ricardotorero Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Hi Background: my partner had an affair starting about 2 years ago over a few months. It was with a man she worked with and took big steps forward at work related nights out. Now I have always been someone who believes men should not try to control their wifes/girlfriends as I believe it is fundementally wrong. She works some miles away so I did not have problem with her occasionally staying away overnight after a night out. However I know that my trust in her was thrown back in my face. Move forward 18 months after D day: she has started going out with friends/work again - twice in last 3 weeks, but no late finishes or staying overnight. She is obviously very aware of the situation as she offerred to send me a work email stating the reasons for going out, but to me this irrelevant as she always had "legitimate" reasons (excuses?) to be out during her affair. My thoughts are focusing on this now, in part due to the above, but also a very recent TV programme (in UK) about a contollong husband, and last night my partner's best friend (who knew about her affair) on the verge of splitting up with her husband due to her control of his "work-related" social life (the latest being she will not let him go on the Christmas night out). She obviously is aware of the dangers from her best friend's actions!!! So, I do not want to control my partner and will point blank refuse to do so, however she has shown an inability to control herself. There inevitabilly will be work related night out that involves her staying over (Christmas?) and I feel I cannot win this one. Ricardo ps (the other man has long gone from both work and her life, so it is not about him)
Fallen Angel Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 In my opinion there is nothing wrong with you being completely honest with her in relating your fears and concerns to her about this. She knows that she caused the fears by her past bad behaviours. Tell her that you have fears, and tell her whatever it is that you need from her to put those fears to rest. She OWES you that. It is not "controlling" her, it is self-protection. But before you sit down to talk about it, you should know what it is that you need from her to make you feel better about it so you can let her know what she can do to assuage your fears. Do you need to be invited to join her on her outtings? Do you need her to take a cab home rather than have an overnight? Do you need her to call you several times through the evening? What ever it is that you need, tell her. Honest communication of your anxiety and your needs to overcome that anxiety is not controlling. It is working on repairing the damage done by her past indiscretions. You gave her your trust willingly before and she broke the faith you had in her, now she should be more than happy to do the work required to earn back that trust. Good Luck!
Bryanp Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? She previously lied, screwed another man behind your back for months and put your health at risk for STD's. She now has begun to do the type of behavior that happened before. You state that she has an inability to control herself. Her actions indicate that deep down she has no respect for you. Why are you with this woman? If you do not respect yourself then who will? She knows that you will forgive her screwing another man behind your back for months so to her it makes sense for her to engage in activities that put her again at risk and hurt your feelings at the same thing. She sees you as a doormat. Surely you don't have to settle for something like this. Again if the roles were reversed I doubt she would accept such humiliation from you.
seibert253 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 What has she done in the last 18 months to regain your trust? Unless the answers are: 1. True remorse and acceptance for what's done 2. Recommitted to your marriage 3. Complete transparency on her part 4. Continued counseling as needed Then I think you have every right to feel concerned. You also need to address these to her. If you don't feel comfortable with her doing certain things, let her know. Obviously you haven't completely healed from this, and she's hasn't regained your full trust. She needs to know this. One way I've overcome this is my FWW and I have an agreement. And this works both ways for us. When one of us is "out with the guys" or "out with the girls", we will call or text to see how things are going. These calls our texts if not answered immediately will be answered in 5 minutes or less. One will text the other and let them know where we're going, and what the "plans" for the nite are. When we get to our destination, we will let the other know, and when we leave we will call or text. If there are changes or deviations, we keep each other informed. It's to the point where if my FWW is out, I never have to check up on her. She keeps me updated, and actually she will go so far as to text me about every hour to let me know things are OK. We do this out of respect for each other. I do it for her, just as she does it for me.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Ricardo ps (the other man has long gone from both work and her life, so it is not about him) Ricardo, your right... it's not your job to control her. However, she should be concerned enough with regaining your trust that she controls herself. Maybe that means she gives up some after work partying, or staying overnight... ect. In my opinion, if she cared about you at all, she would do these things without you asking for them. So, in my mind she doesn't care about you that much. Perhaps you should start looking for someone who can be faithful. Seriously, if you can't find someone better your a sad sorry sack, because almost anything is better than what your going through.
Author ricardotorero Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 I think a couple of the responses to my original mail, especially Byanp, have missed the point of the mail. It was not about the anger and betrayal of 18 months ago, as those were sentiments I felt then, but is about how I overcome and reconcile the 2 aspects as stated in the title of the mail. I do not to be in relationship where I have to control the life of my partner - this is not me, yet I also have to trust her if we are ever going to get nearer normality and at some point this will involve giving her more freedom. In direct reply to Bryanp; she has shown no sign of repeating the behaviour, or made any attempts at returning to those cirumstances. She is well aware that it doesn't go, but I am trying to get my head around this for my sake. Ricardo
seibert253 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Ricardo, I think this is much simpler than you think. I feel the same way. I do not want to be controlling or have to watch over my wife every minute of every day. But, I know that I'm still not completely over what she did, and I may never truly be fully healed. But my wife has gone above and beyond to regain my trust. Everything I mentioned earlier, and then some. With that, she's regained most of my trust, but not 100%. It may never get there. But she knows, there is no third chance. If she strays again, that's it, fineto, done. Work with her to regain that trust, then you do not need be controlling and so watchful. It's a process, it takes time. Longer for some.
boldjack Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 First off, OP you took her back, after she cheated, which I would NEVER do. so now I think that you have reached a dead end in this relationship. You don't want to be controlling, but you can't trust her to be self-controlled. You can't trust her ,because she has already proven to be untrustworthy. This is a no win situation for you and her, you should agree to separate amicably, now, because I'm betting that it will happen again. She must be totally committed to your relationship, and that requires her to be absolutely transparent with you at ALL times, not because YOU ask for it, but because she values you more than her nights out or anything else. There isn't much you can do, it's all up to her to prove herself to you that she has self-control and is now trustworthy. If you can't trust her , break up.
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