My recent break and my thoughts

[lostmirthfulness]

17 days have passed since she first broke it off. Only 3 have passed since I sent her the last email and was also the last time there was any sort of communication. I understand what she is doing is best. She finally looked at the relationship and looked at whether she truly loves me, and the answer was no. She perhaps truly thought she did, but in the end realized she didn’t love me. So I don’t blame her at all for ending it. It really does make sense. I just wish this had happened a long time ago. Not after four years and two months together. I might have been questioning her true devotion all along and that might have played a role in me never asking for her hand in marriage. If that was the case, then I was right in questioning that. True love can withstand this and maybe she discovered that as well and that’s why she ended it.

 

 

I am still feverishly checking my phone and secretly looking out the window at every passing car, hoping that she has changed her mind and learned of her mistake. I know it’s a said and done issue, but my heart longs for her. It doesn’t matter if it was real for her or not, it was real to me. I miss her so very deeply. I had to delete her number from my phone so I would quit pissing her off with text messages. I had to put away all the pictures of her. I, a man among men, cried a couple of times. I know that if she did come back and had changed her mind or started listening to her heart – the way I thought her heart was set – that things might not work out. It would be hard to regain trust, it would be hard to move forward, I would probably always have some lingering doubt. So in the end I know it is best that it is over, although there is not a bone in my body that doesn’t miss her and doesn’t want her back.

 

 

I have lost to death, relatives that I loved. In death there is something unquestionable about it. It’s a said and done deal for sure. You miss those people without a doubt. It feels like she has died to me. My heart aches for her, my skin weeps for her touch, my soul is crushed by her absence. Yet unlike in death, she is still out there, she is still around. All my pain could cease if she came back to me, but it won’t. I loved that which did not love me.

 

 

It feels like I am cheating on her when I sit and try to push her out of my mind. All I can do is try to keep myself busy, keep my mind occupied. This works for short moments of reprieve. Then I realize I am once again being dishonest to myself. I have no want to do anything, I have no want to go on. The one and only thing I want is beyond me to do anything about. I never imagined being heartbroken and I never listened to those that were. I can now relate.

 

 

Friends have taken me out to distract me, their intentions are good. I have even attempted to bring myself to talking with other ladies. They aren’t what I want, they do not even hold a candle to what I had. In my moments of trying to move on, I am painfully reminded over and over of what I have lost. With every ounce of me I know I need to move on, I know she is not coming back – with every strand of fiber in my soul I want to be united with the one I did love.

 

 

I have spent my nights on my knees in prayer. I have spent my night relentlessly trying to sleep, only to find sleep and then have a dream of her. In my dreams I hit the same wall, the wall that I never saw being built. I wake covered in sweat and then come to the realization that, it is more then a bad dream, more then my worst nightmare, it is reality. God I miss her.

 

I am tired of this self imposed asylum. I feel like everything I do is in vain. All of me wants to be chasing after the lady of my dreams. At the same time, realizing that the same lady of my dreams doesn’t want anything to do with me, kills me. It pains me to no end, that she is out there somewhere trying and doing her best to move on and forget me. I thought we were solid, I thought we saw eye to eye, I thought we could find rest and safety within each other. My thoughts betrayed me, the person I truthfully and lovingly called my other half has taken flight. A man among men is laying broken and helpless.

[tryagaintoday]

Hang in there, dude. You write well. It'll be a pity if you can't move on. Don't worry, time changes and heals everything including you.

[GrayClouds]

She perhaps truly thought she did, but in the end realized she didn’t love me. So I don’t blame her at all for ending it. It really does make sense. I just wish this had happened a long time ago. Not after four years and two months together.

 

Your being way to kind, it does not take 4 and a half years to decide if your in love. Unless over that time she communicated issues that you choose to ignore then there is reason to question her actions. That amount of investment in a relationship deserves a great deal of effort from all parties to work though the rough spots,

 

Good luck

[lostmirthfulness]

Your being way to kind, it does not take 4 and a half years to decide if your in love. Unless over that time she communicated issues that you choose to ignore then there is reason to question her actions. That amount of investment in a relationship deserves a great deal of effort from all parties to work though the rough spots,

 

Good luck

 

Agreed!

I think her issue was that she wanted more, in other aspects we stood completely side by side. She knew my focus through school was to get done with it and then find a job. Soon as I finished school the economy tanked a big one. We always talked, that if I managed to get a job in another location that we would get married and she would come with me.

She knew I was focused on finding a job to support the two of us, and I will be the first to admit that I neglected her to some degree, while I was searching hard for work.

 

The way I see if, the fact that she couldn't sit by and wait any longer tells me it wasn't meant to be. A married couple would encounter many more and larger problems then this. If true love was there, then this would have been less of an issue and communication lines wouldn't have been so bad at the end.

 

She perhaps questioned my true feelings in all of this. I admit that I had failed to answer those questions at times. When it came down to it and she had made her decision, I had just managed to slip out of the foggy haze I had existed in - so I presented her with all my feelings all my wishes and all my heart. She had looked at the relationship and for the first time really thought about it. She didn't feel bad about ending it, so when I was sitting there pouring my heart out, it fell on already made up ears.

 

I think this is the part which is making quitting her so hard. I still have hope, I still think a part of her loved me and I made some mistakes. That she will realize that she does miss me and breaking it off was hard, and the fact that all of my feelings were expressed at the end - perhaps given time she will reconsider. Or perhaps, she still believes her stance to be right, in which case it would be.

 

In all of this, I will be fine. I will survive, no matter how much it stinks, others have been here, others have lived through it all. I appreciate those on this board that come just to help us.

[lostmirthfulness]

The entire weekend was the hardest. No only was it time we normally spent together, it was time that I had nothing else to do. I think it is the hope that is killing, not the hope that she comes back, but rather the hope that she realizes that she did really love me. Which would lead to her coming back. She is not back though, so that tells me that her decision in her mind is the right one. It’s a hard thing to swallow, especially after all that lady had said to me.

 

 

The dreams were back last night. We were talking about the issues and she was actually talking to me. We got to a point where she had nothing to stand on, where there was only one plausible outcome. That’s when I woke up.

 

 

I fought last night with contacting her. I spent four years of hearing from her pretty much every single day. Knowing how she was doing how her day was going and confiding my troubles in her as well. With the fifth day of no contact what-so-ever the hardest part has been adjusting to being alone. I’ve sat here with the swine flu for the last six or seven days, confined to my home.

 

 

I feel like I should be chasing after her, fighting for ‘us’, we talked jokingly about if we ever broke up, we would fight. So I have no doubt in my mind she knows I want to fight. When I did try to fight, I hit complete and utter stoppage. I was pushing her away with trying to fight, so I quit. Now all I have is this pitiful sense of hope that she will come around. The hope is what is disabling. I sit here and try to reason, well if I leave her alone she will learn of her mistake. I also sit here and reason, that if I leave her alone she will continue to have that massive wall and will continue to build up defenses behind her, forever cementing the door shut. I guess if that’s the case, then that is best.

 

 

 

I can sit here and think rationally of this whole entire thing. I can understand that whatever happens is for the best, it just pains me to do so. I still keep having moments of shock when I re-realize that this just is not just some time to myself that I am taking away from her, I am truly away from the one I loved.

[lostmirthfulness]

Hope is what is killing me slowly. Every single time I leave the house even if for just a couple of minutes, as I come home there is a part of me that is expecting to see her car parked in front of my house. As I turn the corner and see that it isn't and she is still set in her head, a little bit of me dies every time.

 

I think this whole loving somebody that hasn't loved me thing, will leave me jaded. The picture of my life without her is starting to sink in. We even had our kids names picked out.

 

What has hurt the worst is realizing how much I spent building a life with her. How much of my life revolved around and depended on her. I still had my own stuff don't get me wrong I had my own things I enjoyed without her. I enjoyed those things because I was perfectly grounded in her.

 

Part of me wants to let her know how much I hurt part of me wants to cry out to her and scream, but alas I know that would not ease any of my pain.

 

I gave her all of my heart and got a cold shoulder in return.

[Exit]

Wow, your posts are about to make me cry. I've been spending all my effort trying to convince myself that all I lost was a worthless girl who didn't care about me, but it's all denial, what I really lost is the one I loved and wanted to be with.

 

I've been experiencing many of the same things you are for the last few months. I used to expect to see her car parked by my house every day when I got home from work, thinking she finally came to talk to me.

 

I did fight for her, for almost 5 months. At first there were phone calls and texts but eventually we settled into emailing each other as a kind of non-invasive way to stay in touch. She'd take her sweet time writing back to me, just to reject me again, and I'd immediately start working on my response and tried to get her to come back. And after seeing many people on this forum say things like "if an ex wanted you back, they'd be pounding down your door", I decided the emails weren't enough, and brought flowers to her house.

 

None of it worked. Eventually I just settled for asking her to please talk to me and help me get some closure, but she denied me that as well.

 

You are probably doing the right thing by not fighting for her. They all say they would want that if you ever broke up, but in reality, they probably don't want to be bothered once they've decided that they're done with you.

 

I know how you feel. It's been six months and some days I feel pretty convinced that I'm healing, but then I have days like today where it still hurts just as bad. I know I can never contact her again, but just before I was standing in the kitchen and I wished I could tell her that I still hurt just as much as I did the very first day after our breakup.

 

Your relationship was much longer than mine and I agree with the comments above that it would have been worth trying to save it, but some people just don't care.

[lostmirthfulness]

Yep that is the thing bro. They left us, no matter how much we didn't like that aspect. At first I tried my damnedest to fight it, but it got me no where. All I can do is sit back and hope for a change, but I know deep down that waiting will prove fruitless.

 

I had spent my time building a life with her, everything focused on her, now that she is gone, I am lost. I will get over this and get past this, its just a matter of time though.

 

That doesn't mean I don't want her back - I just know that talking to her won't change a DAMN thing.

[lostmirthfulness]

The pain is real, the pain is serious. I honestly don’t feel that she has the ability to comprehend the amount of damage that has been done, the amount of pain that she has inflicted. It is not just some bad or hurtful feelings. It is an utter and complete feeling of loss accompanied by a gruesome and loathsome backstabbing and betrayal. I know she would never have inflicted all this on me without purpose. The thing is, she continues on her way, blissfully ignorant of the destruction she left behind. Even though it hurts worse to imagine it, I hope for her sake that the weight behind these words and emotions behind these pathetic displays never sinks in.

 

Although it hurts in the worse type of way, I hope she can be happy. I hope she lives a very full and loving life. I hope she never gives up on finding God in her life. I hope she does know, she meant the world to her and I would have given her the world if I were able. I am glad I had the chance to know her. I have learned a lot and come a long way. I still have a long way to go, but I have experienced love.

 

I will still pray, I will still spend time on my knees begging that Gods will be done, but that somehow he finds pity on my poor and pathetic life and brings back to me that which lit it up, that which brought hope and comfort to me. The healing process will take months if not years, if not ever, but it is something that I must embark on alone. In times past, all hardships were easier because her grace was with me, but not this road, not this time. I will forever regretfully remember her beautiful smile and her loving heart.

 

Today I have cried my last tears. It is time to forever say good bye to the love of my life. Thank you ADH, my love.

[lostmirthfulness]

Saturday Oct 24th 2009

It has been an entire month and a day now since she got rid of me. I talked to her last week and tried to keep the conversation emotionless, but that’s a joke. I am not able to do that – I cared for her to much. I learned from talking with her, that she is hurting as well. It bothers me that she is hurting and I can’t do a damn thing to help her through it, it bothers me even more that the reason she is hurting is because of me. It’s weird to go from a relationship where you depend on somebody and that somebody depends on you for everything – to not even talking to the person. I guess she is stronger then me in that sense. I have been utterly destroyed.

I may never know all the reasons she has. When talking with her last week she threw out accusations of my short comings. I admitted to them all, I had made plenty of mistakes, so she has her reasons. From my stand point those reasons mean she should have set me down and told me we needed to have a serious conversation. She needed to tell me that I was slipping, that I was getting too caught up in what I was trying to do and loosing site of “us”. She would take the stance that she shouldn’t have had to do that, she shouldn’t have to sit me down and talk to me. Well that’s where I disagree. Relationships take work, they take effort, and nothing comes easy.

Instead of sitting me down and talking to me, she thought on her own. She formulated in her head that all the stuff I was doing or wasn’t doing was because I didn’t care about and love her. Then she came to the conclusion, that it was best to end the relationship because I did not share in her feelings towards me. I feel that was a mistake. I feel she thought it was best because in her head I wasn’t there with her. In reality all I needed was a wake up call and some re-adjustment. I think she also failed to realize why I had become so focused on what I was doing was because I was not happy in the state we were in. I wanted to move forward with her, but I didn’t think that I could be fair to her and move the relationship forward without having a decent job that would support the two of us. I also thought that with love she understood that we were headed somewhere that I was working to get us somewhere and that she would wait for me to come around.

I spent less time with her in the last couple months because I felt if I was not looking for work, I was trapping both of us in the same situation we were in. There were times when I left her place early so that I could look for work and I did, even if it was just twenty minutes on the computer filling out applications. In my mind, I got trapped and focused on being able to be a good husband, being able to give my lady all that I thought she deserved. I guess I am a romantic in that sense. I was looking forward to a future life with her and I couldn’t get certain things to fall into place, that I thought I needed. This lead to her leaving me.

Even though it has been a month, she is still in my head and on my heart every single day. I wake up thinking about her and I go to bed thinking about her. The middle of the day is the worst. I am keeping busy and searching for work and looking at furthering my education, but it all seems pointless, it seems helpless. The funk that I was in is now gone, I got my wake up call. I am doing everything she wanted me to do now, but I don’t have her.

She might have been focused on my recent short comings. It’s hard to think that she doesn’t realize that is was just a stage that I was in.

I am still the same caring, loving, respecting man that she loved a year ago. I am still the man that went with her to her Pap smear and physical and held her hand throughout the process. I am still the man that babied her when her wisdom teeth got pulled. I am still the man that held her hand when her blood was drawn and she almost fainted. I am still the man that wants to give her the world. I am still the man that cares about her spiritual welfare. I am still the man that went through hell a couple times with his own family to be able to be with her. I am still the man that looks at other women and just sees people and not somebody that I think I would like to get to know. I am still the man that gets disappointed with his current financial situation because he wants to do more for her. I am still the man that stood behind her in her school and her work, pushing her along and supporting her. I am still the man that heard her complaints and listened. I am still the man that disagreed with certain things but found it best to understand she is a different person and has her own thoughts towards things. I am still the man that cared about more then just her, the man that also cared for her family. I am still the man that told her that she was absolutely beautiful when she had her skin condition; no matter where her weight was and no matter how her hair looked. I am still the man that woke up each day and spent the day thinking about her. I am still the man that purchased a dog with her and did so expecting the two of us to raise him. I am still the man that bought the dog and paid for the puppy package and paid for the dog food because it made her happy even when I couldn’t afford it. I am still the man that even when I really didn’t want to do something, if she said she wanted me to do it, I would. I am still the man that was looking forward to growing old with her. I am still the man that she said she loved.

Yes, something started to slip. Like I said, I needed a wake up call. I didn’t need one of these proportions though. I needed her support and her love.

I am still the man that despite loosing somebody he TRULY loved, despite being met with nothing but failure in every endeavor in the last couple of years, despite all hardships encountered – I am the man that will continue to move forward. I will keep my faith that God has given me. I will continue to pray and ask for her return. I am also prepared to accept a life without her. Although it is not what I want in the least bit, I respect her wishes and I trust her with all my heart. If she never looks back, then with all the pain in the world, I respect that decision.

[Eisenhower]

Man, you just learned why NC is best - you just reinflamed a healing scar by hearing her verbalize things she's holding against you. You can't pray for her return AND try to move on. If you're truly going to move on, you need to not consider her coming back an option. It will only prolong your misery, trust me - I'm going through the same thing. The truth is, they moved on before they dumped us ... by now, they're way down the road. We have to be realistic about that and focus only on moving ourself forward. If somewhere down the road they come back in our life, we deal with it then as we think best. Only if we've truly moved on will we be in a position to handle that decision in the best way possible.

 

Good luck man, I know it's hard.

 

Eisenhower

[lostmirthfulness]

Actually the talking to her didn't make anything worse to be honest.

 

It kinda just pointed out to me, that she either made a big mistake, or she never had true love for me.

 

If the mistake is what broke us and kept us from being then we weren't meant to be. If she had no true love for me, then we weren't meant to be. Either way, at the end of the day, the best has happened. Yeah I miss her and would love for her to come back, but I wouldn't want her coming back just because of our history.

 

I am moving on slowly. I actually had a date with a very nice lady the other day. Don't think that went anywhere but its a move down the right road.

[DSM2709]

17 days have passed since she first broke it off. Only 3 have passed since I sent her the last email and was also the last time there was any sort of communication. I understand what she is doing is best. She finally looked at the relationship and looked at whether she truly loves me, and the answer was no. She perhaps truly thought she did, but in the end realized she didn’t love me. So I don’t blame her at all for ending it. It really does make sense. I just wish this had happened a long time ago. Not after four years and two months together. I might have been questioning her true devotion all along and that might have played a role in me never asking for her hand in marriage. If that was the case, then I was right in questioning that. True love can withstand this and maybe she discovered that as well and that’s why she ended it.

 

 

I am still feverishly checking my phone and secretly looking out the window at every passing car, hoping that she has changed her mind and learned of her mistake. I know it’s a said and done issue, but my heart longs for her. It doesn’t matter if it was real for her or not, it was real to me. I miss her so very deeply. I had to delete her number from my phone so I would quit pissing her off with text messages. I had to put away all the pictures of her. I, a man among men, cried a couple of times. I know that if she did come back and had changed her mind or started listening to her heart – the way I thought her heart was set – that things might not work out. It would be hard to regain trust, it would be hard to move forward, I would probably always have some lingering doubt. So in the end I know it is best that it is over, although there is not a bone in my body that doesn’t miss her and doesn’t want her back.

 

 

I have lost to death, relatives that I loved. In death there is something unquestionable about it. It’s a said and done deal for sure. You miss those people without a doubt. It feels like she has died to me. My heart aches for her, my skin weeps for her touch, my soul is crushed by her absence. Yet unlike in death, she is still out there, she is still around. All my pain could cease if she came back to me, but it won’t. I loved that which did not love me.

 

 

It feels like I am cheating on her when I sit and try to push her out of my mind. All I can do is try to keep myself busy, keep my mind occupied. This works for short moments of reprieve. Then I realize I am once again being dishonest to myself. I have no want to do anything, I have no want to go on. The one and only thing I want is beyond me to do anything about. I never imagined being heartbroken and I never listened to those that were. I can now relate.

 

 

Friends have taken me out to distract me, their intentions are good. I have even attempted to bring myself to talking with other ladies. They aren’t what I want, they do not even hold a candle to what I had. In my moments of trying to move on, I am painfully reminded over and over of what I have lost. With every ounce of me I know I need to move on, I know she is not coming back – with every strand of fiber in my soul I want to be united with the one I did love.

 

 

I have spent my nights on my knees in prayer. I have spent my night relentlessly trying to sleep, only to find sleep and then have a dream of her. In my dreams I hit the same wall, the wall that I never saw being built. I wake covered in sweat and then come to the realization that, it is more then a bad dream, more then my worst nightmare, it is reality. God I miss her.

 

I am tired of this self imposed asylum. I feel like everything I do is in vain. All of me wants to be chasing after the lady of my dreams. At the same time, realizing that the same lady of my dreams doesn’t want anything to do with me, kills me. It pains me to no end, that she is out there somewhere trying and doing her best to move on and forget me. I thought we were solid, I thought we saw eye to eye, I thought we could find rest and safety within each other. My thoughts betrayed me, the person I truthfully and lovingly called my other half has taken flight. A man among men is laying broken and helpless.

 

Man, you have said it all, I feel the exact same way about my ex, although it's been a little longer for me. You write very well, and all I can say is hang in there, it will get better. Good writing. Even though my ex and I do speak often to each other...I don't know why. She is with someone else, and she says to me..."Don't wait for me"...what does that tell me? I was with her for almost 2 years, we broke up in April, got back together for a short time, but the ship sank in August. Best of luck.

Edited October 25, 2009 by DSM2709

[Soloboy]

You can write, Keep your Head up man. Itll all get better, im in the same situation. and its only been since july 20th since we split, and I still have this damn feelings and memories about her.

[lostmirthfulness]

Yeah this stinks - some days are way better then others. Just watching a BBC TV show called "Hole In The Wall" on youtube, I saw a couple on that show together where the guy ending up carrying his lady, both of these people were happy and it immediately made me think of my ex.

 

I think an important thing to remember is that - we might have messed up somewhere along the line, but in the end, I speak for myself on this, we are decent people. Our partners that left us, made the biggest screw up. Like I said in my posts I continue to be the man she loved or said she loved. In fact, I actually think I might be a better person now. I know more and am devoted more while also not neglecting what is around me. So in a way, I am a better man for her leaving me.

 

Its sad though, because I do want her back and this about her constantly.

[Bulldozed]

Your writing is outstanding, and is definitely a therapeutic way of letting go...I feel the exact same way. My gf and I split (decided to take a break for a while) at the end of August....she needed to find herself, focus on her career. I was actually pretty supportive of the decision as she said she didn't want to break up permanently. I asked her this much. I have to agree 100%, that if the woman was having doubts and chose NOT to communicate with you in a serious heart-to-heart....then shame on her....that's what mine failed to do. We had a great summer, despite job and financial insecurity on my end....(work in the auto industry)...which I sheilded her from. We spoke at the end of July about wedding plans, bridesmaids (who they should be..etc)....she even asked my mother in mid august if she had announced the newest member of her side of the family at a recent reunion, her? I took these as all positive signs. Amongst them, however, were emotional text messages...."I'm not sure what's going on with us"...."I'm having mixed emotions"...my retorts were usually, "I'm not going to text on this"....let's talk about things"...never happened. In the end I blame myself to a point for not pushing us to talk more, but largely blame her for not fighting for the two years we spent together. Now she’s seeing her former “best friends” recently divorced ex-husband, and has been since mid September. She has yet to admit it, but I did call her out on it in a rather harsh email, that clearly upset her. Her only retort was my accusations were bs….actually they weren’t, the guy literally lives around the corner from me, less than a mile. She’s either ashamed and/or embarrassed?

[lostmirthfulness]

More of the same crap bulldozed, sorry to hear it. Keep your head up - the point of mine that you drew out, is worth drawing out again and again and that is....

 

If people leave - then they shouldn't be people we would have wanted to end up with. No matter how much that stinks,...if they are capable of this then we are better off without them. Its just getting through the tough times that we have to face. Yeah - we invested time and spent time day dreaming of the future that included them, now we just have to change our focus.

[Bulldozed]

I agree! It's a tough pill to swallow regardless....you go two years with someone, and in the final month you realize, your ability to judge character is deeply flawed....Love is definitely blind!

[lostmirthfulness]

More truth came out recently that paints a more complete and finished picture.

 

It seems no more then 2-3 weeks after we split she started dating her "best friend". He was a guy that always rubbed me wrong. She insisted years ago, she would never date the guy "hes like a brother to me, that is gross". Well within two weeks after splitting from me she is dating him. So 2-3 weeks inside of dating him, I was told a friendship couldn't exist at all because he would said he would be bothered by me being a friend. That is completely understandable.

 

But this leaves me a little upset - I came to the conclusion that our relationship was not going anywhere and I am happy she ended it. We did buy a dog together shortly before the break. It was the type of dog she knew I had always wanted and we even named him the name I have always wanted. Her situation lends to allowing her to keep the dog better then mine does. Now because of the new dude I can never see my dog again, which I loved, like a child.

 

So this tells me that I was right in suspecting that she had feelings for him. Like I said, they could not have been dating for more then 3 weeks and she is already saying "I am happier then I have ever been" and at only 3 weeks into the new relationship, she is willing to toss out 4 years and two months of a friendship. Yes we were more, but we were friends first above all. To be that serious that quickly tells me one of two things:

 

She is psychotic - a new relationship so quickly with no down time can't be healthy.

 

or

 

She finally got what she wanted - which was a relationship with this guy.

 

 

 

I need to stress I am fine with the relationship ending. I never took it farther then dating - but I am sad I lost my best friend in all of this.

[someguyonthenet]

My friend, If i may give you advice. I'm not here to make u feel bad, but believe me when i tell you, you're story is far from unique. I have been in the same exact shoe that you wear, and even tho im not fully healed i will tell you this much. If you are looking for a cure to your heartache, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT. Allow your body to "kill/dissolve" itself. Regardless of all the great wisdom everyone will share with you, no one other than yourself will be able to transition forward. An i know your type too well!, for i am one. Its not a matter of being to nice or caring. Its a matter of learning how unconditional love is not safe!. Dont take this advice as me telling you to be cold or mean now, but be reminded of the quote "the cup is always half full". Now if i am right(which im mighty sure i am), you should be clouded now and ask how this quote will apply? Follow the thought here! imagine "your" life as the cup, and the water in the cup as "life" itself. regardless of how much water is in the cup, you will always need to drink. the water will go up, and the water will go down. There will be times you will have too much water, and at times you will be desperate for a sip. the moral of the story is, as unnecessary as you may feel it is to be sad right now and long for her. In life you needed this experience so you may truly understand what kind of cup will best fit you. ALLOW yourself to feel your emotions, DONT allow your emotions to feel you!. its ok to be sad, and regardless of how normal it is, we all feel the sadness we carry is very unique and will never be healed, and that fear in itself will teach you lessons no person on this planet can ever teach you.

 

if you need to talk my friend, im only a click away, feel free to let me know, im always on aim

[Johnstamos77]

Same thing happened to me bro. Broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago. I neglected her the same way you did. I was too stress trying to look for a job and getting into school. She graduated nursing and she told me yesterday that she felt that I wasn't happy for her. We talked about getting married and I really thought my future was with her.

 

I broke up with her first in month of August and she tried getting me back. I neglected her more cause I was with someone. I got back with her a month later and I told her how I was seeing someone. She couldn't take it and finally left me. I even bought her roses and left it in front of her house as well.

 

She is now with someone else and she tells me she is happy. She is gonna come see me this week and pick up the other things I made her, so atleast she is still accepting things from me. Im just trying to show her I really cared about her but at the same time Im not expecting her to come back to me. I just want to be able to tell myself that im happy I tried in beginning. Only time will tell.

 

Last thing she did say to me, was that she was didn't know what she wanted. Im so confused, can't sleep, eat or concentrate knowing that I messed up bad.

 

Hopefully it works out for both of us with the same girls we had or with someone new.

Edited November 3, 2009 by Johnstamos77
left out a word

[lostmirthfulness]

I think all things work together in the end, its just the present that bugs us and holds us back. I have been out on two dates now, with two very nice ladies.

 

I realize and have been honest to both ladies that I am not yet ready for a real relationship, and I may never be with either of them. Its hard to try and build a friendship, when you start under the guise of a date. I literally was to much into my relationship. I had friends and kept those friends, but I find myself really lonely now days.

 

So I don't think I am going to start seriously dating any one person, until I can be happy being single. Until I can be happy just doing things for myself again.

[lostmirthfulness]

Wednesday Oct 28th 2009

I really thought I would quit writing in this and adding to it. I thought I would be able to move on by now. Truth is, every single day I think about her, I think about her reasons and how we found ourselves where we are.

As I was switching jackets today, I found a note that she had written me in May before I took off on my motorcycle adventure for Montana. I thought I had put away anything that would remind me of her.

I sat down and read the note. There was nothing but love, real love pouring out from her hand through the pen and onto the paper when she wrote that letter. I’ve read the other stuff that she had given me as well – and it’s more of the same. It speaks of a lady who was in love; A lady who was truly devoted to me, somebody who time and time again had handed me her heart. I thought I was doing what was best for us, I didn’t think there were any real issues and I thought things were truly okay with where we were. Aspects about marriage and making more of a commitment had come up time and time again – but every time they did I felt we addressed them and understood each other. This is perhaps because she never really opened up about what she wanted. I think that perhaps she wanted more again and again and I never saw it. I think she thought she would be forcing the issue and forcing me into something that I didn’t want. I think that is why she kept quite about it. I wish she hadn’t. I am not saying this as blame towards her in this at all. I really think that I hurt her over and over again, by side-stepping the issue. I believe I might have broken her heart many times. She then realized from her point of view that I had done nothing but hurt her and broken her heart and that was going to continue like that forever. That is when she decided that she was going to have to call our relationship to an end. She prepared herself mentally for it, she had decided in her head that no matter what she had to end the relationship. I think that explains why those two times that I talked to her, once at her house and once in a parking lot, she had set her mind up to one possible outcome. So at that point it didn’t matter that I wanted to propose to her at her place. It didn’t matter to her anymore when I told her I loved her in the parking lot. She was already prepared to walk away. I can’t say I blame her.

It honestly has taken me a bit to get here. It has taken me a bit to understand what all has gone on. At first I placed blame on her – and I wasn’t accepting of her reasons. I saw them as excuses; I couldn’t see how somebody could turn away from something they had wanted at the point of time that it was finally presented to them. I think this is why she has gotten upset with me when I have tried to contact her. I think I finally understand that repeated pain can cause somebody to shut down.

If this is the case – then I would love the ability to sit that girl down and tell her from every part of my heart and soul that I am sorry things happened the way they did and I made the mistakes I made. I can’t do that though, I can’t contact her, I can’t tell her I am so very sorry for causing her pain through all of this. At this point I am not even sure if she would believe me, but every single piece of me wants to let that sweet lady – that she was my queen and I messed up. I know I can’t bring her back, I know I can’t do anything of the sort. I don’t want her to think that she wasn’t deeply loved, that it was just something to me that didn’t matter.

God has his plan in all of this. The outcome is the outcome no matter how you look at it, but never question the fact that I expected to live the rest of my days with that lady.

 

Sunday Nov 1st 2009

Well I just learned from her tonight that her new boyfriend has a problem with us being friends. It is just now a little over five weeks since we first broke up. I agree with the breakup, as in we were sitting stagnate and not moving anywhere.

Usually after a break up, people take time for themselves. They learn how to be fine without having to depend on another person; I am in the middle of doing this. She on the other hand has already got herself into a committed relationship, one to the point where her new dude has problems with me. That is an unhealthy start for the relationship; she doesn’t realize she needs to take some time for herself, after spending four years and months with another person.

There are a couple things about it that bother me. One, we had a dog together. Now I am never going to be able to be around that dog. I did love the little guy, but now he will grow up completely without me. Two, the dude is a dick head through and through, but somehow she has managed to over look certain aspects about him, that had annoyed her when she saw those aspects in different people. On our double date that we had with him and his girl friend at the time, he explained why he was attracted to her, with the words “she was the blonde, with the big tits”. Normally those words from anyone else would have appalled her, but somehow she is willing to over look that. She never liked guys with tattoos and thought them to be trashy, well he has them and she is over looking that.

I hope this new relationship works for her. I do mainly because I thought we had a good base for a friendship. We had an amicable break up, maybe not so much for me at first, but I am hard headed and I came around. I thought we could do fine in life as friends because we truly cared about the other person and supported the other person continually. I even continued to do that after she broke up with me. The fact that she would even toss our friendship away is insulting to me. It’s also not very compassionate; there can’t be any slowly drifting apart. Now it is sudden and full.

I can sit here and honestly say that I have no want of a relationship with her, I miss the friendship though. If things don’t end up working with this dirt bag, I hope she can realize what a friend she could have in me. I to, later on down the road my have a significant other, if she comes back into contact at that time, I will have to consider the wishes of the person I am with, but I will not totally abandon her.

 

Wednesday Nov 4th 2009

As I sit here at 12:46am I can’t help but feel a mix of pain, sadness and pure anger stemming from all that has transpired over the last couple of months. The excuses she gave me, that she was tired of waiting for me to ask her to marry her, do not float at all. If somebody truly had wanted to seriously marry another person – then there is no way they could have moved on and into a new relationship not even three weeks after the split. The move to a new relationship means – means that somebody she had truly wanted to marry two months ago is now no longer in their life at all and in anyway what-so-ever and she is perfectly fine with that. That hurts. Whether us being together was meant to be or not, we had four years together, four years that we were close. By throwing that all away so fast, shows me that I never meant **** to her. Sure she might have thought, she cared, but that bitch doesn’t know her own heart, otherwise she wouldn’t be able to toss this away.

[Johnstamos77]

Yeah it has been tough for me as well. She has been calling me alot this past couple days and now I dont even know what to think of it. Now i just sit here wondering if she is going to call me today.

 

We just gotta keep ourselves up and not think about about what could of been. Just know we messed up and hopefully we learn never to take a loved one for granted. If it was meant to be she will be back.

[lostmirthfulness]

So - after four years I am waiting for a thumb drive to get sent to me via snail mail, so I can load it up with pictures of hers (family) etc that are on my computer.

 

She doesn't have a thumb drive so she needs to buy one. Her new boyfriend makes being friends impossible, even though I am fine with it, hes not. I told her I always wanted to help her and see her through anything that I could, but she made the choice to toss me away completely. Like the four years was nothing.

 

So anyway, while out on a date of sorts yesterday, (actually having the lets be friends,I am not ready to date yet talk), I get two text messages from her.

 

"Do you think 8 gig is enough?"

 

then,

 

"What about 16 gig? I really have no clue..."

 

So she sends me these text messages asking for help - after she had told me that being friends wouldn't work at all? After she pretty much told me that the four years we had together meant less then the new 3-4 week relationship she is now in?

 

Why the hell should I help her. She made the choice, I made her aware that with her choice she was cementing the door shut and I would no longer help her.

 

I really wanted to text her back saying "I don't know, ask your new f'ing boyfriend" - but I held my tongue or thumbs rather, and didn't respond with anything.