make lemonade Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Every single night where I dont hear from him, I convince myself that the reason I've not heard is because this is the night, that this is when he will tell her and leave. I go through every emotion, up up up, down down down and somewhere in between. Then of course, the next day dawns and nothing has changed..... Has anyone else done this? Im so sick of doing this to myself!
skywriter Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Hi Make lemonade, No, I don't do this to myself. I think we all have different versions of our "roller coaster rides". Different ways of tormenting ourselves over A's, that is. I am sorry for what you are going through as I realise that whatever you do to yourself is equally tormenting as what I have done to myself. I don't have to tell you how self tormenting it is. So I can tell you that what I do to myself on a regular basis is, I ask myself, "Why do I do this to myself"? ....and ..."Why do I allow anyone else to do these things to me"? I have been on LC with this MM that I've been involved with and believe me, it helps to rationalise our situation. This way I get to sit back and take a good hard look at the reality of it all and ask myself, this and many other questions. Please consider whatever it is that you have to do in your situation to improve your life for you and to see the reality of what you are involved in. peace....
tami-chan Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Every single night where I dont hear from him, I convince myself that the reason I've not heard is because this is the night, that this is when he will tell her and leave. I go through every emotion, up up up, down down down and somewhere in between. Then of course, the next day dawns and nothing has changed..... Has anyone else done this? Im so sick of doing this to myself! Welcome to LS, make lemonade! To answer your question, no I have not done this. I have, however, asked myself many times, what was it about this MM that I am attracted to that I couldn't find in single men? I still have yet to find an answer-probably because there is none! The previous poster above asks these questions: "Why do I do this to myself"? ....and ..."Why do I allow anyone else to do these things to me"? Perhaps answering those questions will allow you to do something about yourself and thus(hopefully) free yourself from this torment, this roller coaster... Keep posting. Many people have been where you are now ( and many are going through the same) and have great insights... we can all use a "shoulder" to lean on. Sorry for your pain.
Fallen Angel Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Every single night where I dont hear from him, I convince myself that the reason I've not heard is because this is the night, that this is when he will tell her and leave. I go through every emotion, up up up, down down down and somewhere in between. Then of course, the next day dawns and nothing has changed..... Has anyone else done this? Im so sick of doing this to myself! I tend to swing the complete opposite direction, if I do not hear from him (which is so rare!) I think, "Wow, this is it! This is the night he decided that WE are done." Then I go through this roller coaster of heartache and relief, and then I wake up the next morning to find nothing has changed, there are voice mails, and offlines, and emails asking why I didn't call him.... The hardest part about these relationships is the not knowing. I could learn to live with a goodbye, but it is all the hanging on that tears me apart. His fence sitting sucks! ME accepting him sitting on that fence, sucks even worse! Which is why I am here, trying to work on me! I am trying to get strong enough to push his a$$ back over on her side of the fence and electrify that sucker before he can crawl back up on it!
claire28 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 The hardest part about these relationships is the not knowing. I could learn to live with a goodbye, but it is all the hanging on that tears me apart. His fence sitting sucks! ME accepting him sitting on that fence, sucks even worse! Which is why I am here, trying to work on me! I am trying to get strong enough to push his a$$ back over on her side of the fence and electrify that sucker before he can crawl back up on it! Am in exactly same boat Fallen Angel. Ripping myself apart in the process and very very scared of losing all hope when he still insists he wants to be with me, he just has to sort x,y,z etc first. I can see my life has become one long ritual of waiting and feeling sick everytime he goes home to her until he leaves for work or to me and its not doing me or my kids any good whatsoever. Have to get past the just one more time, maybe this time he'll want to stay thing in my head.
lyadm Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I am really sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know that in this situation not "really knowing" is very painful, but do you not really know or do you and you are hoping for something else. I know that may seem kind of confusing, but what I am wanting you to ask yourself is do you really believe what he tells you and do you really believe he is going to end it, or is he just using the realationship between the two of you to fill in some kind of gap or produce a thrill in his life? That is something that only you can answer. Everyone could make an assumption, but there is no gurantee that it will be right. I am not saying anything is right or wrong, because I know in my life things have not been exactly as society says they should be, but I can tell you my experience and like I said, I am not taking sides but it may help you some...depending upon the real reasons for his actions. I am a MW who had a friend who turned into someone I loved dearly. I have not spoken to him in almost a year, and every day is the same. I wake up and think about him and I go to sleep at night wondering how he is. The situations in my life at the time we began becoming really close were horrible, but he was a point of Hope in my life, and a source of strength....just because he was there for me in a way no one ever had been. I was not using him, I was and still am very much in love with him, but he lost his faith in me and told me I was just using him becuase I did not divorce as fast as he thought I should. The truth is... I was doing what I had to do. There was nothing more that I wanted than to be able for the two of us to have a life together that we both knew we wanted. Now...before someone jumps me I am not taking the MM's side, I am just saying in some situations it can seem much different than it really is. On the other hand maybe he is not sincere, and you should move on. I don't know, no one knows, except the two of you. It is possible that there are things that have to be done and that he does have very true feelings for you. Just try and be honest with yourself, and let the future take care of its self. I hope that helps you...
NowhereToHide Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Every single night where I dont hear from him, I convince myself that the reason I've not heard is because this is the night, that this is when he will tell her and leave. I go through every emotion, up up up, down down down and somewhere in between. Then of course, the next day dawns and nothing has changed..... Has anyone else done this? Im so sick of doing this to myself! Since I'm married, too, it was the opposite for me. I used to worry that his W found out and I'd worry that my H would be getting a call.
NoIDidn't Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Not a current (or even recent) OW, but it sounds like this is something that the two of you have been talking about. I would swing more towards what Fallen has said because if he did tell her, I'd think you'd hear from him sooner rather than later.
Lauriebell82 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Every single night where I dont hear from him, I convince myself that the reason I've not heard is because this is the night, that this is when he will tell her and leave. I go through every emotion, up up up, down down down and somewhere in between. Then of course, the next day dawns and nothing has changed..... Has anyone else done this? Im so sick of doing this to myself! I'm not an OW, but I think that you tell yourself that in order to justify staying in your A...it makes sense, you have to have SOME reason to continue to do it. It's good you can acknowledge the cycle though. A question though: if this cycle continues why do you continue to do it?
ladydesigner Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I wake up and think about him and I go to sleep at night wondering how he is. The situations in my life at the time we began becoming really close were horrible, but he was a point of Hope in my life, and a source of strength....just because he was there for me in a way no one ever had been. I was not using him, I was and still am very much in love with him, but he lost his faith in me lyadm you took the words right out of my mouth I hope your soul and my soul can one day find peace (((lyadm)))
Saevitia Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I can relate completely to the original post, and I remember having the same ups and downs throughout the course of the latter stages of my relationship with my MM. While I don't want to give false hope, because I've seen so much pain expressed elsewhere on this site, we're still together, he has left his wife, and is now living with me - and has been living with me for 8 months. My MM did, however, always explain as soon as he possibly could that he couldn't contact me after a certain time because it made a horrendous situation at home worse, and often it was the product of the fact they were arguing continually. I remember crying every night, because I didn't understand why communication would suddenly be cut without explanation, and I remember feeling lost and broken and confused by it all. I would say though, he always gave me hope, and almost treated me with utmost respect and honesty. If your MM isn't doing that, then you need to tread carefully and ask him to talk to you about what's going on that means he can't contact you. You also need to think about whether any part of your relationship with your MM is purely physical to either of you, or whether it's truely emotional on all levels between you. For example, it took us six months of dancing around each other before either of us acknowledged we had strong feelings for one another. It took another three months before it became physical - and our relationship was always emotional before it was physical. Thereafter, it took three months before he left his wife. While technically I'm still the OW and he's still a MM, given he isn't yet divorced, I wouldn't change all of the emotional ups and downs for the love we share now. That said, please don't think that if he does leave things will be simple. The divorce is presently horrendous, his STBX is abusive and violent, and even now, 8 months on, I still find it hugely upset and challenging on many levels. Even if your MM is like mine, it doesn't instantly mean your life will be the dream you hope it will be - it takes a very long time for that to happen, but it can happen. It will, however, only happen if he truly loves you and wants to commit to you. While he might be torn by his commitments at home, you need to know where you stand, and you need to tell him that you won't wait forever. I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope your dreams come true, and your pain is easier in the future. If you would ever like to talk, then please do be in touch.
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