working and providing for you, but he feels like HE is not doing the chasing for sex... you are now chasing him... he may be a man that feels like he needs to get it... and maybe he feels the pressure you are putting on him is further emasculating him on top of everything else in his life. It doesn't make it right, it may just be his Feelings which are causing this behavior.

 

You could lay off for a while -- take the pressure off him, and you get more involved in outside hobbies. If you cannot find work, then volunteer to help out somewhere... it will give you a sense of satisfaction and may even count as work experience in your resume when you do look for a job in the future. Besides, sometimes volunteering does lead you to a job...

 

Try not to point out any of his faults, since he must be exceptionally vulnerable after being unemployed for a year and having failed marriage and previous relationships, perhaps he's super sensitive to anything to do with 'failure' and certainly if he knows you are disappointed in him sexually, it's yet another failure on his shoulders.

 

You are going to have to back right off, find joy in other things.... and try to genuinely compliment him for things he does do, and completely lay off any criticism... give him at least six months of this, and then reassess the relationship.

 

I agree 100 percent.

 

Men want to feel as though they are doing their job as a man and providing for their families, the year without work is a definate blow to his masculinity in his eyes. And I am sure he thinks that you see him as a failure even if it is not true.

 

You have probably said things to him innocently that hurt his male pride, and now you have to work hard to help build back his confidence.

 

You need to let him know in no uncertain terms that you respect him as a man.

 

Something as simple as laying in bed next to him and rubbing his arm and giving a gentle squeeze to his muscles and then saying " I feel so safe when I am in your arms" is a HUGE ego boost to a man. He wants to feel as though he is taking care of you, so you have to let him. I know it sounds silly but letting him do "manly" things for you will probably turn this around.

 

Things like asking him to open a jar for you by saying "Will you please open this for me, you are so much STRONGER than I am."

 

The more feminine and in need of his "masculine skills" you appear, the more his masculinity will come out. And you will find that it will lead to more action in the bedroom, without your having to beg and plead for it.

 

Good Luck!

[boogieboy]

You shgould definitly lay off, leave him space, dont let him get too close to you. Let him desire you again by missing you. Since both of you are unemployed, are you seeing each other all day long? I think That is the problem if you are. One of you has to start working somewhere so you two can miss each other, and not see each other all day long.

[mem11363]

I don't believe he is not masturbating. Sorry - I just don't. Nothing wrong with M'ing if he is taking great care of you sexually. But doing that instead of pleasing you - well that is a total non starter.

 

As a man I can tell you that if he stops masturbating and focuses his sexual energy exclusively on you, AND goes easy on the alcohol, he is going to want to have sex way more then once in 6 weeks. Is he exercising - it helps with testosterone. If he is not exercising he needs to start it will help him.

 

Total bs that you have to back off for 6 months. At his age his drive should be high to very high so this is NOT going to get better if he doesn't make some changes.

 

He needs to step up, be disciplined and be honest with you if there is anything you are doing that has affected his desire level for you. But he needs to be specific, it can't just be a total mental MF (mindscrew) like - you are putting pressure on me and that is the issue. The pressure came AFTER he started ignoring you right?

 

It might help for him to get at least a part time job as well. And maybe for you as well.

 

 

 

 

I would really like to hear everyone's advice on my problem. I'm really on the verge of losing it. Let me give you the history. We have been together for 4 yrs, I'm 29 1 child, he's 32 2 children, we do not have any together. We didn't get together in the best situation (which is a whole other story), we have had our fair share of problems, but we have always gotten through them. Are sex life at the beginning was PERFECT, a few times a day, fun spontaneous, etc.

 

I know the honeymoon period, i understand that, but never in my life i could ever imagine it getting this bad. Its been going on now for over a year. We have both been laid off for over a year now, both of us get unemployment, yes it has been hard, stressful, depressing etc. But we are making it work. And i know it can take a tool on a relationship, but this is just horrible. We are talking maybe once every 6-7 weeks we have sex. And no he is not cheating on me, i know this for a fact, trust me he doesn't even leave the house.

 

I have heard the reason he is like this now is that he is depressed, i will take part of that as a reason, but again its far from horrible here. Another reason is internet porn. He doesnt look at it constantly, probably about 1-2 hours a week. Which never was a problem before cause our sex life was good, heck we used to watch it together, but of course now it is a problem cause are sex life is non exsistent. I have begged, cried, screamed, yelled, talked nice everything, all i get is empty promises, him saying " he knows it is a problem, and he will fix it, give him a chance". He still shows me all the other affections, hugs , kisses, flirting, telling me he loves me, just NO SEX.

 

We got into a big blow out a couple of weeks ago about my attitude and bitchness about the whole thing. I told him i would work on it and change, which i have big time, while he has shown no effort. He still tells me he is attracted to me, wants me etc. Just he stays up to late, has to many drinks, to tired, every excuse. Now he is telling me i'm sex crazed, and i'm basing our relationship on sex rather then love. Which to me is total BS and him trying to turn it on me. He says now he feels like i'm giving him a ultimatium. Which in a way i am, i dont want to be in a sexless relationship. Nor do i want to go be with anyone else.

 

I'm in love with him. I just honestly and truly dont know how i am supposed to deal with this. Or what i sould do? How can a person just take a 360 degree turn on there sex life. He says I need to be patient, once he gets a job, and things are back to normal around here, the bedroom life will get better. The thing that i dont understand is he went through this with his ex wife, but it was him who was not getting any and she didnt want it. And in that case he left her (obviously for a ton of other reasons but that was one of them). So he knows exactly how this feels. How can he say he loves me, and is attracted to me, wants me, but our sex life sucks? HELP

[boogieboy]

Oh man, if he is masterbating to porn or anything other than you, then hes bored with you....thats real trouble. Then you'd really have to get away from each other.

[The Midnight Rider]

Your husband is depressed because he is not working, period. A man doesn't do something, he IS something. He doesn't deliver the mail, he's a mailman. He doesn't cook food, he's a cook or he's a chef. A man identifies his self-worth with his job. In short, if he does nothing, in his mind, he is nothing. In his eyes, he may not feel WORTHY enough to make love with you. Get him off his ass and into doing something. Exercise, hobbies, something other that just sitting around worrying or just looking for work. Hold his hand, rub his back, kiss his forhead and remind him you are together for the long haul, no matter what because if he's a good man (and if his unemployment is bothering him this much, he probably is), this will make him feel a lot better. Sex will come anyway when HE feels comfortable enough with himself.

[elder1972]

I am very sorry to hear about this I to am in some relationship problems. As a man I guess you go one way or the other with your sexual pleasure. It is either or here not anything in the middle. So it sounds like your husband is the later menaing when he feels he isn't a good provider etc he doesn't deserve the pleasure in making love to you. Some of my friends have gone through this. I am the opposite the more stressed out and or do not feel like I am good enough it is all I want to do is have sex to get the other stuff of my mind. Now what I feel you need to do is do everything as a team and I mean everything from cooking to cleaning to looking for a job. Reinforce you are a team on every level. Getting angry or pouting about this will only make him go deeper in his own self pitty. Work gives you structure ya know you both being home the structure has been compromised so bring back structure. You both sould be up by 7AM just like you would if you both had jobs. Eat breakfast together then get online together to look for jobs. DO everything structured like it is a normal work week....the sex will come with structure and openess. I hope this helps just my 2 cents....

 

Craig

[goingcrazy03]

I want to thank everyone who left me advice. The one person who said give it six months, well ive given it a little over a year now. And i have no problem with him "doing it himself" i know that is a guy thing and that will never change. I just can't help but to be sad/upset, angry, hurt etc. He is king of empty promises. I dont want to beg for it, that makes me feel more unwanted. I have changed the things that he asked, he would always say "if you care about us and love us, you would change these things about yourself to make things better" which i have, but of course he hasn't changed the ONE thing that i have begged and pleaded. Sometimes its hard to believe he does actually love and care about me. When he says he still wants me and is attracted to me, i find myself doubted it all the time, cause if that was the truth he would do something about it. And yes i do agree the depression and job loss can take a toll on a man, takes a toll on women too. But to me you aren't making everything better when there is NO intimacy in a realtionship. Then he gets mad and angry at me when i'm upset, and i ask him questions or as he says it "bustin' his balls". It just hurts, and its getting worse way before it's gotten any better. I have told him i'm going to take care of myself right next to him in bed ( of course i said that hoping he would do something about it) but he hasn't. So screw it, if i have to watch porn, take care of myself right in front of him, i will. He needs to see and understand what he is emotionally doing to me, and how bad it hurts.

[The Midnight Rider]

I want to thank everyone who left me advice. The one person who said give it six months, well ive given it a little over a year now. And i have no problem with him "doing it himself" i know that is a guy thing and that will never change. I just can't help but to be sad/upset, angry, hurt etc. He is king of empty promises. I dont want to beg for it, that makes me feel more unwanted. I have changed the things that he asked, he would always say "if you care about us and love us, you would change these things about yourself to make things better" which i have, but of course he hasn't changed the ONE thing that i have begged and pleaded. Sometimes its hard to believe he does actually love and care about me. When he says he still wants me and is attracted to me, i find myself doubted it all the time, cause if that was the truth he would do something about it. And yes i do agree the depression and job loss can take a toll on a man, takes a toll on women too. But to me you aren't making everything better when there is NO intimacy in a realtionship. Then he gets mad and angry at me when i'm upset, and i ask him questions or as he says it "bustin' his balls". It just hurts, and its getting worse way before it's gotten any better. I have told him i'm going to take care of myself right next to him in bed ( of course i said that hoping he would do something about it) but he hasn't. So screw it, if i have to watch porn, take care of myself right in front of him, i will. He needs to see and understand what he is emotionally doing to me, and how bad it hurts.

 

Most of the men who post here understand your hurt. It sucks when the person you want only wants you conditionally. Your husband needs counseling. Note that I didn't say you did. Your husband is far along in his pain. Like I said in my earlier post, when a man does nothing, he IS nothing. When a man feels like he's nothing, he's got nothing to lose. A man with nothing to lose is dangerous not just to you, but to himself and his relationships. Bring up counseling to him VERY gingerly and give him a very wide birth. Sharing your anger with him only puts more pressure on him to perform something that is very hard to do. BTW, when he tells you to change this or that, that's bull****. It's a smokescreen to buy him some time to make things right.

 

Do you remember when you both stood across from each other in some church somewhere and promised some stuff in sickness and heath, better or for worse, sickness and in health til death do you part? Welcome to the worse part. I hope he finds a job and unscrews himself before he screws up something really good.

[reddog63]

I find it interesting that answers to the OP post are so different then if it is a man posting a no sex thread.

 

If it was a man posting this, then there must be something he is not doing, or he is pressuring the woman to much, blah blah blah.......

 

I think we need to cut through all the crap.........if a need is not being met, you run the risk of your marriage ending.........

 

I would not blame the OP to get fed up at some point and leave. How on earth can you expect a spouse to go without sex.

 

But that goes both ways!!

[hopeful1980]

I find it interesting that answers to the OP post are so different then if it is a man posting a no sex thread.

 

If it was a man posting this, then there must be something he is not doing, or he is pressuring the woman to much, blah blah blah.......

 

I think we need to cut through all the crap.........if a need is not being met, you run the risk of your marriage ending.........

 

I would not blame the OP to get fed up at some point and leave. How on earth can you expect a spouse to go without sex.

 

But that goes both ways!!

 

Men and women aren't the same so you can't give a general answer when it comes to these problems. The motives a man has for not wanting sex probably aren't the same for a woman. I suspect people are giving advice using that premise.

[goingcrazy03]

So everyone, the saga continues. I woke up this morning, feeling overwhelmed, stressed, sad, pissed, angry etc. And all those feelings (even though there was a ton of things at that moment which caused it them) mad me think of one thing, how again for another day/night i did not get any. So I snapped, i tried to talk myself out of it but i wasn't strong enough. I never say bad things, I tell him how i feel and how he is hurting me in so many ways by not having sex, and i ask the same questions that i have a million times and he gets pissed of course cause he says hes answered those questions a million times. Pretty much now it comes down to when he starts drinking his vodka tonics at night, and he gets a "buz" and is relaxed watching tv getting ready to go to bed, he would rather fall asleep with his "buz" then have sex. But during this time he tells himself he will have sex with me the next night. Its not that he doesnt want it or isn't attracted to me, its pretty much his "buz" is more important. Oh, and i go to bed around 12am (i get up at 630am) while he will stay up till 3am and get up at 10. So now he is saying i need to try to tell him to put down the drink and come to bed and try to "get some" from him. After this whole speech i honestly and truly wanted to pack my things no matter how much i still love, care, and want this man. How on earth do i deal with this? You would think he was a true all day long alcoholic, but far from it. He has a couple of drinks (2-3 small coctail glasses) a night. And no i'm not making excuses, but dam, i can have three glasses of wine and I'm even more ready to hit the sack right after. anyways the days go on, and still NO LOVE in the bedroom. I don't know how much longer I can hang on.....

[The Midnight Rider]

So everyone, the saga continues. I woke up this morning, feeling overwhelmed, stressed, sad, pissed, angry etc. And all those feelings (even though there was a ton of things at that moment which caused it them) mad me think of one thing, how again for another day/night i did not get any. So I snapped, i tried to talk myself out of it but i wasn't strong enough. I never say bad things, I tell him how i feel and how he is hurting me in so many ways by not having sex, and i ask the same questions that i have a million times and he gets pissed of course cause he says hes answered those questions a million times. Pretty much now it comes down to when he starts drinking his vodka tonics at night, and he gets a "buz" and is relaxed watching tv getting ready to go to bed, he would rather fall asleep with his "buz" then have sex. But during this time he tells himself he will have sex with me the next night. Its not that he doesnt want it or isn't attracted to me, its pretty much his "buz" is more important. Oh, and i go to bed around 12am (i get up at 630am) while he will stay up till 3am and get up at 10. So now he is saying i need to try to tell him to put down the drink and come to bed and try to "get some" from him. After this whole speech i honestly and truly wanted to pack my things no matter how much i still love, care, and want this man. How on earth do i deal with this? You would think he was a true all day long alcoholic, but far from it. He has a couple of drinks (2-3 small coctail glasses) a night. And no i'm not making excuses, but dam, i can have three glasses of wine and I'm even more ready to hit the sack right after. anyways the days go on, and still NO LOVE in the bedroom. I don't know how much longer I can hang on.....

 

Alcohol changes the situation. How long has he been drinking like this? How much vodka does he have a day? Is he still looking for work? Is he spending more time drinking? Does he drink alone? Does his mood change suddenly? What did he do before he was laid off?

[Fallen Angel]

Alcohol changes the situation. How long has he been drinking like this? How much vodka does he have a day? Is he still looking for work? Is he spending more time drinking? Does he drink alone? Does his mood change suddenly? What did he do before he was laid off?

 

I agree that alcohol consumption does change the situation. Just a few drinks can be enough to create ED issues. (At least temporarily)

 

But I will say OP, that you have been given some very good advice on here as to what we outsiders see as possible reasons and possible solutions.

 

In my opinion, arguing and fighting with him about the situation will do nothing but make it worse! I think he is already feeling "less than" because he is out of work, and doesn't feel as though he is living up to the expectation that he "take care" of you finacially. Then when that causes a lack of confidence in him that leads to sexual disfunction, rather than being understood he now feels attacked because he can't perform sexually. Add alcohol to the mix, and it is no wonder there is nothing going on in the bedroom!

 

I stand by my original advice, do everything you can to make him FEEL LIKE A MAN! Compliment his masculine qualities, boost his ego, behave towards him as if he is the only man in the world in your eyes. Pamper him, gently ask him to do "man chores" and be sure to thank him and tell him how glad you are to have him when he does what you asked. I really believe all he needs is non-sexual affection and admiration from you to build back his confidence, and then your bedroom will become a playroom again. (This has worked with every man who I have ever been involved with except my xH, who was a drug addict/alcoholic/serial cheater... and he couldn't even perform in bed with his many mistresses)

 

Good luck, don't give up.

[mem11363]

Hmmm

 

Lets see he lost his job which I agree hurts. And I also agree with MRider it can hurt a man badly.

 

His response is to turn to drink and totally/harshly neglect his partner for a year - and the advice is to kiss his ass more. NFW. He needs to man up. If he loves drink more then you - do not stay with him. That is classic drug/alcoholic behavior.

 

And you are an alky if your drinking screws up your life. In this case it is destroying his marriage. So yes - that make him an alky by the strict definition.

 

 

 

I agree that alcohol consumption does change the situation. Just a few drinks can be enough to create ED issues. (At least temporarily)

 

But I will say OP, that you have been given some very good advice on here as to what we outsiders see as possible reasons and possible solutions.

 

In my opinion, arguing and fighting with him about the situation will do nothing but make it worse! I think he is already feeling "less than" because he is out of work, and doesn't feel as though he is living up to the expectation that he "take care" of you finacially. Then when that causes a lack of confidence in him that leads to sexual disfunction, rather than being understood he now feels attacked because he can't perform sexually. Add alcohol to the mix, and it is no wonder there is nothing going on in the bedroom!

 

I stand by my original advice, do everything you can to make him FEEL LIKE A MAN! Compliment his masculine qualities, boost his ego, behave towards him as if he is the only man in the world in your eyes. Pamper him, gently ask him to do "man chores" and be sure to thank him and tell him how glad you are to have him when he does what you asked. I really believe all he needs is non-sexual affection and admiration from you to build back his confidence, and then your bedroom will become a playroom again. (This has worked with every man who I have ever been involved with except my xH, who was a drug addict/alcoholic/serial cheater... and he couldn't even perform in bed with his many mistresses)

 

Good luck, don't give up.

[mark982]

have you tried just out,and out just jumping his bones? just ripping his clothes off and going at it? after so long he just might be embaressed about it,could be he's the type that likes his woman to be the more dominate one when it comes to sex.