Why Can't I Get/Stay Angry?

[Phedre]

Hey Guys,

 

So a mini update - my stbx finally moved out of the apartment we shared in another state (I had moved out and back home a month ago) and is now living in the same town as me as that is where he is stationed now by the military. He dropped all my stuff from the apartment off yesterday (I managed to not cry infront of him and did not hug or touch him in anyway!), I got a new cell phone number (which I did not give to him) and told him to email me or call my parents house if he needs to get ahold of me. So really all that is left is the signing of various legal documents, none of which has to be done at the same time/same room. So moving right along in that department.

 

My issue is, I can not seem to get mad or maintain any anger at him. The problem with this is that when I have no anger I am very vulnerable to him bring nice to me and responding in kind. For example, he called a bit earlier asking me about a financial question with the (for now until the temporary agreement is in place) Joint checking account. It ended up being about a 10 minute conversation where he told me about rearranging his room, a random story about work and some tasks he wanted to accomplish today. He wasn't being overly sweet or anything, but he was being 'normal', like it was totally a conversation we could have had while married. And when he is acting 'normal' it makes me automatically fall in to being 'normal' and showing interesting in what he is saying/offering suggestions on things, etc. No calling each other pet names or I love yous, just 'well ttyl'. He wants to be friends, but I just don't think it is possible. Maybe after a long time of NC, and we have both dated other people, but by that time, what is the point of even being friends? We can't 'go back' to being frinds, as we were never friends prior to dating. All of our 'best friend' feelings are directly tied in with/as a result from dating/marriage. And what good is a friend that you can only share half your life with because you know talking about your new girlfriend will upset them?

 

I try to remind myself of all of the ****ty things he has done (the cheating multiple times, the lying, going on a date while married, the manipulating, the using, the general crappiness that was our marriage) and logically I can think 'someone that acts like he does/has those personality traits isn't someone I would want to be friends with'.. and think he doesn't deserve my friendship. He decided he was done trying to fix his issues and wanted out. Our divorce is amicable in the sense we both agree it is for the best, but not in the sense that we both *want* it. I can get mad when disucssing with a friend the ridiculously horrible things stbx did, but I can't stay mad for any longer than the conversation! It seems like my brain doesn't fully absorb the information, or wouldn't I be able to get and stay mad? I got mad when the phone bill was over and upon investiagation/asking him, found out it because he has been spending multiple hours on the phone at night with a girl. Makes me mad. And yet, when he dropped off my stuff last night, I couldn't be mad. Just sad.

 

I WANT my anger. I want to be able to clearly see who he is and help keept myself from falling back in to old 'everything is fine' patterns. I just wish i could never talk to or see him again, but with a town the size of ours, it is inevitable I'll see him at the grocery or bank. And sure, I can be cordgial... but I also end up being NICE to someone who doesn't deserve it and most likely only wants to be friends to help him feel less guilty.

 

Any ideas on why I can't seem to get mad enough, or absorb what he has done enough to help myself keep things strictly indifferent?

 

Thanks so much guys and gals Y'all do not even realize just how much of a total blessing and help the LS has been. Certainly has saved my sanity more than once.

[mickleb]

I hope this is because you are doing what I was / am? doing, which is flip-flopping on the outskirts of anger.

 

I don't like it, either. One bit. MUCH happier in anger. You have so many more reasons to be angry, too.

 

Is it acceptance? (I think I was trying to leapfrog this and wobbled near forgiveness, what was I thinking?) To accept it, you need to accept the whole picture. The good and the bad? Is that right? (I'm not an expert.) I think we all struggle with matching the bad behaviour with the person we loved.

 

I understand why you are worried. I would be! He is a lying, cheating rat-bag. The definition it.

 

I think you have to minimise your contact with him. No more chats about nothing. You are still healing and it's not fair on your heart. You can look forward to the day when you don't give a sh*t. That day will come and you won't especially care if you bump into him at the bank but, that's not quite today. x

[TheLoneSock]

Part of the healing process is that fluctuation between sadness, anger and indifference. You won't ever get to the point where you feel nothing but constant anger, even though anger is the easiest of the feelings to feel.

 

As for his demeanor and carefree attitude about the whole situation, you have to cut him off. It looks like you're well on your way to enabling that, but just keep your foot down. Any contact is going to do you much more harm than it will him. Keep him at a distance, when you can. Until the paperwork is all completely done you won't have that luxury- it's immature to expect no contact what so ever when important things like that are not finished yet. You do however have the right to cut him off when he wants to talk about anything other than the divorce.

 

If it's not pertinent to expediting the whole divorce process, then it's garbage- cut it off. After all is finished, you will be able to cut him off completely, or however your discression leads you.

[lol_funny]

I don't know if anger is something you should aspire to feel.

 

I have been angry at my ex for a long time (I wanted to write her an angry email today) and it is horrible. It can consume you to the point where you become motivated by revenge, this is the very opposite of moving on. If you are angry at someone, your thoughts are still directed at them. In my opinion it is just as bad as missing someone. What they did eats away at you and you seek some sort of redemption or justice that never seems to come. It can be a huge stumbling block.

 

Martin Luther King said: 'Let no man pull you low enough to hate him'.

 

By not being angry at him, you are showing him you are better than that. Your life, the way you were raised, your character... they are all BIGGER than him. He can not knock you out of you're reality. You are a calm and forgiving person, it's a lovely quality,but when someone crosses the line they are out. No drama, just goodbye. This is what you want to communicate with him.

 

(By the way i think the fact that you are so self-concious of not being angry at him will make it impossible for him to cross boundaries without you realising).

[Phedre]

Thank you so much Mickleb, LoneSock and Funny for responding to my post.

 

Mickleb, I think you on part of what I am feeling, even if maybe subconsiously - that it is hard to corelate the actions of my stbx of the actions of, the man I saw when we first got married. That part hurt me a lot yesterday when he dropped off the stuff- looking in to eyes that used to hold such love and warmth and instead seeing them cold and hard, and thinking 'you aren't the man I fell in love with'.. which makes the saddness feel even more like grief over the death of a loved one becuase in some ways, the him he used to be, is dead now.

 

LoneSock - You are 100% right that contact does me much more harm than it does him. It actually seems to be nothing but positive for him because it allows him to get rid of a small part of his guilt each time we can talk without fighting/me crying. And yes, you are right I need to communicate as little as possible and stay on topic and after the divorce is finalized then stop any contact whatsoever.

 

Funny - I appreciate the fact that you turned my lack of anger in to a positive trait thanks:love: And I VERY much hope that you are right in the thinking that my sensetivity towards wanting to feel a way I don't will also make me more sensetive to any potential boundary crossing. And you are right, I don't want to hate him. I want him to be happy, I want him to find the love and peace and happiness he is looking for. I just don't want to be that soft spot he goes to land when other relations fizzle out for him. And you are totally right about what I want to convey - I don't want to convey hate as hate implies a connection still.. I just want it to be like 'well, take care. see ya..never'

 

It is difficult when you have spent a lot of time in an unhealthy cycle of 'forgiving/giving another chance' to someone so maintain that 'do not cross' line when before you always took it down at the slightest inlincation of an attempt at correction/reconciliation. I'd like the anger so that it didn't hurt so much that he didn't keep a single one of our wedding photos or other photos of us, just packed them all up and dropped them off to me. I'd like the anger so I could use that as motivation to be productive, start making new goals for myself, I'd like to be angry so I didn't have dreams where he comes back to me a 'changed man'... but if I can't have anger, I guess I'll have to settle for realism. No matter what I do (or don't) feel, we can never be together again, period. At least I know the pain of seperation will fade, as it already has so much in the past 2 weeks.

 

Thank you all again. Means a lot to me