My recent break and my thoughts

[photobooth]

I have been captivated by your story. I am absolutely shocked at how similiar your story is to mine. PLEASE continue to give us updates on how the situation is panning out. Reading your posts is comforting to know there are others out there like me.

 

The love of my life cheated on me with an old flame, moved out of our apt, and then started dating him in a long distance relationship. Its only been a few weeks since our breakup, but she calls and texts me constantly to tell me she made a mistake (yet she stays with her new man in this new relationship)....SAME thing for me bro. I was actually getting ready to propose next month! I had been shopping around for engagement rings for a while and wanted the moment to be perfect. I know she was afraid of spending her life with me..she is 6 years younger than me. in any event, we are at a crucial point right now where she is realizing her mistakes and i try to play it cool as if her hurt doesnt bother me. id love to continue hearing your story

[lostmirthfulness]

Latest update:

 

I still wake up thinking about her and I still think about her throughout the day. I can't seem to shake the idea that the woman I dated for four years was trying to fit into something that she was not. Its hard to imagine that what she showed me of who she was, was not really who she was. You would think that in four years that would have surfaced.

 

Anyway, last night I went out with some friends. While out, I get a text message from her saying that she has shipped the thumb drive. I try not to see it as a personal insult that after four years, things have become so impersonal. I see no need to respond. A little bit later I get another text message from her saying "are you getting my messages?" - I chose not to respond to that either.

 

I had asked her if we could remain friends, but she went along with the new guy, and decided our four years were nothing to her, and her new boyfriend (who is a jerk) is more important. Her family went along with it as well, as I haven't heard anything from anyone in a couple of weeks. So, I sit here pretty much on my own. Less then two months ago, everything that I did or didn't do carried an issue with it. I should stop smoking, stop riding my motorcycle, spend more time with her, etc etc. Now it does not matter to her what I do at all? That is one hell of a shift.

 

I have decided, that I miss the relationship. I miss having that person to live for, I miss having that person that I felt lived for me. I do not miss HER though. She has shown me time and time again, that I can love somebody but I had picked the wrong somebody. For me to get past this and still face each day, I have to get to the point were I don't care about her anymore. Where I am living for me and happy doing so. I think the contact I do have with her from time to time, has not done anything good for me. It has made me hold on to something that is not shared.

 

At this point, yes I would love to hear from her and be able to be around her. But she has showed me time and time again, that I don't matter to her at all in the least. So I have to forget about her and move on, I have to remove any lingering hope I have in my mind of anything.

 

I have tried to get back into dating, but I realize that I am just replacing one dependency with another and that is not right, nor is it healthy. As much as my heart was into it when I was about to propose to her, it was for the wrong reasons. She was not the girl for me and she knew it, that is why she stopped me. I actually appreciate that fact, that she did not just go along with it.

 

Like I said, it is still a tough pill to swallow, that somebody could have been trying to be something for four years and I never REALLY noticed that. Or, perhaps I did and that is why, I never was pushed by my heart to propose in those four years.

[lostmirthfulness]

Fast forward to this morning:

 

So I am talking with a friend on the phone, when my phone starts beeping that there is another call incoming, I see that it is the ex and just hit ignore. After a bit, it beeps again that there is a voice mail.

 

So I listen to the voice mail and it goes something like this:

 

"Hi its me, I know I said being friends wouldn't work, just wanted to make sure your alrig... that your getting my messages about the phone bill. I know your working but I don' know when you are (she goes on to talk about the phone bill)... so call me or send me a text message, I am working tonight at four"

 

So the story about the phone bill is that I was added to her contract that she shares with her mum and sis. After I guess a couple days of dating the new guy, she sends me a message that shes going to have my line released so I can get my own contract or get on another account.

 

So I after listening to the message I deleted it. I have decided not to call her back at all. No contact and pushing her out of my mind is the only way I am going to be able to heal from this crap at all. Every time I have some sort of contact, so weak aspect of my brain kicks in and hope starts to build up.

 

Her message was aimed at business and does not require a reply at all. She is the one who decided not to have me in her life at all, so she can deal with consequences of her actions. To me, everything she has said or done after the "we talked and he thinks it wouldn't work to be friends" text message has been a half assed attempt at not being friends. She needs to take this **** seriously.

 

I am my own worst freaken enemy at this point. Unless I am completely occupied and even at times when I am occupied I constantly think about her. I think, perhaps she isn't really dating this guy, perhaps this has been something that she used to make me move on. I think of many situations that my mind makes up that would make taking her back some day a reality. But in the end I know I will never have her back and I need to move on for myself. Its the mind games that are played out in my head that aren't healthy.

 

Its been about a month and a half since she split us up,.. I have since been on 3 dates with 2 women. The first date, there just wasn't anything there. The other dates were with a really nice and sweet girl that I potentially could see myself falling for. The only problem is, I started thinking about things and thought to myself, would I just be replacing one dependancy with another? Would I be using this girl to occupy my time and fill in the gaps left by the ex?

 

So I sat the new girl down and told of my situation and that I wasn't ready to start dating yet, as I didn't think I could do so and be fair to her at the same time. She was a little taken back, but she came around and decided we would do the friend thing.

 

So I know, I am not ready to start dating yet. I have a long way to go personally. I think when I can be happy being by myself again, then I will start looking to date again. Until then, my ex really has ruined the last 4 years and some odd months of my life.

[Space Ritual]

WOW!

 

Well sir, you have had one crappy ride here over the past month or so. My deepest heartfelt sympathy.

 

Reading your thread here has brought back a ton of memories. Over 20 years ago I was 3 weeks away from my wedding and walked in on my fiance having sex in my bed with a friend of mine. Took me well over 15 years to be able to get to a point where I would allow someone to have my heart, only to find THE ONE....

 

And only to get cheated on again.

 

Although you are seemingly doing the right things, and as hard as it is, I really suggest that you stick as much as possible to NC at all. I know that the revelation of your EX dating the complete opposite of you is awful. In both cases with my relationships, the same thing happened.

Better with time??? My last breakup happened 17 months ago. I went complete NC. Only to get a text message at 2 in the morning from her a year later saying "I'm sorry I hurt you".

 

I know you have your bad and good days. But please do yourself a favor....

 

Delete her from your life and try as much as possible to make her insignificant. I know 4 years is a boatload of time to throw away, but that makes it even more important.

 

She texts you with non important stuff because she can. And she knows eventually you are going to respond. She is too proud to admit that the 4 years DID MEAN SOMETHING so this is her little game with you. She will remain in a minimum of contact with you...just enough to throw that carrot out to satisfy her own curiosity that indeed you are still thinking about her. Obviously if the new guy has demanded "no friendship" between you two and she is calling or texting you she is trying to see in her own mind if she is winning. So my advice to you is that you make her feel a symbolic consequence of this behavior by deleting her from your life and by taking time for yourself.

 

I know it sounds very cliche', but the easiest way to get past this is to make her insignificant (for the time being).

 

 

Personally I'd hedge a bet she will not be dating the new guy for very long. He is the Poster Boy for a Rebound relationship. But at any rate make it very difficult for her to just simply "have the scales fall from her eyes" when it does happen, because it will.

 

Best of luck

[lostmirthfulness]

Wow Space, thanks!

 

That pretty much sums up where I am with things. About 2 weeks ago now or so I did answer the phone after some pestering from her. I ended up tell her to f off and leave me alone.

 

I've since changed my number and I dwell on her less and less each day.

 

 

 

 

Monday Nov 23rd 2009

Today marks two months now since we broke up. It has been a journey for me. I’ve had my ups and my downs, defiantly more downs then ups. You really have to live life though regardless of what has happened. You can’t allow yourself to get beat up to much. You can’t allow yourself to not move on, to quit pushing forward and to hold onto what you don’t have.

I’ve had mixed emotions about the entire thing. It has been a huge slap in the face for me. I thought I had somebody who truly cared about me, after all she had said she always wanted me to marry her. I fail to see how that was the case, when not even three weeks after our split she is now dating somebody else. If she had wanted to marry me, then there should have been some down time, some morning involved, instead she is moving on completely happy in my absence.

She had told me on numerous occasions that she would never live with somebody unless she was married. These thoughts I took as her own. Well, I have my ways and come to find out that not even a month and a half after we had broken up that she is looking for a house for her and her new boyfriend to move into together. That goes against everything she had ever told me. Hell, dating this dude in the first place goes against everything she had shown to me of who she was. Perhaps she doesn’t really know who she is. Sure the dude is a decent guy for the most part. I never really had a problem with him. A couple years back we even went on a double date with him and his girlfriend at the time. When my ex had asked them how they met, he went on to say “well, I was jogging and she was the blonde with big tits.” This statement alone from one of my friends would have appalled my ex, whether their girlfriend was present at the time of the statement or not. The fact that his girlfriend was there when he said it, showed this dude to be a true pig. My ex at the time didn’t seem bothered by it though, and she obviously never was bothered about it, because she is now dating the guy. That to me speaks of being two-faced. She was trying to be something for me. She was trying to be the person she knew I desired. Once I was removed from the situation she went to being the person she truly was, which is nothing that I had ever desired. I think some how that I had caught onto that with her. Perhaps I had suspected that from her and that is why I never got to that “she is one” state of mind.

That doesn’t mean that I didn’t care for her or love her. I did, but I think I was in love with the persona she presented rather then the person she is. Everything I have ever told her about where I come from, my feelings on things and where I stand on issues has never changed. I am still the same person I was when she met me. I still carry the same values and adhere to them. Sure I matured in the four years and grew as a person, but the core value system is still intact.

I honestly wish the best for her and hope that she finds what she is looking for in life. I don’t think that this dude is healthy for her in anyway. She might get a lot of happiness for the time being from him, but I really think it will eventually end up biting her in the arse. I just hope that she hasn’t made a huge mistake at that time, like kids or marriage or a combination of the two.

The fact remains that in the two months we have been split up, my life has effected only one really big change and that is the fact that I lost her. Her life on the other hand has gone through three drastic changes. She got rid of me, she got involved with somebody else and she is looking to move in with that somebody else. That’s three drastic changes in very little time. Looking at it, I don’t see logical actions, I see somebody who is moving on impulse and not thinking critically. Even from this dudes point of view I see the same thing. I mean this is somebody who was her friend. Somebody she had apparently complained about me to. This dude started dating her somewhere around three weeks after we split up, it doesn’t show much thought on his part. I would never personally get involved with somebody that has just come out of a relationship where they had felt really hurt because the person they were in that relationship did not want to marry them. It is not a healthy start. I don’t think she knows what she wants.

[HLP234]

More truth came out recently that paints a more complete and finished picture.

 

It seems no more then 2-3 weeks after we split she started dating her "best friend". He was a guy that always rubbed me wrong. She insisted years ago, she would never date the guy "hes like a brother to me, that is gross". Well within two weeks after splitting from me she is dating him. So 2-3 weeks inside of dating him, I was told a friendship couldn't exist at all because he would said he would be bothered by me being a friend. That is completely understandable.

 

But this leaves me a little upset - I came to the conclusion that our relationship was not going anywhere and I am happy she ended it. We did buy a dog together shortly before the break. It was the type of dog she knew I had always wanted and we even named him the name I have always wanted. Her situation lends to allowing her to keep the dog better then mine does. Now because of the new dude I can never see my dog again, which I loved, like a child.

 

So this tells me that I was right in suspecting that she had feelings for him. Like I said, they could not have been dating for more then 3 weeks and she is already saying "I am happier then I have ever been" and at only 3 weeks into the new relationship, she is willing to toss out 4 years and two months of a friendship. Yes we were more, but we were friends first above all. To be that serious that quickly tells me one of two things:

 

She is psychotic - a new relationship so quickly with no down time can't be healthy.

 

or

 

She finally got what she wanted - which was a relationship with this guy.

 

 

 

I need to stress I am fine with the relationship ending. I never took it farther then dating - but I am sad I lost my best friend in all of this.

 

 

Yeh same exact situation here. Always said her best friend was like a brother and stuff like that. Little do I figure as soon as she is no longer 4 hours from me, she has some kind of feelings for this "best friend." Worst thing is, I don't even know the guy and its going off of what she is saying about him.

 

We are still together but on a break..I just have a feeling I will be as lonely and devastated as you guys are some time. I don't want to let her go so badly, but who knows what she is thinking. It's gonna hurt so much I can't even think about it, it already hurts now.

[lostmirthfulness]

HLP234 - honestly that sucks bro.

 

I think she is looking for a way out, but being to childish to just commit to it fully.

 

My best advice is to realize that shes not there 100% for you and to let it go. Make up your mind and move on.

[HLP234]

I just realized that I am not the same person I used to be when I met her. People change in the relationship but I think I became too serious and when I met her as friends I always made her laugh and made her feel so good.

 

I've been involved with so much stuff lately that I have lost myself. Hopefully I can explain this to her and maybe this is what she was looking for to see if I realized something or if I take some action other than asking her what she may want and doing it.

[lostmirthfulness]

December 3rd 2009

On Sep 25th 2009 I went to her house to talk with her about why she broke it off two days earlier. I sat on the couch across from her and wore my heart on my sleeve, she that knew I was getting to the point of asking for her hand in marriage. Before I could even get there, she cut me off saying "even if you asked me now, I would say no." These words burned a hole through my heart then and they still do today even though it’s a little more then two months after the fact.

 

Today I sit at work performing remedial tasks and thinking about the girl that walked away. Had she been as into me as she lead me to believe she was then I wouldn't be sitting here with these thoughts passing through my head. Instead I would have been engaged for a little over two months now. We would be working out the early planning stages of our wedding. I assume we would have probably had a spring wedding, perhaps April or May of 2010. Alas, she had shot me down.

 

She has moved on in record time. Even though she had always stated that she thought that she cared more for me then I did for her, she has somehow managed to prove the exact opposite. Her entire world is wrapped around the aspect of somebody new now. She now cares for that person and is completely happy with her life and she is completely content without hearing from a person just three months ago she wanted to marry. On the other hand there is me. I guess I never really felt convinced that she was completely into me. I guess I was right in those feelings, look at how this all ended up.

 

I've always managed to maintain a disconnect or sorts with people. I've kept my distance emotionally. When we first started dating, I took that approach to our relationship. I never fully expected it to go anywhere. After spending roughly a year with her, I began to think that she was not a person I had to worry about. She was true and genuine, or so I thought. I allowed myself to fall for the girl. I allowed myself to love that girl based on the person she presented herself to be. Everything she said, everything she did all brought me around to where I was and where I still am. Then in a VERY short time, she managed to become somebody completely different. Things she had told me for the last four years suddenly no longer applied. Things she told me in front of my sister no longer applied, now even my sister thinks she is a liar and was just trying to get what she wanted out of life, without any consideration of me.

 

Even with all things stated and everything that has happened, knowing that I got my ass handed to me by this thing called life, I can not make the disconnect that I need to. I maintain "no contact" with her, but I wonder and think about her each and every single day. I wonder how her day went, how her school is going, how her family is doing. When I wonder about those things, I also realize that there is now another guy in that picture with her. That stings like no other. Especially when I know that the new guy is nothing but trash. I don't say these things out of spite or anything else, but from personal experience with him and knowing the stuff he has said and who he is.

 

So I need to be able to make the disconnect eventually. I would be lying to myself if I said I can make it easily or quickly. Like I said, two months have passed and I still care about her greatly. I was honest when I said everything to her that I have ever said. She on the other hand was not honest. She blew me off like I was nothing. I am trying to make the disconnect, but I can not seem to get a handle on it.

Edited December 3, 2009 by lostmirthfulness
read-a-bil-ity

[j_cali_man]

Even with all things stated and everything that has happened, knowing that I got my ass handed to me by this thing called life, I can not make the disconnect that I need to. I maintain "no contact" with her, but I wonder and think about her each and every single day. I wonder how her day went, how her school is going, how her family is doing. When I wonder about those things, I also realize that there is now another guy in that picture with her. That stings like no other. Especially when I know that the new guy is nothing but trash. I don't say these things out of spite or anything else, but from personal experience with him and knowing the stuff he has said and who he is.

 

So I need to be able to make the disconnect eventually. I would be lying to myself if I said I can make it easily or quickly. Like I said, two months have passed and I still care about her greatly. I was honest when I said everything to her that I have ever said. She on the other hand was not honest. She blew me off like I was nothing. I am trying to make the disconnect, but I can not seem to get a handle on it.

 

 

Wow I could of written that. I'm a dude and those two paragraphs made my eyes water because I know how you feel. It stings like hell and me having a date next week with some other chick isn't helping. In fact I have NO desire to date and it wil be a very casual thing. She is in full swing with Mr. New and Flashy jackass player so go figure. I am just reading a ton and working hard to keep my focus that this shall pass and get better. Been to funerals that hurt LESS than this by a long shot.

 

J

[Defiant]

Even with all things stated and everything that has happened, knowing that I got my ass handed to me by this thing called life, I can not make the disconnect that I need to. I maintain "no contact" with her, but I wonder and think about her each and every single day. I wonder how her day went, how her school is going, how her family is doing. When I wonder about those things, I also realize that there is now another guy in that picture with her. That stings like no other. Especially when I know that the new guy is nothing but trash. I don't say these things out of spite or anything else, but from personal experience with him and knowing the stuff he has said and who he is.

 

So I need to be able to make the disconnect eventually. I would be lying to myself if I said I can make it easily or quickly. Like I said, two months have passed and I still care about her greatly. I was honest when I said everything to her that I have ever said. She on the other hand was not honest. She blew me off like I was nothing. I am trying to make the disconnect, but I can not seem to get a handle on it.

 

 

Wow I could of written that. I'm a dude and those two paragraphs made my eyes water because I know how you feel. It stings like hell and me having a date next week with some other chick isn't helping. In fact I have NO desire to date and it wil be a very casual thing. She is in full swing with Mr. New and Flashy jackass player so go figure. I am just reading a ton and working hard to keep my focus that this shall pass and get better. Been to funerals that hurt LESS than this by a long shot.

 

J

 

I could have written this also.....it really is a small world. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger my friends......but man is it a hard road to go down. There is light at the end of the tunnel though, and we will get there eventually. God bless

[puppydog]

I don't want to hijack your thread but you sounded like my ex and i just wanted your thoughts on my situation. How do I send you a PM or even an email.

[GrayClouds]

Hang in there lossmirth you really are doing quite well. focus on yourself making yourself better and keep being kind to yourself..

[lostmirthfulness]

I don't want to hijack your thread but you sounded like my ex and i just wanted your thoughts on my situation. How do I send you a PM or even an email.

 

Give me some specifics and I will do the best I can to try and help out.

[puppydog]

"I know that if she did come back and had changed her mind or started listening to her heart – the way I thought her heart was set – that things might not work out. It would be hard to regain trust, it would be hard to move forward, I would probably always have some lingering doubt. So in the end I know it is best that it is over"

 

--

Lostinmirthfulnesss if your ex had just stayed single instead of dating immediately...and after some time had realized she made a mistake in that she really did love you, would you have taken her back? Any feelings of betrayal/anger/bitterness/resentment that you may have felt as a result of her breaking up with you would have been super difficult to overcome, obviously. There was an incident in the past where he made me feel betrayed/trust was broken/anger/resentment so I know exactly what that feels like, but I still stayed with him and worked through it.

 

I know this is a difficult question to ask because it's a "what if" question, but I felt like I was hearing my ex's voice when I read your postings (you're not him don't worry lol).

 

Due to lots of miscommunication, he basically thinks that I didn't love him and that I can't picture myself marrying him. We were together almost 4 years too. He's a very stubborn - somewhat inflexible guy and didn't want to discuss anything afterwards. I had tried to talk to him and discuss things and try to clear up any misunderstandings but he basically said he can't trust my words anymore and cut me off. He went into immediate NC and hasn't contacted me at all. It's like I'm dead to him now.

 

We've had a couple one-day break ups in the past. (an example of one? For a month he took out his anger/frustration due to school/job searching out on me and treated me like crap. i got fed up one day. he begged for forgiveness and i took him back)

 

I wrote him an email 2 weeks ago telling him everything that I was thinking and most importantly why i wavered. I haven't gotten a response. Nothing. It was basically saying that I had been so insecure about his future intentions about our relationship. There had been a good amount of times where he said things to make me feel "not good enough" and for me this was the last straw. I wanted to get engaged earlier but he wanted to wait another 2-3 years to get married. I basically felt strung along. All his ducks were lined up. Why was he taking his time? I expressed that to him in the email. He had a job lined up after law school; he wanted to pay off his 60k loan and buy himself an expensive car before getting engaged. I felt that these monetary were excuses. Maybe he really was stringing me along....? Maybe he really did love me? I don't even know anymore.

 

It's been 1.5 months since we've broken up. 3 weeks since the last time we talked (I called him. 2 hr conversation) The reason why I want him back? I realized after some thought that even though we don't get married right away, I'm willing to wait however long it takes. I guess I'm worried that his feelings have changed/the ship has sailed. Under all that hurt can love still exist? Or is the distrust too much to overcome? I feel like he's just going to hang on to the hurt from when I broke it off with him. I came back 3 days later. He pretty much said no to trying again because "he can't trust me" and "he's scared to get hurt again". It sounded like what you wrote above.

 

Maybe I just need to let him go. I don't know anymore. Sigh.

Edited December 5, 2009 by puppydog

[GrayClouds]

 

Maybe I just need to let him go. I don't know anymore. Sigh.

 

 

Yes you do you just do not want to yet. Read the following it will help to move on:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

[lostmirthfulness]

puppydog,

 

"if your ex had just stayed single instead of dating immediately...and after some time had realized she made a mistake in that she really did love you, would you have taken her back?"

 

I would have, it would not have been the correct situation in the end, because look at who she is now, that is not somebody I would want to be with. Truth is, I would have taken her back though.

 

"Maybe I just need to let him go. I don't know anymore. Sigh."

 

It really sounds like he might be taking the position of; "If she was really into me, she would have stuck it out" - you say you want to marry the guy and have a long engagement (which is a good thing), but honestly it sounds like the guy is a little sketchy about marrying you. In my opinion, it sounds like he enjoys your company and does care about you, but at the same time realizes you two are not good for each other.

I miss my ex dearly - even though shes shown herself to be nothing of what I desired. Love is blind I guess.

[puppydog]

honestly it sounds like the guy is a little sketchy about marrying you. In my opinion, it sounds like he enjoys your company and does care about you, but at the same time realizes you two are not good for each other.

That's the funny thing, up until that point where I started questioning myself (and him) he was always talking about how he couldn't wait to marry me. His parents were asking him about grandchildren and my ex even brought up possible honeymoon locations, where we would live after getting married. Meh. Maybe you're right. He probably changed his mind somewhere along the line.

 

So the bottom line: If you love, you give back that openness and possibility for new beginnings. Since he does not love me anymore (or his feelings have changed) he will not be open to that.

 

Sigh.

[lostmirthfulness]

That's the funny thing, up until that point where I started questioning myself (and him) he was always talking about how he couldn't wait to marry me. His parents were asking him about grandchildren and my ex even brought up possible honeymoon locations, where we would live after getting married. Meh. Maybe you're right. He probably changed his mind somewhere along the line.

 

So the bottom line: If you love, you give back that openness and possibility for new beginnings. Since he does not love me anymore (or his feelings have changed) he will not be open to that.

 

Sigh.

 

My ex did the same thing. We talked about where to get married, who to invite, where the honeymoon would be, we had our kids names picked out, we decided whose income we could live off and whose we could bank. All that changed for her in a matter of a few days.

 

At this point - I wonder about my ex, say for instance if things go south with the new guy (which it will end up happening, I am pretty sure), will she come back to me admitting she made a mistake? I think even if it the new dude and her break I think she has moved on in life. I was just a chapter and nothing else. I think she knows that the way she treated me at the end, was not right. Not that she considers that now, but if the new dude and her don't work I doubt she will ever consider getting in contact. She has completely closed that chapter. Her entire family has accepted that chapter being closed and they are all COMPLETELY behind the new one that has opened.

 

Which leads me to my point - I am glad things happened that happened. Yes, I have had a terrible time about everything, but with this potential laying under the surface, it would have surfaced sooner or later.

 

She has accepted her new life - I need to manage to do the same. I can't force anything, but I can work towards things.

[puppydog]

Funny how it all turned out. For me it's not over, but it appears for him that it is over. It seems like he closed this chapter on his life faster than I did. I wonder how long it's going to take me to move on completely.

 

His last words to me was that I need to stop running away. That comment got me upset for awhile, but I've accepted it. I let his words get to me. I let him make me feel insecure, and ultimately at the end when he didn't propose/plan to get engaged, all the built up insecurity just popped to the surface. Maybe he was going to propose, maybe he wasn't. That's not important in the end. Ultimately because he was taking his sweet time, I wasn't sure whether he really loved me and would want me for the long run so I pushed him away. And he's super hurt/angry/resentful/feeling betrayed that I broke up with him.

 

Maybe this really is for the best.

[lostmirthfulness]

Funny how it all turned out. For me it's not over, but it appears for him that it is over. It seems like he closed this chapter on his life faster than I did. I wonder how long it's going to take me to move on completely.

 

His last words to me was that I need to stop running away. That comment got me upset for awhile, but I've accepted it. I let his words get to me. I let him make me feel insecure, and ultimately at the end when he didn't propose/plan to get engaged, all the built up insecurity just popped to the surface. Maybe he was going to propose, maybe he wasn't. That's not important in the end. Ultimately because he was taking his sweet time, I wasn't sure whether he really loved me and would want me for the long run so I pushed him away. And he's super hurt/angry/resentful/feeling betrayed that I broke up with him.

 

Maybe this really is for the best.

 

 

A lot of times I would think, or at least in my case. I never pushed marriage because I wanted to be set up. To me its the mans job to be able to provide for his family. I want my wife to have the option to work, I do not want it to be required for her. I don't have a decent paying job, but I had been looking really hard for one for a couple years now. I held off on the marriage thing for 2 reasons, one - I never really got that "shes the one" feeling, and two - I never was in the place to start a family that wouldn't be super burdened by financial issues.

 

I understand with true love, financial issues can be worked on. It also seems to me, with true love waiting for the person to come around can also be had. Truth is she didn't wait. Her parting excuses were "because you made me wait to long". Seriously? If it was love then waiting wouldn't have hurt anything. We were together still and she was in school.

[puppydog]

In the end, I think we were on different pages, as were you guys.

 

I was ready to give him the rest of my life, but I wasn't 100% sure he was going to give me that commitment. I mean granted I could have stuck around for another 2 years...but at the risk of getting dumped then? That would obviously suck. He told me countless times that "you are *the one*." Something smells really fishy. Haha.

 

I've been talking to a lot of my guy friends and I think there are two schools of thoughts on this whole "waiting" game.

 

1) You don't make a girl wait if you really love her and want to marry her.

2) If she loves you, she will wait for you however long it takes.

 

Honestly, I've given this guy almost 4 years of my life. I figure if he can't make up his mind/make a solid commitment (we're both in our late late 20's) then there's no point in waiting around. On the flip side, if he really wasn't sure about me, then he messed up by stringing me along, no? I expected him to be the man. Either step up and propose or cut me loose. He didn't do either so I had to break it off. I think 3.5/4 years is PLENTY of time. Granted our breakup was filled with miscommunication and a lot of hurt on both sides. Despite everything's he said and done, I have forgiven him. People tell me that my character flaw is that I forgive too easily. Maybe it is.

 

Most of my guys were saying that at a certain point, if they realize that marriage can't happen for a good several years, they will usually cut the girl loose or get engaged. It's not fair to make them wait without some sort of solid/visible commitment. I have had friends who have gotten married WHILE in grad school where both were surviving purely off of loans. I think being financially stable is a great plus, but life doesn't always work like that. Why wait to start the rest of your life with your loved one if you know that they're what you want 100%? Where there is a will, there is a way. People have gotten married with very little and built up to something great. I totally wouldn't have minded struggling a bit in the beginning. Obviously he and I were of a different mindset.

 

I'd like to think that in the end I made the right decision for the both of us. In my last email, I apologized for not being able to wait around any more and wished him happiness in the future (along with pretty much the gist of what I've been writing with you mirth).

 

I would give anything to be with him right now, but at the same time, I need to respect myself too. Waiting around is not respecting myself. If he really wants me back, he knows where I am. I just hope he comes back before I fully move on and start dating again. I loved him so much it's going to take awhile to get over him.

 

I don't know where all this confidence is coming from. I feel great today, but tomorrow I'm probably going to be crying into my pillow. lol.

[lostmirthfulness]

Interesting although there are some commonalities between our breaks there are huge differences as well.

 

I was ready to give that lady everything she had said she wanted. When I got to that point she still managed to walk away. The only reason she walked then was because she found out that she didn't want those things from me. She wanted them from another person.

 

Trust me, I am still steaming mad for being strung along, but I let it happen. I chose to trust her when I shouldn't have. Now, I fear I maybe a cynic for life, which really stinks.

 

As far as waiting, we had talked many times and she gave the impression that she was fine with that. Sure marriage was brought up now and then but we always talked about it, and she never sat me down and talked to me saying "I can't go on, you don't understand that I need more commitment from you" - that would have been my wake up call of sorts. Once I got my wake up call, she was already grabbing onto the next branch.

 

Oh well.

[puppydog]

yeah, you're right. There are a lot of differences. I think in the best case scenario, my situation was the same as yours, except i didn't go date someone else. the worst case scenario? a completely different story.

 

what can we all do at this point but to move on...as hard as that may be.

[lostmirthfulness]

what can we all do at this point but to move on...as hard as that may be.

 

Agreed. Don't go looking to fill gaps either. Understand that you have to be able to be happy being single again. Being single always did kinda suck for me, but I am trying to stay busy and do stuff for me again rather on focusing on building a life with that girl.

 

It still escapes me how she was able to replace me completely and so fast. I understand that maybe her heart wasn't behind me, but unless she told lies to her friends and family, you'd think that somebody had to speak up and out to her. From what I can tell the entire family was accepting of this move on her part. Her family didn't dislike me at all either, in fact her family always was expecting us to get married.

 

Time to move on, find being happy again. Only then can we open ourselves completely to the idea of a new person for who they are as opposed to us just using them to fill gaps.